The Scamp Prepares for Battle

Tomorrow I win the war.

Well, my version of war.

For the last two months I have been monitored at work. Three women have taken it upon themselves to try and shift the focus from their crappy work habits to my pretend crappy work habits. They have been asking about my movements and work patterns after I leave every day, and they emailed my boss asking her what my job was, and what duties I perform. The best part of that email was the woman who sent it called me “the page” and didn’t even use my name. She made it seem like I neglected my duties, and because of that email, I got pulled off my job to do a project for her (I should mention that I have no idea what she looks like, and she has never had a face-to-face conversation with me).

Two weeks ago, the three women were given an inventory project. That requires every book in the library to be taken off the shelf and scanned into the computer. The woman in charge of the project told me her work was a priority, and my work needed to be put on hold so that I could do inventory. She gave me the largest section of the library to do, and disregarded all my concerns for doing the job I was hired to do (not to mention her plan for the inventory is completely wrong and can be done in a much more efficient way).

Considering I three projects that will take me months to complete, I was not about to put them on hold because these three women want me to do their work. To win the first battle, I emailed the boss and asked her if I could divide my time because I was worried about the backlog of my own work (I also mentioned feeling undervalued and a lot like a trained monkey who had no purpose. I may have also mentioned that while the project was a priority for them, it was not my priority). The boss responded right away with a strongly worded email that she had yet to approve the project, and she would be the one making the assignments. She then sent an email to the three women, with the email I sent her attached to it.

Point one for me.

They countered with pleading for the extra help, so I have to stay on the project. The boss asked me to do it, so there is no chance for me to say no.

Point for them.

They were riding high on their victory, and decided to criticize the way that I am completing their project, and “nicely” offering to show me how to do it “correctly”. They then stepped up their efforts on monitoring my work habits, and have interrogated everyone that I come in contact with during the day. They also started discussing me with other staff as “the page”.

Point for them.

They are up two to one, and that is unacceptable. I only have 77 days left before I can quit and start teaching, and there is no way that I am going to lose this war. I thought about just letting it go and quietly defying them before telling them to fuck off.

Then I thought about how insulted I was that these three people thought they could bully me and get away with it. I emailed the boss again and used words like “hostile work environment” and “they think I work for them” and my favorite, “What did I do to make everyone think I was a bad employee?” I also mentioned that I was upset that a woman who shows up late and leaves early from work gets to monitor my comings and goings when I have yet to miss a day or show up late. I told her I was worried that the inventory job was going to create more work for me since they were not putting the books back correctly or neatly (okay, I may have overstated that one a bit as only three or four books were out of place, but hey, I needed it). That one really got the bosses attention. She personally sought me out and spent a good portion of time with me going over the problems I am having with these three, and what she was going to do about it.

Tomorrow, they are getting their performance evaluations. Tomorrow, they will find out that they are not in charge of me, and are now in very tight leashes with the boss. I only have to finish the small section of inventory I was assigned (and may do so in whatever style works best for me) and then I can go back to my work. The boss also told me who to go to in the union to keep myself protected from these women should they get extra bitchy, and told me when to go to human resources and file a formal complaint so she has something on record to go off of when she reprimands them. They will no longer be able to bully people and get away with neglecting their jobs.

And that my friends, is how you win the war.

 

The Scamp is a Caged Bird

Sympathy

BY PAUL LAURENCE DUNBAR

I know what the caged bird feels, alas!
When the sun is bright on the upland slopes;
When the wind stirs soft through the springing grass,
And the river flows like a stream of glass;
When the first bird sings and the first bud opes,
And the faint perfume from its chalice steals—
I know what the caged bird feels!
I know why the caged bird beats his wing
 Till its blood is red on the cruel bars;
For he must fly back to his perch and cling
When he fain would be on the bough a-swing;
And a pain still throbs in the old, old scars
And they pulse again with a keener sting—
I know why he beats his wing!
I know why the caged bird sings, ah me,
When his wing is bruised and his bosom sore,—
When he beats his bars and he would be free;
It is not a carol of joy or glee,
But a prayer that he sends from his heart’s deep core,
But a plea, that upward to Heaven he flings—
I know why the caged bird sings!

