Author: erranteditor

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 50

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I’m a week behind….as usual. The reason I’m only going to play catch-up for this post is that Week 51 is 100 things I am grateful for, and right now, I am having a hard time focusing on one thing.

So, week 50. I’m almost done with the challenge. This is the week that is dedicated to lessons that I have learned in the last year.

What haven’t I learned in the last year? This time last year I was in a meeting at Cal State Fullerton being told that the reason I was not successful in the programme was because I had a bad attitude, and I was forced to come to the realization that incorrectly cited parts of my paper were going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back on what was a horrible two years. I was beyond depressed, I was lonely, I had no money, and I was seriously at a loss for where my life was headed.

Today I woke up in Scotland. While the last couple of weeks have been rough in terms of my depression and anxiety, I am the happiest I have been in years. I’m working on my PhD, I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with some old ones, and have settled into a very very good life. I’m even dating (I promise I did not make him up). Life is not even close to perfect, but it is getting there.

So, what have  I learned this year?

I learned the power of family. My family never once wavered with their support when I was battling the programme, and then when I applied for the job here and decided that I was never going back to the United States. My sister in snark offered me advice and puppy love, and my favoruite Russian gave up her time to be my lawyer and try to minimize the damage done to me personally and professionally. My mom and brother got on a plane to come spend a week with me, and my sister sends me care packages and drops everything on the weekends to Skype with me and tell me that the world is not going to end for me anytime soon.

I learned that even on my lowest days, I have a lot to be grateful for. I started this challenge because things were starting to get bad in the programme and I wanted to try and keep myself from falling into the dark and twisty that was my usual MO. Every week I got to remind myself of something that I liked, someone that inspired me, or somewhere that I have had been lucky enough to visit. Even if it was little things like my favourite type of music, or my favourite type of food, it reminded me of things that I enjoy, and allowed me some distance from the things that I didn’t.

I learned the power of being myself. I’m a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, and every day I am a little more proud of that. I’m a nerd. I like books, I like cat videos, puppies, chocolate, and watching horror movies. I overthink everything, I’m awkward, and I am a true gypsy soul. I believe that store brand American peanut butter tastes better than almost anything else, and a quesadilla will solve all of my problems. I like to shop when I am sad. I am sarcastic, sometimes even when I don’t mean to be. I don’t understand dating. Some people get me, most people don’t….and that is okay (okay, I say okay, but what I really mean is, I want everyone to like me)

I learned that my slow cooking skills need a lot of work. Life goal for the new year: Learn how to use the slow cooker properly.

I learned that all the medication in the world is not going to make me feel as good as fresh air and yoga does. I have not done yoga properly in a month, and I can really feel it. I’m lacking some motivation, but I am hoping that someone can kick my butt into getting it done and staying on a schedule. The weather might be too cold for me to enjoy the fresh air, but my new yoga mat has barely been used, and that is a shame. I need to fix that. Like right now. In fact, I am going to put this on hold and do some yoga.

I learned that I can survive just about anything. Anyone who reads through the last year of posts will know how much I have done, and how there were only a few times that I really wanted to give up. Eventually though all roads led to Edinburgh, and I am a happy happy girl. Now I just have to survive until February when I can go home and get some sunshine and some more of my shoes.

The shoes. They are important. My goal now is to make my list of 100 things I am grateful for before Saturday so that I actually complete the challenge for the week in which it is intended.

 

The Scamp’s First Hanukkah in Scotland

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I may have to marry Stuart the FedEx guy. Today he brought me a box with my menorah in it. I forgot to have my mom bring it with her when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and I was worried that this would be the first year that I did not light candles.

My mother came to the rescue though. She sent it with a box of presents, and it arrived today, night three of Hanukkah.

So what is Hanukkah, you ask? Well, here is the BBC’s short and sweet version. The festival reminds Jews of a time over 2500 years ago when the Jews won a battle against the Greeks to practice their religion freely. The Greeks had banned all Jewish rituals. To celebrate, an oil lamp was lit in a Jewish temple. There was only enough oil to burn for one day – but miraculously it burned for eight days.

This is why the Hanukkah festival lasts for eight days and why light is really important in the celebration. With that in mind, not having my menorah with me was devastating. The first two days when the sun was setting I improvised with pictures from the internet. There is a very very very small number of Jewish people in Scotland, so it is not like I could just go out and buy another one.

