PhD Craze | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 44 and 45

Posted on November 6, 2015 by erranteditor

Today I did something that I very rarely do: I called in sick to work and refused to leave my bed…well, sorta. I made a trip to the post office to get some packages, but that took about ten minutes. Then it was back to bed with my laptop, water, and candy corn. I’m tired. It might be a precursor to getting sick, it might be the start of a down cycle, or it might just be that I have been juggling way too much this week and after a little mindfullness, I decided to take the day off. I’m feeling so good about that choice that I might just take tomorrow off as well.

The day off has given me a chance to catch up on the gratitude challenge. You would think by week 45 I would have gotten better at completing them on the week that they are meant to correspond with, but in true Kim form, I am always a step or two behind.

Week 44 is my favorite holiday. This one is easy, and quickly approaching. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I don’t like it in the “let’s celebrate the fact that British settlers left their home, went to the new world and then killed all the Indians,” but more in the “I get to hang out with my family” kind of way. Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love eating turkey and mashed potatoes, eating way too much dessert, watching football, and hanging out with the family unit. Thanksgiving at the Wilder-Davis house of Chaos includes liberal use of the word “fuck,” inappropriate dinnertime conversations, and singing off key to songs while doing the dishes. It is also my favorite holiday because for the last two years I have used the break at Thanksgiving to get away from the U.S. The first year it was to return here to Scotland to attend graduation, and last year it was to visit Estonia, Latvia, and Finland. Thanksgiving gave me something to look forward to while I was at CSUF. It offered me a light at the end of a really shitty tunnel. This year my mom and brother will be here for Thanksgiving. My brother has never been here, so I am excited to show him around and for him to experience my home. 2 weeks from now I will be reunited with a little bit of family.

I can’t wait.

This week is dedicated to what I do for fun.

What is fun again?

There are a lot things that I do for fun. I like to hang out with my friends, listen to music, read romance novels, and spend time outside. I like to travel, and I like to have silly Skype dates with my family. I like gossiping, and shit talking with my sister, and taking ridiculous photos of PRC in touristy places. Lately I have been having a lot of fun spending time with a boy watching David Attenborough’s The Life of Mammals. Overall, since I moved back to Scotland I have been having a lot more fun with the everyday little things. It is hard to believe that the challenge, and the year will be over in just seven short weeks. There are a lot of interesting things happening in the next few weeks, and this is the first time that I will not be home for Christmas, so I am both excited and nervous for the things to come.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 43

Posted on November 4, 2015 by erranteditor

Today is a good day to focus on gratitude. I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed the last week or so. I’m trying to balance work and school with a social life, trying not to miss my family, and trying to sort out my world view. While I have the world view just about sorted, the rest of it is still up in the air.

That is not the reason that I choose to focus on gratitude right now. Today there was a stabbing at UC Merced. I do not know much of what happened other than several students were attacked, and the campus police shot and killed the man responsible. I My heart hurts for the people there, and I am incredibly saddened that a place that I felt so safe at has been violated in such a way. I owe a lot to UCM. They offered me a killer financial aid package that allowed me to gradate just about debt free, and being at a new school afforded me opportunities that not many people get to enjoy. It was at UCM that I discovered my love for writing, and discussing literature. I went Australia and got my first real taste of wanderlust while I was there.

I fell in love the for the first time at UCM.

It just so happens that Week 43 is about a mentor or teacher that I am grateful for. That is an easy one. There are two people that I am grateful for, and both happen to come from UCM. The first one is a plucky writer and poet by the name of Jared Stanley. Besides being a really cool guy, he was also one of the people that really encouraged my creative writing. He got me to write ridiculous poems that were complete shit, gave me books to read, and led me to one of my favorite poets, Gertrude Stein. That nonsensical poetry has gotten me through a lot of rough moments, and has led me to a lot of wonderful people.

