erranteditor

The Scamp in Limbo

Posted on May 9, 2015 by erranteditor

lim·bo

noun

(in some Christian beliefs) the supposed abode of the souls of unbaptized infants, and of the just who died before Christ’s coming.
an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.

I’m Kimbo in limbo.

I have 27 days left in the United States. I no longer have a car, have sold almost all of my old books, and the books from the program from CSUF, and have sold the dishes that I have owned since I was 19. The goal this weekend is to try and sell my desk, some fantastic pots and pans, and a very impressive Tupperware collection. This is just the start of my strange time in limbo. Friends I have had since I was 14 are suddenly strangers, and I have failed to keep up correspondence with my friends overseas. People all around me are making plans, and very few of them remember that I am moving away.

My plans in Scotland have been a bit derailed as well because of a mix-up with dates, so I have to rent a room before I can make it to my place. This means that I will not have my stuff shipped right away, so I have to make due with what I pack for Spain, and that means I have to pack more than I thought I would.

Basically I am throwing myself a pity party. I want people around here to miss me. I want someone to notice that I am leaving and be proud of the fact that I am finally getting back to Scotland and earning a PhD. Then I remember that I have done nothing but complain about living in the United States, and have done nothing but mourn, pine, and feel homesick for Scotland. I have done nothing here to warrant people missing me.

No wonder no one will miss me. It is an odd feeling to have everything that I want right on the horizon, and want to mourn the loss of the life I have here. I hate it here. I’ve been counting down the days until I can leave since I landed in Los Angeles almost two years ago. All the same, it is becoming very real to me that I am leaving and not coming back. So, while I do not quite belong in Scotland, I no longer belong here in California. I’m a stranger in a strange land, I’m living in limbo between two places.

I once told David that if we ever broke up I would never come back to the US again. Funny enough, he was the reason I came back, accepted a spot at CSUF, entered into a disastrous relationship with someone who emotionally abused me, and have gone to a deep deep deep dark and twisty place. Now I sit in limbo because of the choices I have made, and hope that the Scottish version of sunshine and rainbows is waiting for me when I get there.

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”
― Brooks Atkinson

The Scamp and Gratitude Challenge Week 18 and 19

Posted on May 5, 2015 by erranteditor

I am way behind in the challenge. Way way behind. I have been spending my time trying to get things ready for my move, and I have been trying to get some yoga sessions in before I leave. I was able to find a Groupon that allowed me 30 days of unlimited classes at a new studio by house, and so far, it has been a nice change from doing routines in my backyard.

I’m feeling a bit strange lately, which is why it is important to get back to the challenge. Today I handed over my car to the new owner, and I am starting to have to think about what to pack. I have 30 days left in the US and I think it is starting to set in that I am about to leave for good. I have a place to live, I finally have all the paperwork I need for my visa, and I have meetings and work set up for when I get to Scotland, and the people around me are starting to express their excitement. I am starting to feel very strange about it. I have spent almost three years trying to get back to Scotland,and now it is starting to become real that I actually get to go back.

So back to the challenge. Week 18 is all about the weather. This is easy. Right now the weather is just about perfect. The days are sunny and warm, and the nights are warm enough that I can have my window open and enjoy the breeze and fresh air while I sleep. Lately I have been able to work on my tan too, so by the time I get to Spain for vacation, I will look nice and golden. I am really going to miss the warm weather and the sun, but I am looking forward to the definitive seasons that Scotland offers. I’m looking forward to sunny days in summer, the leaves changing in fall, snow flurries in winter, and the cherry blossoms in bloom in the spring. I know that Scotland sees a lot of rain and wind, but I think the change will be nice. I’m looking forward to practicing yoga in the park, walking everywhere, and my umbrella turning inside out on a walk from the bus to campus. I will miss warm sunny days in California, but that will make visits home that much better.

Week 19 is health. This one is very important to me. May is Lupus Awareness Month. I was diagnosed in 2008, but I feel very lucky. This disease can be horrible, but so far, I have been able to manage my symptoms, and keep the bad days few and far between. For those who are not super familiar with Lupus, Lupus.org breaks it down:

What is lupus?

