PhD Craze

The Scamp Starts a New Challenge

Posted on by erranteditor

In 2015 I did 52 weeks of gratitude to help ease my depression. I did not always meet the goal of one post a week, but I completed all 52 posts, and I think that there were weeks where the posts really did help me stay out of the dark and twisty.

I have decided that because on my own I am not always motivated to sit down and do some writing I will spend the year completing another challenge. Consider this week one.

This challenge is not necessarily focused on the things that I am grateful for, but it is just some prompts to get me writing in between my fun adventures as an expat….not that there have been that many adventures in the first four days of the new year.

Back to the point.

The first post of the new challenge is to write an introduction. If there is one thing that I am good at, it is talking about myself.

Here goes….

Let’s start with the basics: My name is Kimberly, but people only call me that when I am in trouble. Most people call me Kim. Those in my inner circle call me Bito or Kimbo, and I have recently acquired the nicknames Kimkwat and Bubble. I’m of average height on a good day, and next to my 6’5 manpanion, I am downright tiny. The biggest thing on my body is my mouth, but my eyes come in a close second because my eyesight is complete shite and my glasses are like magnifying glasses. I keep my hair long, and when I spend enough time in the sun, all of my freckles come out to play.

It has taken me ten years (and a lot of therapy), but I have finally come to accept my status as a gypsy soul. I have an unquenchable wanderlust, and while it usually takes the form of packing up my things and moving to a new city every four years, I think I have finally found a place to put some semi permanent roots in Scotland. This is probably the only place I have ever felt at home. Even on my worst days here, I see the lush countryside, get a view of the castle, or go for a walk around the canal by my flat and my little grinch heart grows a little. My favorite possession is my passport, and I cannot understand people who have no desire to travel and see the world.

I have Lupus. It really isn’t something to brag about, it isn’t even something I really like to talk about, but it is a tiny part of who I am. I take about 8 medications during the day to keep me going, but on the whole, I’d say I am making it work. I get into some real tired funks, and lord help me when I am stressed, but on the whole, I’d say Lupus hasn’t kept me from anything. In addition to the Lupus, I have depression. I get deep in the dark and twisty sometimes, and therapy, yoga, and antidepressants have been a lifesaver…literally. I hate it when people tell me that being depressed is a choice, or that I don’t seem like someone who would be depressed. I fully recognize that I have a pretty charmed life, and that there is a lot of good surrounding me, and trust me, if I didn’t have to feel this way, I wouldn’t it. Unfortunately it has an effect on my relationships, my work, and sometimes my ability to get out of bed. I’m working really hard to keep it at bay, and I am lucky that I have a support system that helps me when it gets bad.

I worry about everything. Overthinking is my national passtime, and I if stressing was exercise I’d be the thinnest person I know.

I enjoy writing. I have an MA in writing, worked as a college professor, and actually like spending time with my blog. If I thought I could make money as a writer, I would be an author and write everything and anything….except poetry. No one needs to read my poetry.

I want a puppy more than most women my age want a husband and kids. I suck at relationships. I get attached quickly, I have unrealistic expectations, and I can’t always communicate my feelings in a form other than sarcasm and sass. A dog doesn’t care about that. Dogs walk off leash here, and I love it when I have the chance to get slobbered on by one. I want one of my own to come home to and take walks with. That is better than a baby or a boyfriend any day (and I know that I am in a relationship thing at present, but I’m not feeling like I’m doing so well in that department, and I think I would be a killer dog trainer). I also want a penguin, kitty, baby goat, and an otter. Basically I want a zoo.

No matter how many times it bites me in the ass, I am a very reactionary person. I’m working on fixing that….it is a slow process.

I’m obsessed with yoga. I want to get my certification so I can be a teacher and teach yoga. It isn’t huge here, but there are people that do it, and I think I could make it a thing.

I’ve got big plans for my life. Everytime I think I have it figured out, something goes haywire and I find a new trail, but this time I think I finally know the direction I need to head in.All  I need now is a British guy to marry me and I could put my plans into motion.

