gratitude

The Scamp and the Post She Never Wanted to Write

Posted on by erranteditor

I really had to psych myself up to write this post. I’ve been living it for almost 2 years, but I keep thinking that if I don’t write it down, then it won’t actually be true. But that’s just a silly little joke that your brain plays on you to deal with a nightmare.

I can still remember the exact moment I called my mom to complain about something stupid happening at the gym. She was distracted and worried and told me she’d been contacted by Matt’s boss, but was waiting for the police to come. Although we tried to pretend it wasn’t going to be as bad as we thought, it was as bad as we thought.

But it was. And I had to call Kelly to tell her that our trio was now a duo.

Matt was my older brother. I didn’t particularly understand him until I turned 18, and then he became one of my best friends. We shared secrets, podcasts, bad TV shows and the occasional edible. We laughed ridiculously hard at our own jokes, fought over who the cat loved more and showed how much we loved each other through mean jokes and memes. He was an amazing Uncle Matt, a good friend, and a brother I am proud of. I am so lucky that he came to see me in July and the last thing I did was hug him and tell him I loved him. My last text to him was a ridiculous comment about walking his cat on a leash, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Today marks the 2-year anniversary of the last time that I saw my brother alive. Before that visit, I hadn’t seen him in person since 2021. He’d slid into a deep depression and was embarrassed about the amount of weight he had gained. A couple of weeks before I got to California, he had finally been honest with my mom about what was going on and decided to make a change. I called him when I got to my parents’ house just to hear his voice. I told him he didn’t have to come see me (my mom was trying to convince him he needed to). We talked about an audiobook that he was listening to that he thought I would enjoy.

The next day, he showed up at my parents’ house to have lunch. I couldn’t believe how he looked. I knew it was bad, but hearing it and seeing it were two different things. When the parental units left, I downloaded WhatsApp onto his phone and told him that he couldn’t go months without texting.

He did make good on that promise. I still have the chats on my phone. About a month later, he was getting ready to move to Washington. He did what he always did and tried to do the drive all in one go. He fell asleep at the wheel, and the rest is history.

The next month was a blur. I dropped everything to fly back to California and then drove 12 hours to pick up Matt’s ashes and collect his things. The nicest thing that anyone has ever done for me came at the towing yard. Technically, they are not allowed to touch anything in the truck, so I was going to have to face the wreckage and get his things, but when we got to the yard, they had pulled everything out, so we didn’t have to. That simple act of kindness is something that I cannot really properly put into words.

When he picked up his ashes, I refused to let them out of my sight until we got home.

The month I spent in California was spent all day on the phone tracking down landlords, calling banks, and repeating the same story over and over until I just said the words without thinking. Although he would have hated it, we had a memorial. The number of people who came to share their stories of Matt was incredible. For someone who was basically a hermit, he had so many people who loved him. I saw people that I hadn’t seen in 20 years, and my mom heard stories that she probably didn’t need to know.

Matt wanted to be left in the woods to be eaten by a bear, but my mom said no, so we buried his ashes under a tree near the lake.

In true ironic fashion, the tree was cut down a week later.

I brought some of Matt’s ashes back to Scotland with me and tried to give him a little Viking funeral, complete with a boat and fire. It failed spectacularly, but I think Matt would have laughed at it.

I listen to Dungeon Crawler Carl almost every day because that was the last thing he was listening to. He was right, it is the type of book that I would enjoy. I taught his cat how to be social and adapt to a world without his boy. I learned to live with grief and the little piece of me that will always be missing.

I don’t know what I thought this post would be, but maybe it was just helpful to get it out of my head. I will end it with this:

Matt was forced to grow up in a house full of women. If we went to a museum or were on a tour, and the three girls went left, he went right.

He had terrible taste in TV shows. He had great taste in books and podcasts. For over 20 years, he never let me forget that I once asked how long a 24-hour fitness was open. After 18 years in the same routine, he was finally about to make a better life for himself.

Matthew Dean Wilder was an amazing big brother. We didn’t always get along or spend enough time together, but he was, and always will be, one of my favourite humans.