Lupus is a chronic, autoimmune disease that can damage any part of the body (skin, joints, and/or organs inside the body). Chronic means that the signs and symptoms tend to last longer than six weeks and often for many years.

In lupus, something goes wrong with your immune system, which is the part of the body that fights off viruses, bacteria, and germs (“foreign invaders,” like the flu). Normally our immune system produces proteins called antibodies that protect the body from these invaders. Autoimmune means your immune system cannot tell the difference between these foreign invaders and your body’s healthy tissues (“auto” means “self”) and creates autoantibodies that attack and destroy healthy tissue. These autoantibodies cause inflammation, pain, and damage in various parts of the body.

Lupus is also a disease of flares (the symptoms worsen and you feel ill) and remissions (the symptoms improve and you feel better).

These are some additional facts about lupus that you should know:

Lupus is not contagious, not even through sexual contact. You cannot “catch” lupus from someone or “give” lupus to someone.
Lupus is not like or related to cancer. Cancer is a condition of malignant, abnormal tissues that grow rapidly and spread into surrounding tissues. Lupus is an autoimmune disease, as described above.
Lupus is not like or related to HIV (Human Immune Deficiency Virus) or AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome). In HIV or AIDS the immune system is underactive; in lupus, the immune system is overactive.
Lupus can range from mild to life-threatening and should always be treated by a doctor. With good medical care, most people with lupus can lead a full life.
Our research estimates that at least 1.5 million Americans have lupus. The actual number may be higher; however, there have been no large-scale studies to show the actual number of people in the U.S. living with lupus.
More than 16,000 new cases of lupus are reported annually across the country.
It is believed that 5 million people throughout the world have a form of lupus.
Lupus strikes mostly women of childbearing age (15-44). However, men, children, and teenagers develop lupus, too. Most people will develop lupus between the ages of 15-44.
Women of color are two to three times more likely to develop lupus than Caucasians.
People of all races and ethnic groups can develop lupus.

I have been lucky that I am mild. My health has been stable lately, and I have been fortunate enough to have access to doctors that can monitor me and keep me healthy. I know that I complain about Obamacare, but it is nice to have access to doctors and affordable medication. I am hoping that I can keep the trend of feeling good for a long long time.

This week’s gratitude challenge has temporarily calmed my fears and worries about the the coming month and moving to Scotland.

The Scamp and Bureaucracy

Posted on April 25, 2015 by erranteditor

Hey Scotland…..I do not keep my old plane tickets….especially not from 3 years ago, so, no, I do not have any proof that I left the country before my visa expired.

Or, at least any proof that you would find acceptable.

Why Scotland, why do you think I am a criminal who is living on your fair land illegally?

The Scamp Has a Home

Posted on April 15, 2015 by erranteditor

Today I found my home. One of my best friends from Scotland put me in touch with one of her co-workers who owns a one bedroom flat in an old bonded warehouse in Leith. While Leith is not near the campus where I will be working and going to school, it is near the water, it is safe and affordable, and it does not have to be a forever place. So far I have only traded emails with the owner, but she seems very nice, answered all of my questions, and seems to have a good sense of humor about the whole process. She tells me that she has had horrible renters in past, people that skipped out on two months worth of rent, people that have sold off all of the furniture that comes with the flat, and I guess the person living there is not really the best character.

I think the universe is rewarding me for all of the stress that I have been under lately. I still do not have my student number to apply for my visa, and I am still trying to figure out what to pack and how to get all of the things I need (and not necessarily all the things that I want) to my new home in time for me to get them.

