The Scamp is Accidentally Funny

Today I finally got an email from a supervisor that I am excited about.

I am a handful of edits away from a complete draft of my theory chapter. Considering the last draft I submitted was ‘confusing’ and ‘unclear,’ I am so chuffed that I am almost done. Of course, I would not have been able to get that far without having sent the draft to my mom as an extra set of eyes. Turns out, I am not as bad a writer as I thought.

I may actually finish this thesis.

That aside, I have been dipping my toe into the festival. I went and saw Ari Shaffir do a set on being Jewish and it was the best thing ever. I laughed the entire time. He’s in the city this month to prepare for a Netflix special, and I cannot wait until the final set is done. It probably won’t be half as funny though when it isn’t done in front of a room full of people who know nothing about Judaism.

Since one of the besties is in theatre, and working during the festival, when she mentioned that she was out and about, I knew I had to detour in her direction. She introduced me to the writer for the show she is working on, and to a casting director and I felt like my job is borning in comparison so I blurted out the most outrageous thing I could think of: I was an accidental Jewish guest at a white supremacist wedding.

The story was a big hit with the crowd, and I think maybe it is time I shared it with the world.

The rest of this is the how the big day unfolded to the best of my recollection. I am going to try and avoid using names, although most of my family and friends from California will have an idea of who this is.

When I was 21 years old, I was dating a very sweet guy who lives in Hollywood. The house he grew up was the house that his dad grew up in, and his dad knows everyone and anyone. He has amazing stories that he likes to tell (often on a loop. I heard the same ones a lot in the two years I dated his son) and was often collecting strays that would live at the house for anywhere from a few days to a few months, to a few years. It was one such stray that had been cared for by the family that asked if he could have his wedding in the giant front yard of the Hollywood house.

It was summertime (I think it was June) and I spent my time going back and forth between my parent’s house in Orange County to the boyfriend’s house in Hollywood. I got to the house in the late afternoon for the rehearsal dinner. The first thing that I noticed was the motorcycles and muscle cars. I have an El Camino and the boyfriend has a classic Mustang (I loved that car), so I was immediately interested in the cars.

Unfortunately, that was the last thing I was interested in for the rest of the weekend. I walked into the house and felt like I had walked into a Klan meeting. The groom was a tall dude covered in tattoos. He was wearing jeans and white undershirt with the sleeves rolled rockabilly style. His tattoos showcased his love of his heritage….including the swastika on his neck. The bride to be was also covered in tattoos and piercings, including the SS lightning bolts. Their friends looked much the same. During the course of the party, the two got more and more hammered and then shared how they met. They had met through MySpace (which tells you how long ago this happened) when they each thought the other was someone else. They talked for a couple of weeks before they realised the mistake that they had made, and after a few laughs (and not a lot of time) they decided that they couldn’t live without each other and decided to get married.

Strong foundations for a good marriage, right?

The next day my boyfriend and his friends helped put out chairs, make sure the front yard was clean and went about helping set up for the BBQ after the ceremony. The best man, my boyfriend and I went to get as much ice as we could for all of the booze that was now sitting in the driveway of the Hollywood house. During this outing, I learned that the best man was married, he liked muscle cars, and he had a habit of lingering a little bit too long when he touched me. I changed into a nice sundress and tried to stay out of the way while everyone got dressed. The wedding party had been drinking since about 9am, and by the time guests started arriving, the wedding party was beyond three sheets to the wind. Even my boyfriend’s dad was drunk….and he was the one in charge of officiating the wedding!

The best guest of the day was the mother of the groom. She showed up with her very fake boobs spilling out of a very tight dress that was better fitted to someone half her age. She was very theatrical and dramatic and did not really act the way that you would expect a mother to act. The wedding was delayed for a couple of hours, although I can’t for the life of me remember why. People showed up in jeans, baseball hats, leather. Their tattoos were crude and slightly offensive, and I decided that it was best if I just made myself scarce. When it was finally time to start, one of the groomsmen had lost his shirt, and his very large tattoo of the word ‘thirsty’ across his stomach was on display. He sported a backwards baseball cap and several beers. The groom could barely stand up straight and the officiant was in shorts and a black shirt with a paper collar to make him look like a priest. He was swaying slightly as well.  The bride walked down the aisle to some hardcore song, but she looked stunning in her white strapless mermaid gown and tiny net veil.

The ceremony was short, the kiss at the end sloppy.

And then the fun began. BBQ and booze flowed. I felt very uncomfortable in a crowd of people that proudly displayed their racist ideology, and even asked my boyfriend at one point if I had been invited to the wedding as a ritual sacrifice. He failed to see the problem, so I hid in his room for an hour or so and text my mom about the ridiculousness of what was going on. When my boyfriend neglected to come to find me, I decided to venture back out. One of his friends was sitting on a couch on the phone arguing with his girlfriend. It was obvious that she was mad at him, and while I started to move out of the bedroom, the mother of the groom came tumbling in dragging the best man by his tie (yeah, he was wearing a tie, go figure). The two of them disappeared into the bathroom together. I looked over at my boyfriend’s friend, and both of us were shocked and confused….so much so that he interrupted his girlfriend and asked if they could pause the fight so that he could tell her what we just saw.