A Scamp in the Waiting Room

I spent a good portion of my day today in the waiting room of the health center on campus. I had two appointments today. The waiting room was empty for the first appointment, which suited me just fine and allowed me to read a few pages of a detective novel I have been trying to get through. The second time I entered the waiting room, there was a girl there waiting for her own appointment. She was super chatty, kinda strange, and wanted to be super fast friends. She told me all about her boss’s bad driving record, told me about her grad school plans, and told me about the types of books she likes to read.

These are the books. This article came from cracked.com

10 Real Book Covers From Dinosaur-On-Human Sex Novels

As these things happen, it’s come to the planet’s attention that a pair of Texas college students has been self-publishing a not-unsuccessful series of dinosaur-on-girl porno novellas on Amazon.

Given that the Internet requires elaborate sex fantasies involving The Price Is Right and the Muppets to even maintain an erection, dino porn seems quasi-puritanical. But these books sport outright hilarious art, which juxtaposes a blase stock photo model with a confused CG dinosaur. Here are the 10 best covers.

#10. Running from the Raptor

Amazon

Key Blurb: “Instead of the tearing her to bits, the raptor begins to nuzzle at her nether regions.”

It’s a fair assumption that the authors blessed these dinos with big ol’ mammalian Fabio dongs. If we’re being evolutionarily sound, the happy raptor up there will likely end up unceremoniously dumping a cloaca full of sperm all over that gal and pass out a good 90 seconds before his cave-stereo hits the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight.”

#9. Taken by the Pterodactyl

Amazon

Key Blurb: “Dianne is a shepherd, watching over flock of sheep.”

CONSUMER ALERT: Taxonomically speaking, pterosaurs weren’t dinosaurs, so anybody expecting dinosaur porn when they purchased this book WILL NOT be able to get off. We repeat: DO NOT buy this book if you want to masturbate to a story about a dinosaur fucking a shepherd. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN.

#8. Mating With the Raptor

Amazon

Key Blurb: “Marga was the Protectress, the city’s leader, charged with defending it against dinosaur attacks.”

Everybody assumes that these books are by random perverts, but one of these days the camera’s going to pull back and we’re going to see, like, Kofi Annan, hunched over a typewriter with an impish twinkle in his eye.

#7. The Balaur’s Delight

Amazon

Key Blurb: “At first Carla hates being violated by the ancient beast, but after a while she begins to enjoy it.”

Why doesn’t anybody spin erotic yarns about all the nice extinct creatures, like I Was Plugged by a Respectful Dodo or A Steller’s Sea Cow Fondled My Jugs With True Emotion?

#6. Ravaged by the Raptor

Amazon

Key Blurb: “The beautiful, buxom girl must now tend the farm like the rest of her family, feeding the animals, tending the crops, and protecting their land from hungry predators, like foxes, wolves, and the occasional dinosaur.”

Look, if you’re going to illustrate a macrocephalic velociraptor plowing a busty farmhand, respect the reader and set that shit amidst the waving wheat that sure smells sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain. A locker room just seems so WRONG.

#5. In the Velociraptor’s Nest

Amazon

Key Blurb: “Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave.”

Wait a minute, that’s the same guy from Running from the Raptor! Is this a sequel? Did he meet these girls at the swinger’s bar on Noah’s Ark? Was there ever a porno parody of Theodore Rex? (If not, everybody tell Cracked majordomo Jack O’Brien we must reroute 90 percent of our site’s operating budget toward such.)

#4. Taken by the T-Rex

Amazon

Key Blurb: “When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.”

Judging from that tyrannosaurus’ expression, he’s not euphemistically “interested” — he’s legit aghast that his dinner’s on the cusp of climaxing. His eyes scream, “Look, lady, I know my fossil record, and I am sooo fucking uncomfortable right now.”