Matthew Dean Wilder

March 21, 1985-August 28, 2023

The Scamp Goes Home

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After my less-than-relaxing holiday in Majorca, I made my annual trip to California. I try to go to California every year in July, when the weather is warm and my workload is the lowest.

I needed this holiday. I was burned out at work and in desperate need of a tan. Little did I know that this trip home would be one of the most important of my life.

The sun and the heat were great. I was there for the 4th of July, which meant the annual parade in the town where my parents live. I helped my mom clean out her closets and found all kinds of photos from when I was a kid. I even crashed my parents’ anniversary dinner for the third year in a row.

One of the best things about being in California in July is that I also get to celebrate my nephew’s birthday. I make him a whatever kind of cake he wants, and we usually go to the aquarium so that he can see sharks and feed the birds.

I made time this trip to have breakfast with my first friend. We’ve known each other since we were 5, and it was nice to catch up on life and talk about all the people that we grew up with. Although my life took a very different path, she is still friends with a lot of the people I grew up with, so it is nice for me to hear about how all of them are doing.

The most meaningful part of this trip though, was the chance to have lunch with my brother. He had all but disappeared for years. He told my mom he was busy with work and wouldn’t come to holidays or be able to visit when I came to town. Before this visit, I hadn’t seen him in person in over 2 years. In reality, he was super depressed and had gained a lot of weight. He was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. A few months before I visited, he had finally come clean to my mom and was making changes. He was never very good at texting back, but he called me to chat about a book series he was reading that he thought I would like. I told him he didn’t have to come visit, but he decided to put his feelings aside and come see me for lunch.

I forced him to download Whatsapp in front of me and while my parents went to pick up lunch, I made him promise that he wouldn’t hide anymore. He had to text me and he couldn’t go a month without a text. We watched stupid videos and talked about books, and after lunch, I gave him a hug, told him I loved him and he left.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that would be the last time that I saw him. Less than a month later, I would be back in California so that I could collect his ashes and help my mom sort out all of the things that come with someone dying suddenly. I will forever be grateful that my last words to him out loud were that I loved him and was happy he made the drive to see me.

The Scamp at the Elephant Jungle Sanctuary, Chiang Mai

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This was the best part of the trip for me, and the best way to end a crappy year. My guide set it up for me when I got to the city, and a somewhat questionable van picked me up the day after the tattoo. I was carefully wrapped and protected from the sun and set off into the jungle to visit the Elephant Jungle Sanctuary. The sanctuary is different from most of the touristy places because the elephants have all been rescued from terrible situations, and rather than ride them, you give them a spa day. Founded in 2014, they pride themselves on how well they love and care for their elephants. The whole thing was amazing from start to finish and an elephant mud bath does wonders for the soul. I did not want to leave, and still dream about little Ellie, the baby of the group.

Elephants love bananas and hay and are so friendly. They are so much bigger in person and getting in the river with them was a bit scary at first. The best part of this process is that they do this every day, so when they are done with the mud bath, they just get up and move on to the creek to wash off. When they feel they are clean enough, they leave the creek and go back to their waiting area. They are not penned and roam through the camps as they want. The sanctuary also takes photos so that no one misses out on the spa photo ops.

When I returned to the city, I thought about just staying in my hotel room and watching a movie. The city is really safe, so I decided to take the walk to the centre of town and watch the New Years show and send 2022 out on a positive note.

I enjoyed some street food and a lot of different types of ice cream, including honey ice cream made from fresh honey. The show had different performers and a lantern festival where people release their problems into the sky so that they can start the new year fresh. The countdown to the new year was done by the mayor and some other important city figures.

Getting out of the city centre was tough with all the people trying to leave through one gate, and there were a couple of moments that freaked me out given that I don’t do well in large crowds. There was a very nice couple behind me that helped me get through without too much of a panic, and then I had just enough wifi at the hotel to call my parents and tell them that 2022 did in fact end, and I was in fact alive.

I thought 2023 was going to be a good year having survived the death of a second brother, but the universe had other ideas.