I am very excited about my new home. I really haven’t seen it yet, but it already feels like it is my place. It already feels like this time I am going home after an extended leave. It will be the first time in two years that I live on my own, and while I am leaving behind my furniture, I am going to take some of my artwork and some pictures from my life here. I am excited to add my own personal touches, explore the area around the building, and find a library, a grocery store, and a good spot on the shore to sit and read books. This is the first time in a long time that I am excited to move, and I am not really worried about the packing, the shipping, and how to get the boxes once I send them to my new place. Knowing me, I will stress out about that as they come, but for right now, I am so excited that I can cross that off the list and that I will not be homeless on the 21st of June. Last time I did this I signed on to live in the dorms. At the time, I made the best choice I could, but this time I am 3 years older, and a whole lot wiser. No more dorms, no more snotty freshers, and no more awful food. The only awful food that will make it to my belly is the food that I cook. I’m sure that my cooking will improve greatly when I get there because I will want to show off for my friends by cooking fancy, authentic Mexican food with kosher tortillas that I plan to smuggle in.

After two very long years, I am finally headed back to my home. Maybe this time there will be a puppy waiting for me when I get there.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 14 and 15

Posted on April 13, 2015 by erranteditor

As usual, I am behind on the challenge. Part of it is born out of pure laziness, and part of it is for the last couple of weeks I have felt like a petulant child who is one who is five seconds away from throwing themselves on the floor for a full on tantrum. I’m having visa issues, and that is really stressing me out. The stress, in turn, is making me cranky with anyone and everyone that crosses my path. When I am in that mood, it is hard for me to remember to be grateful.

Week 14 of the challenge is a talent that I have. This one is hard for me because I am not sure that I really have a specific talent. I guess lately my talent for grammar is really saving me at work, and out and about in the real world.

Week 15 is a little bit easier. This week is all about the reasons that I like spring. This is so easy for me. There are a lot of reasons that I love spring. I love that it stays lighter later. I feel less like a slave and hermit when I leave the library between classes and it is still light outside. I like that I can sit outside longer. I also love it when the weather starts to get warmer. Although California is in a massive drought, and it has been warm for the last two years, I like that the days are warm enough to allow me to sit in the backyard and work on my tan, it is warm enough at night for me to sleep with my window open, and when I am driving around, I can roll down the windows, open the sun roof, and not feel like a giant sweat ball when I finally reach my destination. I like spring because flowers bloom. It also seems like people become a lot friendlier and a lot more willing to be nice around spring.

Well, most people anyway. Even my attempt to remain grateful has fallen short. I still have an “I hate the world” attitude, still want people to pull there heads out of their asses and give me what I need to be able to complete my paperwork. I wish that people understood the urgency of the situation, and were as worried about it as I am. I have less than 50 days to sort it out, and time is wasting. Hrrrrruuummmmpphhhh.

I also wish people would stop questioning my life choices. I am not leaving the United States to become a stripper crack whore. I’m leaving the US because I am much happier living in Scotland, and because I was offered the perfect position, and a chance to actually earn a PhD. People act like I am crazy, friends that I have had for years have stopped calling, and people act like I am being selfish for moving so far away from my family. Sometimes I swear it is like I told them that I want to drown babies and kick puppies for the rest of my life.

This should not bother me. My friends who are in the UK are excited for me to come back, and have bent over backwards to help me. My immediate family has no problem with my choice to officially become an expat, and those of my friends that I really care about and love already know that they have an open invitation to come stay and see the sites. Some of them have already talked about coming to see me and bringing their dogs for a romp around my fair city. Deep down I know that I have made the right decision, and I know that I will be a lot happier with work, school, life in general. California did me dirty for the last two years, and it is time that we break up for good this time.

Mama Scamp’s Birthday

Posted on April 6, 2015 by erranteditor

Today is Mama Scamp’s birthday!

She started out as a curious little tyke with the crazy bowl cut.

She was a crazy dare devil growing up, having broken most of her bones at one point in time. She played baseball, basketball, and has had the same exact smile since she was a little kid. Everyone who knew my grandma will see a lot of her in my mom.

My mommy has always been a hottie. I’m not sure how she managed to skip over the awkward stage that most of us have (or in my case, am still having), but she did.

She is definitely my favorite person. No matter what I do, she supports me 100%. She paid for my first degree, has helped me move to and from countless apartments, and has done her best to help me whenever I ask. She has yet to complain that I am moving back to Scotland in 60 days.