Needless to say that a slutty mother of the groom having sex with the married best man is a good way to end an argument.

They came stumbling out a few minutes later and I went outside to find my boyfriend and tell him what I had just seen. I was waiting for them to cut and serve the cake, but by 11 or so I was tired of waiting and went to bed.

At some point after that, the groom learned that his friend had slept with his mom. They got in a massive fight in the front yard and the best man lost a tooth. The bride and groom then got in a massive screaming match and she threw her wedding ring over the fence and into the middle of a very busy street in front of the Hollywood house (It was never found). They slept separately and were still not speaking the next day.

I learned a valuable lesson that day….always look at the wedding invitation first. If it has a swastika on it, respectfully decline.

As I write this, I wonder if it is as funny as it was when I told it to a shocked audience last night in an effort to make them laugh. They joked that I could have my own fringe show, and said they could not write a better scene. I hadn’t thought about that in years, and now I wonder if those two are still together and whether or not they have started their own little Hitler Youth group.

 

Advertisements

The Scamp and a Play

For the last 12 weeks some of the kids at the tutoring center have been participating in a Wednesday night creative writing class. This session was devoted to learning about plays. The kids learned about different types of plays and what components are unique to drama, tragedy, and comedy. I came into the session during week 8 to fill in for another tutor, and I got to work with the comedy kids.

I loved it. I know that I hate working at the tutoring center, but working with the kids and listening to their crazy ideas was fantastic. I helped them write dialogue and stage directions, but for the most part, the entire play was their doing. Tonight we performed them for the parents, and I am crushed that I cannot have a copy of the video of all four of the plays because I honestly haven’t laughed that hard in a long long time. I did sneak a copy of my script home so that I could share the magic with the rest of the world.

Enjoy.

The 3002 Beijing Olympics

Scene 1:

(the athletes are all warming up and stretching in a room. Flace Sun, a cat, is not there yet. A banner that reads “3002 Beijing Olympics” hangs above them. The narrator walks on stage

Narrator: Welcome to the 3002 Beijing Olympics! Competing today in swimming we have Flace Sun and Sabdy Doom. In the 50cm dash we have PeterBread Sandwich, Rhythmic Gymnastics we have Adriana, and the twins Holly and Molly will compete in the three-legged race!

(Flace Sun enters)

SD: ( A nervous rabbit with a habit of running into walls. He angrily pointing at FS) YOU FLACE SUN, YOU WILL NEVER WIN!

FS: (scared, crawling away) Not him again!

PBS: (A hamster, he is wearing slippers that are four sizes too big. As he is stretching, one of his slippers flies off and hits Adriana)

A: (A gymnast who suffers from Narcolepsy. She is sleeping near a chair. She wakes up when the shoe hits her and starts yelling at the chair) HOW DARE YOU?! You can never compete with me! (Starts to stretch)

PBS: (looking relieved) Looks like I got away with that!

A: (Finds slipper) Wait a second….(looks around)

PBS: (nervously laughs) Hey, I have a slipper that looks like that!

Scene 2

Narrator: Our first even today is swimming! Competing we have the favourites to win, in Lane 1: Flace Sun, in Lane 2: Sabdy Doom. These two are fierce rivals who have competed many times before…

FS: (pushes SD and he falls, bumping into the other competitors who fall down) Hehehehehe!

SD: (Getting up) You think you are going to win? I am WAY faster than you! I’ve been practicing my diving into my rabbit hole at home!

FS: (Crossing her arms) Uhhhh…. We’ll see about that. (Licks paws to get ready).

Narrator: On your marks! (FS and SD stand on blue boxes) Get set! (Competitors put arms up in diving position) Go!

(Other competitors mime swimming and take the lead)

FS: (Jumps in water) MIAOW!! I forgot cats like me HATE water! (Starts cleaning herself all over to get off the water)

SD: (Looks back at FS) YES! I’m beating Flace! (Bumps into wall) OW! (Rubs head) I feel dizzy…. (Starts swaying around)

Medic: (Leadingn SD away by the arm) Come on Sabdy Doom, let’s get you sat down.

Narrator: In a drastic turn of events, hot favourites Flace Sun and Sabdy Doom are out of the running!

