NOTHING ELEGANT
A charm is a single charm is doubtful. If the red is rose and there is a gate surrounding it, if inside is let in and there places change then certainly something is upright. It is earnest.
Tender Buttons, 1914
Gertrude Stein saved my date and my failed attempt to woo my boyfriend.
Thank you Ms. Stein.
This time last year I was giving up my family traditions to stay in a failing relationship. I spent Christmas day driving to San Diego to spend the day with the weasel’s family. This time last year I was locked in a viscous battle over a Christmas tree, and whether or not it was really necessary for me to pursue a doctoral degree. This time last year, I made the choice not to apply to stay in Scotland. To top it off, at this time last year I was being robbed. I lost books, a necklace of high sentimental value, and my laptop. The laptop had three years worth of research that had been sorted, coded, and parceled out to make changes for my dissertation. This time last year I was trying to figure out how I was going to write a final in two days that I had been working on for a month. I had no money, no job, and no clue how to deal with all of the stress.
This time last year, I was miserable.
What a difference a year makes.
This year I got to spend Christmas with my family. I didn’t have to look at a clock, didn’t have to force myself to drive to someone else’s house, and did not have to give up any of my favorite traditions. I decorated a tree, was vastly inappropriate at the dinner table with my cousins, and didn’t have to skip on seeing a movie with my parents. This year I was able to get a teaching job on top of my library job, and successfully completed my first semester of the my doctoral degree. This year I was not stressed about money, about deadlines, or about making someone else happy.
This year, I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas.
My hope is that the people around me are getting exactly what they want for Christmas as well. I have more than 7 readers this year from all over the world, so I hope that everyone is enjoying their day, however they choose to spend it.
Happy holidays everyone, from one wanderlust filled scamp to all of the amazing people that interact with my ramblings.
I’m procrastinating. I have a final in 2 days, and I can barely focus on the outlines, notes , and other materials I have compiled to aid in my studies. I know that I should be locked in my office, blocking out the noise of my parents and really focusing on the study material, but I am still bone deep tired and weary, so it makes it hard not to fall asleep in the middle of the California Master Plan. I’m stretched out on my couch (a couch that I tend to fall asleep on more often than not), and I have the nasally rant of Adam Carolla in the background to comfort me while I try to figure out how I am going to remember the difference between SB 1440 and SB 440, and how the Student Success Act of 2012 actually helps students. The ranting doesn’t help with any of that, but since my own rant on why this is pointless is not going to help, I will find solace in someone else’s problems.
To further help my procrastination, I decorated the Wilder-Davis House of Chaos Christmas tree. For the last ten years it has been my job to string the lights, pull out everyone’s favorite ornaments, and make sure the tree is decorated in such a way that the kitties cannot get to any of them. This year I was home alone when I decorated the tree, and even though I chose the exact moment to decorate in order to put off studying, decorating the tree this year was really important to me.
Last year at this time I faced the possibility of not being able to decorate a tree ever again. He who shall not be named is a strict conservative Jew, and his mother was completely against the idea of a Christmas tree in the household during this time of year (completely disregarding the fact that the tree is a pagan tradition and has nothing to do with Christ, and that my Christmas ornaments are not Nativity scenes or little baby Jesuses). At this time last year, the rat and I were discussing traditions that we would have as a family, and how we would divide our time between families. His mom’s birthday is on December 25th, so that day was always going to be spent with her, no matter what I had to say about it. I was fine with that for the most part since my family has been celebrating on the 24th, but I was sad about having to give up the tradition of going to the movies and having popcorn for dinner. He informed me that there would be no Christmas tree, and that his kids would not partake in Christmas related activities. His kids would be Jewish, and a Christmas tree is not Jewish.
I was raised Jewish. I consider myself to be Jewish (although I am by no means a good Jew or very religious). My dad (and my biological father for that matter) are not Jewish. Neither is overly religious, but they celebrate Christmas, so we have always had a Christmas tree in the house at Christmas time. It is how I grew up. It is not a religious symbol, and it basically becomes a little mini forest for the cats to sleep under. I like the tradition, and I was looking forward to it no matter where I lived. When he took it off the table, it hurt me. This was an argument for weeks. I cried on a date in the middle of San Francisco. I ultimately one the debate because I asked what else I was going to have to give up to be with him. I was already giving up school in Scotland, living in a place other than San Diego, and my family tradition on Christmas day, and I wasn’t sure I could give up one more thing. He only agreed to end the argument.
