The Scamp at 400

It has been exactly one year and four months since 300. I’m quite impressed with myself that I have made it this far in the process. I’m not very good at sticking to projects, but I have stuck to this one for the last 5 years. I do the weekly challenges to keep me writing, but truth be told, this blog has been a good form of therapy for me.

I’ve been sitting on this post for a few days because my 300th post was so full of hope and so upbeat. I wrote that post on my last day in the US. I was ready for my fresh start, ready for my life in Scotland to help me forget about the horrible two years I had in California. I was under the delusion that leaving my problems in California meant that I would be free of them.

Boy was I wrong. If I have learned anything in the last year and some change, it is that you can’t run from your problems if you really want them to be resolved. I avoided therapy for awhile, and my depression got the better of me. I’m working on getting better, but it is a slow road for sure.

So while I have been sitting here at a loss for what to write about for the big 400, I started thinking about loss. It seems like loss has been on my mind a lot lately. When I read my 300th post again, I was sad to realize that I had lost the exuberance and go-get-em attitude that I had about starting my life here. I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how I feel, and giving into my depression. It has wrecked my productivity, my ability to socialize, and even kept me in a relationship that should have ended awhile ago.

I’ve lost that naivete that being in my favourite city means that all my problems would disappear. I realize know that while I may have worked through some of my issues, there is a lot I still need to work though, and just like the meds I take to keep me going, I can’t stop going to therapy when I feel better.

I feel like I have lost a lot of time.

That wasn’t the only loss I have been thinking about though. We are fast approaching the one year anniversary of my step-brother’s death. While his death was actually a release from his alcoholism, and something that the family had been expecting for a few years, it was still a shift in the family dynamics. My dad is the only person who was still in contact with him, I gave up on him five or six years ago, and it broke him. I think my mom still feels some guilt that she was in Edinburgh with me when it happened, but because my dad doesn’t talk about it much, it is hard to really say how he is doing. When I think about Eric, there is not one memory I have of him that did not involve him being drunk or strung out on drugs. I remember him ruining toasts at a wedding with his drunken shouting, being carried out of another wedding because he kept falling and knocking things over. I was always embarrassed by him. Always. I chose not to mourn his loss, even though it destroyed my dad.

family 1

This is the last picture that we have all together, and we are still missing our oldest brother. Eric is behind me on the right. This photo was taken seven years ago. He was drunk. This year my mom and I will be taking my dad to Paris so that he doesn’t have to spend Thanksgiving alone thinking about the death of his middle born son.

I can only hope that it works.

When I think about not mourning the loss of my brother, I think about a loss that I mourn everyday. 20 years ago my grandma died in a car crash. I can’t remember the sound of her voice, but I can remember that I had gone out to get the mail and by the time I got back my mother had heard the message from my grandpa that she was gone.

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She was fashion plate. She loved everything in excess. She was a drug addict, compulsive gambler, and constantly obsessed over her weight, but to me she was just Grammy Fran. She was the one who took us to Hamburger Hamlet and had zebra print carpet in her TV room. She was the one who shared her love of Hummingbirds with us, and made sure that my mom could keep  roof over our heads when my biological father abused her and took everything but the $25 dollars she had in her wallet, and my brother, the wombmate and me. I have some of her purses and jewelry, and I cannot smell Red Door without thinking about her, but there is just so much I wish she had been around for. She would have loved coming to visit me here, would have had some very creative suggestions for how to handle the dude who cheated on me and broke my heart, and probably would have tried to set me up with the son of one of the women in her Mahjong club. Chances are he would have been a nice Jewish boy, most likely a doctor,and probably close to retirement age.

I still remember when she tried to set my mom up with a really creepy old guy that lived in the same conodo complex in Palm Springs….my poor mother. She was maybe 37 and this dude was 60 with a beer gut and hair in his ears. I’m sure she meant well though.

There is another loss that I feel quite hard all the time. That is the loss of my family. I am not around them all the time, I miss out on dinners, holidays, and moments with my little man.

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I mean, I was pretty dumb for moving 5,400 miles from this face. When I was in California for the wedding at the end of September, I did not even notice my depression. Granted, I had something planned everyday, did not get as much work done as I wanted, and was on major holiday mode, but it was nice to be around everyone again. I still have lingering feelings that I will become irrelevant in their lives, and end up here alone a crazy cat lady….minus the cats.

I think what I can learn from the last year and change is that I still have a lot of work to do, and I still have time to make some real changes before I turn 30. In just five short months I get to close the door on my 20s, and I cannot wait to be able to say that I survived a very trying ten years of my life. Who knows where I will be when I get to number 500.

Hopefully I’ll be on a tropical island with a fruity drink that has an umbrella with a hot cabana boy fanning me with a giant fan.

Hey, a girl can dream, right?

The Scamp and Her Bumper

On Monday whilst I was on my way to meet my sister, a woman in an SUV decided that she really liked the back seat of my car, so she drove through my trunk into it. While she tried to nestle her front bumper in my back seat (feel free to make all the inappropriate sex jokes you want), she pushed me forward into a van. It took me a good thirty second to realize what had happened. When I drove through the intersection it was clear my poor little Civic was hurt. I could hear the scraping sound, and when I parked, the guy in the van I hit looked at me with pity. In her efforts to get into the back seat of my car, the woman in the SUV ripped my bumper completely off my car. The guy in the van pulled the bumper from under the frame and shoved it into the back seat of my car (oddly enough, not the strangest thing that has ever been in there)

 

10459930_10152021018221887_4165453245152724532_nYep….that is my bumper. The guy made a joke about keeping it as a souvenir, but I mean, really….where would I put it?

After all of the insurance exchanges, a chat with a cop and a phone call to my mother, I came to the realization that I no longer have a car. I did what I always do at times like these….I cried. The other people involved were all perfectly composed, and tried their best to comfort me, but my tear ducts were not having it. It was after the info exchange that the woman apologized over and over again and told me that she looked down to see what time it was and never noticed that I stopped because the van in front of me stopped.

She then got back into her car and told me when she hit me it caused her lunch to fly all over her car. My trunk and bumper were in the back seat of my car, my driver side door wouldn’t open, and everything from my purse and ipod to the open can of soda in my cup holder was strewn about my car.

Needless to say, as much as I appreciated that she didn’t want to leave me until my parents arrived, I really wanted her to leave so I didn’t punch her.

10386288_10152021018156887_8511330899686504863_nThis is the last way I will ever see my car. Yesterday she got hauled to a collision center where the mechanic told my dad I would be car shopping soon.

This was not the way I thought I would be getting a new car. The Civic was a really great car. I thought I could drive it for another 5 or 6 years and then be in a position to buy an actual new car. Since it is (was) a 2001, I am not holding much hope for a big payout. I need a car though, and without being able to afford a monthly payment, I am going to have to really settle for something just to be able to make my commuter lifestyle work.

I know that it will all work out in the end, and I know that I am very lucky that I only had a little neck pain, but it is still devastating to me that I lost my pal of 5 years. We had a lot of really good adventures, carried a lot of interesting things, and had no major mechanical issues. She served me well and did not deserve to go out this way.

Rest in pieces Cesily the Civic 2008-2014

 

43 days until the qualifying exam.

Summer school still sucks, but there is only four weeks left.

I can handle just about anything for four weeks…..right?