erranteditor

The Scamp Whats and Ifs

Posted on January 26, 2015 by erranteditor

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I have been off for 6 weeks, and I am not sure that I am ready for the vacation to end. The last 6 weeks have been tough. Since I cut ties with the EDD program, I have been trying to figure out what is next for me. The community college Gods are smiling on me and there are an abundance of full time English positions opening for the fall of 2015. There are 250 people applying for each of these positions, but I am hopeful that my application will stick out to someone on one of the hiring committees at one of these community colleges.

Of course, talking to a lot of my friends who are also applying for these positions, I am starting to worry a bit. A lot of them have great relationships with their professors and with the people that they teach for now. I do not have this. I have a very strained relationship with the college I last attended, and I am too new in my job for anyone to really know my name. I’d much rather that my application was judged based on my skills, qualifications, and relevant teaching experience, rather than what someone who I worked for a couple of years ago. This further showed me that I am not good at the game of politics that exists in the field of higher education. I just want to be in a room teaching students how to write and help them progress in their academic career. The application process, the way I have to “sell” myself is very hard for me.

This whole process, and the last 6 weeks has caused me to utter two words over and over: What if?

As Romcom Letters to Juliet notes:

“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?”

what

(h)wət

pronoun

1.

asking for information specifying something.

“what is your name?”
2.

the thing or things that (used in specifying something).

“what we need is a commitment”

determiner

1.

asking for information specifying something.

“what time is it?”
2.

(referring to the whole of an amount) whatever.

“he had been robbed of what little money he had”

adverb

1.

to what extent?

“what does it matter?”
2.

used to indicate an estimate or approximation.

“see you, what, about four?”

if/

conjunction

introducing a conditional clause.

synonyms:

on (the) condition that,provided (that),providing (that),presuming (that),supposing (that),assuming (that),as long as,given that,in the event that

“if the rain holds out, we can walk”

2.

despite the possibility that; no matter whether.

“if it takes me seven years, I shall do it”

Noun

a condition or supposition.

“there are so many ifs and buts in the policy”

What if I do not get one of the full time positions? What if I do not get a position in Scotland? What if I never get to finish my PhD? What if I do not make enough money each month to pay all my student loan payments? What if I can’t find full time work and have to live with my parents for the foreseeable future?

These what ifs are starting to stress me out. They are keeping me up at night, making me doubt myself, and keep me in the doom and gloom that I have been trying so hard to get myself out of for the last two years.

Tomorrow I get to go back to the job that I love. I’m excited that I get to spend another semester doing what I love, and once the papers start coming in, I know that it will keep me from all the crazy “what ifs?” that are floating around in my head.

One thing that I would like to note: I was able to take the countdown of my time in the program off of my phone. I feel like I’ve been released from prison, or that I have been rescued from a deserted island. Deleting that countdown from my phone allows me to put countdowns for fun things, like my upcoming trip to Boston and the summer trip to Spain.

Celebrating the little things.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge Week 4

Posted on January 23, 2015 by erranteditor

I’ve got a nasty flu that seems to be going around, so my want to do anything other than lay in bed with DayQuil, tissues, and Netflix has been next to nil.

The theme for the gratitude challenge this week is a family member. I have decided that this coveted honor (okay, I am pretending that all of my family and friends would like a mention on my blog of awesomeness) is going to my sister-cousin, Mckenna.

This 20 year old stunner is my oldest cousin on my dad’s side of the family. I remember when she was born. My aunt and uncle lived down the street from my dad, so my sister and I used to go over to their house and play Barbies or run around outside. When they moved to a bigger house, I remember playing in the yard, and playing hide and seek in the house while babysitting. As long as I can remember, Kenna wanted to ride horses. My aunt and uncle paid for lessons, leased a horse for her, and drove her all over the place for horse shows.

When she was getting ready to apply to college, she asked me to help her with her admission essays. She got into the school of her dreams, and moved 3,000 miles away on her own to pursue her riding career and study business. She is getting ready to graduate soon, and I cannot wait to see what she decides to do after college.

