As a kid, I was the twin with the long hair and Kelly was the twin with the short hair. I’m not sure why that was, but that’s how it was. Every now and then we would switch it up and she would grow hers out and I would cute mine, but we seem to always go back to what we know best. My senior year of my undergrad I when I first got sick, I cut off 11 inches in a moment of panic. The drugs I was taking made all my hair fall out and I had myself convinced I was going bald (trust me on this one, that is not a good look for me) and in an effort not to notice how much hair was falling out, I went with a short do. It did me well for awhile, but I was very happy when it grew back. When I moved to Scotland I decided that I was not going to cut my hair until I moved home, whenever that may be. Everything seemed to be going along swimmingly, until last week when I noticed an alarming trend.

Every morning I wake up to a new clump of my hair on my pillow. Everywhere I sit, everything I wear, everything I touch is covered in my hair. I feel bad for the cleaners when they come in to vacuum my room because I can only image the hair they have to clean out of it at the end of the day. There is hair stuck in my pants, stuck on all my jackets and all over my bed. I get fresh sheets every week, but lately, that doesn’t seem to make much of a difference. Everything is still covered in hair.

David used to joke that he could always tell how recently I had been in his bed by the amount of hair that he would find. He used to joke about it, but it always worried me a bit. Hair loss is a side effect of all the drugs, but it is also a symptom of Lupus. When my hair is not falling out, and I am having a good pain day, I can almost pretend that I am not a defect. I know that part of it is stress, and part of it is normal, but I am still not enjoying the winter shed I appear to be going through.

Today I am stuck in my room with a bad cold. I know that is contributing to my feelings about my hair. I’m feeling icky and gloomy and have a touch of cabin fever, and I know that is why I suddenly see all the hair, or suddenly worry about how I will make it in such a cold place if I go bald. I am hoping that lots of drugs and some good sleep will make things seem a little brighter in the morning.