negativity | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 6

Posted on February 7, 2016 by erranteditor

In 30 days I will say goodbye 28 and hello to 29. I’m excited about it. 28 was an amazing year for me, and I am finally headed in the right direction. It took me ten years to become comfortable with who I am, and every year I get closer to 30, is a year I figure my shit out.

Or, at least, that is what I tell myself.

The challenge for this week is to write about something I would like to change about myself. I think that on any given day there is a lot that I would like to change about myself. I’d love it if I wasn’t so tired all the time. I’d love it if I had a little more motivation to sit down and write without super strict deadlines. I’d love it if I wasn’t swimming in debt. That last one isn’t really something that I can change about myself. Plus, that debt got me to Scotland, so as much as I stress about it, it really is a good thing.

I guess the one thing that I would change about myself is my negativity. When I’m tired, when I am stressed, when things don’t go the way I want them to with other people, I go right to the dark and twisty. I automatically think the worst, and those thoughts spiral out of control every now and then. I know that I am a major pain in the ass for my friends, family, and the boyfriend every now and then. I would love it if I could override the part of my brain that automatically makes me see the world as glass half empty. Therapy has done a lot to help with it, but for some reason my brain is resisting the new programming. I hope that it is one of the things that I can change before I turn 30. I think I am going to need a lot more therapy to help with that though.

While I ponder the nature of my negativity and how to fix it, I have 12 days before I head back to the United States for the birth of my nephew and the wedding of one of the besties. I’m excited for those events, and to see my family, but I have no real desire to be back in the United States. A seven month break just does not seem to be long enough. It will be interesting to see how I fare once I am there. Hopefully I don’t take the wind and rain with me. I could really use some sunshine.

The Scamp and Distraction

Posted on October 27, 2013 by erranteditor

I had a rough week. Even now I should be working on my paper, but the lure of Netflix and my blog has me stalled at three pages of the five I was hoping to do tonight. My inability to focus is stressing me out, and not even a trip to the gym today made me feel better. I have found myself stuck in my own head, and feeling a lot like I did when I was living in San Diego and working nights. The last time I felt like this, I pushed away a relationship, applied to school in another country, and alienated myself from my friends. This time, I am picking fights with the boy (when I should be focusing my attention elsewhere and not taking that so seriously), counting down the days until I can get back to Scotland, and feeling gloomy about the fact that all of my friends live either in different parts of the state, or in different parts of the world. Instead of tackling my list f things to do (and do everything that I learned from my therapist in Scotland), I am stewing in my negativity and getting very frustrated with everything and everyone around me.

In an effort to shake the feelings, and to get out of my own head, I put this aside for an hour and put the finishing touches on a presentation for the philosophy class. A few weeks ago I expressed my extreme dislike of Horace Mann and his theory of the perfect educational system. As part of the course, we had to write a scenario of a problem in higher education. Working with a partner, we then had to pick another group’s scenario and try to work out a solution to the problem using the philosophical theory of one of the men (and so far they have all been men). I like the assignment. A lot of the case scenarios presented interesting problems, and I snagged a fantastic partner with a sense of humor and a strong work ethic. We decided that it would make for the perfect presentation if we used Horace Mann as our muse. This will no doubt make the class laugh, as the last time I had to discuss Mann, I talked about his Fantasyland view of education, and the improbability of his model ever producing the results he envisioned. In essence, I was labeled a Mann hater (I seriously just made that up right now, and I am totally tickled by it) by the class, so no one would expect me to use his philosophy to unpack a scenario.

I would love to say that the time spent with Mann has given me a change of heart about him and his theories.

Sorry to disappoint, but it has not. While I think education should be open to everyone no matter what color, gender, socioeconomic status, or religion is, I have a hard time buying into the fact that education will act as the great equalizer and erase all the ills of society. His Utopian concept of school has made a significant impact on the way classes are taught today, but I am far too cynical to think that a rich kid and a poor kid will leave school with the same chances for a good job and a betterment in class and status. I do however, think that my partner and I have provided a strong Mann answer to the issue presented to us, and I think our ten minute presentation will make the class laugh and allow them to think about what the perfect program would look like.

I can cross that assignment off of my list of things to do, but I am still feeling distracted and stuck in my head. I think it might be time for me to switch gears, go Zen, and try to shake off the long few days. So with that I am going to

It might not hurt if you send me your good vibes though. Good vibes never hurt anyone.