The Scamp Crosses One off the List

17 days into the new year and I already get to cross one off the list from last year. This year has already started off a bit bumpy on a personal level, but on the professional level, you are now looking at the newest member of the Assessment and Feedback Working Group for the University of Glasgow. That’s right, after 2 years of begging, your girl is now on an academic committee! This is my chance to really help shape university policy and hopefully do some good on campus. I’ve spent my first week back running sessions for the different colleges to help them with their most pressing assessment and feedback concerns, and if I have learned anything from these sessions, it is that sometimes university policy, student and staff expectations, and reality do not match. I’ve never been more frustrated than when I am sat in a meeting and people are asking for help that I just cannot provide. Being a part of the working group will allow me a chance to have a better understanding of the policies, as well as help people who are way above my pay grade understand the needs of the students.

Then I will take over the world.

In the meantime, I’ve been trying to keep a low profile on social media and stay relatively silent about politics and all that is going on in the world. I’ve never been too vocal on social media about my beliefs anyway, although that is more to do with the fact that I like to remain somewhat of a mystery. That being said, something happened at the start of the month that, 1. I never thought I was see, and 2. has pushed me over the breaking point of the things that have been happening in the US. The Wikipedia summary of the events can be read here:

The storming of the United States Capitol was a riot and violent attack against the United States Congress on January 6, 2021, carried out by a mob of supporters of U.S. PresidentDonald Trump in an attempt to overturn his defeat in the 2020 presidential election.[2] After attending a Trump rally, thousands[33] of his supporters marched down Pennsylvania Avenue to the Capitol, where a joint session of Congress was beginning the Electoral College vote count. Many of the crowd breached police perimeters and stormed the building in an attempt to prevent the formalization of President-electJoe Biden‘s election victory.[34][35] These rioters occupiedvandalized,[36][37] and looted[38] parts of the building for several hours.[39][40][41] The riot led to the evacuation and lockdown of the Capitol, and five deaths.

Things have been really bad in the US for a long time, but this was a whole new level of bad. I have friends who live in DC and friends who live close enough to DC that I was really worried. To add to the horrendous events, there were people in the mob wearing Camp Auschwitz sweatshirts, or shirts that read: 6MWNE (6 million was not enough). I don’t know how you feel, but personally, I don’t feel like anyone who has that sort of attitude can ‘Make America Great Again’….not to mention that I hardly buy the premise that you have to look to the past to make America great. That is a tangent for another day though. I posted an article about the anti-Semitic rhetoric that was prevalent among the ‘protesters’, and my Trump loving family decided that this was the perfect reason to condemn me for my beliefs. It started innocently enough. A comment by my mother about the people in a lot of the pictures being linked to terrorist or hate groups. My mother and I do not see eye to eye politically, but our exchange was calm, and respectful. A friend of mine also chimed in, and again, her comment was respectful.

Then the Wilders decided they needed to get involved. Long story short, they are right wing ultra conservative Qanon types (or right-sided as my cousin wrote) who don’t know the difference between the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, think the election was rigged, and think the FBI is not a valid and trustworthy source of information. While I know I should not have engaged, I did. I schooled my cousin in the difference between fact and fiction, and in doing so, was told that I was sanctimonious, over educated and must be a terrible teacher who will only have discussions with my students when they share (or I can force them to share) my beliefs. I was called an ignorant American as well. I was told to stay in Scotland, and that they were embarrassed for me. All of this on what they thought was my mom’s page, and in fact was about how horrible it is that people still want to kill all the Jews. I was embarrassed, and am still embarrassed that I am related to those people….and even more embarrassed that people saw the exchange and know how little those people actually think of me.