She is the focus of my gratitude this week because she is like a second little sister to me. We text and laugh, and Skype, and when I was living in Scotland we talked a lot. When David and I broke up and I was miserable, she let me cry to her on Skype and made me laugh with pictures of her pup. We share the common plight of the single gal, and she has already pledged to be a cat lady with me. She makes me laugh, she’s fun to hang out with, and I know that she is destined for great things.

I am one lucky sister-cousin.

I go back to work next week, and while I am ready for that, it feels strange to no longer be a student. As happy as I am to be free of the misery that was the EDD program at Cal State Fullerton, it is a bit strange to have all of this free time. I feel like I should reading more, or doing more research, or working on applying to the large number of full time jobs that have suddenly presented themselves to me. Instead, I am watching bad reality TV, and trying to find pictures of my family that are suitable for the internet. I’m hoping that once I get back into work mode things will settle into a routine, but in the meantime, there are so many options for bad reality TV, I can keep myself pretty busy.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 3

Posted on January 16, 2015 by erranteditor

Week 3 of the gratitude challenge is one that I can write pages and pages and pages about: my family.

I make no secret that my favorite people in the entire world is my family. It is the easiest thing in the world for my to be grateful for them. For the last two years I have been struggling at California State University, Fullerton. The program has worn me down, and as of yesterday, I am no longer a part of the program. While I was in meeting after meeting listening to how I was academically dishonest and emotionally unstable, my family was there to make me laugh and remind me that they loved me whether I was a cheater or not.

My brother eloquently reminded me that sometimes in life you have to have to play the game to survive. He told me:

“Sometimes in life you have to suck a dick. You don’t have to like it, and you sure as hell don’t have to swallow, but sometimes you just have to suck a dick.”

My sister and brother-in-law took me out, sent me cat pictures, and reminded me that the people in the program are the misguided racist people, and that what I put up with in their presence is not the real world. They joke with me, and don’t let me wallow in my misery. We talk, text and hang out with each other all the time, and although they usually have to drag me out kicking and screaming, it is always a good time.

The rest of my family has been equally as supportive of my journey. My aunt, uncle, and cousins have been outraged on my behalf and supportive of my journey. We are lucky enough to get to spend a lot of time together, and I love hanging out with them.

I know that everyone says that they have the best family, but I honestly believe that my family is the best, We laugh, we joke, we support each other, and we are lucky enough to live near each other.

This week the gratitude for my family goes a little bit deeper. Today is the anniversary of my grandma’s death. This is a hard day for my mom. She has spent the last 19 years without her mother. I think of all the times I have cried on my mom’s shoulder, gone out to dinner with her, watched movies with her, cooked dinner, gone on vacation with her, and driven her crazy. I have the luxury of always having her in my corner.

My mom does not. She doesn’t get to cry to her mom when she has a bad day, or go out to dinner, or even just have phone conversations. I know that my mom misses my grandma every day. Their relationship was far from perfect, and my grandma had a lot of daemons, but she loved my mom, and I know that she loved us too.

My grammy was a stunner. She was born March 19, 1938 in New York. She was a lover of big hair, big glasses, and big purses. I remember the crazy large glasses, the outrageous purses, and the long painted nails. She was killed in a car accident January 16, 1996 because she refused to wear her seat belt. For a woman who wouldn’t put her key in the ignition if one of us was not belted in, she was careless about her own safety. Having only been able to spend a limited amount of time with my grammy makes me appreciate my mom that much more. I’m grateful for all the time that I get with my family, but a little extra grateful today that I still have my mommy around.

The Scamp Without a Catchy Title

Posted on January 16, 2015 by erranteditor

Hello, my name is Kim and I am addicted to Eos and yoga leggings.

Today all six of the Eos that I have somehow made it into my purse with me.

Today I bought another pair of yoga pants. I resisted the urge to buy neon print (you’re welcome world), but settled for a black leopard print.

Today I drank a beer that was as big as my head.

Today I quit grad school.