The Scamp in Israel Day 4

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On the bus bright and early for a trip to Caesarea, a coastal area between Tel Aviv and Haifa. It is a national park on the coast that features ancient ruins including the old palace, an amphitheatre still used for concerts today, and an old chariot racing area. It was all built by King Herod . Just outside the park is Adquaduct Beach, where you can enjoy not only an amazing beach but the marvel of the aqueduct. It was warm and there was a total lack of shade, but I love a good wander through history. Rafi has a way of telling you things like they are a story rather than just listing off facts, but the number of annoying questions asked by one of the men in the group caused me to disengage a bit and just soak up the sunshine on my own.

From there we travelled north to the city of Haifa, often called the ‘Capital of the North’. We stopped at the Bahai Gardens, which are considered one of the holiest places for the Bahai faith.

Before we arrived at the gardens, I’d never heard of the Bahai religion. It has been a while since the tour, and I did not write everything down as it happened, so I went to good old Wikipedia to help me out. According to them, Bahai:

The Baháʼí Faith is a religion founded in the 19th century that teaches the essential worth of all religions and the unity of all people. Established by Baháʼu’lláh, it initially developed in Iran and parts of the Middle East, where it has faced ongoing persecution since its inception. The religion is estimated to have 5–8 million adherents, known as Baháʼís, spread throughout most of the world’s countries and territories.

The Baháʼí Faith has three central figures: the Báb (1819–1850), considered a herald who taught his followers that God would soon send a prophet who would be similar to Jesus or Muhammad and was executed by the Iranian authorities in 1850; Baháʼu’lláh (1817–1892), who claimed to be that prophet in 1863 and faced exile and imprisonment for most of his life; and his son, ʻAbdu’l-Bahá (1844–1921), who was released from confinement in 1908 and made teaching trips to Europe and the United States. After ʻAbdu’l-Bahá’s death in 1921, the leadership of the religion fell to his grandson Shoghi Effendi (1897–1957). Baháʼís annually elect local, regional, and national Spiritual Assemblies that govern the religion’s affairs, and every five years an election is held for the Universal House of Justice, the nine-member supreme governing institution of the worldwide Baháʼí community that is located in Haifa, Israel, near the Shrine of the Báb.

According to Baháʼí teachings, religion is revealed in an orderly and progressive way by a single God through Manifestations of God, who are the founders of major world religions throughout human history; Buddha, Jesus, and Muhammad are noted as the most recent of these before the Báb and Baháʼu’lláh. Baháʼís regard the world’s major religions as fundamentally unified in purpose, but diverging in terms of social practices and interpretations. The Baháʼí Faith stresses the unity of all people as its core teaching and explicitly rejects notions of racism, sexism, and nationalism. At the heart of Baháʼí teachings is the goal of a unified world order that ensures the prosperity of all nations, races, creeds, and classes.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bah%C3%A1%CA%BC%C3%AD_Faith

After some time to see the garden, we headed southeast to Nazareth. Now those of you who are familiar with the Bible will be really familiar with Nazareth. It is the centre of Christian pilgrimages and the birthplace of Mary. It is the home of the Church of Annunciation.

The Church of Annunciation is a really interesting church. It is said to be built on the spot where the Angel Gabriel came to Mary to tell her that she would give birth to Yeshua. The church was built over the site that is said to be the house of Mary (the photo of the altar) and what is said to be Joseph’s workshop. I made friends with the local cats and tried my best to get a kitten into my bag, but he was not quite ready to give up his life hustling tourists for snacks.

The last stop of the day was in the city of Tiberias on the shore of the Sea of Galilee. I had a room with a view….but broke the balcony door when I tried to open it, and had two slightly disgruntled men spend 30 minutes in my room trying to fix it. Luckily my room was connected to my parent’s room, so I just opened the connecting door and hung out in their room while I waited. I swear it was not my fault.

Since we were there for Shabbos, we had a traditional Shabbat dinner, complete with prayers. Now, I’m not super religious by any means, but I do respect the tradition, and I was on a cultural holiday, so more than willing to embrace everything.