Right after we broke up, the only thing I could think about was that I would get to have my Christmas tree. I would get to have my family traditions, and I no longer had to give up things that I enjoyed to be with someone. It seems silly, a pine tree decorated with lights and funny ornaments from places we’ve traveled, or representing interests and hobbies. This tree is a small victory. While I decorated the tree this afternoon I thought about all of the other small victories I had this year. I have been extremely lucky, even with the sucky bits, and this tree is a small victory that I get to stare at while I lay on my couch and try to muster some energy to study for my final. I may be tired, but the multicolored lights and Scooby Doo ornaments are there to remind me of how lucky I am.
Bring on the education legislation. I’ve got my Christmas tree.
I’m tired.
Not the tired of going to bed too late and getting up too early. Not the tired of a good long workout, or the completion of a paper. No, this is the bone deep, weary tired of having too many balls in the air at one time. It is the tired of someone who has every second of the day scheduled. I’m juggling two jobs (one of which I really like, and one that pays my bills), school, homework, and a paltry attempt at a social life. I’m not doing very well at any of. I’m distracted at work, distracted in class, and haven’t put in nearly enough effort into my homework or relationships. I have a student loan to sort out, and have yet to pay my tuition or register for next semester. I still do not have insurance. Lately the only thing that I am doing well is sleeping and putting off work.
The end of the semester cannot come soon enough. I have one final separating me from the completion of my first semester of the doctoral program. I’m not sure if I have learned a lot, and the final next week will certainly answer that question, but I am happy to be standing near the finish line.
I did not do nearly enough writing while I was in Scotland, and have yet to do any since I have been home. The trip was a good recharge, but coming home and then jumping right back in to school and work has left me with a cold (well, that could have come from the boy, who has been sick for a couple of weeks). The boy told me that I tend to be fatalistic about my disease, and while I don’t agree, he asked me what would happen if I spent one day not thinking about how tired I was, or how much pain I was in. In theory, that would be great. I would love it if I could find a way to shut off that part of my brain. I have decided that I will try that while I am tied up in study groups this weekend preparing for the final.
Today though, I am just going to take some meds, go to bed early, and hope that I wake up tomorrow a little less tired.
Never have I been more excited for a graduation. This wasn’t just a celebration of my accomplishment, but it was a chance for me to get to return to Scotland and recharge my batteries.
This was by far the best graduation ceremony I have ever participated in. Everything about the check-in and seating was easy, the hall was beautiful, and the pomp and circumstance was brilliant. Luckily I was seated next to one of my best friends in the program, and the good banter and the laughs through parts of the ceremony made the hour and half go quickly.
This day almost didn’t happen. 10 months ago I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go back for graduation. I knew that I would be just about done with my first semester of my doctoral degree, and I figured I couldn’t afford to take the time off. I told my mom I had been through enough graduations, and didn’t need to sit through another one. After I finished my dissertation, I decided that I needed to go back and fully celebrate the hard work and everything that my nine months meant there. She was on board from minute one, and was overjoyed that my graduation fell over Thanksgiving weekend and she wouldn’t have to take any time off of work. Since I only got two tickets for the ceremony, I decided that Kelly needed to go. She has been to all of my graduations, but she had yet to visit Scotland and experience the magic of one of my favorite places in the whole world.
The week we spent there was perfect. I got to show Kelly all of my favorite places, got to see a lot of my friends, and got a much needed break from school, work, and all of the stress of the last few weeks.
I had two fears before I left: the first was that I would get no work done (which I didn’t…unless you count the 500 words I wrote in the airport the day we left) and that I would return to the States depressed that I was no longer in Scotland. While I was extremely happy to be in Scotland, and didn’t exactly rush home, I came home feeling recharged, and ready to finish the semester strong (of course, I still have one paper to work on, and have no idea how to finish it, so we will see how long those good feelings last). The only sad thing about coming home this time is I am not sure when I will get to see my friends again. Video chats with them are great, but do not compare to being able to see them face to face.
While this is not my last graduation, I am sure that it will be my favorite.
I have been in Scotland for three days now and have yet to write anything down. I have been so excited about being here, that I have not been glued to my computer. I’ve walked Kelly all over this city. I showed her the tourist areas, the not so tourist areas, and all of my favorite spots in the city.
Today is Thanksgiving. Today, I have a lot to be thankful for. Last year at this time I was in Scotland, and after going to class, I shrugged off a Thanksgiving party to stay in and Skype with my mom and the asshole. I was thankful for the new friends I had made, the boy I loved, and the family that allowed me to go on a crazy adventure that turned out to be the best decision I have ever made.
This year, I am lucky enough to be back in Scotland, this time to graduate. This year, I am thankful for second chances, learning how to find what will make me happy, and the family that allows me to continue all of my crazy adventures.
In the last year, so much has happened to me (all of which is chronicled in these posts), and while not all of it has been sunshine and roses, I feel like I have come out on top.
