I’ve only been here for three weeks and I am already a felon. There is a rule at Pollock Halls that states you are not allowed to take food from the caf. No one pays attention to the rule. Croissants, rolls, cheese, meats, all of that gets wrapped into napkins and stuffed into bags and backpacks. I do it all the time, but yesterday I got caught. Food Nazi came over and asked for my meal card and told me she was going to report me to my warden (yes warden, like I live in a prison…cell block Lee House.) I swear (and I know that this will be hard for some people after the great CVS incident of 2010) but I did not do anything to provoke the woman, other than try to take food out of the caf. She asked me if I had read the signs that say “Don’t take the food at of the cafeteria” but those signs are next to the “love food, hate waste” signs, and those seemed way more important to me. I took the food, I wasn’t going to eat it at that moment, and did not want it to go to waste. I was totally going to eat it for lunch (I did, and it was delicious.) The strange thing is that I am not even that upset about the strike on my record. Even if they eventually kick me out of accommodations, at least I will be homeless in Scotland.
I have also come to the point in my career that I have to decide what they next year will hold. I have been talking to one of the brightest people I have met here, and she is in the working stages of her PhD. It is fun to hear her try and puzzle out how she is going to tackle her research and all of the things she wants to do and places that she wants to visit to aid her in thought process. She likes to chat out her ideas to work through them, and as someone who does the same, I enjoy listening to her and feeling that I am bit helpful in the process. I know she will do great things, and that is what I want, I want to do something worthwhile.
I’ve come to the point where I have to decide if I am going to stay here to complete my research, or if I am going to come home and finish it in Fullerton. While Fullerton is the smarter choice since my work is locally focused, and I will have a better shot of being able to pay for Fullerton, I really would like to stay here. I like the idea that I can spend a couple of years here and have the chance to live, teach, and study here. Problem is, it is expensive, I am currently without a job, and they don’t give a whole lot of scholarships and financial aid here.
The worry here is that if I choose to do this, then I am putting my relationship in jeopardy. He tells me that he is going to wait and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, but I can’t help but wonder if he is going to change his mind. I heard this song and dance before and it crashed and burned when we were faced with distance. I know how wrong it is to compare the two, but it’s what I do best. The plan had always been to stay here and make my life here, but when I made that plan I was flying solo. Now I’m in a herd (a flock? A gaggle? a dynamic duo) and have to make choices with his feelings in mind. He of course, has no feelings in the matter, but I am assuming that he would prefer that I come home. Lately we have been arguing a lot. Mostly it is me with my feelings hurt, and him feeling helpless, but this week I came to the startling realization that the two of us are not on the same page about the future, and a lot of that is due to me not wanting to make him jump ship again. This week marks what would have been our first anniversary, and not only did we spend it apart, but it doesn’t actually count since we broke up shortly after getting together. I’d like to think it still counts, but I am in the boat alone on that one.
I’m alone in a lot of boats, most importantly the boat that keeps me here. The question is: Do I want to stay in this boat or jump ship?