….and this is where the problems started. My mom and I were the only Jewish people on the tour, so we had to endure a lot of cultural ignorance. Because it was Saturday, the lifts were in shabbos mode, which means they stop on every floor so that people do not have to push the buttons and ‘do work’ which is prohibited on Saturdays. There were Hasidic and Conservative Jews staying at the hotel, and they take their customs seriously. I ended up sitting next to a woman from Kentucky who was travelling alone. She started the dinner by complaining about the lift being in Shabbos mode and dragging the tradition. She then complained about the rooms, having asked to change rooms three times. She complained about the bar not having bartenders who spoke English (everyone I encountered on the entire trip spoke enough English to help with whatever we needed) and then complained that she couldn’t get a gin and tonic. I tried to explain that Jewish people aren’t really spirit drinkers and that for Shabbos we drink wine, but since it wasn’t expensive white wine, she wasn’t having it. I tried my best to educate her on Judaism and remind her that just because she found aspects of the religion inconvenient, didn’t mean that they weren’t worth respecting. I left the dinner early because I spent all day being respectful of Christian sites of worship, and this woman couldn’t spend half an hour learning about my religion. Sometimes it is exhausting being Jewish and constantly having to deal with ignorance, antisemitism (not that what she was doing was antisemitism), and stereotypes that get hurled at you. Living in Scotland, I constantly hear that I am the first Jewish person that someone has met, and I am nothing like they thought a Jewish person would look or act like.

The best part of the hotel was that the places in the area fed the local feral cats, so there were plenty of little gatitos to pet. I found yet another that I wanted to bring home with me….at least until he bit me when I tried to pet him instead of feed him.

The Scamp Goes on an Adventure: Day 5 and 6

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By day 5 I was tired. I’d walked, I’d explored, I’d eaten, and I needed to rest. I stayed inside most of the day and watched Netflix and wrote in my adventure diary. In the afternoon, I did my favourite thing: I got tattooed. I went to Dot and Daggers Tattoo (https://www.dotsanddaggers.com/) and they were able to fit me in last minute. I’d booked in a session with them in November, but it got cancelled when they went back into lockdown. The shop was my favourite type of shop: good music, friendly staff and amazing artwork. I got a hummingbird skull and some flowers to go with the desert happening on my arm. It was worth every second.

My last day in the city was a sunny and warmish day, so I spent the day in the park. But not just any park. The park at the Schönbrunn Palace. This was the summer palace for the Habsburgs. According to Wikipedia:

The 1,441-room Rococo palace is one of the most important architectural, cultural, and historic monuments in the country. The history of the palace and its vast gardens spans over 300 years, reflecting the changing tastes, interests, and aspirations of successive Habsburg monarchs. It has been a major tourist attraction since the mid-1950s.

I bought a new duck and ended the day finding an old mosaic of a cow and a wolf playing backgammon. According to Atlas Obscura:

IN THE 15TH CENTURY, ENEA Silvio Bartolomeo Piccolomini, better known later in life as Pope Pius II, described all the fine houses of Vienna as being painted inside and out with fabulous scenery. Like the marginalia found in illuminated manuscripts, the houses would have featured religious and historic portraiture, along with some humorous imagery for good measure.

These medieval murals have mostly been destroyed by time, but one, of the humorous variety, can be seen today on a house in Vienna’s historic center. The facade of the Hasenaus (“Hare House”) features a wolf and a cow in spectacles engaged in a game of backgammon. Behind the board are the legs of a man, who appears to be holding a fly swatter, perhaps to attend to the players.

One explanation for this absurd scene is that it is an allegory for the political tensions between Protestants and Catholics. It’s not clear who’s winning. Others have suggested that the man behind the game is a furrier eagerly awaiting the conclusion of the game so he can take the hide of the loser.

The wall painting dates approximately to 1509. The house would have been originally been covered with scenes of medieval life, in particular one large motif of a rabbit hunt (hence the name). But when it was refurbished in the 18th century, all but the backgammon game was lost. Luckily, it has been carefully preserved so that Viennese and visitors alike can admire it, wondering what it’s supposed to mean. 

The mural was down an unassuming side street, and I am glad that I detoured to find it. I returned to Scotland feeling like I’d had proper time off, got some good culture and allowed myself to separate from my work for a bit. It was a really good way to end my 34th year.

