I was lucky enough to be able to Skype with my mom yesterday. I talked to her for almost an hour with bunny ears on (it was Easter after all). She made the comment at the end of the conversation that I looked great. I thought that was funny considering that I was wearing a sweatshirt, trackies and my hair had not been washed or brushed in well over 24 hours. I’m not even sure I had brushed my teeth at that point in the day. Her comment made me feel good. Our conversation didn’t involve tears, didn’t involve me stressing about David, but instead revolved around all of the things that I have planned for her visit next week. To be honest, it is the most relaxed and best I have felt in months.
I owe most of this change to the my friends and family. The amount of support, check-ins, food and funny cat pictures have reminded me that things suck in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am a broken toy or unlovable. They have reminded me that it is okay to be sad, okay to be angry, and okay to feel like I got emotionally hit by a car. The guys and gals here have been keeping me busy which really helps me from going to the dark and twisty places in my mind.
One of the best surprises, and one of the strongest motivations to make myself a better person is the unexpected ways I seem to help others. One of my favorite people here recently shared her blog with me. One of the entries was from my birthday. She made my blog into a book and seemed shocked that I could see so much value in something that she saw as effortless to make. She wrote that she felt she had connected with me the most since she had been in Scotland because I understood writing down my emotions, and understood the importance of words. I was honored enough that she felt comfortable enough to share her blog with me, but then to read that she felt connected to me through my blog and my openness really made me feel good about myself. When I was younger (heck even until a few months ago) I had a good sense of self, and good self esteem. For some reason I let David take that from me. Seeing these little reminders that the person I thought I was is still there is really nice.
I’d like to say that the rest of the change is coming from me, but the truth is, the rest of the healing process is coming from the help of a professional. That is a hard thing to admit, and something I am not proud of, but I have come to realize that I need help with coping, and want to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister, and eventually one day, a better girlfriend or wife. Her methods are unconventional (she loves to draw diagrams on a whiteboard and have me read books with titles like It’s Called a BreakUp Because it is Broken), but she is really helping me undo 26 years of bad habits. I figure much the way people go to physical therapy to learn how to retrain their muscles, I can go to CBT to retrain my brain.
I’m not fixed yet though. Despite everything that has happened, I still love David. I still wonder if there is a chance to have the future we planned, still wonder if he will contact me again. I know with time those will fade. One thing I have learned from the crazy books I’ve been reading is that our relationship was never going to work. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in such a serious relationship, and may not even have the capacity to love at all. I on the other hand, like to feel emotional connections, and like to know that I am loved and like to have the people around me know I love them (I know a lot of that revolves around a lot of sarcasm, bad jokes, and cat videos, but it is there, trust me).
I still have some fears though. I worry about jobs, what my social circle will be like when I move home, and how well I will adjust to living at home again. Luckily I am also learning how to tackle some of those fears and not let them drive me crazy.
David sent me this song a couple of weeks ago because he thought I would like it. I had heard it several times on the radio here, and think it is an appropriate song for the moment.