#3. Taken at the Dinosaur Museum

Amazon

Key Blurb: “The job market was tough, and it couldn’t have been tougher than it was on Kate. She’d been looking forever for a new job, but she couldn’t find one. As she was reading through the paper one day, she came across an ad for a museum looking for a night watchperson. She gets the job and finds herself as a night guard, working for a dinosaur natural history museum. Things there are normal and quiet … until all of the dinosaurs come alive!”

According to Amazon, this is a 5,050-word story. We hope 5,041 of those words describe her travails with unemployment in breathless detail and the final nine words are “The dinosaurs came alive. Everybody did sex. The end.”

#2. Ravished by the Triceratops

Amazon

Key Blurb: “Horrified and aroused by the horned giant, Beliria must find a way to control the situation.”

“When we wrote Ravished by the Triceratops, sure, we depicted a full-sized Cretaceous herbivore. But when it came time to design the cover, we thought about how sensual it would be to get worked over by those pygmy dinosaurs from the 1992 straight-to-VHS classic Prehysteria! and we just plum forgot ourselves.”

#1. T-Rex Troubles

Amazon

Key Blurb: “A very special T-Rex is hunting her — this T-Rex has psychic powers.”

Well, that’s it. The written word has peaked. Time to shut down this whole “literature” thing. Please burn down your local library on the way out the door.


The last line of this article sums it up. This is real. They can publish and sell this, yet I can;t get my dissertation published.

That’s it, I quit. Society is officially fucked. 

This is also the last time I strike up a conversation with someone in the waiting room at the health center. 

 

A Scampaversary

Today marks one year that I have been back in the States.

12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

Not that I am counting.

I actually cannot believe that it has been a year already. That means I have completed my dissertation. That means that I have graduated from the University of Edinburgh. That means I went back to Scotland to attend my graduation.That means that I am about 1/3 of the way done with my doctoral program. That means I am getting ready to take the qualifying exam to stay in the program. That means I am about to kiss my summer goodbye.

That means I have spent 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds missing Scotland.

One year later and I am still grieving the loss my life there. I miss the people, I miss the adventure, I miss the friends that I made there.

In one of the first classes I took at the University of Edinburgh we read an article about reverse culture shock. “Reverse culture shock is experienced when returning to a place that one expects to be home but actually is no longer, is far more subtle, and therefore, more difficult to manage than outbound shock precisely because it is unexpected and unanticipated,” says Dean Foster, founder and president of DFA Intercultural Global Solutions, a firm that provides intercultural training and coaching worldwide.   

I read the article, participated in the discussion for the class, and didn’t give reverse culture shock another thought.

Smash cut to a month ago when I finally figured out everything that was making me unhappy here.

I miss Scotland. I left my heart there, and despite the “on paper” appearance of everything being great here, all that I really did was put off actually dealing with being back in California. I came home and jumped into my dissertation. When that was completed, I started the doctoral program. After the first semester in the program, I picked up a third job. Somewhere in all of that, I also tried to find happiness with a boy. In short, I did everything but try to adjust to what life is now like for me here.

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In short, it sucks. I don’t fit in here. I will always be a California kid, but I no longer want to be a California adult. I make no secret of telling people that I plan to go back overseas the minute I can, and I am not kidding. Since I cannot pack up and leave tomorrow, I will console myself with trips overseas to see my friends when I can, and work as hard as I can right now to make myself a really good Kim for my next overseas adventure.

I will graduate in exactly 2 years from today. That is 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. 17,531 hours.

Not that I am counting.

The good thing is, I can, and plan to, get a lot done in that time.

The Scamp and Pragmatism

prag·ma·tism

 noun \ˈprag-mə-ˌti-zəm\

: a reasonable and logical way of doing things or of thinking about problems that is based on dealing with specific situations instead of on ideas and theories (Merriam-Webster.com/pragmatism)

Today I started studying for the qualifying exam that I will have to take in August. I’m 100% sure that I will pass the exam if I properly prepare. To do this, I have to pick at least 4 philosophies to know forwards and backwards, have an extensive knowledge of organizational leadership frames (hello class I slept through this semester), and be able to reference history and important legislation.

Easy peasy. right?

