Ed.D Phase | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp on the Battleground

Posted on October 1, 2014 by erranteditor

I’m sitting in the middle of my qualitative inquiry class and all I want to do is cry (okay, let’s be honest, I cried. I actually got up and left the room and cried. Giant hiccuping sobs Snot, hiccups, and embarrassment. I came home before the second class started and had a beer, french fries and onion rings). Since I started this program I have continually battled with whether or not I made the right choice.

Days like tonight make the answer very clear: no. I made the wrong choice. I am now extremely depressed in a program that touts me as a racist, and today I learned that the program has never approved a proposal for action research. For anyone who isn’t aware of what action research is, here is a quick breakdown:

Action research is a practical approach to professional inquiry in any social situation. The examples in this component relate to education and are therefore of particular relevance to teachers or lecturers engaged in their daily contact with children or students. But professional practice need not be teaching: it may be management or administration in a school or college, or it may be in an unrelated area, such as medicine or the social services. The context for professional inquiry might change, but the principles and processes involved in action research are the same, regardless of the nature of the practice. (Water-Adams, 2006)

I believe as a future leader, and current practitioner that it is important to look at, and understand the practices in the classroom, and what needs to be changed in order to promote student success. I believe that my proposal not only lends itself to a dissertation, but it has merit and value in the field of basic skills writing. I also believe that as a future leader, I should be looking beyond race when I set out to help my students. I currently have 60 students, and I cannot, for the life of me, tell your the ethnic breakdown of my students.

In the program, that makes me a racist. I have made no secret to my displeasure in class, and my frustration with the mindset of some of the people. I have spent countless hours in therapy trying to deal with the boat I am in, but it is harder and harder for me to remember why I decided to stay in the program. Tonight I was told I have no critical consciousness, and therefore cannot be a good leader, because I do not look at the race, and I do not tailor my classes so that nonwhite students are given priority. I was also told that it is not my fault, I am white, and privileged, so I do not understand how to help students who are not white. I lack professional development which is just as much a problem of the college for not offering it, and me for not seeking it out.

Today I told my professor I saw no reason for me to continue in this program. Between hiccups I told her how attacked I felt, and how this program was only teaching me to be racist. I am not a quitter. I think anyone who really knows me knows that, but for the last year, all I have thought about is quitting. This program is one of the major reasons that I cannot wait to get back overseas. I was willing to just about break my bank to go to Estonia for a week at Thanksgiving, just so I don’t have to be anywhere near this program and these people. I’m seriously considering how bad it would be if I did not come home.

My friends have been pretty great. A few of the people in the program emailed and text me to make sure that I am okay. and my best friend sent me these words of wisdom:

It’s a long road. We’ll be 30 soon though, far smarter than our peers, angry at the world, paying of debt and having the times of our lives

He’s right. I just have to make it to 30. I will still be friends with the few people in the program I have really connected with, and I will never have to deal with the rest of them ever again.

The one thing that I have decided to do is fight this system. I am going to do an action research dissertation. I was the first person they ever allowed to defer admittance, so why can I not be the first person to do action research? I know I shouldn’t try and change the world right now with my work, but I want to do something I am proud of, and I will not be proud of anything less than the study I designed. This will be my giant “f-you” to the program. I haven’t decided if I am going to quit the program or not, but I have a meeting with the director on Monday to discuss my future. That gives me a few days to cool off and think about what I want, and how I am going to get it. In the meantime, I am going to ignore the classes, focus on my writing students, and figure out how to get myself into a clear mindset.

The Scamp Plans a Visit

Posted on September 29, 2014 by erranteditor

In 54 days, 11 hours, and 29 minutes I will be on a plane to Estonia.

This caged bird is getting a week of freedom. My credit card is sad, but my heart is happy. I will get to spend a week with one of my best friends, and get to explore a new country. I don’t care if it snows, or if none of my other friends can make it, the week long break from all that is going on in my bubble here is worth it.