Today I spent Thanksgiving wandering around my favorite place in the world with my two favorite people, and then sat in my favorite pub with two more of my favorite people watching karaoke. It was the perfect way to spend the day (minus being with my entire family). Tomorrow I graduate , and get ready to properly close this chapter of my life.
My wish for all of my wonderful readers is that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving, and that you all continue to have much to be thankful for.
Tonight I had the opportunity to attend a board meeting at Mt. Sac and introduce myself to the board. I normally would not participate in anything that involves me talking about myself, but part of my homework for the EDD program is to attend a board meeting and observe the governance structure of a community college. Although it was technically cheating for me to go to a meeting at the school I work at, I am going to overlook that fact and check this one off the list.
I feel incredibly blessed because not only did my mom go with me in a show of support, but three of my cohort members went as well. I know that it is a requirement, but once I mentioned that I was going to be acknowledged at the meeting, they jumped at the chance to go and support me.
I tell anyone who will listen that I would have stayed in Scotland had I known how things would have turned out last year, but if I had stayed, I would have missed out on the chance to get to know and grow with these people. I know that I am exactly where I need to be on my educational journey.
My mother had her camera (which should come to no surprise to anyone who knows her) so here are some pictures for the world to enjoy
This week is almost over, and that means it is almost time for Scotland. I’m giddy with excitement. I have two papers and 3 more articles that need to be compiled, but I have 4 days and an 11 hour plane ride to get my butt in gear and get the work done.
Of course, I could always go to the library in Scotland to work……
I feel very guilty about having the day off today. Veteran’s Day is an important (and often overlooked) holiday, and while I like having the day off, I have done nothing to deserve it. I know a lot of people who have served in the military in some form or another, and I am extremely grateful to all of them.
While I feel guilty about my day off, I made sure to make the most of it. I met with my study group this morning, and then parked myself at my desk to do homework and work on my philosophy paper. The last week or so has been tough in the academic sphere. The history class on Tuesday started off with a very defeatist speech by the professor about the need for balance in our lives. One of the women in my cohort mentioned that she is having a hard time balancing school, work and her social life. She missed her friends and family, but felt that she constantly had to forego time with them to get all of her work done. The professor told her there was no need for balance. Everything had to take a backseat to this program. Family could wait, and if we were in relationships that required attention, then we should end them because they were just a distraction. I get that this program is serious, but I also like being able to see my family, and occasionally see my boyfriend. I made the joke in class that I was the one that needed the TLC, and I was the one that occasionally needed a little love, and she told me that I didn’t need that for the next three years.
I’m not really okay with that. I am extremely lucky that the people that love me understand what I am doing and are very supportive of me. The problem is, I don’t think I am doing a very good job. I have gotten very selfish and needy lately. I feel like I need the social interaction, but I also don’t want to be the one that has to seek it out. I want people to call me, or text me and tell me they miss me. I want to wallow.
In short, I am selfish. I’ve gotten so wrapped up in me and my expectations, that I forgot about the people around me who do make the effort. I’ve completely taken advantage of the people around me. I haven’t asked any of them how they are doing and how they are feeling, and I certainly haven’t called any of them to hang out. I haven’t been a good friend, girlfriend, daughter or sister. I finally got to see one of my good friends from San Diego this weekend, and it was so nice to sit in the sunshine, play with her adorable son and listen to her tales of mommyhood. She reminded me to call her anytime, and that she was willing to come to me to hang out. She reminded me that it takes very little effort to pick up a phone and meet someone for lunch. It also helps that her son is a built in happiness maker. An hour with them made me feel a lot less like grumpy cat.
I can’t say that I will stop being this way overnight. I might even need a few more kicks in the ass to be reminded that I am not in fact the center of the universe. In two weeks I will be on a plane to Scotland for my graduation. I need it. I need to recharge, see some of my friends, and introduce my sister to my favorite place in the whole world (besides my bed that is). I hope that recharge will help me move into finals and end my first semester in the doctoral program on a high note.
In an order to not waste my day off, I am going to finish plugging along with the edits on my paper and finish some other little homework tasks for school. Maybe if I feel less behind with my work, I will feel less guilty about wanting to see my friends and get a little TLC.
For the last several weeks I have been reading about Paulo Freire and his educational philosophy. I have already mentioned that I envy his passion and dedication to the cause of adult literacy, and how that I hope that I can find that kind of passion and conviction when I am released into the wild to make the world a better place. It is no secret that I want to start a literacy program and help increase literacy rates all over the world. The idea of being able to travel and help people is very appealing to me. One of my favorite people already suggested a name for the foundation, The Wide Wild World, and another friend of mine told me she would help fund the project. Both told me that all they ask in return is pictures of them displayed in all of the offices. To them I say….done and done.
