Last year I only published four posts. Four. In 365 days I only managed to write for fun (well okay, not fun, mostly for therapy) four times. Almost a month into 2020 and I am not really feeling the fun writing either. I am 10 posts away from 500 and have had the Scamp adventures as my constant companion for almost ten years. Sometimes I wonder if I have run out of things to say.
Sometimes I wonder if the PhD killed my love of writing. Today I had a fight with FedEx. That fight and the frustration that comes from a week-long back and forth battle with them led me to lash out at the people around me and picking fights with people for absolutely no reason. One of those people has been a toxic existence in my life for the last four years. The thing is, I wanted to get rid of him a long time ago but I wasn’t strong enough. It is not easy to get rid of a manipulative sociopath when you are already beaten down emotionally by life.
The edits for my thesis are due in one month. I’m not done. I’m getting there, but not close enough to keep me from stressing. The final draft is due to the examiners by the 13th of March, and I have that marked on my calendar as the day my life begins. It is has been five years that I have been chained to the PhD, three of those in less than ideal circumstances, and two of those feeling utterly worthless and broken by the system. But on the 13th of March, I get to start living again.
I’m supposed to be on a flight to China that day, but with the given health warning, I am not sure that is going to happen. Regardless, I get to live again.
So, because I have not done things outside the PhD in way too long, I have decided to bring back one of my favourite things: making a list of things that I would like to do in during the year. I did this before my 30th birthday and it was a lot of fun. It also gave me great pleasure to do the things on the list and cross them off. I love do love crossing things off a list.
In no particular order:
- Visit 3 new countries
- Present at an academic conference
- Solo author a paper
- Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
- Do yoga at least twice a week
- Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
- Make a dent in my student loan
- Finally get my UK driving license
- Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
- Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
- Ride in a hot air balloon
- Go camping
- Celebrate passing my viva
- Improve my Spanish proficiency
- Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
- Get on an academic committee
- Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
- Go a full 48 hours without being negative
- Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
- Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)
I’m hoping that by writing the list down I can stay accountable and actually complete these things. I also hope that it means that I will be a lot happier in 2020 than I was in 2019.