The countdown keeps me going. None of the drama of the program, my frustrations with the research job, or any of my feelings about being home seem that bad when I know that in 54 days I get a break.

This marks the third year in a row that I will not be home for Thanksgiving. I am extremely thankful for the chance to escape my gilded cage. I cannot wait to plan my adventure. I have already decided to visit Helsinki, and Latvia. My family is from Latvia, so I think seeing my roots for a bit might do me a bit of good.

The only thing that would make this trip perfect is if some of my friends from Scotland can come along as well. A year without seeing each other is far too long.

The Scamp and Her Gypsy Soul

Posted on September 19, 2014 by erranteditor

316 days, 11 hours, and 52 minutes until I complete my coursework for the EdD program.

64 days, 12 hours, 51 minutes until Thanksgiving break.

Not that I am counting.

Thanksgiving means a chance to go to Estonia (I hope) and see one of my best friends, and the end of my coursework means a trip to Spain and Portugal with my parents.

My gypsy soul needs to wander soon. I’m getting restless.

“There’s a race of women that don’t fit in, A race that can’t sit still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin, And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest;Their’s is the curse of the gypsy blood,

And they don’t know how to rest.”
― Robert W. Service

The Scamp and Her Favorite Toy

Posted on September 6, 2014 by erranteditor

Today I finished my second week of teaching.

Good news! I still love it.

For the start of every class I teach, I have the student correct a sentence to practice their grammar and sentence writing, and then I have them answer a question or prompt. My goal with these exercises is to help my student keep their grammar skills in check, and to get themselves in a writing mindset. The journal questions range from “If you were stuck on an island with the Kardashians, who would you kill first and why?” to “Tell me about your favorite school experience to date.” The goal of the exercise is not to stump my students, but allow them ten or so minutes to write some pretty prose. This week I introduced them to the concept of writing from recall. To get class started, I asked my students what their favorite childhood toy was.

I got some very interesting answers. One student said they loved a battery operated red hen that laid eggs. The hen had been a 4th birthday gift. Another student mentioned how much they loved collecting and playing marbles. While I read their entries tonight, I thought about my favorite toy. I’ve had a lot of them. I used to love playing with my Barbies, and with my Polly Pockets. I loved Polly Pockets.

There was one thing that I loved more than Barbies, Polly Pockets, and any other toy that I owned.

His name was Bun. The exact origin of Bun is unknown, but he was my best friend. He went everywhere with me. I was a really shy kid (I know, hard to believe), so more often than not, you could find me sitting alone sucking my thumb and rubbing Bun’s ear.

Bun had his fair share of adventures. I remember one such outing to the local Price Club (now known as Costco). My brother, sister and I were sitting in the cart on our way to the car. My brother and I ended up in a tug-of-war over Bun. Before I knew it, I pulled Bun back to safety….or at least I thought I did. I had Bun in my hands, and my brother had Bun’d ear in the other. I screamed bloody murder. I cried until the next door neighbor sewed the ear back on and returned Bun safely to me. Before too long, Bun got old and warn out. He was replaced with Bun number 2. Bun 2.0 was just as special as Bun the original. He went everywhere with me. I quickly rubbed down all of the fir on his arm and ear with my worrying. I continued to suck my thumb.

My parents were really worried that I would walk down the aisle sucking my thumb, so they decided that the only way I was going to break the habit was if I no longer had bun. My mom had been reading me the Velveteen Rabbit for years, and it was one of my favorite stories.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6s-XHuue6vM

Christmas of the year I turned five, my mom snuck Bun 2.0 from my bed. I woke up and was stressed that I couldn’t find my best friend. My mom told me to just come out to the living room to open presents and then she would help me find Bun. When I walked into the living room, I saw a pink cage with a small white rabbit in it. There was a note from Santa (that looked a lot like my mom’s handwriting now that I think about it) saying that since I loved Bun 2.0 so much, Santa was turning him into a real rabbit for me to love and take care of. I of course named him Bun.

