depression | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 47-49

Posted on December 3, 2015 by erranteditor

Week 49. Wow. I cannot believe it has been 49 weeks since I started the challenge. I can believe, however, that I am once again several posts behind on the challenge. For the last couple of weeks I have been battling some mad hibernation instincts, visiting with my family, and generally neglecting all things related to writing, academic and otherwise. The visit from my mom and brother did a lot to re-energize me, but now I am at the point where I have to make up for lost time.

Although, with the rain, wind, and temperature currently sitting at about 2C (36F) all I really want to do is get in bed with my book and Lambchop my hotwater bottle and call it a day.

But I digress.

Week 47 was dedicated to opportunities that I have been given. I know that I should be thinking more deeply about things like this, but honestly, I have been given a lot of amazing opportunities, and I am having a hard time thinking of just one major one that I am grateful for. Something a little on the shallow and cheesy side that I am grateful for is the role of babysitter to a little French Bulldog called Skyler. Skyler belongs to my neighbors. They are a lovely couple who unfortunately gets stuck signing for my packages when I am at work. While this may seem like a very very silly opportunity to be grateful for, it really isn’t. The one thing I want more than anything (well, not more than to pay off all of my debits and make enough money to not cry a little every time I look at my bank statement) is to own a Frenchie. I created an Instagram simply for the reason of following Frenchies. I want a puppy friend the way most people my age want a baby. I see people with their dogs all over the city, and while some let me pet their little fir babies, strangers usually don’t like it when you hug their dogs. I am not really in the position for a dog at the moment, so acting as a babysitter to this little love bug is like the next best thing. When I told my neighbor that I had my Odie who I miss a lot, she cooed at Skyler that she would have to be a cat for a day and provide some comfort….I am 100% okay with that.

Week 48 is dedicated to my job.

Well, this is an easy one. I am grateful for my job because it literally saved my life. I saw the posting for the position when things went south at CSUF and I had slid into the dark and twisty big time. I wasn’t eating, wasn’t sleeping, had very few people in my life that I considered friends, and worried that I would never feel good about myself again. This job allowed me to move back to Scotland, the one and only place I have ever felt at home. This job allowed me to meet some incredible people, and be in the same place with some already amazing friends. This job is allowing me to test my patience playing the political game, spend my days doing research, and writing….all kinds of writing. A year ago I was a mess. Today, I am the happiest I have been in years. I know that this job is a big part of the reason why. It also doesn’t hurt that I will actually be Dr. Kimbo when my contract is up.

Week 49 is dedicated to what I like about winter.

When it is over. That is my favorite part of winter.

For real. I am not a fan of winter.

The Scamp in Limbo

Posted on May 9, 2015 by erranteditor

lim·bo

noun

(in some Christian beliefs) the supposed abode of the souls of unbaptized infants, and of the just who died before Christ’s coming.
an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition.

I’m Kimbo in limbo.

I have 27 days left in the United States. I no longer have a car, have sold almost all of my old books, and the books from the program from CSUF, and have sold the dishes that I have owned since I was 19. The goal this weekend is to try and sell my desk, some fantastic pots and pans, and a very impressive Tupperware collection. This is just the start of my strange time in limbo. Friends I have had since I was 14 are suddenly strangers, and I have failed to keep up correspondence with my friends overseas. People all around me are making plans, and very few of them remember that I am moving away.

My plans in Scotland have been a bit derailed as well because of a mix-up with dates, so I have to rent a room before I can make it to my place. This means that I will not have my stuff shipped right away, so I have to make due with what I pack for Spain, and that means I have to pack more than I thought I would.

Basically I am throwing myself a pity party. I want people around here to miss me. I want someone to notice that I am leaving and be proud of the fact that I am finally getting back to Scotland and earning a PhD. Then I remember that I have done nothing but complain about living in the United States, and have done nothing but mourn, pine, and feel homesick for Scotland. I have done nothing here to warrant people missing me.

No wonder no one will miss me. It is an odd feeling to have everything that I want right on the horizon, and want to mourn the loss of the life I have here. I hate it here. I’ve been counting down the days until I can leave since I landed in Los Angeles almost two years ago. All the same, it is becoming very real to me that I am leaving and not coming back. So, while I do not quite belong in Scotland, I no longer belong here in California. I’m a stranger in a strange land, I’m living in limbo between two places.

I once told David that if we ever broke up I would never come back to the US again. Funny enough, he was the reason I came back, accepted a spot at CSUF, entered into a disastrous relationship with someone who emotionally abused me, and have gone to a deep deep deep dark and twisty place. Now I sit in limbo because of the choices I have made, and hope that the Scottish version of sunshine and rainbows is waiting for me when I get there.

“Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go.”
― Brooks Atkinson

The Scamp Makes a List

Posted on October 6, 2014 by erranteditor

The Scamp Gets Over a Hurdle

Posted on July 23, 2014 by erranteditor

Today marks four years of having a little space here to record all the bat shit crazy things that go through my head. Only the last two years or so have been public posts, but so far, this is my longest meaningful relationship as of yet. It has outlasted three different apartments, two jobs, and two boyfriends.

So far, it’s never let me down.

That is not the hurdle that I have gotten past though. A few months ago I admitted to the world that I was depressed again (https://ascampabroad.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/the-scamp-unloads-a-burden/) I also admitted that I was going to have to figure something out to pull myself out of this pit.

The first thing I did was get my medication readjusted.

The second thing I did was find a good therapist. And let me tell you, that has made all the difference. It has been almost four months of really hard work, but I am finally starting to feel better.

I feel like a lot has happened, even in the last four months, more than any person should have to go through all at once, but I would like to think that I came out of this like a champ. I had to give up my therapist because the school only allows for so many visits, but at least in my quest for a new one, I can rest assured knowing that I am making great progress to feeling better. Getting over that first hurdle was huge. It sucked. It sucked a lot.

The alternative sucked more though.

“She had fouled off of the curves that life had thrown at her.”
― W.P. Kinsella, The Thrill of the Grass

Summer school is finally over, the qualifying exam is fast approaching, and one of my best friends is coming to visit in less than two weeks. This marks the end to the first year of the program, my first complete year back in the States, and my first chance to really readjust to being home.

That two weeks off in the middle of August cannot come fast enough.

Bring on the trashy romance novels and the endless hours by the pool. Bring on yoga classes, and trips to the gym. Bring on the Netflix binge marathons.

But most of all, bring on the happy calm feeling that has started to become the norm in my life.

The Scamp’s Escape

Posted on July 1, 2014 by erranteditor

Today I found the perfect car.

So I bought it.

Estelle is a 2005 Ford Escape.

She was priced below the money that I got for the Civic, so I was feeling pretty good about my chances of finding a car. I took her for a test drive, and I was hooked. She drives well, had very low mileage, and had a really clean bill of health. My dad told me before he left for vacation to just wait for him to come home before I did anything, but I saw Estelle, and I knew that she would be just what I need for the next couple of years. I called my parental units to let them know what was going on, and ask my dad what I should ask for in terms of pricing. He gave me a number, and wished me luck.

I went in to the negotiation knowing that if it didn’t feel right, then I could easily walk away and keep looking. I set the price that my dad gave me, and the salesman brought out another sales dude to try and work me over. I was prepared for that, so I stuck to my guns, and told him I was holding firm on my price. He came back with a number that was slightly higher, and I countered with a number in the middle, told him to fill the gas tank and pay the tags and we’d have a deal. He looked me in the eye, told me I was tough, and then shook my hand. The original salesman told me I was strong and he liked it.

I smiled like I do that all the time, but to be honest, I was doing the happy dance in my head. I have been really worried for the last two weeks that I was not going to be able to afford a car, or the ones that I could afford would not be something I wanted to drive. I also wanted to prove to myself that I could do this without anyone’s help, and that I was adult enough to buy a car that was completely mine….of course, I think it helped that the people at the dealership were really really nice, and have a good reputation for fair prices and good cars.

Today was the first time in over a year I felt like me. I knew what I wanted, I didn’t take crap from anyone, and I didn’t let myself get taken advantage of. I was snarky, wasn’t stressed, and I left feeling really good about my choice when I left the dealership. She may not be as good on the fuel as the Civic, but my commute is about to get smaller, and I think I can do without any new shoes for awhile. I feel good about the purchase, have a little money left, and actually feel like an adult.

So now, while I am stuck in the current cycle of work, school, homework, repeat, I have my little white Escape to get me through.

Summer school still sucks, but there is less than month left.

Studying for the qualifying exam sucks, but the director of the other program gave me some good study tips, and I know that I will get things done.

The Scamp Scamps to Her Own Beat

Posted on May 23, 2014 by erranteditor

…and I am learning to be okay with that.

A Scampaversary

Posted on May 19, 2014 by erranteditor

Today marks one year that I have been back in the States.

12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

Not that I am counting.

