The Scamp and a Day Off

I feel very guilty about having the day off today. Veteran’s Day is an important (and often overlooked) holiday, and while I like having the day off, I have done nothing to deserve it. I know a lot of people who have served in the military in some form or another, and I am extremely grateful to all of them.

While I feel guilty about my day off, I made sure to make the most of it. I met with my study group this morning, and then parked myself at my desk to do homework and work on my philosophy paper. The last week or so has been tough in the academic sphere. The history class on Tuesday started off with a very defeatist speech by the professor about the need for balance in our lives. One of the women in my cohort mentioned that she is having a hard time balancing school, work and her social life. She missed her friends and family, but felt that she constantly had to forego time with them to get all of her work done. The professor told her there was no need for balance. Everything had to take a backseat to this program. Family could wait, and if we were in relationships that required attention, then we should end them because they were just a distraction. I get that this program is serious, but I also like being able to see my family, and occasionally see my boyfriend. I made the joke in class that I was the one that needed the TLC, and I was the one that occasionally needed a little love, and she told me that I didn’t need that for the next three years.

I’m not really okay with that. I am extremely lucky that the people that love me understand what I am doing and are very supportive of me. The problem is, I don’t think I am doing a very good job. I have gotten very selfish and needy lately. I feel like I need the social interaction, but I also don’t want to be the one that has to seek it out. I want people to call me, or text me and tell me they miss me. I want to wallow.

In short, I am selfish. I’ve gotten so wrapped up in me and my expectations, that I forgot about the people around me who do make the effort. I’ve completely taken advantage of the people around me. I haven’t asked any of them how they are doing and how they are feeling, and I certainly haven’t called any of them to hang out. I haven’t been a good friend, girlfriend, daughter or sister. I finally got to see one of my good friends from San Diego this weekend, and it was so nice to sit in the sunshine, play with her adorable son and listen to her tales of mommyhood. She reminded me to call her anytime, and that she was willing to come to me to hang out. She reminded me that it takes very little effort to pick up a phone and meet someone for lunch. It also helps that her son is a built in happiness maker. An hour with them made me feel a lot less like grumpy cat.

I can’t say that I will stop being this way overnight. I might even need a few more kicks in the ass to be reminded that I am not in fact the center of the universe. In two weeks I will be on a plane to Scotland for my graduation. I need it. I need to recharge, see some of my friends, and introduce my sister to my favorite place in the whole world (besides my bed that is). I hope that recharge will help me move into finals and end my first semester in the doctoral program on a high note.

In an order to not waste my day off, I am going to finish plugging along with the edits on my paper and finish some other little homework tasks for school. Maybe if I feel less behind with my work, I will feel less guilty about wanting to see my friends and get a little TLC.

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