The Scamp’s Life in a Movie Poster

Posted on January 14, 2015 by erranteditor

The Scamp and Gratitude Challenge Week 1 and 2

Posted on January 12, 2015 by erranteditor

2014 was a rough year for me. It was so rough on me that I have become an ungrateful person. I became so consumed with the program and all the shit that happened every Tuesday night, that it consumed my life. I posted 89 entries last year, and only 6 of them were happy or positive. I was hoping having survived 2014 that 2015 would bring some good karma, but it looks like it will be slow going. I’m in for quite a fight, and I am trying to do all that I can to avoid getting sucked into the dark twisty any farther than I am now. To help me accomplish this, I have decided to take part in a gratitude challenge. 52 weeks of sharing things I am grateful for. 52 weeks to make sure that at least one post is happy, and 52 weeks of reminding myself that even though one aspect of my life may be a bit of a mess, all of the other areas are pretty dang great. Here is the list of topics that I will be covering each week:

Since it is the start of week 3, I am going to cover week 1 and 2 in this post. Week 2 is about a spouse/significant other, and since I do not have either one of those, I am choosing to instead write about a very important man in my life: Odin. Odin is a 12 year old tomcat that my brother saved from the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant near our home. Odie has had quite the life. He spent most of his early days gallivanting around the neighborhood. He got in fights, came home with battle wounds, and I’m sure got more than one girl kitty preggers. When he was about 5 years old, someone cat-napped him and fed him anitfreeze. He crawled his way home, and all but died in my mom’s arms as she rushed him to the vet. He survived the week at the vet’s office, and then came home to be spoiled by my mom. I remember seeing him shortly after he came home. He was skinny and frail. He didn’t move out of the chair, and my mom hand fed him lunch meat and kept a water bowl near him.

He eventually got fixed, and turned into a lazy boy who slept all day and never went outside. The good thing about him loosing his balls was that he stopped drooling as much. In the last few years, he has really become my cat. He hangs out with me, sleeps on my bed every night, and serves as my research assistant when I am working from home.

He makes me feel better when I am sad, he cuddles when I need it, and now that he is getting up there in years, I am not sure that he will be able to make the return trip to Scotland with me. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my time with my little smooshie, and be grateful that I am enjoyed 12 years with him.

The Scamp and Vy Higginsen

Posted on January 5, 2015 by erranteditor

It is not often that I make it through an entire newscast. I find most of the news as of late depressing, and usually end up leaving the room or changing the channel. Tonight, I made it through an entire 15 minute segment, and I am really glad I did. Lately I have been searching for inspiration. I’m filling out applications and scholarship forms for the University of Edinburgh and after answering questions about my proposed research topic and why I want to complete my degree, I am afraid that I sound contrite and fake. I’m serious about my research topic, and I am serious about helping students, but for some reason, it just feels flat on a page. I wish I could just submit a video answering all of the questions. At least then the committee could enjoy my funny accent and see my passion for my students and for my research.

Tonight I watched a segment on 60 Minutes called Alive and Kickin’. While this may be considered a fluff for 60 Minutes, I immediately fell in love with the great Vy Higginsen and the work that she is doing.

I was lucky enough to find a link to the segment. It is worth the 15 minutes. I promise you will not be disappointed.

Alive and Kickin’

If Vy’s personality wasn’t enough to win me over, her message through Alive and Kickin’ would be. She believes that it is never too late to start again. That was enough of a reminder that even though I am two years late, applying to PhD programs in Scotland is a good idea.

In addition to Vy, I loved the merry band of seniors that she found for her show. I loved the woman who was so extremely proud of her sons for growing up and going to college. I loved the 75 year old man who not only battled alcoholism, but he went back to school when he was 50 to learn to read and write. He was by far my favorite because of his deep voice and his smile. I loved the married couple, it takes a strong woman to stay with a man who spent 40 years in and out of jail. I loved it when Vy took the seniors to meet her teenagers and teach them the value of gospel music. I wouldn’t mind having Vy Higginsen sitting next to me with her laugh and her positive energy while I suffer through another semester in the grad program. I think I would make it through every Tuesday class just fine if she was next to me.

I’m going to watch this video every time I start to lose focus of what I want to do with my teaching career. She is keeping a valuable tradition alive with today’s youth, and she is giving a voice to some pretty amazing people in Harlem. I hope that I am half as passionate about my work when I put all the yuck of the last year behind me.

The Scamp and Squishy

Posted on December 31, 2014 by erranteditor

With only one day left in 2014, I decided to try and end the year on a high note, so I made a new friend.