But that’s what you do on an adventure; you improvise.

After I got the box I set out on a quest to find candles that fit my menorah. Let me tell you, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. I went to the grocery store first, assuming that they might have something. I took the menorah with me and looked really really really silly in the store trying to see if the selection of candles they had would fit the menorah. None of the traditional candles would work, and the birthday cake candles they had were way too skinny. I moved on to the PoundLand, and as luck would have it, the birthday candles they sell are just the right size!

I loved it. I’m sure I got a lot of funny looks while I was going about this whole process, but I am happy for that little bit of comfort and little bit of tradition that I get to keep here. I know that in a few years I will be smart enough to order candles off the internet and I will laugh at the way I had to piece together my first Hanukkah. I was going to try and make latkas, but I am still a little too traumatized from the slow cooker the other night.

I think that is something for night 8 when I have fully recovered.

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The Scamp is a Slow Cooker

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Betty Crocker I am not. Since the weather has been cold and stormy here lately, I thought that it would be wise for me to buy a slow cooker so that I could make soups and other warm treats to get myself through winter. During Black Friday I bought a nice little Crock Pot and a book of 200 recipes using the slow cooker. I was super jazzed about it. My mom is a slow cooking queen, and I have been having dreams about her homemade chicken noodle soup.

Instead of making chicken noodle soup (which is something that I know how to do) I thought I would make pot roasted chicken with veggies and potatoes. The boy was on night shift this week, so I thought something warm and hearty would be good, and help carry him through his shift. I’ve cooked dinner for him before, and it turned out just fine, so I really thought I had this in the bag.

Boy was I wrong.

So, this is what the meal was supposed to look like:

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It just had to simmer for 5 hours with the veggies, some chicken broth, herbs and lemons. Easy. Really easy.

Here is what it looked like at the start:

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This what it looked like at the end, and I was so grossed out, I couldn’t even serve it. I tasted some of the meat, it was tender and cooked all the way through, but then it was bland, and much of it was soggy and gross. The potatoes were over cooked, and the other veg was soggy.

Major fail on my part. I may actually puke just from the reminder.

The boy was a good sport. He did eat one bite and tell me it tasted good, but then we called for Chinese, walked next door to pick it up, and laughed our way through the meal. I was proper sad about my lack of skills for a bit, and did a bit of moping, but he was really nice about it all, and even now, a few hours later, as I munch on cold spring rolls and prawn crackers, I am laughing to myself at how bad it turned out. I’m also really glad that I have leftovers for tomorrow….as well as loads of dishes.

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So I learned a valuable lesson today. Just because I own a slow cooker and a cookbook doesn’t mean I can make 5 star meals. All well. One down, 199 recipes to go. Next up: chili black bean stew.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 47-49

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Week 49. Wow. I cannot believe it has been 49 weeks since I started the challenge. I can believe, however, that I am once again several posts behind on the challenge. For the last couple of weeks I have been battling some mad hibernation instincts, visiting with my family, and generally neglecting all things related to writing, academic and otherwise. The visit from my mom and brother did a lot to re-energize me, but now I am at the point where I have to make up for lost time.

Although, with the rain, wind, and temperature currently sitting at about 2C (36F) all I really want to do is get in bed with my book and Lambchop my hotwater bottle and call it a day.

But I digress.

Week 47 was dedicated to opportunities that I have been given. I know that I should be thinking more deeply about things like this, but honestly, I have been given a lot of amazing opportunities, and I am having a hard time thinking of just one major one that I am grateful for. Something a little on the shallow and cheesy side that I am grateful for is the role of babysitter to a little French Bulldog called Skyler. Skyler belongs to my neighbors. They are a lovely couple who unfortunately gets stuck signing for my packages when I am at work. While this may seem like a very very silly opportunity to be grateful for, it really isn’t. The one thing I want more than anything (well, not more than to pay off all of my debits and make enough money to not cry a little every time I look at my bank statement) is to own a Frenchie. I created an Instagram simply for the reason of following Frenchies. I want a puppy friend the way most people my age want a baby. I see people with their dogs all over the city, and while some let me pet their little fir babies, strangers usually don’t like it when you hug their dogs. I am not really in the position for a dog at the moment, so acting as a babysitter to this little love bug is like the next best thing. When I told my neighbor that I had my Odie who I miss a lot, she cooed at Skyler that she would have to be a cat for a day and provide some comfort….I am 100% okay with that.