To help jump start my foray into the world of literacy, I have decided to take on a pet project. Last week I was lucky enough to receive a scholarship from the college of education. The scholarship was presented to me by the cutest old man. He was also there to present a scholarship in memory of a dear friend of his. She was an elementary school teacher, and to help her students learn to read, she used to bring her dog to class and let the students read to him. The puppy in the classroom was so successful that public libraries all over the country have adopted as a fun story time for children. They get to pick a book, and have between 15-20 minutes to read to a therapy dog.
The success of the program hinges on the fact that the dogs are patient and loving, and will listen to the children read the stories. A dog doesn’t care if they mess up a word, or it takes them awhile to get through a story. The kids are excited because they get to read to a dog, and they can relax knowing that they can practice their reading without being judged or criticized.
I had never heard of such a program, but it turns out there are a couple of libraries near where I live that offer the chance to read to puppies. It also happens that the library in the city where I live does not have such a program, but does have a high illiteracy rate among children and adults. With a little research, and some fancy words to the crazy librarian, I am going to see about starting a program of my own. I am hoping that I can get the librarians at the libraries that have the programs will be willing to sit down with me and discuss their programs and how they make it work.
I want to take the program one step further though and offer the chance for parents and adults to come and work on their literacy. I had the pleasure of working for a program called Read Orange County when I was in high school, and they offered these combo classes as a way to help adults learn English. I worked with the kids, but the ROC staff worked with the adults on basic English skills and then helped them do things like fill out job applications, register to vote, and even do their taxes.
The tactic that they used, and the ways in which they taught people basic literacy skills are very much the same as the ones employed by Freire when he was working with peasants in Brazil in the late 50s and early 60s. He made learning relevant to them, and was able to teach 300 people to read and write in 45 days. That project became the basis for his philosophy and for the work that he did until the day he died. The methods worked, and I am hoping that I can replicate the success and help out a few people in a city that has been very very good to me.
Eventually I am going to try and start these programs all over the world, because after all, who doesn’t love books and puppies?
I had a rough week. Even now I should be working on my paper, but the lure of Netflix and my blog has me stalled at three pages of the five I was hoping to do tonight. My inability to focus is stressing me out, and not even a trip to the gym today made me feel better. I have found myself stuck in my own head, and feeling a lot like I did when I was living in San Diego and working nights. The last time I felt like this, I pushed away a relationship, applied to school in another country, and alienated myself from my friends. This time, I am picking fights with the boy (when I should be focusing my attention elsewhere and not taking that so seriously), counting down the days until I can get back to Scotland, and feeling gloomy about the fact that all of my friends live either in different parts of the state, or in different parts of the world. Instead of tackling my list f things to do (and do everything that I learned from my therapist in Scotland), I am stewing in my negativity and getting very frustrated with everything and everyone around me.
In an effort to shake the feelings, and to get out of my own head, I put this aside for an hour and put the finishing touches on a presentation for the philosophy class. A few weeks ago I expressed my extreme dislike of Horace Mann and his theory of the perfect educational system. As part of the course, we had to write a scenario of a problem in higher education. Working with a partner, we then had to pick another group’s scenario and try to work out a solution to the problem using the philosophical theory of one of the men (and so far they have all been men). I like the assignment. A lot of the case scenarios presented interesting problems, and I snagged a fantastic partner with a sense of humor and a strong work ethic. We decided that it would make for the perfect presentation if we used Horace Mann as our muse. This will no doubt make the class laugh, as the last time I had to discuss Mann, I talked about his Fantasyland view of education, and the improbability of his model ever producing the results he envisioned. In essence, I was labeled a Mann hater (I seriously just made that up right now, and I am totally tickled by it) by the class, so no one would expect me to use his philosophy to unpack a scenario.
I would love to say that the time spent with Mann has given me a change of heart about him and his theories.
Sorry to disappoint, but it has not. While I think education should be open to everyone no matter what color, gender, socioeconomic status, or religion is, I have a hard time buying into the fact that education will act as the great equalizer and erase all the ills of society. His Utopian concept of school has made a significant impact on the way classes are taught today, but I am far too cynical to think that a rich kid and a poor kid will leave school with the same chances for a good job and a betterment in class and status. I do however, think that my partner and I have provided a strong Mann answer to the issue presented to us, and I think our ten minute presentation will make the class laugh and allow them to think about what the perfect program would look like.
I can cross that assignment off of my list of things to do, but I am still feeling distracted and stuck in my head. I think it might be time for me to switch gears, go Zen, and try to shake off the long few days. So with that I am going to
It might not hurt if you send me your good vibes though. Good vibes never hurt anyone.
The Scamp Abroad 