Totally ready for the next adventure. s

The Scamp Goes on An Adventure

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For the first time since 2018, I actually went on holiday that wasn’t California and wasn’t in the UK! I’ve been trying to get away since Nov 2021, but lockdowns and Covid mean having to be flexible. Instead of a Thanksgiving holiday, I snuck away to celebrate my last week of being 34.

I’ve been really struggling since 2018. The end of the PhD, the horrible viva and rewrites, and then the pandemic have really done a lot to corrode my already tenuous mental health. That coupled with isolation, no travel and a stressful work environment have left me pretty burnt out. I haven’t been writing for fun, haven’t been writing for work, and haven’t done a whole lot to help myself become an adult.

To sort myself out, I decided to head to Vienna for a week. I’ve never been to Austria, and there are a lot of great places to visit that are only an hour by train or bus….and I just needed out of the UK.

I booked a stay at the Student House Vienna. This is a hotel/student dorm. It was fantastic. The people were friendly, I couldn’t hear the people living above me or next to me, and it was right next to the metro, so it was easy to get to city centre.

The first thing I did was buy a week’s pass for the U-Bahn so that I did not have to walk if I did not want to. My first stop was the Museum of Modern Art. According to the museum’s website:

With its collections based on Pop Art and Photorealism, Fluxus and Nouveau Réalisme as well as Viennese Actionism, the mumok combines highlights of societal and reality-related art as well as performance art of the 20th century. The collection comprises around 9,000 works: paintings, sculptures, installations, drawings, graphics, photos, videos, films, architectural models and furniture.

https://www.wien.info/en/sightseeing/museums-exhibitions/top/mq/museum-modern-art-352902

The museum did not disappoint. Pop art is the type of art I enjoy the most, and the gallery had so many floors to wander about. I actually wandered the museum without a murder podcast playing in my ears and it was nice to have a bit of silence.

The next place that I went was the Natural History Museum. According to their website:

The Natural History Museum preserves, expands, researches and presents its extensive biological, geological, anthropological and archaeological collections in a building designed as a total work of art. It conveys the diversity of nature, the evolution of planet earth and life as well as the associated cultural development of humans and offers an inspiring meeting place where dialogue and exchange between science and society take place.

https://www.nhm-wien.ac.at/museum/leitbild_mission

It is a stunning museum, the building is amazing and everything is presented so well. It is also like a maze. There are so many rooms and corridors that at one point, I was glad that I had a granola bar in my purse.

Naturhistorisches Museum
Dino pals
Mineral collection

There was something really nice about wandering the city, not being sat on my couch all day, and not emotionally eating because I am sad and feeling stuck. Even the GPS gods smiled on me and kept me right the entire time. Vienna is really easy to navigate and I have the directional sense of a bee in a paper bag, so being outside, walking, and not once getting lost made me really happy. I even navigated the metro like I knew what I was doing, and I love any time that I can feel a bit less like a tourist. I ended the day with my favourite thing: cake. There was a market in the metro station, so I was able to get nibbles and eat in the dorm at the end of the day. I was not 100% keen on eating out alone, so being able to get a salad and water and amazing bread. It was a great start to the vacation.

The Scamp’s Cooking Corner

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While I have stuck to trying out new recipes each week, I have not been great about posting the results each week. The last one was a disaster, looked like cat food. Unfortunately, the week after that was not a winner either. I thought I’d try my hand at baking. I used to be a good baker, award-winning even. I probably am still a good baker, but I got way too ambitious with the recipe. I’m going to share it though in case anyone wants to try it. This comes from Shalean LaBerge on Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/p/CYKTZ0NpBlJ/)

Funfetti Cookie & Cake Batter Blondies 🍰

1 pack Funfetti cookie dough
1 box Funfetti cake mix
1 egg beaten
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup chopped white chocolate
1/4 cup rainbow sprinkles
9-12 golden Oreos

Preheat oven to 350F and grease the bottom of a 9×9 glass pan (or line with parchment paper). Spread the Funfetti cookie dough mix to the bottom of the pan then top with 9-12 golden Oreos and set aside. In a mixing bowl, combine Funfetti cake mix with the vegetable oil and milk. Add in the white chocolate and sprinkles. Pour the beaten egg into the batter and mix until just incorporated. Pour the batter into the pan on top of the golden Oreo layer. Cover with foil and bake for 25 minutes on the center rack. Remove the foil, turn the pan around and lower the oven to 325F. Continue to bake for an additional 25 minutes. At this point, the edges should be golden brown and the center slightly lighter in color. Cover only the edges of the pan with foil and bake for 10 more minutes. Remove from the oven and allow to cool COMPLETELY in the pan before slicing (2-3 hours).