The other person that I am grateful for is a literature professor by the name of Jan Goggans. Jan is by far one of the coolest people I have ever met. She specializes in American literature, and was taught the first literature class I ever took. She encouraged discussion, challenged me to think about what I was reading, and helped me become a much better reader and writer. The last time I saw her she told me that she loved every minute of watching me grow as an academic, a writer, and a lover of literature. She wrote me a glowing letter of recommendation for grad school, and encouraged me to pursue a PhD.

Now, I living in the only place I have ever felt at home, and am surrounded by good literature, amazing people, and the chance to see the world. I’m still two weeks behind on the gratitude challenge, but I am having a hard time focusing, so I will come back to my gratitude when I’ve had a proper night’s sleep, and a chance to recharge.

The Scamp’s World View

Posted on October 25, 2015 by erranteditor

I had a meeting this week with my supervisors. They mapped out the next three years of my life, complete with a little sad face of death in the third year.

As you can see, year 1 (my current position) is booked from now until July. I start to get a little more frazzled in year two, and by year three I have died before being reborn and achieving glory! I have sense added some things to year 2 and year 3 in terms of deadlines and things that need to be done, but I’m choosing to stay with these pictures because they make me a little less sad than the full chart.

Goodbye social life, hello burning the candle at both ends.

Despite this, I am excited that things are finally getting to the point that real work is getting done. For the last year I have been dealing with the disappointment of CSUF and the way that I was treated. It seems like forever ago that I was collecting data, doing research, and really doing something worthwhile to contribute to the field of education.

The problem is, before I can really get to the nitty gritty of collecting data, I have to settle on my world view. My supervisors asked me what my epidemiological and ontological views are. Now, this is a question that all researchers are asked at one point of another, especially PhD students as these views shape the way they gather data, the way they analyze the data, and the way that they present results. The answer to these two questions set the tone for the entire project.

The answer to these two questions are thus far eluding me.

I had to answer these questions when I was at CSUF, but I no longer view the world the same way.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. For those of you who do not aspire to be a student forever, or those of you who are a little rusty on your word parts, let me start with a simple definition of the two words.

1. Ontology and epistemology are both branches of philosophy that try to explain the existence of an entity or something.

2. Ontology which indicates the study of how something existed, its nature, or being, usually answers the question ‘what’.

3. Epistemology is often considered as the theory of knowledge, in which we know something exists, and it answers the questions ‘how’ and ‘what’

So now it is time for me to sit and think about how I think, how I construct knowledge, and how I go about answering questions in those categories. Easy right?

Wrong. First, I am not good in silence. If I spend too much time in silence then I am liable to go to the dark and twisty with my thoughts, so I always have music, podcasts, or TV playing. That does not allow for a lot of serious contemplation about the way in which I construct meaning in my world. Am I a realist? Am I constructionist? Am I an interprestist? Where does my belief in Critical Theory come into play? How can I explain my view in 500 words to my supervisors, and how can I spend more than 500 words explaining my views when the first chapter of my thesis is written? Do I want to do a Phenomenological study using grounded theory discourse? Do I even understand what that means? I’ve been sitting with my laptop on my lap for the last three hours, and even with my crack skills as a researcher, I feel like I am no closer to answering the question than I was two years ago when I encountered them.

Right now, I feel like I am sitting in the Pragmatism camp.

Pragmatic Paradigm

Ontology:Reality is the practical effects of ideas.

•Epistemology: Any way of thinking/doing that leads to pragmatic solutions is useful.

•Methodology:Mixed Methods,design–based research,action research

Anything that allows me to do action research is okay by me. We all know that I have had some battles with action research (Scamp on the Battleground), but luckily for me for the UK does not have the same hangups about a valuable form of research. I thought that maybe by the end of this I would have some better insight into the inner workings of my own mind and how my world view shapes my research, but I think that I have to spend some more time in the quiet to really figure it out. It might be time to unplug, turn off, and really get my shit together.