She really is the only one who gets me. We laugh at things no one thinks are funny, we can spend hours watching cat videos, and she supports all of my crazy ideas for back-up careers.

She lost her mom 20 years ago and I think that made her work extra hard to make sure that all of us kids were taken care of. We know we can always come home, always call her for help, and count on her to do something to make us laugh. She spoils us rotten (but I am totally okay with that).

She is my best friend and favorite person. I pity people who do not have a mom as awesome as mine.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge Weeks 12 and 13

Posted on March 29, 2015 by erranteditor

I’ve been in a daze the last few days. I’m on spring break, so I have been trying to tackle the hardest mission of moving: spring cleaning.

So far I’ve filled two boxes, five bags, and an entire rubbish bin. I have no idea where all this stuff came from. Every time I think I got things down to a manageable level, I find more things that need to go with me. I know that I should be excited about the move and my upcoming position, but I am just getting more and more stressed. I am having a really hard time finding a place to live, still do not have the paperwork I need for my visa, and I have yet to figure out how to get all of my stuff to Scotland with me. I found out this week that I will now be attending a conference in at the end of June in England, and while I should be excited about that, I find myself a little more stressed. I feel like I do not have enough time to make this all happen.

I’m trying not to stress. I really am.

Which brings me to the gratitude challenge for last week and this week.

Last week’s topic covered a personality trait that I am most proud of, and this week covers something that I have overcome.

That one is easy.

The one thing that I am proud that I have overcome is the whole sorted mess with CSUF. I got kicked out of the program after being bullied for a year, and in less than three months, I have already managed to pick myself up and move on to a much better place in life. I may not be around long enough to see that program and the people who run it get what they deserve, but I am so happy that I was able to escape mostly intact. I have 68 days until I leave and can put this all behind me, and in the meantime, I am going to make sure that I can be as much at peace with what happened as I can.

That leads me to last week’s challenge: a personality trait that I consider my favorite. I would have to say that is my ability to worry and stress over everything.

I kid, I kid…..kinda.

Beside my sarcasm and snark, my favorite personality trait is my perseverance. There have been more than a few times that I wanted to just pull the blankets over my head and call it a day. I almost quit so many times before I got the boot against my will. I almost gave up on my dream of moving back to Scotland and getting my life sorted in the one place that I am truly happy. I know that my perseverance will allow me to make it through the next few weeks and get everything sorted before I leave the US for good. I also know that my perseverance is what is going to allow me to succeed when I finally settle in my home.

“You must read, you must persevere, you must sit up nights, you must inquire, and exert the utmost power of your mind. If one way does not lead to the desired meaning, take another; if obstacles arise, then still another; until, if your strength holds out, you will find that clear which at first looked dark.”
― Giovanni Boccaccio

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge Week 11

Posted on March 24, 2015 by erranteditor

I’m way behind. Way way way behind with the challenge. It is to the point now that I feel guilty when I miss the post, and it gnaws on me. That being said, I have been grading poorly written midterms, celebrating birthdays, and minorly freaking out that the paperwork for my new life in Scotland is not yet complete. March is almost over, and I need my passport on June 5th, so the days are slowly trickling away. I’m starting to freak out and stress a bit.

But, back to the challenge. I’m supposed to be focused on the good, not the bad.

Week 11 is all about a person that inspires me. This was hard for me. I’ve spent a long time with my head buried in the sand lately, so it is hard for me to really think of who really inspires me.

There are a lot of people that would fall under this category, but I ultimately settled on a fellow gypsy soul, who not only understands the value of seeing the world, but does a pretty amazing job of writing about his adventures along the way.

Nathan and I met in 2009 when we both registered for a literature class dedicated to Mark Twain. I was working for Professor Gregg Camfield at the time as a project manager for the updating and renovating of the museum at Angle’s Camp. The class served as research assistants, and each of us was in charge of putting together a small presentation for the Mark Twain exhibit. I was in charge of keeping everything together, and for helping the museum map out how the exhibit would come together. Nathan and I got to know each other over discussions of literature, and then the poor guy got to know me even better (or at least see me in my penguin pajamas more than anyone should) when he started dating my roommate. After I graduated from UC Merced and moved to San Diego for my MA, Nathan and I would occasionally chat through Facebook, but I would not call our relationship more than a casual acquaintance.