 

2015 in review

Posted on by erranteditor

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 4,600 times in 2015. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 4 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 52

Posted on by erranteditor

There are only two days left in 2015 and I have come to the end of the gratitude challenge. Week 52 is dedicated to reflection on the last year.

Did the challenge change me?

I’d really like to say yes. I’d like to say that I am now a more open and grateful person, and that the dark and twisty days are few and far between. The thing is though, I don’t feel any different. I feel like the same old me I was this time last year. I’m still in the grips of depression, still get moments of the dark and twisty, and more often than not, I would not focus on the good in my life until I sat down to write my weekly post as part of the challenge.

While the challenge made not have changed me, it certainly did save me. This time last year I was scheduling meetings with academic departments and people way above my paygrade to hear my fate in the EdD programme. I knew that I was going to get the boot, and I knew that my dream of earning a doctorate in the United States was over. I was feeling lower than low and had no idea what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I was broken. My mother would pretend to need help with errands and chores to make sure that I got out of bed, and she would text me several times throughout the day to make sure I was still alive (to be fair, even in my deepest dark and twisty, I never reached that point). I went nowhere and saw no one. I celebrated the new year with the wombmate and her friends, but I felt out of place and awkward.

Taking some time each week to remind myself that there was still good in my world, that there were at least 52 things to be grateful for (and in this case, I was able to make a list of 100) was a great break from the dark and twisty. It was fairly easy to think about what memory, person, place, or thing fit the criteria for the challenge, and for an hour or so a week, I was solely focused on the positive. I know that I started more than one post of the challenge by saying that I needed the post to help get me out of my funk.

2015 was not my year. Not my year at all. Yes, there was some really great things that came from it, I am currently in my own flat, in Scotland. I am relatively healthy, I have a job that I like and a job that provides a little extra cash, and people around me that love and care about me, but on the whole, 2015 was a shit year.

I’m happy to be rid of it. It is too early to say what 2016 will be like, but I am guessing that it will be a whole lot more exciting.

 

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 50

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m a week behind….as usual. The reason I’m only going to play catch-up for this post is that Week 51 is 100 things I am grateful for, and right now, I am having a hard time focusing on one thing.

So, week 50. I’m almost done with the challenge. This is the week that is dedicated to lessons that I have learned in the last year.

What haven’t I learned in the last year? This time last year I was in a meeting at Cal State Fullerton being told that the reason I was not successful in the programme was because I had a bad attitude, and I was forced to come to the realization that incorrectly cited parts of my paper were going to be the straw that broke the camel’s back on what was a horrible two years. I was beyond depressed, I was lonely, I had no money, and I was seriously at a loss for where my life was headed.

Today I woke up in Scotland. While the last couple of weeks have been rough in terms of my depression and anxiety, I am the happiest I have been in years. I’m working on my PhD, I’ve made some new friends and reconnected with some old ones, and have settled into a very very good life. I’m even dating (I promise I did not make him up). Life is not even close to perfect, but it is getting there.

So, what have  I learned this year?

I learned the power of family. My family never once wavered with their support when I was battling the programme, and then when I applied for the job here and decided that I was never going back to the United States. My sister in snark offered me advice and puppy love, and my favoruite Russian gave up her time to be my lawyer and try to minimize the damage done to me personally and professionally. My mom and brother got on a plane to come spend a week with me, and my sister sends me care packages and drops everything on the weekends to Skype with me and tell me that the world is not going to end for me anytime soon.

I learned that even on my lowest days, I have a lot to be grateful for. I started this challenge because things were starting to get bad in the programme and I wanted to try and keep myself from falling into the dark and twisty that was my usual MO. Every week I got to remind myself of something that I liked, someone that inspired me, or somewhere that I have had been lucky enough to visit. Even if it was little things like my favourite type of music, or my favourite type of food, it reminded me of things that I enjoy, and allowed me some distance from the things that I didn’t.