To be fair, I am not the least bit shocked by this. The Wilders used to have a favorite game when I was a kid….who could make Kim cry first. They used to pick on me and gang up on me until I cried….then belittle me for being upset. They once told my mom that my sister and I would spread our legs for any man that crossed our path because my mom chose to divorce an abusive alcoholic who did terrible things to her. This is the family that told me I was an ignorant American when I called out horrendous behavior on a train in Belgium. This is the family that made me want to get adopted out of it since I was seven years old. I know that it shouldn’t bother me what a bunch of people who know nothing about me think of me, but the fact that they attacked me on my own personal social media after not talking to me for years to defend a horrible incident has really left my shackles up.

It also triggered some long repressed feelings of being expelled from a PhD programme because I would not change my beliefs to suit the wants of the director of the programme. I was so completely destroyed at that time in my life that it was hard for me to do anything. My mom had to make up errands for me to run to make sure I got out of bed. I thought my life and career were over before they had even begun. I thought I would never get back to Scotland. Now that a week or so has passed, I’ve really been able to think about the importance of family, and the fact that we get to chose our family. My immediate family is great, and the rest of my family is made up of some incredible people from all over the world. They called, messaged, and made sure that I knew that no one associated me with the people that I am embarrassed by.

This also means that I have the time to reflect on those things they said to me to make sure that I do not become a sanctimonious, overeducated snob who only listens to people who believe the things I believe. I hope that being part of this academic committee and running more of the workshops I am currently running with the colleges and my CPD events for staff and students that I can become a better listener and really not let me beliefs and my degrees get in the way of open dialogue and discussion.

Because let’s face it, the only BS I need in my life right now is beaches and sunscreen.

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying (I have two left, my US driving license and my visa)
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)

The Scamp Finishes the List

Oops…it is the 3rd of January. I meant to finish the list on the first, but gin happened and then I decided that I needed to purge everything in my closets and hoover under my bed. It is raining/snowing and very icy inside my poorly heated flat, so I am already starting off the year a bit more lazy than I intended….but I’m not mad at it. Whilst thinking about the list, I decided that the first thing on my list for this year was to be nicer to myself. I have been struggling for the last few years with maintaining my motivation and follow-through. The PhD took a lot out of me and 2020 was not actually the year of my rebirth into a beautiful butterfly, but there is a lot of 2021 left.

So, my list for 2021 is as follows:

  1. Try and do the 20 things on the list from 2020. I am not as concerned about being able to cross everything off, but they are things that I would like to do. I especially want to keep paying down my student loan and finally get my UK driving license (an automatic one, because lord knows I do not want to take the test a 4th time!). I want to be able to travel beyond my neighborhood, but if it can be out of the country, that will be a bonus. I already have my eye on a few tropical hideouts and I am hoping the summer will be safe enough to go back to adventures.
  2. Find a form of exercising that I like, and can do easily from my living room if lockdown doesn’t end until after Easter (which is how long I am thinking I will be stuck inside). I am going to really try to stick with yoga because that is really something that I enjoy, but I also need something else to help me expend some energy on the days that I feel cagey and restless. I really want to take up cycling and I recently saw an exercise bike that has a desk which means I could ride miles in my flat and maybe get some work done at the same time….I just don’t want to fork over £400 for one.
  3. I am not going to buy any new clothes or pairs of shoes unless absolutely necessary. I have plenty of clothes and dresses and way more than enough shoes. There is no reason for me to spend money right now on things that I don’t need. This will also help me have some extra money to put towards the driving lessons and the student loans.
  4. In line with number 3, I am going to wear all of my clothes and shoes at least once this year. I’m not really going anywhere, and I don’t usually wear shoes when I am home, but I can put them on for a bit in the morning to get into work mode. The weather means that if I venter outside then I am going to be wearing boots or my running shoes until Spring, but the my white shoes will look nice inside.
  5. Cultivate a new hobby. I am thinking that I need to learn to cook. I am not bad at tacos and making pasta, but I am so out of practice and have been so lazy that I don’t know if I could cook anything else. I didn’t lose any weight last year which depresses me to no end, but if I learned how to cook, then I could make better food choices.
  6. Adopt a pet. Enough said.
  7. Be a better friend. I have been so lonely and depressed about being lonely during the pandemic that I haven’t always checked in with my friends. I used to think that you needed a lot of friends around you to be a good friend, but if this pandemic has taught me anything, it is that all you really need are a few good friends to keep you sane. I’ve also been able to connect with old friends in new ways which makes me happy. I want to be better at checking in with those people when I am feeling down or when I am feeling stuck, because one of them might be feeling the same.
  8. Organize my workday. I have a lot on my plate and have not been spending my time wisely as of late. It is hard to do whilst working from home, but I am about to take over running the GTA trainings for the university, so in order to do that and teach and manage a MEd student, I am going to have to be better about scheduling my time and sticking to that schedule….including adding in exercise into my day so I am not tempted to just brush it off for the couch cushion with my butt imprint and really bad reality TV. I am pretty sure I have watched all the bad reality TV on Netflix and Amazon. That is a lot of time that could have been spent working better and being productive.

