depression

The Scamp and a Shake-up

Posted on by erranteditor

For the last 48 hours there have been 2 really strong earthquakes and about 100 aftershocks. I’m really over the earth moving. The really strong quake scared the beejezus out of me. It was a 5.1, which although not seriously deadly, was centered in the street outside my house, so it felt more like a 7. All of the pictures flew off the walls, all of the drawers and cabinets opened, books fell off the shelves, and I call my mom crying like a baby begging her to come home from their place in the mountains. No one was hurt, only one glass was broken, and after a bit of clean-up, everything was back in proper working order.

While the quake shook me up, it also gave me an idea.

I need to shake up my routine. I’ve spent the last few months wallowing in my depression. That is enough time. Considering I didn’t like the therapists at school, and I won’t have insurance for a couple more months, I need to do what I can for myself to make it better.

I am on spring break from the university this week, so I have decided that I am going to do one thing every day this week that makes me happy. Sunday to Sunday, I will pick something new every day that makes me happy.

Sunday I did a couple of things that made me happy. I started the day with a Skype chat. I have not been very good about talking to my friends from Scotland. I was spending every weekend with the boy, so I was not following through with the regular Sunday chats. Being able to hear their voices was so amazing! I missed them more than I realized, and it was nice for a bit of a catch-up with them. It has not quelled my need to get up and move from here, but it did make me feel a lot better hearing their voices.

hangout_snapshot_1

 

The next thing I did was have dinner with my sister. She got me some amazing prints of pin-up girls that I am going to slowly frame and hang up in random places. We ate yummy food and watched ridiculous TV. I got my social fix, and in a way that makes me happy.

I have Monday off from work, so I am going to sleep in, get ready for the week of focus groups, and make a list of all of the things that I want to do this week to make me happy. I’m also going to do a bit of spring cleaning….of both things and people that are making me miserable and not adding anything to my life. Without some of the clutter, physical and emotional, maybe I will be able to get myself feeling better before I can see a doctor.

 

The Homesick Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m homesick.

Horribly horribly homesick.

Considering I am sitting on my couch watching my TV, this presents a bit of a problem.

The last couple of months I have been pretty mopey. I’ve been a lot busier this semester between classwork and the third job, which means I have had less free time, and less time to see my friends. I feel tired all of the time, and I’ve now entered that sad restless state that has me convinced that not only am I going to die alone as a spinster cat lady, but I am going to do it stuck in a job that I hate, surrounded by people that I hate.

The last time I felt like this I was in a dead end night job, in a miserable relationship, and spending more time alone than interacting with people.

The last time I felt like this, I applied to the University of Edinburgh and moved to Scotland 6 months later.

That was still the best choice I have ever made, but I now find myself incredibly homesick for the life that I had there. I wasn’t working, I lived two doors down from my friends, and a quick walking distance from the others. I walked everywhere, explored everything, and even though I had my heart broken there, I healed there, and really took my time to find myself. It was my first time completely on my own in a new place, and it was just the sort of adventure that I needed.

I can’t seem to recreate that adventure here. I have great friends (some old, most new, some back in my life after a long absence, some who will be in my life for a very long time), but it just isn’t the same. I have to get in my car to see them, try and find time between work, school and homework, and the busy lives and schedules of those around me.

The problem is, I am locked in here. I am making money now, but not enough to pay my bills and live alone, and the program does not allow for study abroad. I have a year and some change before I can actually start working on my dissertation, and the more time I spend alone, the more I wish that I was completing this research in Scotland.

For the last couple of weeks I have been daydreaming about dropping out of the program, packing a bag and my cat, and moving to New Zealand. I miss accents, miss the sense of adventure, miss the person that I was when I was overseas.

This restless, mopey energy has led to drastic changes (haircut anyone?), a lack of sleep, and an intense desire to sleep all day.

I have a lot of good things ahead of me. I have a great research opportunity that will lead to a publication, I am employed (and can almost pay all of my bills), I am making great connections that may lead to a teaching gig, and despite not having insurance, I have been in reasonably good health. The problem is, I can’t seem to focus on all the good stuff. The only thing I can focus on is how badly I want to run away and start a new adventure where no one knows me (preferably a place with free healthcare). Depression is a messy thing, and being run by my stress and depression is even worse.

I’m glad that spring is here and I will be able to sit outside more. Maybe the Vitamin D will help my mood. I’m also going to actually sign up for insurance this weekend. I tried the website, and that didn’t work, but hopefully an agent will be more successful.

Then it will be doc appointments and check-ups galore.

and the hunt for a new therapist….because a few more sessions couldn’t hurt, could they?

 

*On a completely unrelated note, in the middle of typing this there was a small earthquake. I’m home alone, and while the earthquake was small, I am still shaking (pun intended). Looks like the cat and I will be sleeping under the solid wood table tonight, just in case.

The Scamp Gets Overwhelmed

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve become THAT girl.

I’ve become that creepy girl that sits at the back of the room rocking and chewing on her hair.

Yesterday I imploded in the middle of class. One minute I was in class listening to book report presentations, and the next minute I was sobbing uncontrollably and hastily running out of my class before too many people noticed what was going on.

I cried for the next 40 minutes. I cried so hard I gave myself the hiccups. I cried on the phone with the boy, and while he was nice about it, it was not exactly what he should have been doing at 7 pm on a Tuesday. I was a mess. This has been building for months, and it sure chose the worst time to come through. I’m not exactly good with my feelings and emotions. I like to keep things bottled up and pretend that things don’t bother me when they do. For the last few months I have been trying to juggle three jobs, school, homework, a social life and the boy, and my juggling skills have finally run out.