Week 48 is dedicated to my job.

Well, this is an easy one. I am grateful for my job because it literally saved my life. I saw the posting for the position when things went south at CSUF and I had slid into the dark and twisty big time. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, had very few people in my life that I considered friends, and worried that I would never feel good about myself again. This job allowed me to move back to Scotland, the one and only place I have ever felt at home. This job allowed me to meet some incredible people, and be in the same place with some already amazing friends. This job is allowing me to test my patience playing the political game, spend my days doing research, and writing….all kinds of writing. A year ago I was a mess. Today, I am the happiest I have been in years. I know that this job is a big part of the reason why. It also doesn’t hurt that I will actually be Dr. Kimbo when my contract is up.

Week 49 is dedicated to what I like about winter.

When it is over. That is my favorite part of winter.

For real. I am not a fan of winter.

 

The Scamp and Thanksgiving

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Last night was the first time I celebrated Thanksgiving in three years. Usually I spend this time escaping the US and visiting new places. Last year I was in Estonia, and one of my best friends made me a feast of yummy food as well as provided me with a week of fun and adventure. The year before that I was graduating from the University of Edinburgh and enjoying my time in Scotland with my mom and sister. I spent the holiday meant to be all about giving thanks in places and with people that make me feel really thankful.

This year I was lucky enough to have my mom and brother visiting me in Scotland for Thanksgiving. My brother has never been here, so I had an amazing time showing him around all of my favorite places, and going to see things that I had never seen before. I decided that this year I would celebrate Thanksgiving with all of the new friends that I made. Most of them had never celebrated Thanksgiving before, and I had never made a complete dinner by myself, so I decided that it was a good chance for my mom to meet my friends, and to actually use my little kitchen to create a meal.

For my first attempt at a Thanksgiving dinner, it could not have gone any better. I was about two hours later than I thought I would be in terms of serving dinner, but the turkeys looked good, the potatoes, green beans, and stuffing were incredible, and the gravy was able to be saved (thanks Errol), and even though I really did not have a chance to sit and hang out with everyone, given all the laughter I heard, I think that everyone had a good time. I was so glad that my friends got to meet my mom and my brother (I wish the wombmate could have been here) since they are some of my favorite people, and I am glad that my mom got to see that I am surrounded by an amazing group of people.

I know that Thanksgiving is a time for people to think about what they are thankful for, and this is going to sound really strange given that for the last two years I have been writing about how miserable CSUF made me, but I am really thankful for that horrible horrible program. If it was not for that program, I would not have applied for the program here, and would not be back in the one place in the world that I feel at home. If all of that stuff hadn’t have happened, I would be graduating in a few months, but I would be miserable. Being Scotland would not even be on my radar. I’d be depressed, alone, and unhappy for sure. While there are things I miss, okay, really just my family and a few of my friends that I consider family, I wouldn’t trade any of that for where I am now. I’m grateful that the shitshow of a program led me to a program that I love, a job that I enjoy, and people that I love to be around.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 46

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The weather is turning cold here in lovely lovely Edinburgh. It is currently 10C (50 F) and rainy. The sun is setting earlier, and the leaves are disappearing. It is the type of weather that makes me want to curl up under blankets, drink hot chocolate, and watch Disney movies. I’m not smart enough to figure out if the heating in my place actually works, and for the moment it makes focusing on my work a bit hard. I spent all last week pouting about the way my job is going, and unfortunately that has put me behind in my work for the PhD. I have a friend who made a schedule, worked diligently every day was able to stay on a strict timeline. I have the best intention to do that, and somehow I never quite make it. I have things to do, but all I can think about is the fact that I am not really making progress in my work beside reading literature. I have a conceptual paper that needs to be written, but I feel like what I have written so far is not good enough to meet the standards of the PhD. I have academic writing PTSD and I am not sure how to get past it. I’ve been trying to just write for ten minutes a day, but even most of that is just complete and utter pish. I need a drill instructor to yell at me whenever I stop working, or fail to open a word doc.

Something that has been helping me is technology, which happens to be the focus of the gratitude challenge this week. Thanks to technology, I am able to Skype with my friends and family in the States, and just those little bits of time with them make me laugh and feel better on an off day. Technology is allowing me to stay current with the wombmate’s pregnancy, and will allow me to be present at the birth if I cannot make it back to the States in time. I can send photos, emails, and see people face-to-face thanks to technology. It is one of the reasons that my move here was pretty easy. Instead of having to wait a week to send a letter through the post, or make a phone call once a month because it is expensive to call international, I can get an almost immediate response to text, email, or picture message. This week I went to the National Museum of Scotland and wandered through the exhibit on Victorian photographs. It was really interesting to see the way that photography was done in that era, and how it has changed over time.