He didn’t stay little for long. He was huge! I remember him sitting at the back door thumping his feet at coyotes and stray cats. I remember him chewing on everything. I bought him a pink leash and used to take him on walks in the backyard.

When my parents got divorced and we moved to a condo, Bun had free run of the house. He dug a hole in the small patio and found himself a cool place to lay. He ate the lining out of my mom’s golf bag and made himself a nest in the garage on really hot days. He spent a lot of time hiding in the garage. I used to go out and try to coax out of hiding. I remember holding him on my lap, and how annoyed Kelly got when I wanted him to sleep in our room (I guess 2 am calisthenics is not for everyone).

Bun lived a long time. When he was six years old, my mom found him in the garage. It might have been the heat, it might have been his age, but he went to the big alfalfa field in the sky. I wasn’t home when my mom found him, but I remember crying until I had the hiccups. I called my best friend Julia (Who is still a friend to this day) and left a sad message on her answering machine. A few years after my parents had replaced Bun 2.0, Socks, the family cat accidentally found his hiding place in my mom’s closet. I got to have Bun, and Bun 2.0. When Bun died, I pulled Bun 2.0 off the shelf and he slept in my bed for years after that.

When I moved to Merced to go to college, I left Bun at home. When my family came up to visit on parent’s weekend, my mom brought him with her and left him on my bed before they returned home. He moved with me to San Diego, and then back home before I went to Scotland. He stayed in the States, and now holds a place of honor on my dresser. Every now and then, when I am having a rough day, I pull him off the shelf and rub his ear and his arm to comfort myself.

27 years later, he is still my favorite toy.

The Scamp Completes her First Week

Posted on August 30, 2014 by erranteditor

I’ve finally completed my first week of teaching, and the first week of my second year of the doctoral program.

Teaching is great. I love my students. The first class I teach is at night, but they try to stifle their yawns, and they ask questions and engage with my lecture. The second class is a four hour once a week class, and although we have only met once, I have a feeling that I will get a lot of great work out of them. I like being in front of the class, and it has been awhile since I actually enjoyed my job. While I miss two of the women from the library, I do not miss the drama there. So far, teaching is a drama free environment. I can’t wait to really get into the teaching and the discussions with the students.

Being in the grad program has really changed the way that I view my students. I understand boring classes, and as someone who spends a lot of time looking at cat videos on the internet during the lectures, I have decided to be a little more relaxed about my phone and laptop policy. So far the students have respected it.

The second year of the program is off to a rough start. The results of the qualifying exam didn’t go well for a few people, and I do not like the way that it is being handled. If someone looked really closely at this program, I am not sure that it would be allowed to continue. It is clear that race plays a part in who gets to succeed int he program, and since I still have two years left, I am going to just bow my head and keep silent.

I didn’t do well keeping silent on the first day, but I will be trying a lot harder from now on. I have never been in a place where racism was so rampant and blatant, and people who claim to hate racial stereotypes and labels applied to them place so many labels and stereotypes on white people. It is very clear that if I was struggling in classes, or having a hard time with the program that I would be on my own to figure it out.

We have a new professor this semester, and when he wasn’t talking down to us, or telling us how he wrote Achieving the Dream, he spared a few seconds to ask us what we wanted to do with this degree. After each of the cohort members talked about their end game, he had some comment about how he had done it, or how he could make that happen for us. He was so arrogant and annoying. What was even more annoying was the plans for a lot of these people want to be deans and presidents of colleges, yet, they only want to help a certain group of students. These people are not going to work to make the educational system a better place. They are going to perpetuate the stereotypes and color focused system we have in place now.

But being on this soapbox gives me a headache, and it is a losing battle.

85 days until Thanksgiving vacation.

Thank the sweet baby Jesus I love my job.

If I didn’t need the fancy letters after my name to move overseas and start a life, I would have already quit the program and saved myself the aggravation.