I actually cannot believe that it has been a year already. That means I have completed my dissertation. That means that I have graduated from the University of Edinburgh. That means I went back to Scotland to attend my graduation.That means that I am about 1/3 of the way done with my doctoral program. That means I am getting ready to take the qualifying exam to stay in the program. That means I am about to kiss my summer goodbye.

That means I have spent 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds missing Scotland.

One year later and I am still grieving the loss my life there. I miss the people, I miss the adventure, I miss the friends that I made there.

In one of the first classes I took at the University of Edinburgh we read an article about reverse culture shock. “Reverse culture shock is experienced when returning to a place that one expects to be home but actually is no longer, is far more subtle, and therefore, more difficult to manage than outbound shock precisely because it is unexpected and unanticipated,” says Dean Foster, founder and president of DFA Intercultural Global Solutions, a firm that provides intercultural training and coaching worldwide.

I read the article, participated in the discussion for the class, and didn’t give reverse culture shock another thought.

Smash cut to a month ago when I finally figured out everything that was making me unhappy here.

I miss Scotland. I left my heart there, and despite the “on paper” appearance of everything being great here, all that I really did was put off actually dealing with being back in California. I came home and jumped into my dissertation. When that was completed, I started the doctoral program. After the first semester in the program, I picked up a third job. Somewhere in all of that, I also tried to find happiness with a boy. In short, I did everything but try to adjust to what life is now like for me here.

In short, it sucks. I don’t fit in here. I will always be a California kid, but I no longer want to be a California adult. I make no secret of telling people that I plan to go back overseas the minute I can, and I am not kidding. Since I cannot pack up and leave tomorrow, I will console myself with trips overseas to see my friends when I can, and work as hard as I can right now to make myself a really good Kim for my next overseas adventure.

I will graduate in exactly 2 years from today. That is 24 months. 104 weeks. 730 days. 17,531 hours.

Not that I am counting.

The good thing is, I can, and plan to, get a lot done in that time.

The Scamp at 200

Posted on April 21, 2014 by erranteditor

And here we are. 200. A big number. It has been almost a year since I wrote number 100 (you can find it here: https://ascampabroad.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/the-scamps-100th-post-or-what-ive-learned-from-my-journey-so-far/). I’d like to say that the last 100 posts were as exciting as those first 100, but I am not sure that they were. Life in the States seems mundane and boring compared to the life I was living in Scotland, and the adventures I have here are few and far between. It has also become painfully apparent to me that a lot of the things that I learned in the first 100 posts did not carry over to the second 100. Instead of a thoughtful piece on the last two hundred, I thought it would a better use of the post to show the world what 100 posts looks like in pictures. I’ve decided to share some of my favorite pictures from each of my adventures.

My first post was in March of 2012. I had known that I had a spot in the program for three weeks at the time of the first post. I did not take a picture of the moment I found out, and now I wish I had. I told everyone who came to the desk at USD that day that I got accepted overseas. That weekend I celebrated my 25th birthday and began to plan a trip to Scotland for a campus tour.

I told my family and friends of my choice to go at a family party.

March saw the first trip to Scotland.

April saw only one post about me being very worried about becoming irrelevant once I left. To counter that, I spent time with my family to try and forget that feeling.

May of 2012 was one post about falling in love with a boy who had no idea I was in love with him. It was also the month where Kelly graduated.

June of 2012 saw a family trip to Ireland. It was one of the best trips I have ever been on. There was only one post from that month, and it was about my struggle to find housing, my worry about money, and the boy telling me he loved me.

July was the first month I posted more than one entry. This month was about being tired, getting overseas insurance, and moving from San Diego back to my childhood in Orange County. The photo for this month is one of the last nights out in San Diego with two people who I spent the most time with there.

August was a crazy month for me. I was stressed about all the plans I still needed to make, how hard it was going to be to leave the boy, and reality of what the next year was going to look like for me. The picture for this month was taken a few days before I left. I hadn’t finished packing, but I spent the day in the sun napping.

September 2012 marked my first month in Scotland. The posts were about finding my way through the city, going on hikes up Arthur’s Seat. I started to make friends with the people that lived around me, and the people that I was in class with.

This was the view from the hotel I stayed at before I moved into the dorms.

In true Scottish fashion, it started to rain during the hike

The view from the window of my dorm. Not a bad scene to wake up to.

October was all about traveling and seeing Scotland, learning to live with 18 year olds, considering what life would be like in my relationship if I stayed to do my PhD, and how to deal with staying on medication that was helping me control my depression and anxiety.

I celebrated Halloween with these two

Tried to find the Loch Ness Monster

and explored castle ruins.