I learned the power of being myself. I’m a flamingo in a flock of pigeons, and every day I am a little more proud of that. I’m a nerd. I like books, I like cat videos, puppies, chocolate, and watching horror movies. I overthink everything, I’m awkward, and I am a true gypsy soul. I believe that store brand American peanut butter tastes better than almost anything else, and a quesadilla will solve all of my problems. I like to shop when I am sad. I am sarcastic, sometimes even when I don’t mean to be. I don’t understand dating. Some people get me, most people don’t….and that is okay (okay, I say okay, but what I really mean is, I want everyone to like me)

I learned that my slow cooking skills need a lot of work. Life goal for the new year: Learn how to use the slow cooker properly.

I learned that all the medication in the world is not going to make me feel as good as fresh air and yoga does. I have not done yoga properly in a month, and I can really feel it. I’m lacking some motivation, but I am hoping that someone can kick my butt into getting it done and staying on a schedule. The weather might be too cold for me to enjoy the fresh air, but my new yoga mat has barely been used, and that is a shame. I need to fix that. Like right now. In fact, I am going to put this on hold and do some yoga.

I learned that I can survive just about anything. Anyone who reads through the last year of posts will know how much I have done, and how there were only a few times that I really wanted to give up. Eventually though all roads led to Edinburgh, and I am a happy happy girl. Now I just have to survive until February when I can go home and get some sunshine and some more of my shoes.

The shoes. They are important. My goal now is to make my list of 100 things I am grateful for before Saturday so that I actually complete the challenge for the week in which it is intended.

 

The Scamp’s First Hanukkah in Scotland

Posted on by erranteditor

I may have to marry Stuart the FedEx guy. Today he brought me a box with my menorah in it. I forgot to have my mom bring it with her when she came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and I was worried that this would be the first year that I did not light candles.

My mother came to the rescue though. She sent it with a box of presents, and it arrived today, night three of Hanukkah.

So what is Hanukkah, you ask? Well, here is the BBC’s short and sweet version. The festival reminds Jews of a time over 2500 years ago when the Jews won a battle against the Greeks to practice their religion freely. The Greeks had banned all Jewish rituals. To celebrate, an oil lamp was lit in a Jewish temple. There was only enough oil to burn for one day – but miraculously it burned for eight days.

This is why the Hanukkah festival lasts for eight days and why light is really important in the celebration. With that in mind, not having my menorah with me was devastating. The first two days when the sun was setting I improvised with pictures from the internet. There is a very very very small number of Jewish people in Scotland, so it is not like I could just go out and buy another one.

But that’s what you do on an adventure; you improvise.

After I got the box I set out on a quest to find candles that fit my menorah. Let me tell you, it was actually easier than I thought it would be. I went to the grocery store first, assuming that they might have something. I took the menorah with me and looked really really really silly in the store trying to see if the selection of candles they had would fit the menorah. None of the traditional candles would work, and the birthday cake candles they had were way too skinny. I moved on to the PoundLand, and as luck would have it, the birthday candles they sell are just the right size!

I loved it. I’m sure I got a lot of funny looks while I was going about this whole process, but I am happy for that little bit of comfort and little bit of tradition that I get to keep here. I know that in a few years I will be smart enough to order candles off the internet and I will laugh at the way I had to piece together my first Hanukkah. I was going to try and make latkas, but I am still a little too traumatized from the slow cooker the other night.

I think that is something for night 8 when I have fully recovered.

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The Scamp is a Slow Cooker

Posted on by erranteditor

Betty Crocker I am not. Since the weather has been cold and stormy here lately, I thought that it would be wise for me to buy a slow cooker so that I could make soups and other warm treats to get myself through winter. During Black Friday I bought a nice little Crock Pot and a book of 200 recipes using the slow cooker. I was super jazzed about it. My mom is a slow cooking queen, and I have been having dreams about her homemade chicken noodle soup.

Instead of making chicken noodle soup (which is something that I know how to do) I thought I would make pot roasted chicken with veggies and potatoes. The boy was on night shift this week, so I thought something warm and hearty would be good, and help carry him through his shift. I’ve cooked dinner for him before, and it turned out just fine, so I really thought I had this in the bag.

Boy was I wrong.

So, this is what the meal was supposed to look like:

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It just had to simmer for 5 hours with the veggies, some chicken broth, herbs and lemons. Easy. Really easy.