I am looking at my flow chart and I see how busy I am. I really need to refocus and get those 500 words written so I can start setting up the rest of my research I need do to stay on track with my three year plan.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 42

Posted on October 15, 2015 by erranteditor

I have almost survived another week.

Almost.

This week has been rough for me. I’ve been feeling a bit down, and have no real reason for it. I spent most of the day on my couch staring at articles and wishing that I could feel some motivation to do something productive. The one time I ventured out of my flat today I got caught in the rain without my umbrella (Of course, I have been carrying that thing around for a week and it hasn’t rained once) and I took that as a sign that today was just not meant for working.

Tomorrow is another day.

Since I was feeling lousy, I decided that it might be a good time to look at the challenge for this week. This week is an easy one: my favorite possession. I’m not huge on material things, but there is one thing that I value above all of my other things (including my flamingo shoes, my pirate rubber chicken, and all of my yoga pants): my passport.

That’s right. My favorite possession is my passport. That tiny little book is one of the greatest things that I have ever been given. It not only allows me to live in Scotland, but it supports my wanderlust, and has allowed me access to some of the most incredible places in the world. It is the one thing that I am sure to bring with me on my travels, and it is the one thing that reminds me that I can be a gypsy soul when the mood strikes me. I’ve been looking at it a lot the last couple of days, dreaming about the next place I could go (It is a thing that I do when I am sad…I plan fantasy trips). I am grateful that I have it, and grateful for all of the opportunities that I get from it. I realize that not everyone is as lucky to have a passport, or even to be able to go just about anywhere with it, and I plan to make really good use of it for as long as I can.

The Scamp and an Update

Posted on October 12, 2015 by erranteditor

Yesterday I posted about a boy called Angus who I get to work with in the center. I was excited because I got him to pay attention and sit through a little bit of his session. It is my hope that one day I will get him to sit through an entire session.

Miracles of miracles….today was that day!

The Scottish schools are on holiday, and when that happens, the center is open early in the day so that kids can come in and do their sessions while their parents are at work. When I got to the center this morning, Angus was in a zone and had just started his session for the day. He was bright eyed and bushy tailed, which I took as a good sign. The minute Angus saw me, he jumped off his chair and gave me a hug. There were only six kids working, so I sat down with Angus and told him that I would work through some of his session with him. I feel bad that I took over another tutor’s job, but Angus did everything I asked of him on the first task, and before I knew it, we completed his entire session! He was able to have a one-on-one with me, which is probably never going to happen again, but for me it was totally worth it.

I made sure that I talked to his gran before he left so that she knew how good he was today, and how stoked I was to be able to work with him again. He told her I was his favorite tutor, but I think that is just because I let him draw pictures on the whiteboard every time he answers three questions.

It really doesn’t hurt my ego though to know that he had a good day and I was a part of that.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 40 and 41

Posted on October 11, 2015 by erranteditor

I’ve had a really bad cold for the last two weeks and it has made me extremely lazy (and the U.K.’s largest producer of snot). I have fallen behind with PhD work, with writing, and with anything remotely related to not being a zombie. One of the joys of working with little kids three days a week is that they are mini perti dishes of new and wonderful germs.

My body does not like germs.

So while I am playing catch-up this week, all the writing that I actually want to be doing has fallen by the wayside. The gratitude challenge for last week was focused on my greatest accomplishment. This one is really hard for me. I’m not sure I have a specific moment that would qualify as my greatest accomplishment. The one thing that I can think of is surviving my first encounter with a PhD program and not letting it completely destroy me. A mere two months after that all fell apart I had an interview for my current position. While there were a lot of tears, a lot of hiding in bed, and a lot of therapy, I did not completely sink into the dark and twisty, and was able to find a program that I am better suited to, and I got to return to Scotland. Now, I am two months into my new life here and I feel like I never left. Even though my days are not always sunshine and rainbows (Because really, the sun doesn’t shine here), I am happier than I have been in a really really long time. I’ve been reunited with some of my favorite people, made some pretty kick ass new friends, and am well on my way to settling into a great life here.

