A Scamp and the Springtime

Today marks the first day of Spring (well, not really in California since it has basically been like summer since last summer). Spring is a time of rebirth, a time to clean out the old and make room for the new.

It is a time for change.

But who gets to determine where the old ends and the new begins? Is it a day on the calendar? A birthday? A new year? Is it an event?

That change, ideally, should be something that gives us hope. It gives a new way to view the world, a new way to view our world. It is about letting go of old habits, bad memories. It becomes vital that we never stop believing that we can start over, that we can create a new beginning. It’s important to remember though that sometimes, amongst all the shit, bad habits, and bad memories are a few things worth holding on to.

I have been saying for the better part of a year that it is time for a change. I’ve been saying it, but the change I am seeking has yet to really happen. I’ve been trying different things, figuring out what works and what doesn’t. I am now one year removed from heartstompapolooza, but I am not quite sure I have changed and matured enough. At times, for every one step forward, I took three steps back. For every little mountain I climbed, I tripped and rolled off a cliff. I’ve been lucky enough to have a good support system to help me through the backsliding, but it leaves me to wonder: why is permanent change so scary?

I was recently asked why I constantly say I am going to change some of the more negative aspects of my personality. but then fail to really do so. That made me think of a quote from one of the Grey’s Anatomy episodes I continually binge on:

 Change… We don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying. 

Anyone who really knows me knows that I hate hurting. I take a lot of medication to keep myself from hurting. I avoid emotions and keep myself closed up to keep from hurting. I stubbornly refuse to change aspects of my personality because I do not want to go through the pain that comes with breaking down old habits, and trying to build new ones (for me, that usually involves a lot of tears, and let’s face it, I am a messy crier).

A year ago, I weathered the pain to make some very necessary changes. I spent the last few months in Scotland happier than I had been in years. I had the help of a professional, but I was finally (and somewhat painfully) learning how to break old habits and change my way of thinking.

Spring means the fast approaching deadline to sign up for insurance.  Even though I am less than thrilled about my options on that front, I am looking forward to having the option to see a professional for more than the four sessions the school gives me to put me back on the track I was on in Scotland.

Because in the end



A Scamp and Summer School

Today was the first day of my Ed.D program….I know, who wants to start school on a Saturday? I dragged my tired butt to CSUF at 8:30 this morning and got to spend the day learning how to write. I learned what a topic sentence was, how to properly use examples and evidence in my work, and what it means to write a “scholarly” piece of work. I got a lecture on how to pick the appropriate loan, and why it is important to use APA citations in my work to demonstrate my brilliance. I will now be reevaluating my teaching style and classroom activities…..since many of my lectures and activities are similar to the ones I did today, and since I wanted to gnaw my own leg off during some of the lectures, I am sure my kids want to do the same when I am in the front of the room.

As long as the day was though, it was nice to have this as a trial run for getting back into the swing of being in the classroom. While it has only been a few months since I was in the classroom, the last couple of weeks have really pulled my focus from my research and from the academic mindset. I also got some very useful tips on writing a literature review, and since that is what I am about to start making an outline for, I feel that I will be better equipped for writing that section. I have a homework assignment to do that will force me to write in a scholarly manner, and I am hoping that that little bit of writing will help me get back into the swing of my dissertation. The children’s literature has been sorely neglected for the last few days.

There is another reason that I am looking forward to getting back in the swing of school though. Lately with all of the late nights, and constant socializing with family and friends I have found myself slipping back into my old negative ways. I’m stressed, and with that has come a hostile attitude that is causing me to flip a shit in public. In the last two weeks I have been in two altercations, one of which I shoved a woman into a chair at a baseball game because she was being bitchy and wouldn’t get out of my way. I haven’t gotten arrested yet, but I do feel like I should not be allowed in public (or at least around drunk people) for a little while if I want that record to stay untarnished. I have been home long enough now that I can no longer use the “I just got back to the US” excuse to justify why I haven’t gotten anything done, or why I would rather sleep in the sun instead of sit at my desk and read articles.

Seeing as I sat in a classroom and had a lot of info thrown at me today, I think I will start the “good student” routine tomorrow.