November saw me complete the first half of my program, worry about upcoming holidays when I had no job, and no money coming in, and what harvest meant to me. I was able to come home at the end of November. I was reunited with the boy, got to sleep in my own bed, and got to eat real food. The best picture from this month is my first taste of Mexican food when I came home from the airport.

December of 2012 was a hard month for me. The posts were about my struggles with being home and wanting to be social vs having work to do, juggling my family with the boy and his family, and getting robbed on Christmas. I spent most of my time in San Diego and managed to write 2 very good papers despite not having any of the books and not having my computer.

January 2013 started off on a great foot. I got to move out of the room in the Freshman hallway, got to experience snow for the first time, and settled into a very interesting class about children’s books. I was happy to be back with my friends and wandering around the city that I love.

Reunited with the gang.

Snow changed the view outside my window. Luckily it did not snow enough to really be a problem. I can still remember the first time I walked home in the snow. I wasn’t properly dressed for it, but I loved every minute of it.

February 2013 was a rough month for me. This was the month my relationship fell apart. I tried to hide it as best I could, but it eventually came out. I admitted to the world through my blog that I was depressed, admitted that I was no longer going to marry the boy I thought was the love of my life, and that I was going to seek help to deal with all of these issues. I was sad, but hopeful. This month was not all bad though. I got to go to Belfast, and that was quite an adventure. I loved it (well, maybe not the Titanic part, but the rest of it)

March of 2013 saw the start of my 26th year, a new tattoo, the end of my coursework in Scotland and posts that ranged from celebrating the birthdays of my brothers, my grandma, and my sister to all of the love I felt from people all over the world about the break-up. I got care packages from friends at home, home cooked meals from the girls in Scotland, and positive thoughts from the world of blogging.

A birthday present to myself

A proper St. Pats celebration

April of 2013 saw a visit from my parents and real healing. I really started to explore and enjoy the city, spent a lot of time outside of my room with my friends, and showed my dad why I loved the city so much. April also marked my 100th post.

This is my favorite picture taken in the course of this journey.

May 2013 saw the end of my journey in Scotland. I really did not want to leave. I spent as much time as I could with my friends, made a plan of how to tackle life when I returned to the States. I went to Dundee, visited Rosslyn Chapel, and started work on my dissertation.

June of 2013 saw a mini vacation to see some of my friends and a lot of work on my dissertation. I got a job interview for a teaching position, and attempted to adjust to being back in the States. I only unpacked what was necessary, and spent 8 hours a day writing.

Onward ho! Thanks to my awesome navigational skills we found everything we needed

July of 2013 saw my struggles with writer’s block, my fear that I would never finish my dissertation, and my struggles to readjust to life at home. I was still talking to my friends from Scotland on a regular basis, and I was gearing up to start school at CSUF.

By August I finally finished my dissertation. I was very excited of the work I produced. I went to a wedding and reconnected with an old love, and realized that my wanderlust was not going to go away. I started the doctoral program, and was hopeful about the academic journey I was about to embark on.

Look mom, I’m wearing heels!

September was stressful for me. I was still waiting to find a job, and saw my bank account quickly emptying. I got the chance to babysit for my cousins, got to see two of my favorite people from college marry, and learned how to get in touch with my inner philosopher.

She feeds herself, allowing me two hands to hold my textbook open

October of 2013 was the month results for my dissertation was released. I got an A and was on top of the world. I fell in love again, and thought I was in a really solid relationship. I learned how to navigate race and academia, and felt like I was finally getting the hang of being a doctoral student.

November 2013 was my favorite month since being home. I got to return to Scotland and celebrate my graduation. I got to take Kelly with me so she could finally see the beauty of the place. I finally had a job, and was making a little bit of money, and I got the idea to make a literacy group that allowed kids to read with puppies.

December saw the end of 2013, and the end of my first year as a doctoral student. I was struggling with juggling work, school, family and the boy, and a wonderful Christmas with my family

January 2014 saw a new year, and what I hoped would be a new attitude. I started a happiness challenge, tried to make the relationship with the boy better, and made inappropriate posts that made me laugh.

In February I found myself sliding back into old habits. I was growing increasingly depressed, tried to figure out how to deal with my doubts, and dealt with some uncomfortable feelings about the death of a woman that I did not like. I found myself very homesick for Scotland, and wanting to run away again. I got a new tattoo to celebrate my upcoming birthday.

March of 2014 passed in a blur. I turned 26, let the depression get the best of me, and spent all of my free time working . The posts were mostly other people’s words, or pictures of me from my youth. I couldn’t really find my own words well enough, and was doing all that I could to pretend I wasn’t miserable. I did enjoy my family, and the support they gave me.

