October is over next week. Really? I have no idea where this month went, and I am not sure that I got everything done that needed to be done. All of the commuting has pulled me off track, and the cold weather just makes me want to stay in bed and watch old movies all day….or drag queens. I love me the drag queens.
The writing challenge for this week is to write about the last time I broke the rules. I’ve been trying to think about this for the last few days, and I really can’t think of any rules I have broken. I’m too afraid to break rules here because I don’t want to get deported and have to go back to California. I did get pepper spray into the country, and had a mini moment of panic at the airport over a year ago when I thought TSA would find it and I’d be arrested. I had another moment of panic on my first date with the boy when I mentioned it to him and he told me he would have to arrest me because it was illegal. I really only dated him so that I could bribe him with my wares and stay out of jail (at first I was kidding, but now I am not so sure that that isn’t the reason).
Lately though, I toe the line a lot better. There is only one rule that I can think of that I really broke, and that rule comes from my therapy sessions. I overshare here way too much, but this one I am going to have to keep to myself. Partly because I am ashamed that it has to be a rule for my life, and partly because it is one that I was quick to break in a moment of weakness. It is really easy for people to tell me to be strong, and that I can just choose to be happy, but what I don’t think people understand is that part of my illness keeps me comfortable in my self destructive behaviours. I like being here. I’m comfortable here. I know what to do and what happens here.
I’m not proud of the slip, but tomorrow is another day, next week is a new week, and next month is a new month, all chances for me to keep moving forward and stop breaking rules that don’t need to be broken.