While the technological advancement was interesting and the photographs on display were amazing, it was fun to get dressed up and go to the museum after hours to see the exhibit, and then stay for a Victorian themed party. The people watching was incredible, the music was interesting, and the drinks were tasty. It was a fantastic date with an even more fantastic man, and one of those fun, non-touristy things to do in Edinburgh.

Perhaps the best thing about technology to me right now is the fact that in less than a week my mom and brother will be getting on a plane to come see me. They will be here for American Thanksgiving, and it has been almost five months since we have been in the same timezone, and I cannot wait to see them. It is my brother’s first time in Scotland, and I cannot wait to show him all of my favorite places.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 44 and 45

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Today I did something that I very rarely do: I called in sick to work and refused to leave my bed…well, sorta. I made a trip to the post office to get some packages, but that took about ten minutes. Then it was back to bed with my laptop, water, and candy corn. I’m tired. It might be a precursor to getting sick, it might be the start of a down cycle, or it might just be that I have been juggling way too much this week and after a little mindfullness, I decided to take the day off. I’m feeling so good about that choice that I might just take tomorrow off as well.

The day off has given me a chance to catch up on the gratitude challenge. You would think by week 45 I would have gotten better at completing them on the week that they are meant to correspond with, but in true Kim form, I am always a step or two behind.

Week 44 is my favorite holiday. This one is easy, and quickly approaching. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I don’t like it in the “let’s celebrate the fact that British settlers left their home, went to the new world and then killed all the Indians,” but more in the “I get to hang out with my family” kind of way. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love eating turkey and mashed potatoes, eating way too much dessert, watching football, and hanging out with the family unit. Thanksgiving at the Wilder-Davis house of Chaos includes liberal use of the word “fuck,” inappropriate dinnertime conversations, and singing off key to songs while doing the dishes. It is also my favorite holiday because for the last two years I have used the break at Thanksgiving to get away from the U.S. The first year it was to return here to Scotland to attend graduation, and last year it was to visit Estonia, Latvia, and Finland. Thanksgiving gave me something to look forward to while I was at CSUF. It offered me a light at the end of a really shitty tunnel. This year my mom and brother will be here for Thanksgiving. My brother has never been here, so I am excited to show him around and for him to experience my home. 2 weeks from now I will be reunited with a little bit of family.

I can’t wait.

This week is dedicated to what I do for fun.

What is fun again?

There are a lot things that I do for fun. I like to hang out with my friends, listen to music, read romance novels, and spend time outside. I like to travel, and I like to have silly Skype dates with my family. I like gossiping, and shit talking with my sister, and taking ridiculous photos of PRC in touristy places. Lately I have been having a lot of fun spending time with a boy watching David Attenborough’s The Life of Mammals. Overall, since I moved back to Scotland I have been having a lot more fun with the everyday little things. It is hard to believe that the challenge, and the year will be over in just seven short weeks. There are a lot of interesting things happening in the next few weeks, and this is the first time that I will not be home for Christmas, so I am both excited and nervous for the things to come.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 43

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Today is a good day to focus on gratitude. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed the last week or so. I’m trying to balance work and school with a social life, trying not to miss my family, and trying to sort out my world view. While I have the world view just about sorted, the rest of it is still up in the air.

That is not the reason that I choose to focus on gratitude right now. Today there was a stabbing at UC Merced. I do not know much of what happened other than several students were attacked, and the campus police shot and killed the man responsible. I My heart hurts for the people there, and I am incredibly saddened that a place that I felt so safe at has been violated in such a way. I owe a lot to UCM. They offered me a killer financial aid package that allowed me to gradate just about debt free, and being at a new school afforded me opportunities that not many people get to enjoy. It was at UCM that I discovered my love for writing, and discussing literature. I went Australia and got my first real taste of wanderlust while I was there.

I fell in love the for the first time at UCM.

