I like to think that I am constantly changing, maturing and evolving, but despite my best thoughts, for the most part I am a creature of habit and there are some habits that are hard for me to break. I did a lot of maturing and changing while I was in Scotland, but found myself slipping back into the old habits when I came home. I’ve had to be kicked in the butt more than once and reminded that I am not the person I was a year ago.
This weekend I got to attend the wedding of two people that I care about a lot. I met them in Merced, and have remained close to them since. I saw them a lot when I was in San Diego, and I got care package in Scotland with pictures and drawings from their daughter. Their wedding was special because it was a celebration a long time in the making, and it meant the chance to reunite a lot of people that I had not seen since I left Merced.
To be honest, I wasn’t looking forward to the awkward college reunion. I’m not good at talking about myself, and I am not that good at small talk. This is the second wedding I have attended this summer for people I went to college with, and the second chance to catch up with people I used to spend a lot of time with. Despite my antisocial leanings, it was interesting to hear what everyone is doing now, and nice to see that many of them are doing work in their fields of interest.
The one thing I was dreading was running into my ex-boyfriend. The relationship ended three years ago, and while it was a less then pleasant ending, there are no lingering feelings or bad feelings, I just didn’t feel the need to play catch-up with him. I was doing pretty good at the avoidance thing. I didn’t see him at all until the reception started, and even then, I spent my time catching up with one of my favorite people from college, and getting to know his girlfriend. Things were going great until I got cornered and forced into a conversation I didn’t want to have. He started the conversation by awkwardly referencing our bad breakup and asking me if I still hated him. Old Kim would have done this:
but I took the high road and right when I could feel myself getting annoyed enough to hit him, I ended the conversation by telling him the only thing I miss about him is his dog, and I didn’t care about the breakup when it happened and I don’t care about it now.
That is mostly true. I cared then, but I don’t now. The me now can’t imagine what the me then saw in him, and is sad that at one point, I loved him. I mentioned this to friends after the wedding and one of them said something that really stuck with me. He told me that he believes that people are never the same. The him of now is not the him of five minutes ago, and not the him of an hour from now. The things that he says now he may not believe later, and that is perfectly okay, That really stuck with me because 3 years ago I was in love with the ex. I was happy with him, and it was a good relationship. When I saw him this weekend, I couldn’t figure out what I ever saw in him, and how I could love a slob with no direction. Then I figured out that the me three years ago was okay with that, and the me now knows that I deserve (and have) better.
All in all, I’m glad I went to the wedding and was a part of the mini college reunion. I like the change that many of them are doing, and I am proud of myself for keeping my hands to myself and my mouth mostly in check.
I played this song all the way down the hill after the wedding and toasted myself for taking one more step in becoming an adult.