Tip: after the total bake time, a toothpick entered into the center should come out almost clean (not wet but not completely clean) because it will finish baking outside the oven while cooling in the pan)

I had to make my own funfetti icing, but I found unicorn sprinkles and all kinds of colourful bits and bobs to use with vanilla frosting. Mine did not look anywhere near as pretty as the video shared on Instagram, but it didn’t taste too bad. I had fun making it though, and might go back to the baking that I was good at as a kid, cookies. They are a lot easier to make then a cookie, cake, brownie mix.

The Scamp’s Cooking Corner

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This one should actually be called the failed cooking corner. The big huge it looked like cat vomit instead of sauce fail.

I somehow ended up with a bag full of shallots when I did my last grocery order, and for the life of me, I can’t remember if I’ve ever cooked with a shallot. I did what any good researcher would do and took to the internet to try and find a good recipe that would allow me to use some of my shallots.

You’ll never guess what I found…..an entire recipe dedicated to the use of shallots. I picked one that seemed easy: Caramelised shallot pasta. Seemed easy enough, and the shopping list was simple.

Ingredients:

60ml olive oil

8 round shallots, sliced very thinly

2 garlic cloves, finely chopped

Salt and pepper, to taste

1 tsp chilli flakes

25g anchovy fillets (about 6 anchovies), drained but not rinsed

100g finely chopped sundried tomatoes

12 green olives, sliced

500g bucatini (or another type of pasta)

40g Parmesan

Small bunch of fresh parsley, finely chopped

Instructions

Heat the olive oil in a large heavy-bottomed saucepan over medium high heat. Add the shallots and thinly sliced garlic, season with salt and pepper. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the shallots have become totally softened and caramelized with golden-brown fried edges, a solid 15 to 20 minutes.

Add chilli flakes, anchovies, sundried tomatoes and olives. Stir well and cook for a further 4 minutes.

Meanwhile, fill another large pot with salted water and bring to a boil. Add the bucatini and cook according to the package instructions. Save about 2 ladles of pasta water when draining.

Add the cooked pasta to the pan of sauce. Slowly begin to pour in the remaining pasta water and toss to combine with the sauce. Continue adding a little bit of the water at a time to help loosen up the sauce and coat all of the pasta.

Plate the pasta and top with Parmesan and fresh parsley.

I went to the big Tesco near my house and picked up everything that I didn’t already have in my pantry. It has now become a bit of a fun ritual for me: finding the recipes, going to the shop, listening to a podcast as I browse the aisles. This time it was Sweet Bobby (which is a story for another day, because damn, that is one ridiculous story). I came home and washed everything that needed to be washed and prepped everything according to the instructions.

Except I made one crucial mistake when I was ear deep in a crazy 10 year catfish saga: I bought sardines instead of anchovies. Even worse, I didn’t notice I’d made this error until after I added it to everything else. Instead of a sauce, I got cat vomit city.

Cat vomit disguised as part of the caramelised shallot pasta.

Let’s just say, you can’t mistake sardines and anchovies.

Me, learning after making the fatal mistake

The only good part of this was that I hadn’t mixed the pasta in yet, so dinner wasn’t totally wasted. Butter, garlic powder, mixed herbs and the fresh parm saved the day. I sent the photos to the family group chat, had a good laugh and crossed this recipe off the list of the success stories. I guess when I had the idea to try a recipe a week, I thought they would all be a success story. The first couple worked out so well. I got cocky. I started to believe that maybe I wasn’t hopeless at cooking.

There is one thing I can say with confidence though: I still do not know how to cook a shallot.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: January 5th

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Call Me Ishmael
Take the first sentence from your favourite book and make it the first sentence of your post.

