Research Phase

The Scamp’s Tale From the Strange

Posted on by erranteditor

I’d like to start this post by saying I am no means a prude. I’m also not dumb enough to think that this little cesspool I live in doesn’t house some odd stuff. I know that I live in a zoo. I know that these 18 year olds have no morals or shame. That being said, this was a first for me.

I’ve been awake since 4 am. The guy that lives below me likes to listen to his club music really loud, and likes to shout over the music to impress the girls that are constantly hanging out with him. I can hear them chatting and laughing, and sometimes I dance along to the music. He always seems to stop by 10 or 11, and since that is when I am getting ready to wind down for the night, it doesn’t bother all that much. The cleaning lady has told me that he is a really posh guy with good looks and lots of money.

Looks like Mr. Posh is also a bit of a perv. He woke me in the wee hours of the morning with his sexual escapades. The girl he was with made some very unfortunate noises….in fact, I am not even sure she was enjoying herself. The thing that got me though, was that every time I thought they were done, she would start again, but with a different guy! I spent two hours…maybe more listening to her rotate the guys in the room while they each had their fun with her. After each round I could hear them laugh, chat and get ready for the next one. I was so grossed out. I realize that just because I don’t enjoy group sex (or a gangbang? I don’t even know what you would call it) doesn’t mean that other people won’t. It also doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy other people watching, laughing and having a go at them. I had to get my headphones to block them out, but even then, all I really wanted to do was get up and take a shower. I’m hoping that satisfied them for awhile, or, if they need to do it again, they put a gag in her or something (I’m sure there is a market for that.)

There are just some things I should not have to be a part of, but since I have to suffer with the memory, so should my lovely readers. After all, misery loves company.

The Scamp Healing

Posted on by erranteditor

I was lucky enough to be able to Skype with my mom yesterday. I talked to her for almost an hour with bunny ears on (it was Easter after all). She made the comment at the end of the conversation that I looked great. I thought that was funny considering that I was wearing a sweatshirt, trackies and my hair had not been washed or brushed in well over 24 hours. I’m not even sure I had brushed my teeth at that point in the day. Her comment made me feel good. Our conversation didn’t involve tears, didn’t involve me stressing about David, but instead revolved around all of the things that I have planned for her visit next week. To be honest, it is the most relaxed and best I have felt in months.

I owe most of this change to the my friends and family. The amount of support, check-ins, food and funny cat pictures have reminded me that things suck in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am a broken toy or unlovable. They have reminded me that it is okay to be sad, okay to be angry, and okay to feel like I got emotionally hit by a car. The guys and gals here have been keeping me busy which really helps me from going to the dark and twisty places in my mind.

One of the best surprises, and one of the strongest motivations to make myself a better person is the unexpected ways I seem to help others. One of my favorite people here recently shared her blog with me. One of the entries was from my birthday. She made my blog into a book and seemed shocked that I could see so much value in something that she saw as effortless to make. She wrote that she felt she had connected with me the most since she had been in Scotland because I understood writing down my emotions, and understood the importance of words. I was honored enough that she felt comfortable enough to share her blog with me, but then to read that she felt connected to me through my blog and my openness really made me feel good about myself. When I was younger (heck even until a few months ago) I had a good sense of self, and good self esteem. For some reason I let David take that from me. Seeing these little reminders that the person I thought I was is still there is really nice.

I’d like to say that the rest of the change is coming from me, but the truth is, the rest of the healing process is coming from the help of a professional. That is a hard thing to admit, and something I am not proud of, but I have come to realize that I need help with coping, and want to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister, and eventually one day, a better girlfriend or wife. Her methods are unconventional (she loves to draw diagrams on a whiteboard and have me read books with titles like It’s Called a BreakUp Because it is Broken), but she is really helping me undo 26 years of bad habits. I figure much the way people go to physical therapy to learn how to retrain their muscles, I can go to CBT to retrain my brain.

I’m not fixed yet though. Despite everything that has happened, I still love David. I still wonder if there is a chance to have the future we planned, still wonder if he will contact me again. I know with time those will fade. One thing I have learned from the crazy books I’ve been reading is that our relationship was never going to work. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in such a serious relationship, and may not even have the capacity to love at all. I on the other hand, like to feel emotional connections, and like to know that I am loved and like to have the people around me know I love them (I know a lot of that revolves around a lot of sarcasm, bad jokes, and cat videos, but it is there, trust me).

I still have some fears though. I worry about jobs, what my social circle will be like when I move home, and how well I will adjust to living at home again. Luckily I am also learning how to tackle some of those fears and not let them drive me crazy.

David sent me this song a couple of weeks ago because he thought I would like it. I had heard it several times on the radio here, and think it is an appropriate song for the moment.

A Scamp in the Twilight Zone

Posted on by erranteditor

I woke up today feeling a little under the weather. It has been a bit cold lately, and this has been a long week, and I think it all caught up with me.

Last night I was able to experience Chinese food in Scotland. Since yesterday was the last day of classes for everyone, the girls and I decided that we would go out and celebrate. I enjoyed the evening for several reasons: the night off from dorm food was a definite plus, but the best part of the night was being able to spend the evening talking and laughing with (almost) all the girls that I started this program with. This is the longest amount of time that I have spent in the company of mostly girls, and I have to say that I really enjoyed it. There was no drama, no cattiness, just laughter, learning and general ridiculousness. It is sad to think that this might be the last time that all of us will be together, and that this is the start of the end of my journey. In about 2 months I will be back in the U.S. I’m already figuring out when I can meet up with the girls for a reunion, and working my power of words to get them to come visit me in California.

Back to today though. I had an appointment that was forcing me out of bed before noon, and when I stumbled out of bed this morning, I heard my favorite neighbors talking in the hall. When I went out to say hi, they informed me that I should avoid the stairwell today because at some point last night, one of the charming undergrads decided that the stairwell was his bathroom. Last semester they pissed in the elevator, but this, this is just disgusting. I thought everything had settled down since last semester, but maybe I just have just been too busy to notice?

Either way, I am hoping that many of them go away for the two weeks they get off before exams, and that I can motivate myself enough to go to the library where no one thinks to shit in the stairwell.