The last time I wrote something was August. This means by default, I cannot complete this list. Making lists when you know you can’t complete them is stupid. I knew making this list a year ago that I wasn’t going to be able to stick to it. I’m too tired and unmotivated to have any follow through. I’ve been a prisoner to my flat since March, and a prisoner to my burnout for years. None of that is likely to change.

I did get to cross one off the list though. A big one. I legally changed my name in the US without crying. Well, that is not completely true. I cried happy tears when I got my passport and it had my correct name. I got adopted right before the pandemic started, which was also supposed to be the time I was out and about and socializing, making new friends, dating guys who don’t lie to me about having a girlfriend in another country and using me as a secret dirty mistress. It also meant I would be able to introduce myself with my name. Alas, none of that came to pass. On the upside, I have a valid passport, social security number, and birth certificate with my name. My UK insurance number, my bank cards and accounts (and as soon as the university stops being a pain in my ass) my new shiny 2 year visa.

I am really glad that my visa and my HR file will have the correct name, but I massively underestimated how much I was going to hate hyphenating my name and the fact that everyone at work is still calling me by my old surname. That is not my name, and all these months and months of only working has just furthered emphasized that I am not going to ever get rid of a name I don’t want and an identity that isn’t who I am. Plus, it is not the name on my diploma, so it is not factually accurate to use it. But now, thanks to stupid academic publications, I am stuck with a name I don’t want. Thankfully I didn’t put crying when someone uses the old surname on the list.

The next thing on the list that I want to attempt is to spend a full 48 hours without being negative. I almost made it during the summer, but being stuck inside, overworked, massively underappreciated, and deprived of human contact only got me to 26 hours. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on keeping a positive mindset. I think my plan for tackling that to take a sleeping pill and trying to sleep for most of that 48 hours. At this point, that may be the only way that I can make it through two days whilst being positive.

I saved all my annual leave for 2020 thinking I would be able to use it when my family came for graduation and so that I could lay on a beach in Spain, and since all of that got cancelled, I am on annual leave starting December 11th at 4pm. December 12th, I am going to try for a full 48 hours. I just need to figure out some good things to do to keep me occupied.

All suggestions welcome. Except for nonstop Hallmark movie marathons. I cannot handle how dumb some of the women are at the start of the movie with boyfriend who is all wrong for them….I’d never make it through the 48 hours.

1. Visit 3 new countries
2. Present at an academic conference
3. Solo author a paper
4. Lose the 20lbs I gained in the last year due to bad choices and stress
5. Do yoga at least twice a week
6. Write at least one new post a week that has nothing to do with work
7. Make a dent in my student loan
8. Finally get my UK driving license
9. Participate in No Screen Sunday and stay off my phone and all social media on Sundays (starting today because I have not done it at all this month)
10. Keep the toxic people from returning to my bubble
11. Ride in a hot air balloon
12. Go camping
13. Celebrate passing my viva
14. Improve my Spanish proficiency
15. Meal prep to help balance my diet (and to help with number 4)
16. Get on an academic committee
17. Officially change my name on all my documents without crying
18. Go a full 48 hours without being negative
19. Don’t cancel plans with friends once I’ve made them (especially not the day of)
20. Finally get my artwork from California to Scotland (although not through FedEx)