This isn’t a list to be crossed off, but something to keep me going this year if I am stuck inside for the rest of the year. I might have to break my rule of no spending money on things I really don’t need to buy self tanner though because I am so pale I look like I have been living underground for a year. The bags under my eyes are way too noticeable. I just got smaller glasses, but I am going to have exchange them for a larger pair to cover them raccoon eyes!

I’m leaving the list from last year here just to remind me of some of things that I would like to do in the next year. It can’t hurt to have things to do when I am wallowing about being stuck inside.

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)

The Scamp Makes a New List

It’s that time of the year again where we all scramble to pretend that we are still going to meet our New Years Resolutions, and we pretend that we are going to follow the ones we plan to make for the next year. I made one of those lists. This time last year, sat in the downstairs area of my parents’ house and I made a list. I was stressed beyond belief. I was officially no longer a part of the living in the US. I had finally asked my dad to adopt me. I had three months left to finish a complete rewrite of my PhD. I made a lot of plans for what I was going to do in 2020.

This was supposed to be my year! I was going to graduate. I was going to start being social. I was going to travel and go on adventures without having to take work with me. I was going to be slutty. I was going to kiss strange boys in public and go on bad first dates. I wasn’t going to be lonely anymore. I was going to be happy and reduce my stress. So I made a list.

Then March happened. The day after I turned 33 I got adopted and changed my name. I told the world about it and only three people understood. I turned in my thesis edits and the next day the world went into lockdown, and with it, all the things I wanted to do got flushed down the toilet. I did manage to get some of the list crossed off, and to be honest, some of the ones that weren’t crossed off were not crossed off because I lost focus. That list looked like this:

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)

Being that I make these list so that I can feel accomplished when I cross things off them, I’d say I am less than satisficed with the way the 2020 list turned out. That’s the problem with making lists, when you can’t cross something off, you feel unfulfilled or like you failed. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t feel like a failure because I didn’t lose any of the weight and that I didn’t manage to stick to simple things like doing yoga twice a week, or making time to write about fun things, random things, anything that is not related to my work. These are things that require focus and discipline, and to be honest, that is not something I much of since I finished the PhD. It is hard for me to stay motivated when I am all alone and stuck in solitary confinement. 45-60 min of outdoor time a day is not enough for me, but it is the best I can do right now. At least with the vaccine out now there is hope for a light at the end of the tunnel. I really hope 2021 finds a new normal that allows me out of the house a bit more…oh and allows me to hug people. I am going to hug the shit out of people when this has all settled into a new normal.

And that brings me to the list for the new year. I’ve thought a lot about what that list should look like, what things should be on it…what I wanted to accomplish. The thing is though, I am starting wonder if making a list like this is just setting me up for failure. What if I don’t lose the weight? What if I fail the driver’s test again (and WHY is it so difficult here?) What if I only kick the toxic people out for a little while and then let them back in? I don’t want to make any promises that I can’t keep.

So there isn’t a list yet. but I still have one more day to think about what will go on it….

