California kid | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp Goes Home

After my less-than-relaxing holiday in Majorca, I made my annual trip to California. I try to go to California every year in July, when the weather is warm and my workload is the lowest.

I needed this holiday. I was burned out at work and in desperate need of a tan. Little did I know that this trip home would be one of the most important of my life.

The sun and the heat were great. I was there for the 4th of July, which meant the annual parade in the town where my parents live. I helped my mom clean out her closets and found all kinds of photos from when I was a kid. I even crashed my parents’ anniversary dinner for the third year in a row.

One of the best things about being in California in July is that I also get to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. I make him a whatever kind of cake he wants, and we usually go to the aquarium so that he can see sharks and feed the birds.

I made time this trip to have breakfast with my first friend. We’ve known each other since we were 5, and it was nice to catch up on life and talk about all the people that we grew up with. Although my life took a very different path, she is still friends with a lot of the people I grew up with, so it is nice for me to hear about how all of them are doing.

The most meaningful part of this trip though, was the chance to have lunch with my brother. He had all but disappeared for years. He told my mom he was busy with work and wouldn’t come to holidays or be able to visit when I came to town. Before this visit, I hadn’t seen him in person in over 2 years. In reality, he was super depressed and had gained a lot of weight. He was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. A few months before I visited, he had finally come clean to my mom and was making changes. He was never very good at texting back, but he called me to chat about a book series he was reading that he thought I would like. I told him he didn’t have to come visit, but he decided to put his feelings aside and come see me for lunch.

I forced him to download Whatsapp in front of me and while my parents went to pick up lunch, I made him promise that he wouldn’t hide anymore. He had to text me and he couldn’t go a month without a text. We watched stupid videos and talked about books, and after lunch, I gave him a hug, told him I loved him and he left.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that would be the last time that I saw him. Less than a month later, I would be back in California so that I could collect his ashes and help my mom sort out all of the things that come with someone dying suddenly. I will forever be grateful that my last words to him out loud were that I loved him and was happy he made the drive to see me.

A Scampaversary

Posted on May 19, 2014 by erranteditor

Today marks one year that I have been back in the States.

12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

Not that I am counting.

I actually cannot believe that it has been a year already. That means I have completed my dissertation. That means that I have graduated from the University of Edinburgh. That means I went back to Scotland to attend my graduation.That means that I am about 1/3 of the way done with my doctoral program. That means I am getting ready to take the qualifying exam to stay in the program. That means I am about to kiss my summer goodbye.

That means I have spent 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds missing Scotland.

One year later and I am still grieving the loss my life there. I miss the people, I miss the adventure, I miss the friends that I made there.

In one of the first classes I took at the University of Edinburgh we read an article about reverse culture shock. “Reverse culture shock is experienced when returning to a place that one expects to be home but actually is no longer, is far more subtle, and therefore, more difficult to manage than outbound shock precisely because it is unexpected and unanticipated,” says Dean Foster, founder and president of DFA Intercultural Global Solutions, a firm that provides intercultural training and coaching worldwide.

I read the article, participated in the discussion for the class, and didn’t give reverse culture shock another thought.

Smash cut to a month ago when I finally figured out everything that was making me unhappy here.

I miss Scotland. I left my heart there, and despite the “on paper” appearance of everything being great here, all that I really did was put off actually dealing with being back in California. I came home and jumped into my dissertation. When that was completed, I started the doctoral program. After the first semester in the program, I picked up a third job. Somewhere in all of that, I also tried to find happiness with a boy. In short, I did everything but try to adjust to what life is now like for me here.

In short, it sucks. I don’t fit in here. I will always be a California kid, but I no longer want to be a California adult. I make no secret of telling people that I plan to go back overseas the minute I can, and I am not kidding. Since I cannot pack up and leave tomorrow, I will console myself with trips overseas to see my friends when I can, and work as hard as I can right now to make myself a really good Kim for my next overseas adventure.

I will graduate in exactly 2 years from today. That is 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. 17,531 hours.

Not that I am counting.

The good thing is, I can, and plan to, get a lot done in that time.