World, meet Squishy. Squishy is the son of one of my dear friends from the cohort. She has known my mom for years, but I got to know her while she was my study buddy last year. I was beyond excited when she announced she was pregnant, and even more thrilled when she gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Thanks to my own personal hell, it has taken months for me to finally be able to meet him, but let me tell you….it was well worth the wait.

Squishy sleeps like an angel, barely fusses when he wants to be fed, and burps like a well skilled frat boy. He puked on me after I fed him, so I am choosing to see that as a sign of acceptance.

Squishy was a great distraction from graduate school applications, and the never ending hunt for funding. The good news: there are plenty of options to fund my entire study. The bad news: I may have to start over and do the full three years. At this point though, if it means I get to finish a degree and research that I am passionate about, then I am all for it.

The Scamp at the End of the Year

Posted on December 30, 2014 by erranteditor

There are two days left in 2014. The universe spent most of the this year shitting on my face, and with my possible expulsion from the doctoral program pending review; it does not appear that 2015 is going to get off to a good start.

I have spent almost a year of my life depressed and stressed in a program that literally broke my spirit, I have spent many an hour in my therapist’s office trying to figure out what I should do about my degree. I had big big plans for this degree. It was my ticket to a full time university gig, and my ticket to improving basic skills writing programs at the community college level.

This degree was my ticket out of the United States. With those three fancy letters behind me, I was going to set off on my next grand adventure to the land of Kiwis and beautiful beaches. I wanted to finish off my prison sentence here and then go be a happy healthy adult in a country that feels okay about dual citizenship. I know that it is foolish to say that the degree is the only way to fulfill this dream, but it is almost impossible to get a university teaching post without with a doctorate.

While I love my job at the community college, and feel like I am reasonably good at what I do there, I do not know if I can be happy in this area after all that has happened. While I was in Estonia, I had decided to stay in the program, tough it out, get my degree, and move on. Now with a trumped up charge of academic dishonesty, and the supervisor who processes my time card withholding mine so I do not get paid on time, I am thinking that it is time to move on.

I have decided that I am going to see about transferring back to the University of Edinburgh. I am going to email the lovely woman who supervised my dissertation (she just so happens to be the same person who runs the PhD. program) and see if there are funding options that would allow me to stay loan free, and if some of the work that I have completed here could save me some time on completion there. It is a long shot, but, that’s what I thought of my chances getting in the first time. Right now, anything would be better than staying in this program, so I am going to try and get 2015 off to a good, or at least, hopeful, start.

Right now, even the thought of being able to go back and finish my degree from a world ranked university rather than a school I am embarrassed to admit that I attend, sounds pretty darn good to me. I spent the last few months trying to salvage my education here and not give up because I thought that it would mean that the horrid people I am forced to be with once a week would win. I thought I would look like a quitter if I admitted defeat and didn’t finish out the program. I thought that I could put my head down and lay low for the next 214 days in hell.

I’m not a quitter, but there is a big difference between getting my soul crushed for a meaningless degree, and walking away to get the education I deserve, and should have had all along. The biggest mistake I have ever made was turning down a chance to stay in Scotland to come home for a boy.

It has taken me two years, and a lot of pain, but it looks like I finally have a chance to correct it.

The Scamp and Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2014 by erranteditor

It is not really Christmas at the Wilder-Davis-Rodriguez House of Chaos until someone says fuck at the dinner table. That honor went to me again this year. I’m going on a four year winning streak.

This year’s winning phrase: Bill Fucking Murry.

This photo sums up Christmas for me. I’m entirely sober and hyperventilating over a joke my brother told

Happy Christmas from the Wilder-Davis-Rodriguez House of Chaos

My sister and her husband took a “couples” picture, as did my parents. I took a “couples” picture with the most important male in my life

15 years of photos like this. Typical Wilder Children

My Christmas present this year was two tickets to see the Mighty Mighty Bosstones and a plane ticket to Spain. Needless to say, it was a very happy Christmas

Happy Christmas everyone. I hope that you are as lucky as I am and get to spend the day surrounded by people that you love.

The Scamp Abroad

The musings of a wandering expat

Author: erranteditor