Horribly horribly homesick.
Considering I am sitting on my couch watching my TV, this presents a bit of a problem.
The last couple of months I have been pretty mopey. I’ve been a lot busier this semester between classwork and the third job, which means I have had less free time, and less time to see my friends. I feel tired all of the time, and I’ve now entered that sad restless state that has me convinced that not only am I going to die alone as a spinster cat lady, but I am going to do it stuck in a job that I hate, surrounded by people that I hate.
The last time I felt like this I was in a dead end night job, in a miserable relationship, and spending more time alone than interacting with people.
The last time I felt like this, I applied to the University of Edinburgh and moved to Scotland 6 months later.
That was still the best choice I have ever made, but I now find myself incredibly homesick for the life that I had there. I wasn’t working, I lived two doors down from my friends, and a quick walking distance from the others. I walked everywhere, explored everything, and even though I had my heart broken there, I healed there, and really took my time to find myself. It was my first time completely on my own in a new place, and it was just the sort of adventure that I needed.
I can’t seem to recreate that adventure here. I have great friends (some old, most new, some back in my life after a long absence, some who will be in my life for a very long time), but it just isn’t the same. I have to get in my car to see them, try and find time between work, school and homework, and the busy lives and schedules of those around me.
The problem is, I am locked in here. I am making money now, but not enough to pay my bills and live alone, and the program does not allow for study abroad. I have a year and some change before I can actually start working on my dissertation, and the more time I spend alone, the more I wish that I was completing this research in Scotland.
For the last couple of weeks I have been daydreaming about dropping out of the program, packing a bag and my cat, and moving to New Zealand. I miss accents, miss the sense of adventure, miss the person that I was when I was overseas.
This restless, mopey energy has led to drastic changes (haircut anyone?), a lack of sleep, and an intense desire to sleep all day.
I have a lot of good things ahead of me. I have a great research opportunity that will lead to a publication, I am employed (and can almost pay all of my bills), I am making great connections that may lead to a teaching gig, and despite not having insurance, I have been in reasonably good health. The problem is, I can’t seem to focus on all the good stuff. The only thing I can focus on is how badly I want to run away and start a new adventure where no one knows me (preferably a place with free healthcare). Depression is a messy thing, and being run by my stress and depression is even worse.
I’m glad that spring is here and I will be able to sit outside more. Maybe the Vitamin D will help my mood. I’m also going to actually sign up for insurance this weekend. I tried the website, and that didn’t work, but hopefully an agent will be more successful.
Then it will be doc appointments and check-ups galore.
and the hunt for a new therapist….because a few more sessions couldn’t hurt, could they?
*On a completely unrelated note, in the middle of typing this there was a small earthquake. I’m home alone, and while the earthquake was small, I am still shaking (pun intended). Looks like the cat and I will be sleeping under the solid wood table tonight, just in case.