The Scamp All Packed

but ready to go?

Today I moved the last of my things that will not be going with me to Scotland. All of my pots, pans, Tupperware, cooking utensils, forks, knives, and a desk that I barely used, but did serve as a secure place for all my bills, pay stubs, and kept all of my notes, textbooks, and school related things while I was working on my MA.

I haven’t actually looked at most of this stuff for the last three years, but when I was moving the box of Tupperware, it broke open and I was flooded with memories of the last ten years with some of those things. It seems so final now that they are gone, most of my clothes and shoes are packed, and the things that I cannot take now are already postmarked to be shipped for a later date. It all seems so permanent now. I am not coming back to live in the United States. By this time next week, I will be in London, about to get on a plane for Madrid for a little bit of time to relax before I make my way to Scotland to start my dream job, in my dream city, and finally reach my goal of completing my PhD. I’ve always wanted adventure, I’ve always been prone to wander, I’ve never been afraid to take a chance, to do things on my  own, or to march to the beat of my own drum.

I’ve had the dream of going back to Scotland for two very long years, and the goal to earn my PhD and work in higher education for the last seven years.

I am three weeks away from reaching all of my major goals….and I am fucking terrified.

See, the thing that nobody tells about reaching all of your goals is that it is the scariest thing in the world (and I’ve jumped out of a plane, I have multiple tattoos, travel by myself, and get in a car with my father). I am so terrified that I am going to wake up tomorrow and it will all be a dream. I will still be miserable at Cal State Fullerton, still not have enough money for real insurance, my own apartment, or my massive student loans, and still be profoundly depressed

To be honest, there is no way I could survive a cruel joke like that. Not to mention that I have already sold my car, and most of my possessions.

I know that this fear is normal, and the finality of the situation is starting to sink in, so I am having a momentary freak-out, but it is still a little bit scary.

I’m doing it though. I’m jumping in with both feet, and going to settle into Scotland, and I am going to be a kick-ass expat.

The Scamp Hates Packing

I hate packing. Hate hate hate it. Most of clothes are currently in my shower. Yep. The shower. What isn’t there is littering my floor, stacked outside my room, and generally reminding me that I have only nine days left to get everything organized before I leave for Spain and then return to Scotland. I have three boxes packed so far and about six more to go.

I’m overwhelmed and stressed. I still have so many things that need to make it into a box. Things like shoes, bags, pens and bathroom supplies, chapstick, my wallets, rubber ducks, and family photos.

I have no idea where all of this stuff came from, and I have no idea how I am going to get it all to Scotland….or when. I want the packing and moving fairy to come and take care of everything for me so I do not have to. I’m going to have to buy the apartment I am hoping to rent so that I never have to move again. Not having a car makes things a little more challenging, and I know that everything will come out alright, but in the meantime, I am tired, and very, very overwhelmed.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 21

This is all about summer.

There are a lot of things about summer that I am grateful for. Summer is usually when I have the most time off. The time when I can lay by the pool everyday, wear shorts and sandals, and enjoy the fact that my mom has three months off without school.

Summer=time to recharge

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This year summer means Scotland. Summer means traveling, adventure, and then going home after two very stressful years. I’m still worried about what will happen when I get to Scotland. I’m worried that my apartment will fall through and I will have to look again for a place to live. I’m worried about sending my stuff on to Scotland, and having clothes and shoes that are professional enough for work, but fun enough for vacation. I’m worried about finding a job when I get there, and being able to afford all of the upfront costs of the visa, my rent, food, and phone and internet.

I am looking forward to summer though. Summer in Scotland is something that I have yet to really experience. I’m excited for the festival, excited to sit in the park and read a book, excited to watch the military tattoo. I’m excited to hike up Arthur’s Seat and not get caught in the rain (or a snow flurry). I’m looking forward to sunny days to explore new neighborhoods, reaclamating to Scotland.

I have 11 days left in the US. Tomorrow I will start packing and get ready for the move, and for the trip to Spain. I’mm not looking forward to this part of the process. There will be tears…lots of tears, for all of the shoes that I am going to have to leave behind.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge Weeks 12 and 13

I’ve been in a daze the last few days. I’m on spring break, so I have been trying to tackle the hardest mission of moving: spring cleaning.

So far I’ve filled two boxes, five bags, and an entire rubbish bin. I have no idea where all this stuff came from. Every time I think I got things down to a manageable level, I find more things that need to go with me. I know that I should be excited about the move and my upcoming position, but I am just getting more and more stressed. I am having a really hard time finding a place to live, still do not have the paperwork I need for my visa, and I have yet to figure out how to get all of my stuff to Scotland with me. I found out this week that I will now be attending a conference in at the end of June in England, and while I should be excited about that, I find myself a little more stressed. I feel like I do not have enough time to make this all happen.

I’m trying not to stress. I really am.

Which brings me to the gratitude challenge for last week and this week.

Last week’s topic covered a personality trait that I am most proud of, and this week covers something that I have overcome.

That one is easy.

The one thing that I am proud that I have overcome is the whole sorted mess with CSUF. I got kicked out of the program after being bullied for a year, and in less than three months, I have already managed to pick myself up and move on to a much better place in life. I may not be around long enough to see that program and the people who run it get what they deserve, but I am so happy that I was able to escape mostly intact. I have 68 days until I leave and can put this all behind me, and in the meantime, I am going to make sure that I can be as much at peace with what happened as I can.

That leads me to last week’s challenge: a personality trait that I consider my favorite. I would have to say that is my ability to worry and stress over everything.

I kid, I kid…..kinda.

Beside my sarcasm and snark, my favorite personality trait is my perseverance. There have been more than a few times that I wanted to just pull the blankets over my head and call it a day. I almost quit so many times before I got the boot against my will. I almost gave up on my dream of moving back to Scotland and getting my life sorted in the one place that I am truly happy. I know that my perseverance will allow me to make it through the next few weeks and get everything sorted before I leave the US for good. I also know that my perseverance is what is going to allow me to succeed when I finally settle in my home.

“You must read, you must persevere, you must sit up nights, you must inquire, and exert the utmost power of your mind. If one way does not lead to the desired meaning, take another; if obstacles arise, then still another; until, if your strength holds out, you will find that clear which at first looked dark.”
― Giovanni Boccaccio