And now we are almost through with April. It has been an interesting month to say the least. Another love finished, another good long look in the mirror, and another month of being incredibly busy. The good thing about this month is that I recently found out that I have been given two classes to teach in the fall. My class from this semester was cancelled, but now I can quit the job I took to pay my bills in favor of a career. I am very excited about that.

All in all, this blog has been very good to me. It has allowed me to chronicle one of the best years of my life, and allowed to me learn and grow, and process life after that. I will keep it up for the next 100 posts and see where the road takes me.

The Scamp Unloads a Burden

Posted on April 9, 2014 by erranteditor

I’ve been pretending I’m fine for months, thinking that if I pretended I wasn’t depressed again, it would go away. I said I was fine so many times that I created, and then destroyed a relationship I had no business being in. I said I fine so many times that I eventually was consumed by the word and didn’t know how to say I was unhappy, or that I needed help beyond what anyone I love could objectively give me.

I’m an avid freshly presser. I love reading what people have to say on subjects I am interested in (and one day secretly hope to grace the page). Today I came across a blog that perfectly captured how I feel (You can find the owner of the words that so perfectly capture what I am sure many people struggling with depression feel here: http://blackdogrunner.wordpress.com/)

BDR writes:

When you’re in the clutches of depression, it requires an enormous amount of energy. Many a day I’ve gone to work, said nothing except a couple of ‘fine thank yous’ , and come home utterly exhausted. Which has a knock-on effect on my ability to do it all over again the next day.

But there’s another problem – a more insidious problem – with lying. Every time you tell someone you are ‘fine’ – when you’re not – you buy into the belief that it’s not acceptable to be depressed. In other words, the act of concealing your true mood, sends a subconscious message that it needs concealing, that it’s something to be ashamed of.

I’m exhausted. I spent so much time anxiously worried about the state of my relationship, or how busy I was, or how behind I fell with school work, that I could literally crawl in bed and sleep for days. In fact, I would like nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and not resurface until all of these feelings have passed.

I saw a therapist on campus…..I didn’t like her (I have since made a new appointment with a different person in hopes of finding a better fit).

I have three jobs and no insurance, so I didn’t look for an affordable option.

I have phoned it in at work and school, and not many people would have ever known something was wrong until last week when I lost control of my tear ducts and cried in oddest of places.

My self-worth at this moment is severely lacking. It is the one thing that I need to work on figuring out. It is one of the reasons I jumped into a relationship, it is one of the reasons I hide behind school, and it is one of the things I am constantly reminded of, but am somehow unable to see.

Today was my lucky day in class though. I got two cards from two of my favorite cohort members. One was a great note thanking me for being me, and listing qualities that she enjoyed about me. She has been doing this every week for the different members of our group, and mine just so happened to come at a time when I needed a reminder to look at all the good about myself.

The second card came from a woman that I love. he is one of the bravest, warmest, and inspired people I have ever met. She has a passion for people that is beyond anything I can hope to have, and she constantly reminds me what it means to fully invest in your dreams. She was a strong comforting shoulder for me last week, and the card she gave me tonight will be one I keep close for a good long while.

It says:

It isn’t always easy to make changes, but there’s no better advice than this: just do your best. Make sure you stay strong enough to move ahead, because there are some wonderful rewards waiting for you.

It won’t all make sense right away, but I promise you; over the course of time, answers will come, decisions will prove to be the right ones, and the path will be easier to see. Here are some things you can do that will help see you through….

You can have hope. Because it works wonders for those who have it. You can be optimistic. Because people who expect things to turn out for the best often set the stage to receive a beautiful result. You can put things into perspective. Because some things are important and others are definitely not.

You can remember that beyond the clouds, the sun is still shining. You can meet each challenge and give it all you’ve got.

You can count your blessings. You can be inspired to climb your ladders and have some nice long conversations with your wishing stars. You can be strong and patient. You can be gentle and wise.

And you can believe in happy endings. Because you are the author if the story of your life.

Douglas Pagels

I’m going to look to the strong and patient, gentle and wise parts to get me through.

As per my usual, I have been way too emotionally open and honest about being a hot mess. This blog was supposed to be my adventures in Scotland, and then my adventures in the doctoral program. It has become my outlet for all of the thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to voice in my everyday life. I don’t hide behind the anonymity that the blogosphere offers since I post the link to my Facebook, and I am sure one day I will cringe about all of the things I have put out into the world, but right now, in this moment, I feel a little bit better about getting this off my chest.

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on April 4, 2014 by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better. One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.