The Scamp Cross Another off the List

The last time I wrote something was August. This means by default, I cannot complete this list. Making lists when you know you can’t complete them is stupid. I knew making this list a year ago that I wasn’t going to be able to stick to it. I’m too tired and unmotivated to have any follow through. I’ve been a prisoner to my flat since March, and a prisoner to my burnout for years. None of that is likely to change.

I did get to cross one off the list though. A big one. I legally changed my name in the US without crying. Well, that is not completely true. I cried happy tears when I got my passport and it had my correct name. I got adopted right before the pandemic started, which was also supposed to be the time I was out and about and socializing, making new friends, dating guys who don’t lie to me about having a girlfriend in another country and using me as a secret dirty mistress. It also meant I would be able to introduce myself with my name. Alas, none of that came to pass. On the upside, I have a valid passport, social security number, and birth certificate with my name. My UK insurance number, my bank cards and accounts (and as soon as the university stops being a pain in my ass) my new shiny 2 year visa.

I am really glad that my visa and my HR file will have the correct name, but I massively underestimated how much I was going to hate hyphenating my name and the fact that everyone at work is still calling me by my old surname. That is not my name, and all these months and months of only working has just furthered emphasized that I am not going to ever get rid of a name I don’t want and an identity that isn’t who I am. Plus, it is not the name on my diploma, so it is not factually accurate to use it. But now, thanks to stupid academic publications, I am stuck with a name I don’t want. Thankfully I didn’t put crying when someone uses the old surname on the list.

The next thing on the list that I want to attempt is to spend a full 48 hours without being negative. I almost made it during the summer, but being stuck inside, overworked, massively underappreciated, and deprived of human contact only got me to 26 hours. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on keeping a positive mindset. I think my plan for tackling that to take a sleeping pill and trying to sleep for most of that 48 hours. At this point, that may be the only way that I can make it through two days whilst being positive.

I saved all my annual leave for 2020 thinking I would be able to use it when my family came for graduation and so that I could lay on a beach in Spain, and since all of that got cancelled, I am on annual leave starting December 11th at 4pm. December 12th, I am going to try for a full 48 hours. I just need to figure out some good things to do to keep me occupied.

All suggestions welcome. Except for nonstop Hallmark movie marathons. I cannot handle how dumb some of the women are at the start of the movie with boyfriend who is all wrong for them….I’d never make it through the 48 hours.

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)

The Scamp Considers Her Words

The other day I was talking to a cop who was guarding the scene of dead body, and when I said that I was sorry he had to be around death, he said to me:

‘That’s OK. I don’t think [its] any great loss to society.’

Now, I know this person is used to dealing with the scum of the earth, does not handle seeing death very well and has the emotional maturity and empathy of a dumpster but I still felt that I needed to address what he’d said. I was not offended by what he said because he’s an only child and is a bit naive to the seedier parts of life. So I told him:

‘I mean, some would have said that about my brother.’

My brother was an alcoholic….and had been since we were kids. He was a product of his genetics and a shitty environment that he wasn’t strong enough to get out of. To anyone on the outside looking in, his death probably wasn’t a great loss to society. But to my dad? To his brothers? His death was, and still is a great loss.

I wanted officer clueless to know that although his response was a coping mechanism to help him deal with the ugliness he sees on the job, he needed to remember that while he sees a druggie who overdosed in the woods, that person was someone’s son, that person was a friend, a brother, a cousin, a person. Officer Clueless did apologize, it’s not like he knew the details of my brother’s life, but I still felt that it was one of those dreaded ‘teachable moments’ that may come in handy for the future.

I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately, and after that conversation I was awake for awhile thinking about my brother, but also thinking about how easy it is for people to make statements like that. When did we forget to be compassionate? When did we forget that for some, addiction is a disease, not always a choice, and while, maybe not always pillars of the community, or always willing to get sober or stay sober, that these people deserve some dignity as well?