It just so happens that Week 43 is about a mentor or teacher that I am grateful for. That is an easy one. There are two people that I am grateful for, and both happen to come from UCM. The first one is a plucky writer and poet by the name of Jared Stanley. Besides being a really cool guy, he was also one of the people that really encouraged my creative writing. He got me to write ridiculous poems that were complete shit, gave me books to read, and led me to one of my favorite poets, Gertrude Stein.  That nonsensical poetry has gotten me through a lot of rough moments, and has led me to a lot of wonderful people.

The other person that I am grateful for is a literature professor by the name of Jan Goggans. Jan is by far one of the coolest people I have ever met. She specializes in American literature, and was taught the first literature class I ever took. She encouraged discussion, challenged me to think about what I was reading, and helped me become a much better reader and writer. The last time I saw her she told me that she loved every minute of watching me grow as an academic, a writer, and a lover of literature. She wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation for grad school, and encouraged me to pursue a PhD.

Now, I living in the only place I have ever felt at home, and am surrounded by good literature, amazing people, and the chance to see the world. I’m still two weeks behind on the gratitude challenge, but I am having a hard time focusing, so I will come back to my gratitude when I’ve had a proper night’s sleep, and a chance to recharge.

The Scamp’s World View

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I had a meeting this week with my supervisors. They mapped out the next three years of my life, complete with a little sad face of death in the third year.

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As you can see, year 1 (my current position) is booked from now until July. I start to get a little more frazzled in year two, and by year three I have died before being reborn and achieving glory! I have sense added some things to year 2 and year 3 in terms of deadlines and things that need to be done, but I’m choosing to stay with these pictures because they make me a little less sad than the full chart.

Goodbye social life, hello burning the candle at both ends.

Despite this, I am excited that things are finally getting to the point that real work is getting done. For the last year I have been dealing with the disappointment of CSUF and the way that I was treated. It seems like forever ago that I was collecting data, doing research, and really doing something worthwhile to contribute to the field of education.

The problem is, before I can really get to the nitty gritty of collecting data, I have to settle on my world view. My supervisors asked me what my epidemiological and ontological views are. Now, this is a question that all researchers are asked at one point of another, especially PhD students as these views shape the way they gather data, the way they analyze the data, and the way that they present results. The answer to these two questions set the tone for the entire project.

The answer to these two questions are thus far eluding me.

I had to answer these questions when I was at CSUF, but I no longer view the world the same way.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. For those of you who do not aspire to be a student forever, or those of you who are a little rusty on your word parts, let me start with a simple definition of the two words.

1. Ontology and epistemology are both branches of philosophy that try to explain the existence of an entity or something.

2. Ontology which indicates the study of how something existed, its nature, or being, usually answers the question ‘what’.

3. Epistemology is often considered as the theory of knowledge, in which we know something exists, and it answers the questions ‘how’ and ‘what’

So now it is time for me to sit and think about how I think, how I construct knowledge, and how I go about answering questions in those categories. Easy right?

Wrong. First, I am not good in silence. If I spend too much time in silence then I am liable to go to the dark and twisty with my thoughts, so I always have music, podcasts, or TV playing. That does not allow for a lot of serious contemplation about the way in which I construct meaning in my world. Am  I a realist? Am I constructionist? Am I an interprestist?  Where does my belief in Critical Theory come into play? How can I explain my view in 500 words to my supervisors, and how can I spend more than 500 words explaining my views when the first chapter of my thesis is written? Do I want to do a Phenomenological study using grounded theory discourse? Do I even understand what that means?  I’ve been sitting with my laptop on my lap for the last three hours, and even with my crack skills as a researcher, I feel like I am no closer to answering the question than I was two years ago when I encountered them. 

Right now, I feel like I am sitting in the Pragmatism camp.

Pragmatic Paradigm

Ontology:Reality is the practical effects of ideas.

•Epistemology: Any way of thinking/doing that leads to pragmatic solutions is useful.

•Methodology:Mixed Methods,design–based research,action research

Anything that allows me to do action research is okay by me. We all know that I have had some battles with action research (Scamp on the Battleground), but luckily for me for the UK does not have the same hangups about a valuable form of research. I thought that maybe by the end of this I would have some better insight into the inner workings of my own mind and how my world view shapes my research, but I think that I have to spend some more time in the quiet to really figure it out. It might be time to unplug, turn off, and really get my shit together.

I am looking at my flow chart and I see how busy I am. I really need to refocus and get those 500 words written so I can start setting up the rest of my research I need do to stay on track with my three year plan.