Scene 3

(Runners lined up at the starting line)

Narrator: (Loud and excited voice) Our three runners are ready for the 50cm race and our hope is that one of them breaks the world record of 20 hours and 51 seconds today. (Runners start elbowing each other for a better position)

Narrator: Runners, on your mark….get set…go! And they’re off! Steven takes an early lead, followed closely by Amy. It looks like Peter Bread Sandwich is having a hard time running in his slippers (PBS trips over a slipper as it falls off. He goes back to try and put it on) Look at that! Amy just overtook Steven! Now Steven has caught up with Amy! (concerned) Peter Bread Sandwich is still 15 cm behind. It looks like he has lost his chance to win this race! (PBS huffs and sits down in the middle of the track)

Scene 4

Narrator: Welcome everybody to the three-legged race! Can I have all contestants to the starting line please?

Molly: (Looking around nervously) I lost my twin! How am I going to race?

Contestant: Tie her legs together!

(Everybody laughs)

Narrator: That’s a great idea! (ties Molly’s legs together) Racers, on your mark…get set….go!

(Contestants all start running for the finish line. Molly instantly falls on her face)

Molly: I’m stuck! (She gets to her feet, but falls again after one step)

Narrator: It looks like one leg is not as good as three! Molly is not going to be able to finish the race!

Scene 5

Narrator: Our final event for the evening is Rhythmic Gymnastics! Up next in this event is Adriana. (Shouts Adriana’s name 5 times, getting louder and more annoyed each time)

A: (wakes up and runs on stage. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star starts playing. Adriana starts humming along and twirling in circles. She hits her leg) Ouch!

(As she grabs her leg, she falls asleep on stage. When it is clear that she is not going to wake up, she is dragged off the stage)

Narrator: (Awkwardly) Well, that was Adriana.

Audience: (Awkwardly clapping) BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOO! That was horrible! I paid money for that?! I want a refund!

A: (running back to the stage) That was uncalled for! How dare you boo me? (Stomps her foot and scrunches her face)

Narrator: Oh well….that was certainly interesting to say the least.

Final Scene

Narrator: Thank you everyone for coming today! That concludes the 3002 Beijing Olympics. Congratulations to all of the winners!

(All of the characters pack up their bags. They are all quite mad and upset)

Adriana: This is the worst day ever!

Molly: That’s not fair!

(Everyone agrees)

Adriana: Hey guys, I think since we were so rude to each other today we got what we deserved.

Flace: MIAOW! Why don’t we all go out and get some pizza together?

All: (Shout) That’s a great idea!

(All walk out together-Molly gets some help from the others because her legs are still tied together)

 

 

A Scamp and the Breakfast club

Today I got to introduce one of my favorite people here to the movie The Breakfast Club. She had never seen it, and the movie was referenced in another movie that we watched not too long ago, so I felt that it was my duty to introduce her the magic that is a Brat Pack film. She of course loved the movie, and we laughed at how American it is in terms of representations of high school students. One of the reasons that I love this movie is the famous dance scene. That scene has been recreated many times, including a fan challenge for a band I really enjoy. Here are two of my favorite versions:

and

I always have the urge to make my own version…at least until I remember that I suffer from Jewish White Girl Rhythm and no one wants to see me dance.

The movie made me think of my breakfast club. Last semester my breakfast club was me and Adam Carolla. That was on days that I managed to wake up on time for breakfast. I’d eat alone most times because my friends here ate early so they could get to class and to keep the strict study/research schedule. This semester it started out the same way, but once classes were over and people no longer had classes to get to, they started eating breakfast later. I have not eaten breakfast alone in weeks, and as much as I love Adam Carolla, it is a lot nicer to wake up and get going in the morning with my little breakfast club. We couldn’t be more different, no two of us are from the same country, and as of right now, I am the only person whose native language is English. I enjoy it. I get to tease one about his love/addiction to coffee, the amount of sugar that one consumes in the course of a breakfast (6 packets of sugar in his milk every morning, 3 in his coffee, and sometimes 3 with his butter and toast…you know who you are….try eating some fruit once in awhile instead of all of that sugar), and one about trying to eat healthy even though the only option is tasteless oatmeal.

There is a scene in the movie when one of the characters asks what will happen when they go back to school on Monday. He wants to know if they will continue to be friends outside of the library. I sometimes wonder that about my little breakfast club.  Will we still be friends when we all split up? I know that I will still talk and be friends with my favorite French girl, but we have been friends since the first day we moved into Lee House, but we didn’t really start hanging out with the rest of the 4th floor until a few weeks ago. Sometimes we would hang out with them after dinner and watch them play ping pong, but now we all have breakfast and dinner together and hang out and play ping pong (okay, I just sit and trash talk, but I watch everyone else play). I like it. The conversations are never dull, and hanging out with them is way better than sitting in my room watching bad talk shows (someone put every episode of Dr. Phil on Youtube….). I hope that once I return home I will still be able to keep in contact with them, and maybe even see them again at some point in time. I wouldn’t mind visiting Mexico, or Canada, France or India.

Luckily in the age of Facebook and Skype keeping in contact will be easy, but I also know it will take a little bit of work on my part. Good thing I am an excellent pen pal.