I was going to use my all-time favourite book, but ‘When he was nearly thirteen, my brother Jem got his arm badly broken at the elbow‘ doesn’t leave me with a lot to go on since I do not tend to post the fiction that I write here. I went to my second favourite book, but ‘Crouched in the closet, he waited for the sounds of her arrival’ wasn’t much better. Third time lucky though.

I feel sometimes, I’ve lived THREE lives. That’s not true….it is probably more like four. There was the first 26 years of my life. That was the Kim who thought she was going to be a lawyer, then a writer then spent over 10 years working in libraries. She had a lot of friends, two significant romantic relationships and was diagnosed with Lupus at the age of 22.

Then there was Scotland Part 1 Kim. She had a wonderful adventure, got accepted to one of the best universities in the world, and got to live out her dream of living overseas. She was happy, she was loved, and she never wanted to go home. This is the Kim who started this blog.

Then there was the transition back to the US Kim. She was depressed, suffering reverse culture shock, and trying to plan a new life that did not include the person she thought she was going to marry. She ended up in a horrible EdD programme and found herself not only being bullied but being kicked out of the university for something so outrageous that it is now hilarious.

Finally, there was Scotland Part 2 Kim. She earned a PhD, made some friends, lost some friends, and although the pandemic is making her hate life a bit, she is doing a job she is good at, has been all over the world, and has a much better understanding of how to use a hair straightener.

I don’t know if this will be my last life, or if I will be like a cat and have 9 of them. Maybe in my next life I will own a rescue farm where I take in all of the animals and let them live out their days in the Scottish countryside. I’m still two years away from being able to get permanent settlement in the UK, and I’m still crossing my fingers that maybe one day it will be Scottish citizenship rather than British citizenship. Maybe I’ll be able to live somewhere warm in the winter months, somewhere with a beach. Maybe I will actually pass the UK driving test….I mean, a girl can dream, right?

The first line is from To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.

The second line is from Savage Art by Danielle Girard.

The line I ultimately went with is the start of Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain

The Scamp Starts Again

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2022.

Or, 2020 part 2. It feels like forever ago since I was explaining Post Malone and BTS to my dad as we waited for the ball to drop on 2019 and start 2020. That was the first New Years I’d spent in California since I was 27. Little did I know that would be the last bit of normal that I would have for 2+ years. The pandemic kicked my butt so hard that I stopped writing for fun. I literally shelved the blog for the most part because there was no travelling and no fun in my life.

and there are only so many ways you can say you are depressed and that you hate life. I made a list of the 20 things I wanted to do in 2020, which became the 21 things I wanted to do in 2021, which is now going to become the 22 things I want to in 2022. I’m also bringing back the daily writing prompts as I think being told what to write will help me on the days that I just can’t get my creative juices flowing. I’m still putting together a list of things that I can actually do and not ignore for the year, so while I think about that, I will go with the daily prompt for today.

Although, I am not sure it is really something I wanted to have on the internet, but here goes:

Where were you last night when 2020 turned into 2021? Is that where you’d wanted to be?

I spent last night at home, alone. I watched bad movies and generally just moped about being alone. Everyone I would want to spend the night with are either in another country, isolating, or had to work and didn’t celebrate. If I had my way, I’d be in another country on an adventure. I booked a trip in November to Austria, Czechia and Slovakia, but they went back into lockdown the day before I was due to leave. I’d have loved to be able to do that trip over Christmas/New Years, but alas, the furthest I’ve travelled in two months is the airport to get to the vaccination centre.

If I couldn’t be on an adventure with my travel bestie, then being able to be out in the city centre surrounded by people, judging the bad outfits, drinking all of the rum would be perfect. The last time I did that was 2018. It was fun, I was with people I love and we did a lot of fun. That is what I miss. Having fun. Being around people. The pandemic is lonely. My life before the pandemic was lonely. PhD life is not for the faint of heart.

Now that a new year has started and I am dedicated to trying to be less of a sad sack. The new list will be made, and I tried online dating during the pandemic, so there will forthcoming stories about the disastrous dates that I went on. Hopefully the year has started off as well as can be for everyone and maybe, just maybe, 2022 won’t be part of a horrible Covid trilogy.