It was actually writing that offered us a chance to reconnect. When I moved to Scotland the first time, Nathan was one of my original readers. Despite not actually seeing each other since 2009, social media and the internet has allowed us to have some interesting discussions about books, writing, and the need to travel.

After he graduated from college with a degree in Art History, he found himself in a life that was not making him happy, so he did what many of us would never have the courage to do, he quit his job and bought a one way ticket to Europe. He started a blog, and has been making money by writing and chronicling his adventures as he explores every corner of Europe. You can find his writing here: http://lifeisacamino.com/

This is the part of him that really inspires me. I spent a long time thinking that there was something wrong with me because the thing in life that made me happy was traveling. I do not know many people that love adventure and writing as much as I do, but Nathan is definitely one of them. His writing skills, honesty, and sense of adventure makes me jealous more often than not, but reaffirms my desire to travel and explore the world as much as I can.

Sadly, his adventure is about to come to an end. He will return home in May, and hopefully he continues to write and explore, and be a gypsy soul. He has inspired me to write more of my travels, and not second guess my choice to be a wanderer while I am still able.

“There’s a race of men that don’t fit in,
A race that can’t sit still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin, And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest; Their’s is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don’t know how to rest.”
― Robert W. Service

The Scamp Jumps: The Video Edition

Posted on March 18, 2015 by erranteditor

I especially enjoy the parachute getting twisted and Brad telling me we will be fine.

oh, and the site of me almost puking and passing out at the end. I’m a hot disheveled mess.

I wouldn’t change any of it.

The Scamp Jumps

Posted on March 9, 2015 by erranteditor

I turned 28 by jumping out of an airplane. It is one of the most thrilling, and stupid things that I have ever done.

I signed away my entire life, and talked my dad into doing the same thing. I am really not sure why I wanted to jump out of a plane, other than the fact that it was as close to an adventure as I could get right now. I wanted to know how it would feel to fly. My mom and brother trooped out to the lovely little city (extreme sarcasm) of Perris, and after a two hour wait, it was time to fly.

After getting suited up, taping a pre-jump interview, an awesome flight suit, and some safety instructions, it was time to board the plane. I was lucky enough to get the good looking Brad. He was a great guy. He laughed, joked, and made sure that I was entirely comfortable the whole time. If I did not have my heart set on getting out of the US as fast as possible, I would have flirted with him a lot more….well, more than sitting in his lap and holding on to him while he got our parachute untangled.

I have no words for how incredible it was to jump out of the plane. It wasn’t the stomach dropping excitement of being on a roller coaster, or the scary feeling you get when an airplane dips while flying, but it is an incredible rush. You forget to breathe, forget to be afraid, forget that you are even hurling toward the earth. I loved the free fall. I’m not sure my dad felt the same way.

The adorable Brad let me steer the parachute, we played merry-go-round with the cameraman, and practiced some crazy turns that left me feeling really a bit sick. I did not land gracefully. Brad ended up on top of me, and I managed to get myself tangled in the parachute, but it was worth it. A funny thing happened to me when I landed. All of the adrenaline finally left my body, and I got a bit sick. I didn’t know if I should puke or pass out, and I very well almost did both.

Not sexy.

Brad was great about it, and once I was free of the jumpsuit, I found a nice spot on the grass to lay down for a bit. I got a shirt, video, and pictures to mark the day. I plan on taking the picture they printed out for me to Scotland to hang on my wall.

I finished off the day with a dinner with the wombmate and her friends. While it was not really how I wanted to spend my birthday, it was fun, and she enjoyed herself.

28 is starting off with a bang. Now I have three months to find a flat and figure out how to ship my stuff to Scotland. Where is the apartment fairy when you need her?

The Scamp Abroad

The musings of a wandering expat

Author: erranteditor