The gratitude challenge for this week is hobbies. I have a lot of hobbies that I enjoy, but there are a couple that I am extra grateful for. I often get mocked for my love of yoga pants and brightly colored yoga mats, but this is one hobby that I am seriously grateful for. I took up yoga about 15 years ago to help stay flexible for swimming, but it has become something that I really enjoy doing when I am stressed, having a bad day, or when I want to show off for cute boys. I have been lucky enough to meet some great people who do yoga, and even got to help one of my friends as she went through certification to become a yoga teacher. It is a hobby that has a lot of benefits for my health, and keeps me from punching stupid people on a regular basis. I’ve been majorly slacking on my practice lately, but I am going to make a conscious effort to do at least 20 minutes a day. Scorpion pose is in my future.

The other hobby that I am grateful for is my love of reading. That hobby has not only allowed me access to some wonderful books, but has kept me gainfully employed since I was 14 years old. I’ve worked in every type of library you can imagine, and have been a student of words since I was 18. Most recently my love of reading helped me get a job at a learning center. The extra cash is nice, and the kids are a fun break from higher education. I love it when they tease me about the way I say tomato, or when they get excited about being assigned to my zone. The kids have even started drawing me pictures to put on my desk at work. My favorite is the purple dinosaur with a blue tail and face.

The best part of the job so far is a little man named Angus. I’m not 100% sure what Angus has, but I am guessing undiagnosed ADD, and some emotional issues. Angus and I met last week, and it was a struggle to get him to do anything. When he came into the center yesterday, he asked to be put in my section, gave me a big hug, and I got him to sit through one and a half of his tasks (no small feat, trust me). He even made me a picture before he left for the day. I know that it really isn’t a big deal, and I am not going to solve his attention issues, but it is nice to think that he is not hating the hour that he spends in the center. He hates reading, so I am going to try and find some really funny books that he can read so that maybe he will hate it a little less. If I can share that hobby with him, maybe, just maybe, I can get him to sit through a whole session.

Life goals.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 38 and 39

Posted on September 20, 2015 by erranteditor

I should be writing.

I should be writing emails and notes for my dissertation.

I should be working my butt off to get a paper ready for editing in just four short months.

I should not be sitting on my couch, still in my pjs watching Top Chef and pretending that having the articles open is the same thing as working.

I should get back in the habit of doing yoga everyday.

I just want to crawl back in bed. I picked up a second job (3rd if you think of the PhD as its own job) and having worked all week learning the ins and outs of the center left me dead.

I just keep rereading last week’s post and reminding myself that I am really stinking happy in Scotland, and once things settle down with the new job I will get back in the groove of a routine and that will hopefully up my productivity.

Week 38 in the gratitude challenge is all about my favorite music. This one is an easy one. I love music. I will give anything a try, and have everything from Ska to country to electroswing on my ipod, and my favorite thing to do is to make song based playlists for my commute to work and back. Music helps me work, helps me move through yoga routines, and helps make me feel better when I am sad. One of my faults is that I tend to be very negative about situations, and think the worst of myself and situations I get into. When I spend too much time in silence, my brain goes crazy, and I get into the dark and twisty. I currently live alone, so I always have music playing when I am at home. When I can feel myself going to the dark and twisty, I put on some of the most upbeat music I have on my ipod and dance around my place while I clean.

It always makes me feel better.

I am going to put together a mini playlist of some of my favorite songs, since it is much more to listen to them than have me ramble on about them.

While there are plenty more to chose from, I feel this gives a bit of an idea of my go to songs to make me feel better. I have about 20,000 songs on my ipod, so I am never short of good music.