The Scamp and a Wedding

Posted on August 18, 2014 by erranteditor

Yesterday I watched my college roommate get married.

After a 12 hour round trip drive, I am pretty much fried, so I will leave my corner of blogging heaven with these

This girl mailed me baklava to Scotland when I was depressed about David, sent me puppy videos when Brian dumped me, and let me snark with her at her own wedding. Despite not having physically seen each other since I graduated in 2009, it was like no time passed at all. The hug I got, and the little bit of one on one time was great. Next time I am shooting for a less formal reunion though. I felt honored that she let me share her special day with her and her new husband. I knew 5 years ago that they were going to get married, and I know that they are going to have babies that love the Dodgers and hate football. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for them.

Mazel you two crazy lovebirds!

I’ll get back to the regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow.

maybe.

The Scamp and a Visit from Estonia

Posted on August 11, 2014 by erranteditor

I have been really lazy the last few weeks. I survived summer school and the qualifying exam, and settled in for a couple weeks of doing nothing that related to education.

To start my celebrations, one of my best friends from Scotland came to visit me. She is currently living and working in Estonia, but was in the US visiting her mom, and I was able to get a few days with her. I hadn’t physically seen her in over a year, but picking her up at the airport was like no time had passed at all. It was a good chance to catch up, plan my trip to visit her in November, and be around someone who reminds me of Scotland.

I asked her what she wanted to do before she got here, but she just kept telling me it was up to me. I got to be a tourist for a few days, which worked out well for me because it reminded me that being here is not so bad.

We started the visit with a trip to LA to see some van Gogh and Kandinsky. I love art, and she wanted to be in LA, so it worked out well. After we hung out with some art, we went to the Union Square Market to try the best iced lattte in the world. It was good, but the authentic Mexican food was better.

van Gogh at his finist

I love PopArt

I got up close and personal with a Warhol. I can die happy.

This Kandinsky would look amazing on my wall

Vegan strawberry muffin of awesomeness and a fizzy ginger hopps tea.

The next day we hit the Huntington Beach to soak up some sun and eat some more tasty Mexican food. We met a nice group of baseball players from Oklahoma, and had avoided sunburns.

I got Sus to kiss Duke. He seemed to enjoy it.

The last day of our visit was spent at Disneyland. She hadn’t been since she was 8, and it was a nice chance for her to get to meet my sister. While we were waiting for the tram, we met a nice father/son combo from Glasgow, and I got 15 minutes of wonderful accents.

The visit was way too quick, but it will hold me over until I get to Europe in November. I had so much fun with her, and was so glad that my first bit of time off in two years was spent being a tourist with her.

The Scamp and the Circus

Posted on August 1, 2014 by erranteditor

Not much shows up when you google “circus yoga”. When my study buddy/friend suggested that we meet at the beach and do some circus yoga, I was not sure what to expect. The qualifying exam is tomorrow, and I knew I needed something to relax my brain and break away from study mode. As test approaches, I have been getting more and more anxious, and doubting myself more and more. The idea of trying something new, and hanging out with my study buddy outside of a school setting seemed like the best way to spend a Wednesday night.

Circus yoga did not disappoint. The instructor was this hippie surf chick with long blond hair and a warm warm welcome. She was amazing. Her name is Soyela (you can find her here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Soyela-Yoga/512636495491305). The way her class works is you do a mini yoga routine to stretch and limber up, and then you do acroyoga, hula hoop yoga, and yoga on a slack line (that last one is just as hard as it sounds). There were three of us from study group there, plus the sister and a friend of the girl that invited us. There were three other people who are regulars there, and everyone was super nice.

I felt great. It was nice to be out laughing on the beach hitting myself in the face with a hula hoop and learning to fly. What follows capture the night better than I can do in words.

Sisters learning to trust each other

Soyela teaches me to fly.