Here is what it looked like at the start:

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This what it looked like at the end, and I was so grossed out, I couldn’t even serve it. I tasted some of the meat, it was tender and cooked all the way through, but then it was bland, and much of it was soggy and gross. The potatoes were over cooked, and the other veg was soggy.

Major fail on my part. I may actually puke just from the reminder.

The boy was a good sport. He did eat one bite and tell me it tasted good, but then we called for Chinese, walked next door to pick it up, and laughed our way through the meal. I was proper sad about my lack of skills for a bit, and did a bit of moping, but he was really nice about it all, and even now, a few hours later, as I munch on cold spring rolls and prawn crackers, I am laughing to myself at how bad it turned out. I’m also really glad that I have leftovers for tomorrow….as well as loads of dishes.

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So I learned a valuable lesson today. Just because I own a slow cooker and a cookbook doesn’t mean I can make 5 star meals. All well. One down, 199 recipes to go. Next up: chili black bean stew.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 47-49

Posted on by erranteditor

Week 49. Wow. I cannot believe it has been 49 weeks since I started the challenge. I can believe, however, that I am once again several posts behind on the challenge. For the last couple of weeks I have been battling some mad hibernation instincts, visiting with my family, and generally neglecting all things related to writing, academic and otherwise. The visit from my mom and brother did a lot to re-energize me, but now I am at the point where I have to make up for lost time.

Although, with the rain, wind, and temperature currently sitting at about 2C (36F) all I really want to do is get in bed with my book and Lambchop my hotwater bottle and call it a day.

But I digress.

Week 47 was dedicated to opportunities that I have been given. I know that I should be thinking more deeply about things like this, but honestly, I have been given a lot of amazing opportunities, and I am having a hard time thinking of just one major one that I am grateful for. Something a little on the shallow and cheesy side that I am grateful for is the role of babysitter to a little French Bulldog called Skyler. Skyler belongs to my neighbors. They are a lovely couple who unfortunately gets stuck signing for my packages when I am at work. While this may seem like a very very silly opportunity to be grateful for, it really isn’t. The one thing I want more than anything (well, not more than to pay off all of my debits and make enough money to not cry a little every time I look at my bank statement) is to own a Frenchie. I created an Instagram simply for the reason of following Frenchies. I want a puppy friend the way most people my age want a baby. I see people with their dogs all over the city, and while some let me pet their little fir babies, strangers usually don’t like it when you hug their dogs. I am not really in the position for a dog at the moment, so acting as a babysitter to this little love bug is like the next best thing. When I told my neighbor that I had my Odie who I miss a lot, she cooed at Skyler that she would have to be a cat for a day and provide some comfort….I am 100% okay with that.

Week 48 is dedicated to my job.

Well, this is an easy one. I am grateful for my job because it literally saved my life. I saw the posting for the position when things went south at CSUF and I had slid into the dark and twisty big time. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, had very few people in my life that I considered friends, and worried that I would never feel good about myself again. This job allowed me to move back to Scotland, the one and only place I have ever felt at home. This job allowed me to meet some incredible people, and be in the same place with some already amazing friends. This job is allowing me to test my patience playing the political game, spend my days doing research, and writing….all kinds of writing. A year ago I was a mess. Today, I am the happiest I have been in years. I know that this job is a big part of the reason why. It also doesn’t hurt that I will actually be Dr. Kimbo when my contract is up.

Week 49 is dedicated to what I like about winter.

When it is over. That is my favorite part of winter.

For real. I am not a fan of winter.

 

The Scamp and Thanksgiving

Posted on by erranteditor

Last night was the first time I celebrated Thanksgiving in three years. Usually I spend this time escaping the US and visiting new places. Last year I was in Estonia, and one of my best friends made me a feast of yummy food as well as provided me with a week of fun and adventure. The year before that I was graduating from the University of Edinburgh and enjoying my time in Scotland with my mom and sister. I spent the holiday meant to be all about giving thanks in places and with people that make me feel really thankful.