Week 39 is a harder one for me. This week is all about heritage.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines heritage as:

Valued objects and qualities such as historic buildings and cultural traditions that have been passed down from previous generations:Europe’s varied cultural heritage

This one falls on an interesting week as it is Jewish New Year. It is tradition that is important to my heritage and reminds me to reflect and really think about who am I am and the choices that I make in life. This last year has been really difficult and really horrible, and really fucking fantastic. I am grateful for my heritage and my values and traditions, but I often feel like I do not fit into that mold. I consider myself a gypsy soul, and because of that, I feel like I do not have a real set heritage. I just want to wander the world and learn as much as I can. That does not really lend itself well to tradition.

I’ve recently had the opportunity to meet a real gypsy. He was born in the French Alps, but has lived all over the world. He hates being called French, speaks with a mix of Scottish and French accent, and his idea of the perfect place to live is western Australia. We met by chance, but he is one of the first people I have ever had a conversation with who really understood the need to wander, and reluctance to be defined by where you are born, or where you grew up. We had some great conversation, and I think it could really be the start of a great friendship.

I think that is one of the things that I am most grateful for about my adopted gypsy soul heritage. It is allowing me to meet so many interesting people and live this pretty funky life. I cannot wait to see where I move to next, and the type of people that I will meet when I do. As for the heritage of my youth, I feel like some of the Jewish traditions that I observe and practice allow me to really reflect on myself as a person, and really remember that I have the strength and perseverance to move through life doing the things I love.

…and that works just fine for me.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 37

Posted on September 13, 2015 by erranteditor

This one is a good week for me. This week is all about being grateful for something that I created. Brace yourself, this post is about to be sappy as hell.

You’ve been warned.

I’ve created a lot of things that I am proud of, but I think what I am most grateful for is the life that I am currently creating in Scotland. I have finally figured my shit out.

Finally.

The last month and change has been really good for me. There was a bit of time there when I was trying to sort the visa out that I thought I was never going to actually get to come back here and live. I was really good at going to the dark and twisty. When I got here, and lasted a week, before I had to go back to the States, I was sure that the university was going to fire me and that I was going to be unemployed and sad on my mom’s couch forever.

Luckily, none of that happened. I had a drink with a colleague, and someone fast becoming a friend, and after hanging out and talking about work and life, and having some really tasty drinks, I walked home and realized that I was ridiculously happy. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. I forgot what the feeling was like. At first I thought it was just the last shot of Sailor Jerry, but it when it didn’t go away the next day, or even today, I finally figured out what it was. I’m freaking happy. Really freaking happy.

This comes at the perfect time, as tonight marks the start of Rosh Hashanah, which means the Jewish new year is upon us. It is strange because I don’t really remember celebrating last year, other than using it as the perfect excuse to leave class early. There really isn’t a temple around here, and really no Jewish people, so this year I am going to enjoy my apples and honey, and really think about all the crazy shit that has happened, and what I learned from it. So, while everyday isn’t perfect, and some days I get a little sad, or I feel extra tired, on the whole, life is pretty fucking great for me right now.

I’m going to enjoy the happy feeling. The really great happy feeling.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 36

Posted on September 6, 2015 by erranteditor

Week 36 is all about my home.

Home is an interesting word for me. It has been commonly defined as:

home

noun

1.

the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

“the floods forced many people to flee their homes”
2.

an institution for people needing professional care or supervision.

“an old people’s home”

adjective

1.

relating to the place where one lives.

“I don’t have your home address”
2.

(of a sports fixture) played at the team’s own ground.

“their first home match of the season”

adverb

1.

to or at the place where one lives.

“what time did he get home last night?”

verb

1.

(of an animal) return by instinct to its territory after leaving it.

“a dozen geese homing to their summer nesting grounds”

move or be aimed towards (a target or destination) with great accuracy.