When did we become more interested in cancelling people than offering redemption or a chance for growth and understanding? When did we lose our sense of compassion? I’m not saying that there are some things that aren’t unforgivable. There are a lot of things that I would be reluctant to forgive, and there are people in this world that I think are too ignorant for an opportunity for redemption and understanding, but there are some people out there who don’t always get a fair shake, and it is all too easy for us to judge from the outside looking in.

So next time you find yourself in this type of position or encountering this type of person, try to be a bit more understanding and a little more compassionate….and because I have been on my soapbox enough, and I have a very early Zoom meeting, I’ll leave you with one of the only really good pictures of Eric Davis, because although he may not have always been a great member of society, he was a grandson, a son, a brother, a cousin, a friend, and a person.

The Scamp Gets Her Diploma

Look what came in the mail! This is a proud proud moment for me. I am finally 100% done with Napier. I am done being a traditional student. I am now an adult.

The first thing I did was buy a very fancy frame. I’m out of wall space in my flat, so I am still working out where it will go, but I am quite chuffed with my achievement.

I am hoping that means that I will find my writing motivation and turn that 176 pages into a 10 page article that can be published for the rest of the academic world to read. One of the worst parts of working in academia is the need to publish in order for people to see you as an expert. To be of worth to a university as a member of staff you need to publish cutting edge research in top rated journals and bring in a lot of money through grants that can then be written up in top rated journals. This goes against all of my natural instincts. All I want to do is help staff and students feel more confident about assessment and feedback (although being famous in academia for doing it wouldn’t be all bad).

The problem is, the PhD has killed my soul. The process breaks you down and makes you feel like shite about yourself and when you are done, you feel like a shell of yourself who can’t write to save your life….and then you enter a job that expects you to write high quality research articles like they are tweets. On top of that, my research was completely ground breaking, but now people are starting to publish in the area, which means I am no longer unique, or have a real chance to make a name for myself in the field.

This job sucks sometimes.

I’m hoping that my diploma sitting in front of me can remind me that I have something worth publishing, and get me motivated to start writing again. I could also do with a few more sunny days so I could possibly go and write outside without the internet and bad reality TV to distract me.

The Scamp Crosses Two Off the List

I think we can all agree that 2020 blows. When I made the list of things that I wanted to do in 2020, I had no idea that COVID19 would laugh and basically change all of my plans. I gave up on the travel related aspects of the list, but I thought that there were a lot of things that I could still accomplish.

Well, COVID has other ideas. I had been accepted to a conference for September, which would have allowed me to cross number 2 off the list, but unfortunately, that has now been cancelled. I know there is still time for me to get accepted to another conference, but I was a little sad about losing that one.

The good news is I have some that I can cross off the list. The meal prep is still going strong, and whilst I have not lost any weight yet, I do feel stronger and have lost a few inches here and there, so I am hopeful that I can still eventually lose some weight.

The first one that gets crossed off the list is number 13: Celebrating passing my viva. I didn’t actually celebrate passing the viva, however, I did celebrate graduating. Two of my favorite people came over for tacos and chocolate cake and we had an enjoyable evening eating and chatting and stuffing our faces. I also celebrated by buying myself a couple of pieces of jewelry. Those were for me to have a tangible reminder that I survived the process and almost came out the other side a better person. I am looking forward to next summer when I can hopefully celebrate with my family.

The other activity that I am crossing off the list (although I am going to keep going with it) is number 7: Make a dent in my student loan. This one is actually an unexpected positive of the pandemic. I’ve had numerous trips cancelled, I’m saving lots of money on travel, and I had been stocking money away each month to pay towards my yearly rail pass. Since I am not going to have buy that for awhile (if at all this year), I took a good chunk of the money in my savings and put it on my student loans. To date, almost $6,000 has been paid back. This means that I am very close to completely clearing three loans. Once those are cleared, I will only have to pay back the loans for Cal State Fullerton.

I’m extra proud of this one because all of that money has been mine. There has been no financial assistance from my parents so far with this loan. All of the money that has gone to these loans has been money that I earned and saved. My mom really helped me pay off my MSc a couple of years ago, but I did not want her to have to keep supporting me. The US Government has told me that I will not be debt free until 2035. I’m hoping if I can live cheaply, do a bit of a better job saving (there has been a lot of depression shopping at the moment) and continue to make large payments, then I might be able to reduce that number significantly.