This year I was lucky enough to have my mom and brother visiting me in Scotland for Thanksgiving. My brother has never been here, so I had an amazing time showing him around all of my favorite places, and going to see things that I had never seen before. I decided that this year I would celebrate Thanksgiving with all of the new friends that I made. Most of them had never celebrated Thanksgiving before, and I had never made a complete dinner by myself, so I decided that it was a good chance for my mom to meet my friends, and to actually use my little kitchen to create a meal.

For my first attempt at a Thanksgiving dinner, it could not have gone any better. I was about two hours later than I thought I would be in terms of serving dinner, but the turkeys looked good, the potatoes, green beans, and stuffing were incredible, and the gravy was able to be saved (thanks Errol), and even though I really did not have a chance to sit and hang out with everyone, given all the laughter I heard, I think that everyone had a good time. I was so glad that my friends got to meet my mom and my brother (I wish the wombmate could have been here) since they are some of my favorite people, and I am glad that my mom got to see that I am surrounded by an amazing group of people.

I know that Thanksgiving is a time for people to think about what they are thankful for, and this is going to sound really strange given that for the last two years I have been writing about how miserable CSUF made me, but I am really thankful for that horrible horrible program. If it was not for that program, I would not have applied for the program here, and would not be back in the one place in the world that I feel at home. If all of that stuff hadn’t have happened, I would be graduating in a few months, but I would be miserable. Being Scotland would not even be on my radar. I’d be depressed, alone, and unhappy for sure. While there are things I miss, okay, really just my family and a few of my friends that I consider family, I wouldn’t trade any of that for where I am now. I’m grateful that the shitshow of a program led me to a program that I love, a job that I enjoy, and people that I love to be around.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 46

Posted on by erranteditor

The weather is turning cold here in lovely lovely Edinburgh. It is currently 10C (50 F) and rainy. The sun is setting earlier, and the leaves are disappearing. It is the type of weather that makes me want to curl up under blankets, drink hot chocolate, and watch Disney movies. I’m not smart enough to figure out if the heating in my place actually works, and for the moment it makes focusing on my work a bit hard. I spent all last week pouting about the way my job is going, and unfortunately that has put me behind in my work for the PhD. I have a friend who made a schedule, worked diligently every day was able to stay on a strict timeline. I have the best intention to do that, and somehow I never quite make it. I have things to do, but all I can think about is the fact that I am not really making progress in my work beside reading literature. I have a conceptual paper that needs to be written, but I feel like what I have written so far is not good enough to meet the standards of the PhD. I have academic writing PTSD and I am not sure how to get past it. I’ve been trying to just write for ten minutes a day, but even most of that is just complete and utter pish. I need a drill instructor to yell at me whenever I stop working, or fail to open a word doc.

Something that has been helping me is technology, which happens to be the focus of the gratitude challenge this week. Thanks to technology, I am able to Skype with my friends and family in the States, and just those little bits of time with them make me laugh and feel better on an off day. Technology is allowing me to stay current with the wombmate’s pregnancy, and will allow me to be present at the birth if I cannot make it back to the States in time. I can send photos, emails, and see people face-to-face thanks to technology. It is one of the reasons that my move here was pretty easy. Instead of having to wait a week to send a letter through the post, or make a phone call once a month because it is expensive to call international, I can get an almost immediate response to text, email, or picture message. This week I went to the National Museum of Scotland and wandered through the exhibit on Victorian photographs. It was really interesting to see the way that photography was done in that era, and how it has changed over time.

While the technological advancement was interesting and the photographs on display were amazing, it was fun to get dressed up and go to the museum after hours to see the exhibit, and then stay for a Victorian themed party. The people watching was incredible, the music was interesting, and the drinks were tasty. It was a fantastic date with an even more fantastic man, and one of those fun, non-touristy things to do in Edinburgh.

Perhaps the best thing about technology to me right now is the fact that in less than a week my mom and brother will be getting on a plane to come see me. They will be here for American Thanksgiving, and it has been almost five months since we have been in the same timezone, and I cannot wait to see them. It is my brother’s first time in Scotland, and I cannot wait to show him all of my favorite places.