“more than 100 missiles were launched, homing in on radar emissions”

In regards to the way that I think about home, on a more literal level, there is a lot to love about my flat. It is the perfect size for me, it is in a crazy cool old building, the neighborhood is relatively safe, and everything that I need is in walking distance. Now that more of my things have arrived, the place has a lived in, “Kim” feel to it (the rubber ducks really make the place). I spend a lot of time in my little reading nook with my academic articles, and I am seriously considering buying a big comfy dog bed so I have something soft to sit on while working. All in all, my little home is perfect for me.

A little art on the wall next to my building

While I am grateful for my little home, on an elemental level, I am so grateful to Scotland and the place that I really consider my home. It is not so much that I love the place, but more so I love the way I feel when I am here. I’m happier here. I’m more me here. I’m not as stressed, not as grumpy, and I get a whole lot more exercise. Those feelings have me eternally grateful, and I know that my stress level is going to amp up in the next few weeks with school starting, my dissertation in full swing, and the project starting, but I know that at least I get to experience all of those things here, where my little heart feels at home.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 35

Posted on August 30, 2015 by erranteditor

This is the week all about my neighborhood. Having only been here a month, I feel that I am still in the honeymoon phase, but all in all, I have to say that I really love where I live.

I am not yet an expert on the history of the city, but according to VisitScotland. com:

Leith is an area like no other. Boasting its own distinct character, Leith is a hub of lively eating and drinking spots, creativity and cultural diversity.

The district of Leith rests on the shores of the Firth of Forth, at the mouth of the Water of Leith. Having served as the port of Edinburgh for hundreds of years, the area’s original harbour dates back to the 14th century and has been visited by many travelling kings and queens, including Mary Queen of Scots and King George IV.

Today, Leith is a vivacious area jam-packed with delicious delis, chic drinking spots, and top restaurants boasting some of Scotland’s finest chefs. The district asserts a jovial attitude and hosts an eclectic mix of people and cultures, making each a visit a unique experience.

The area is famed as the location of the 5-star Royal Yacht Britannia, a fascinating royal residence berthed alongside Ocean Terminal Shopping Centre. Leith also boasts a rich creative culture and is home to various independent and contemporary galleries, such as the Corn Exchange Gallery. Various cultural festivals such as the Leith Festival and the Edinburgh Mela take place here throughout the year, and the area even has its own radio station.

Though Leith can be easily reached by bus, one of the best ways to visit is to take a leisurely stroll along the Water of Leith Walkway. This charming footpath borders the river from Balerno to Leith and emerges at the Shore, an upmarket area lined with bistros, stylish bars, traditional pubs and first-rate restaurants.

The mile-long Leith Walk links the district with the east end of Princes Street and offers a shopping experience like no other in the capital – locals proudly boast that there is little to nothing you won’t be able to find on this street.

What I like about the area is that it reminds me a lot of places at home. It is a little bit sketchy, but you don’t feel unsafe, and I am near the water. I can go have a sit at a bench and watch the ducks and birds, and I can always hear the seagulls. I can’t wait to see what it looks like in the winter, and I wonder if I will still feel so in love with the area when I have to walk to the bus in the rain and wind…and maybe snow.

and because I am a lazy writer today, I am also sharing a photo from one of my favorite sites on Facebook: Beautiful Edinburgh (https://www.facebook.com/beautifuledinburgh/timeline). This is how I see my neighborhood right now.

The month has gone quickly, and with school starting in two weeks, I am looking forward to a little more of the calm before the storm. I have a job interview, paid all of my bills this month, and feel like I am settling into a good routine. I saw an email on Friday announcing the dissertation proposal defense for one of the women responsible for my dismissal from CSUF, and it really made me sad. I got really wrapped up in my own head about it, and even though I know that I am exactly where I want to be, doing exactly what I want to, it was still hard for me to see something that I should have been doing. I let myself get mopey about it, but was lucky enough to have some people here to let me talk it out and help me remember that it happened, and something good came out of it. That, a walk around the area, and some really good yoga definitely made me feel a lot better about the choices that I have made in the last few months.