It is 2 pm on a Friday. I’m still in my pjs, I’ve eaten a lot of cheese (which is not on my diet) and all the plans I made to finish Christmas shopping today so I could send out presents has not happened. In fact, this week has been really tough on me. I’ve cried more this week then I have in the last month. Probably because last month I was looking forward to my visit to Paris, and while I have a trip booked for two weeks time, I am a lot less happy now then I was.

When I am depressed I have the urge to run. I decide that the best way to make myself happy is to pack up and move elsewhere. Now, since I want to finish my PhD, I am just planning a lot of trips to amazing places instead of doing the writing and making sure that my degree stays on progress. I’ve got three trips planned, and have yet to even finish one chapter of my PhD.

But, in an effort to feel like I haven’t wasted the entire day, I will look to the writing challenge for this week: One way I would like to grow in the coming year.

I would like to turn this into some sort of funny comment about wanting to grow boobs, or get an extra few inches, but I just don’t have one of the muster to be funny today.

I think the one way I would like to grow in the coming year is to be more confident in myself. After CSUF my confidence took a hit, and I feel like for the last three years I have been fighting to be respected by people for who I am. I’ve lost friends, been called a lot of nasty things, and been completely demoralized. I’ve settled on a life path that most people do not understand, and I often feel defensive about my want to live overseas, to still be in higher education, and to not really have any desire to return to the US.

In the next year I hope to build my confidence in the choices that I am making, and be okay with the fact that I am not living what many people would see as a conventional life. I’m not married, have no kids, and would rather collect stamps in my passport than buy a house, settle in a city and live a ‘traditional’ life. Part of the problem I am having is that I have been so trained that I since I am almost 30 I should have a career, some babies, and a husband. Since I have my foot in the career bath and nothing else, I keep thinking that I am doing something wrong. I’m largely insecure about it…even staying in a horrible relationship with an emotionless robot incapable of doing more than hurting people (I’m really starting to understand why his last girlfriend cheated on him).

I also spend a lot of time being disrespected in the workplace, but because I am afraid to rock the boat and have a repeat of CSUF, I am not currently excited about going to the office. In fact, I avoid it at all costs and work at the other campuses. There are some great people in the office, but the snide comments about me never being in, the disrespect with a lack of communication and consideration of my needs as a member of the office have really ramped my insecurity and low self esteem. I’m still seeing my therapist regularly and trying to work on the issues, but it is a lot more slow going then I thought it would be. Every time I feel like I am making progress, I get knocked back on my ass. This time it was the boy and an incident at work, but next week it could be something else.

I am starting to feel like a burden to my friends and family that constantly see me in this depressed state, and tell me to do things that seem very simple to them, but actually, are almost impossible for me. I’m hoping in the next year I can fix all of that and get some of my spunk back. By then I will be almost finished with my PhD (fingers crossed) and will have a new niece or nephew, and hopefully a better understanding of how to get my groove back.

On the upside, I can cross some things off the list as time is running out

1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
2. Present at an academic conference
3. Start a new tradition
4. Go back to therapy
5. Visit three new countries
6. Ride in a hot air balloon
7. Quit the tutoring centre
8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
12. Master scorpion pose
13. Attend the symphony
14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
15. Host a dinner party
16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
17. Create something original
18. Create a solid workout regime
19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
20. Learn to dance
21. Eat an exotic meal
22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
23. Yell at a football match
24. Go horseback riding
25. Master British spelling and punctuation
26. Create a good sleep schedule
27. See my favorite group in concert
28. Fall in love
29. Stop holding grudges
30. Let go of my expectations

I’m crossing off learn to drive in the UK since I drove in Ireland and do not currently have the funds to get a UK driver’s licence. That will go on my list of things to do next year when I have a bit more of a budget. I’ve also been able to cross off mastering British spelling and punctuation. I had a student turn in an assignment that I proof read, and not grammar or spelling mistakes! Thank you UK spellcheck and the grammar book I bought online. I’mm about halfway through and have about three months left to complete this list.