Today I started outlining the first of the 4 philosophies. I’ve picked ones that I can relate to each other, and ones that closely align with the organizational leadership styles that we have to use so that all of my answers fit together like a nice little jigsaw puzzle. I’m not sure why I decided to start with pragmatism other than the fact that it lends itself well to some of the leadership theories we discussed this semester and I love to pretend that I am logical in my thoughts and actions. I like to think that if I am logical about what needs to be studied, and how I go about making sure all of the info stays in my brain, then I will pass.

It should work, right?

I’ve realized that studying on my own is never going to work. I’ve made plans to meet with a study group, but might have to find a way to work in more than one. I realize that  right now, I am too easily  distracted by my messy emotional state. I do not want to fail this test. I do not want to have to take it again.

In the meantime, I am going to chain myself to my desk and outlining, drafting, and crafting responses to any question or scenario that might get thrown at me in a few months.

Today I even got the perfect present for studying.

The Scamp and the Travel Bug

berry-break-302

This summer there is an alumni event for the University of Edinburgh in Toronto. I am not Canadian, and the three days of Canadian alumni themed lectures and activities. There is no reason for me to go. I’d have to take two days off of work, miss one of the summer school classes, and would lose a day or two of studying for the qualifying exam.

There is also the small detail of paying for a plane ticket.

So why I am thinking about going? Seriously, seriously considering it. One of my good friends lives in Toronto and would be down for a visit, I’ve never been to Canada, and I am feeling restless here. This weekend will mark my one year anniversary of being back in the States, and I have yet to really readjust to the life I have here.

So while I should be studying for my last final of the semester, I am looking up flights to Toronto and trying to figure out if I can really afford the trip both monetarily and in terms of time.

 

The Scamp Perseveres

“You must read, you must persevere, you must sit up nights, you must inquire, and exert the utmost power of your mind. If one way does not lead to the desired meaning, take another; if obstacles arise, then still another; until, if your strength holds out, you will find that clear which at first looked dark.”
― Giovanni Boccaccio

The Scamp and a Pirate Rubber Chicken

I’m jealous of a dog toy.

Not just any dog toy. I am jealous of a Pirate Rubber chicken. Most people know of his adventures (and if not, you can find it here: https://ascampabroad.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/the-scamp-and-a-rubber-pirate-chicken/). I am jealous because PRC gets to travel the world, visiting places I want to visit and spending time with people that I miss.

He was with me in Scotland, and then went back at my graduation.

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When I left Scotland, PRC went to Lyon, France with one of my favorite people. She took him all over her home, and treated him to a very happy Christmas

 

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From Lyon, he made his way to Talin, Estonia. He had the pleasure of staying with another of my favorite people from Scotland. She is on a teaching assignment there. After a few days in the cold he made his way to Malta and then to visit Mt. Etna. He certainly got to see some nice places (and make some new friends) on that leg of his journey.

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PRC likes warm weather though, so from Estonia, he moved on to Berowa, Australia. I have had a deep love affair with Australia since I was younger, and it just so happens that I was lucky enough to meet a lovely family who lives there when I was in Ireland two years ago. The head of the house is a wonderful man with an amazing sense of humor. He agreed to host Chicken for awhile.

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From there, PRC made his way to his current lodgings in Canterbury. He is going to have great fun learning maths, and hanging out with one of my favorite Irishman. It looks like he is already having a good time.

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I know it seems silly to be jealous of a toy, but it is not really that he gets to travel (although that is what I would love to be doing), but it is the fact that he gets to visit all of these people that I love and miss. When he made it to England, my trusty Irishman said that having Chicken made him miss me all that much more.

The feeling is mutual. I miss each and every person that Chicken has visited. I love that my friends have been so willing to take him and take funny pictures of him in their travels. My goal is to visit all of the places that the chicken has been and reunite with all of the amazing people that have been part of his journey.

If anyone would like to host chicken, feel free to send me your address and I will send him for a visit. If you would like to follow his travels, you can like his page and follow him here: https://www.facebook.com/piraterubberchicken4