There is a reason that the program told us at the beginning to not be in relationships, to take a sabbatical from work, and to kiss our social lives goodbye. This program sucks the life out of you. It will consume you. The reading, the studying, the writing, the prepping for the qualifying exam, and then for my dissertation….it never ends. I expected it. I knew that I would be busy, I knew that it would be hard, but to be in the middle of it now while trying to juggle other things. While the program was slowly sucking the life out of me, I let myself fall into old habits. The sucky thing is, when I get into these bouts of depression, I tend to ruin relationships. I can already feel myself doing that. Without insurance though, I cannot afford to see a doc, and some of the affordable options have not been a good fit (I guess that is a good enough reason to sign up for insurance).

The problem is, I’m selfish. I may want to quit the program at this very moment, but I am not going to. I may want to quit one or two of my jobs, but I am not going to. The library pays my bills for the moment, I love working with the junior high kids, and the professor I work for is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is also giving me the opportunity to publish, learn, and immerse myself in research. I should not go to SD and see the boy, or hang out with people for happy hour, but I am not going to give those up. I love my friends and family, and I love the boy the best way I know how, and I don’t want to let any of that go.

The problem is, instead of doing everything that I learned to do while I was in therapy in Scotland, I reverted. I don’t know how to keep that from happening. I don’t know how to reconcile what I know I need to do with what I am doing.

Luckily I have some amazing friends and family to help see me through. My BFF has been giving me just the kick in the pants I need (and enough daily reminders that I am not in fact a broken toy) to keep me from crawling too deep into the hole. I’m also getting to the gym and getting some weekly yoga classes that are helping me work off some of the tension, and I am really hoping that I can make a lasting change, rather than just a change I thought was lasting.

I hate admitting that I failed….well not failed, but suffered  a setback. I like to think of myself as strong and perfect, completely capable of taking care of myself, but I am slowly learning in my old age that that might not be the case.

….and that is completely okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhGRjWvnkD0

A Scamp in the Wrong

Posted on by erranteditor

There are few things I hate more than when I am wrong. I pride myself on never being wrong (or being able to talk people in circles until I can convince them I am right).Those lofty delusions of grandeur sometimes come back to bite me.

Today is one of those days.

A year ago I was going through a very rough patch and not coping well. I had been dumped in a cruel way, I hated my job, and I was spending more time alone than with other people. I was getting horrible panic attacks and generally just being plain miserable to everyone. To help me cope, the doctor suggested I take a low dose of an anti-depressant. For the better part of the year, I have generally had good days, and I have not had one panic attack. Because of this, I assumed that it would be okay to stop taking the pills. I take 9 other prescribed pills on a daily basis, and I figured one less in my day wouldn’t be a bad thing. I told David about this, and he told me that I shouldn’t stop taking them because I am better on them than off them. That hurt my feelings. A lot. I hate that I am dependent on the pain pills and the sleeping pills and immune boosting pills to survive my daily life, that I hated the idea that my anti-anxiety pills were no different. I always thought that one day I would be able to stop taking them and life would go back to normal (or at least I would be able to be in a crowded room or not have to sit on an aisle or near a door without feeling like the room is caving in on me). I ended the convo with David very quickly, and went to class still convinced that I know best and there is no reason for me to go back to the doctor to fill the prescription.

As most of my bad ideas, this one came back to bite me in the butt. For the better part of two weeks (about the same amount of time I have been off the pills) I have had strange headaches, and feeling a bit off. Today I had dinner with a large group of people, and I was sandwiched in an odd part of the tables that we had pushed together. I barely made it through dinner when I felt the all too familiar signs of a panic attack creeping on. I don’t know if it was the hot stuffy room, the way I felt trapped between people and tables, or the fact that I am ridiculously tired, but all I do know was five more minutes in there and I would have totally embarrassed myself.

And here is where I admit that I was wrong. Tomorrow I am going to drag my sorry little butt over to the health clinic and have my meds re-filled. I will talk to the doc about maybe working my way off of them one day. Today, it would seem, is not that day.

A Scamp Insured

Posted on by erranteditor

I may be paying off my loan for the rest of my life thanks to the loan that I had to take out to move to Scotland, but I got the best news ever in the form of free healthcare for students living in the UK. This was just the break I needed. I spend a lot of money every month on medications to keep me healthy, and I was worried about how all of that was going to work once I moved across the pond. The even better news is that I have free access to a specialist. My doc here already checked out  specialists in Edinburgh, and has given his okay for any of the ones that I choose that are near the campus. While I joke that this makes my mother very happy, truth is, I am happy too. I know that the tart of this adventure is bound to be stressful, and the stress is usually what triggers a down cycle. I cannot afford a down cycle while I am all alone and a long way from home. I was able to talk to a member of the international office and she has a similar illness and she said that the care she has received so far while living in Scotland has been excellent. That is a good sign for me….I hope. After my recent trip to Ireland, and hearing the cab driver’s horror story about waiting almost 48 hours to see a doctor when he was suffering from major heart damage that has me worried. I know that Scotland and Ireland are two completely different countries, but that story made me feel a little nervous. I’m going to try and be as careful as possible while I am gone.

Now with that taken care of, the only things that I have left to do is pay my tuition and fill out my visa application. The last one is the most of my stress lately. I am hoping that the process goes smoothly, but I have a feeling it is going to be a nightmare. I am trying not to be a negative Nancy about the process, but so far everything has been fairly easy and everyone that I come in contact with has been so helpful and nice, that I can’t help but think that something is going to go wrong. I have been trying to do all I can to make myself an attractive candidate for a visa, but I have heard horror stories about UK visas. I have a friend who offered to help me and answer any questions that I might have. but she has enough going on in her life, that I do not feel it would be fair of me to bother her with questions. Luckily I don’t have to tackle any of those issues today…..but come Monday, that fun boat leaves the dock.