I’ve seemed to have lost my focus. I have been staring at an article for the last hour and a half, and it took me almost an hour to motivate myself to get off Facebook and actually read it. That seems to be a common problem lately, my lack of focus. I know that part of it is the rain and my desire to just curl up in bed with a good book, and that I have been feeling a bit homesick since my mom bought me a ticket home for the Christmas holiday. While that should be motivating me to get my work done so I can spend all of my time at home enjoying myself, I am finding it hard to sit down and focus on what I am reading. I find myself reading two or three paragraphs and then Facebook stalking people I know.
The Facebook stalking is pulling my focus from other important matters. Facebook recently alerted me to a birthday of a guy that I knew in college. I knew him through my ex-boyfriend and the guys that he lived with. I was going to ignore it, but I clicked on his page anyway, and after leaving a quick “happy birthday, hope life is treating you well message” I fell into the trap of browsing his pictures and comments, and of course, they were all from the ex-boyfriend that I have not thought about in years. He broke my heart. Stomped all over it with a text message break-up and a fear of my illness. I fell into the second trap of clicking on his page. Of course the picture that came up is him with a girl, and all I could think about was him saying that he needed to be single because he had to focus on his tier four law career. I couldn’t help but think that it was me. I wasn’t good enough. He used to tell me that I was the love of his life. I didn’t know that what he was really saying was that I was the love of his life from ages 1 to 22. I am pretty sure I cried for weeks, and then did some very reckless things for months after he left me.
I hate that he pulled my focus from work, but hate it even more that I let him pull my focus from what is important. If I was still miserable with him, then I would not be happy with David. I would not be enjoying his attempts to send me old timey love letters from his typewriter, would not enjoy the trip that he planned for us as a thank-you for bar study time, would not actually know what it means when someone tells you you are their heart, and they actually mean it. Everything about my future with David is better than a future I would have had without him, but I let my lack of focus get the better of me. On the one hand, I could be sad that I am no longer part of a family that sees nothing wrong with day drinking, with parent’s who don’t love each other and put their only child in the middle of it, or I can have a life with a loving family who is very supportive of one another who I adore. Man….now that I actually look at it, it is a very tough choice to make. I have no idea how I will be able to do it. I just let myself be pulled away from that for a moment, although I’d like to think that I am a logical creature, I had a completely illogical moment.
I have to say, it was a long overdue conversation with the bestie (and the threat of a ghost with a plunger that still has me giggling) that reminded me that I would be an idiot to live in the past and not enjoy what I am building for the future. That might be just enough to help me refocus and figure out why someone would suggest stressful adventure activities as a way to cure high stress and anxiety in people….seriously, if anyone wants to help me write 2,000 words on this, I am open to suggestions.