So the list as it stands now (the bold one are the ones that probably won’t be happening due to the pandemic):

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)

The Scamp Meets a Milestone

If anything ever summed up the way I feel right now, it is this photo.

Today I have officially graduated from Edinburgh Napier with a PhD in Educational Assessment. I’m a doctor now. Dr Kimberly Davis.

I’ve thought about this day for a long time. This is my second attempt at a PhD (well, the first one was an attempt at an EdD, so not quite the same). I always thought that I would feel different once I was done. I thought I’d feel more grown up or more serious, but I’m currently wearing leopard print yoga pants and eating a cupcake, so I guess things have not changed.

Don’t get me wrong, I am so incredibly happy and relieved to be done. I am so glad that I don’t have to deal with Napier anymore and that I don’t have this extra stress hanging over my head. This means I can focus on my actual job, I can write for fun, and I can actually focus on getting healthy again. I am splurging on a meal plan and PT for the next couple of months so I can have my butt kicked and eat actual well balanced meals. While all this is good, and moving in the right direction, I really wanted to feel different.

I know that this is not an uncommon feeling. I know that it is even harder to really feel something when the hand-in was a PDF emailed to the research office and graduation was an email and cupcake. I didn’t really celebrate after the viva because I was ill and the experience was so awful, and the pandemic is keeping me from really being able to celebrate now, which I think will go a long way in being able to close this chapter of my life.

I have had the question of ‘What’s next?’ a couple of times, and to be honest, there is no next. I’ve been a student since I was 6 years old (with a year off between the MA and the MSc) and I am ready to not be a student. I’m ready to not have to juggle fourteen plates whilst hula hooping over a fire pit. I want to feel normal. I want to sleep in on weekends, and I want to start a hobby.

I’m also really looking forward to being a good friend again. I want to go out when the rules lift and meet people and do fun things. I want to help and support all of the people that spent the last five years supporting me. We got the tentative date of pubs being open on the 15th of July, and that might also be a tentative date when we can travel within the UK again, and you best believe I’m getting my doctor butt on train and going on an adventure.

If anyone wants to read the thesis, it is 221 pages of pure assessment and feedback fun.

Okay, if anyone is having trouble sleeping during the pandemic, my thesis is 221 pages of proven sleeping tonic. It’s even more fun when you have Microsoft Word read it out loud to you in one of the three preset slightly robotic voices.

The Scamp is Restless

Day 400, 615 of lockdown and I have lost the plot. I’m tired of being inside, tired of having my holidays cancelled and tired of only having myself for company. I am lucky that people video chat, call and even stand outside my window so I can make some human connection.

I miss my friends. I miss hugging people. I actually sorta miss my commute to Glasgow….okay, not really that last one. I do not miss being tired at night or up so early in the morning.

I’m feeling so restless that I spend a good amount of time looking for new places to live. I’ve been in my current flat for almost 5 years. This is the longest I have lived anywhere since I was 18 years old. That and the lack of actually being able to travel has made me really itchy and anxious to move. The problem is, I’ve really fit myself into this place. I compare everything I look at to this place in terms of space, location and safety…and not much compares for what I am paying.

But I am tired of living in a shabby place. I keep it clean, but the furniture (minus the bed and mattress) is at least 6 or 8 years old. The bathroom is out of date. The toilet leaks, the bathtub is sad and everything is just a depressing shade of beige (I’ve been hearing for 5 years that it is going to get redone, but it hasn’t happened). The electrical in this place is possibly illegal and of dubious safety and my washer is temperamental on the best of days. Right now, with 50 mph winds, my curtains are blowing in both rooms and I can feel the breeze (both windows are closed and locked, but are single glazed and need some work). None of these things really bothered me until I was forced to spend 23 hours a day here.

