Lately I have been having dreams that I have become irrelevant. There is nothing worse than feeling like you no longer matter. In the dreams my friends and family stop talking to me, stop inviting me places, and generally disappear from my life. Now, I am not dumb enough to think that the world is going to stop turning just because I have decided to move to the UK, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling of “out of sight, out of mind”. This lingering feeling is making what time I do have left here difficult. I am definitely moody and suspicious of the motives of people around me. I act like a sullen teenager when someone says, “Oh, but you are moving to Scotland” when they mention a concert, trip, or some other event that will take place when I have left. It’s as if their efforts are wasted on me because I won’t be around much longer.
I have only shared this fear with a couple of people. While two of them told me I was crazy and all would be fine, the only comment I can seem to focus on is the one asshole who told me that fear is completely justified. He went on to tell me that I should not expect to stay in contact with anyone other than my immediate family because I made it virtually impossible for people to want to emotionally connect to me and show me any type of affection. I realize that I am not the easiest person in the world, but I had no idea I was that difficult. For some reason that is the comment that is stuck in my head, and that is making me question all of my choices. While there is nothing short of a health crisis that is going to keep me from going, it does make me question whether or not I should come home. Once I finish my degree I will be more than qualified to work in the UK, and I could see myself staying there and deciding not to come home at all.
At the end of the day I know that I could never be that far from my family, but if I don’t find a way to snap myself out of this mindset, it is going to put a real big damper on the excitement of the upcoming adventure.