She teaches Lorena how to trust

We look good from any angle

Study buddy and I learn to trust the process

Not a bad way to end the day

3 fierce warriors take on Warrior III

I think circus yoga bonding night was a success!

The qualifying exam is tomorrow. The reference sheet is printed, the relaxation is happening, and I am about as ready as I can be. I have no choice but to pass because I do not want to have to take this test again.

Tomorrow, I will be a free woman.

The Scamp Encounters Self Doubt

Posted on July 30, 2014 by erranteditor

The day I have been dreading is fast approaching. I’ve been studying, outlining, practice testing, and talking it out with my study group. I’ve been telling myself everyday that I am going to pass if I put the right amount of time in. I’ve kinda been remembering to take some days off.

And now that the day is almost upon me, I am doubting my ability to succeed.

Two weeks ago I took a practice test. I answered a question about promoting diversity on campus. I outlined a plan that looked at diversity as more than just the color of your skin, and made a plan that would help students of any color, gender, age, socioeconomic status and the like succeed. I left the practice exam feeling good about myself.

I got the comments back from the grader, and all that changed. She all but called me a racist, and all but said that because I am white, I am in power and therefore do not notice that people of color suffer in higher education. She didn’t tell me I would pass the test if I had turned it in as a real response.

It was then that I was painfully reminded of the glaring (yet unmentioned) problem with the program I am in. They do not value diversity. I am one of the few white people in the program, and I might as well sit in the back silently with a sign around my neck that says “white devil”. The idea of diversity and equitable education in this program means that white people are bad and do not need to be included in the help that is provided for students struggling in college.

In this program, I am a racist. I don’t understand struggle because I am white and never had to work hard for anything.

This completely discounts the fact that I grew up in a single parent household with a mom that worked her fucking ass off so I had a roof over my head. Sure, I didn’t struggle, but it is only because she slaved away so we wouldn’t have to.

This does not take into account that I worked hard to get good grades so that I could qualify for scholarships because there was no way that my mom could afford to pay for three kids to go to college.

This does not take into account the countless scholarships I have been turned down for because I am white.

This also doesn’t take into account the three jobs that I consistently have so I can pay my tuition.

I feel like all of that makes me sound whiny. I hate sounding whiny.

What’s worse, is it makes me think that no matter what I do or what kind of educational leader I want to be, for the next two years I will constantly told I am wrong.

This program is killing my spirit.

All of this self doubt makes me regret the choice I made to come home. To get through this program I have to just give the professors they want to hear, and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. The only thing I am learning from this program is that it is shaping leaders who do not truly value diversity, and will only ever help a certain population of students. The only thing I am learning from this program is that I do not want to be a part of it.

If I did not have so much money invested already, and didn’t need the fancy letter after my name to get a good teaching job overseas, I would have already quit.

The self doubt is starting to affect my studying for the test. I am excited that the test is almost over and that one of my favorite people is about to land on my doorstep for a few days of pure California tourist fun.

Studying sucks, but it sucks a little less the closer I get to the test.

Qualifying exam is in three days…that means three days until FREEEEEEEDDDDDDDOOOMMMMM!

The Scamp Quits

Posted on July 26, 2014 by erranteditor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xezj7UxfgdI’

Today I quit my job.

It has been a long time coming (which is a bit sad since I have only been there a year), but the day finally arrived.

Today I quit my job in favor of a career.

My classes at the community college filled, and I will now make my living doing something I love instead of just something that allows me to barely scrape by and pay my bills.

I’m not really a quitter, so it feels strange to quit a job, but it served its purpose, and now I no longer have to put up with the Bitchy Bitty Brigade. I know that I won’t be there to see those women get their comeuppance, but I would like to think that the universe will right that environment soon enough.

The good news is: it is no longer my problem.

Summer school has finally finished. I survived mostly intact.

The qualifying exam is in 6 days. I wish I had done some more studying, but I think I will be able to pass.

Then I have the first two weeks I have had in almost two years.