Which makes me want to move. I want something new, something fresh, managed by people who are interested in caring for their property and the furniture. I want something bigger. Something I am not embarrassed by. If you have ever tried to find a new place to live during lockdown, let me tell you, it is about as easy as trying to read a book in language you don’t speak while you are blindfolded in the dark.

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling restless, I hate not being able to really go outside, and I really hate not being able to travel. These feelings are all being compounded by my favourite place in the world: Napier.

After all of the fun with Napier while I was trying to work on the PhD, being screwed over waiting for the viva date, the horrible viva, and then rewriting an entire PhD in six months, I have yet to hear whether I have passed or not. One of my examiners is over a month late in reading my work, so no graduation for me….at least not for now.

This waiting, this limbo has kept me from enjoying anything. There is a chance they will reject my new work and I don’t get a PhD. There is a chance that they give me another 6 months of corrections, and there is a chance that they finally see that the first thing I published was a piece of shit written at the direction of someone who has no business supervising students on PhDs. To say that I am angry is an understatement. This feeling is keeping me from feeling motivation to do my job, to write some articles for publication, and do really do anything that I thought I would be doing at this point post PhD. I have weight that is not being lost, sleep that is not restful, and an attitude that is not positive.

I don’t like this feeling. I want to be happy. I want to do yoga. I want to write for fun. I want things that I’ve worked hard for to be recognized. I’d like a permanent contract at work and a promotion so I can make my loan payments, not have to pay heaps of money every 6 months for a visa and the uncertainty of this temporary contracts.

The one thing about this is that the weather is getting better, it is lighter later which means I can go for walks and avoid most people, and there are baby animals everywhere! The swans have had a successful batch of babies (7 little swanletts bopping around) and today’s walk was 2 different set of mini quacks learning to dive for food. There is nothing better than seeing little fluffy baby ducks learning to be ducks.

9 weeks down. 5 weeks to go.

Some of you better start preparing for the massive hugs you are about to get….you’ve been warned.

The Scamp Crosses One Off the List

When I first made the list in January, I had no idea that Covid19 would jump ship from China and create a worldwide lockdown. With all the changes to travelling and things that people can do, there are some things on my list that probably won’t be possible this year. I am going to try and do as many as I can though, and maybe push the list to things I can do next year when the world has a new normal that includes travel. I am making an adjustment to one of the things on the list. Instead of no screen Sunday, I am doing no social media Sunday as I have to spend most of my time solo and the weekend is the best time to talk to most of my friends and family.

The good news is, I have been accepted to an academic conference, and for the moment is still scheduled to take place, which means I will be able to present at an academic conference. Thank you, British Educational Research Association. This will be the first time that I present my updated thesis and I cannot wait. Hopefully, it doesn’t get cancelled like everything else in the world. The conference is in Liverpool, and I’ve never been there, so I am looking forward to that as well. I’d even settle for a virtual conference.

I’ve also put a plan in place thanks to the wombmate to lose the 20lbs. She has lost almost 35 lbs and has 20 left, so we have become virtual workout buddies and send each other progress reports every day to make sure that we are being active. It is a lot tougher for her because she has two babies, but she is killing it. I’ve started meal prepping as well and planning out better meals and getting more protein into my diet, so I am hoping that by our goal of October we can be 20lbs lighter.

The only good thing about the virus is that fitness people are posting at-home workouts that don’t require equipment, so I have an endless supply to work through and keep from going completely stir crazy. When I start naming all the plants in my flat, please send help.

Just a reminder of the list:

  1. Visit 3 new countries
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Solo author a paper
  4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
  5. Do yoga at least twice a week
  6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
  7. Make a dent in my student loan
  8. Finally get my UK driving license
  9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays
  10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
  11. Ride in a hot air balloon
  12. Go camping
  13. Celebrate passing my viva
  14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
  15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
  16. Get on an academic committee
  17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying (this has to be done in person so won’t happen until maybe 2021)
  18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
  19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
  20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)