healing | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on April 4, 2014 by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better. One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

The Scamp Healing

Posted on April 1, 2013 by erranteditor

I was lucky enough to be able to Skype with my mom yesterday. I talked to her for almost an hour with bunny ears on (it was Easter after all). She made the comment at the end of the conversation that I looked great. I thought that was funny considering that I was wearing a sweatshirt, trackies and my hair had not been washed or brushed in well over 24 hours. I’m not even sure I had brushed my teeth at that point in the day. Her comment made me feel good. Our conversation didn’t involve tears, didn’t involve me stressing about David, but instead revolved around all of the things that I have planned for her visit next week. To be honest, it is the most relaxed and best I have felt in months.

I owe most of this change to the my friends and family. The amount of support, check-ins, food and funny cat pictures have reminded me that things suck in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am a broken toy or unlovable. They have reminded me that it is okay to be sad, okay to be angry, and okay to feel like I got emotionally hit by a car. The guys and gals here have been keeping me busy which really helps me from going to the dark and twisty places in my mind.

One of the best surprises, and one of the strongest motivations to make myself a better person is the unexpected ways I seem to help others. One of my favorite people here recently shared her blog with me. One of the entries was from my birthday. She made my blog into a book and seemed shocked that I could see so much value in something that she saw as effortless to make. She wrote that she felt she had connected with me the most since she had been in Scotland because I understood writing down my emotions, and understood the importance of words. I was honored enough that she felt comfortable enough to share her blog with me, but then to read that she felt connected to me through my blog and my openness really made me feel good about myself. When I was younger (heck even until a few months ago) I had a good sense of self, and good self esteem. For some reason I let David take that from me. Seeing these little reminders that the person I thought I was is still there is really nice.

I’d like to say that the rest of the change is coming from me, but the truth is, the rest of the healing process is coming from the help of a professional. That is a hard thing to admit, and something I am not proud of, but I have come to realize that I need help with coping, and want to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister, and eventually one day, a better girlfriend or wife. Her methods are unconventional (she loves to draw diagrams on a whiteboard and have me read books with titles like It’s Called a BreakUp Because it is Broken), but she is really helping me undo 26 years of bad habits. I figure much the way people go to physical therapy to learn how to retrain their muscles, I can go to CBT to retrain my brain.

I’m not fixed yet though. Despite everything that has happened, I still love David. I still wonder if there is a chance to have the future we planned, still wonder if he will contact me again. I know with time those will fade. One thing I have learned from the crazy books I’ve been reading is that our relationship was never going to work. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in such a serious relationship, and may not even have the capacity to love at all. I on the other hand, like to feel emotional connections, and like to know that I am loved and like to have the people around me know I love them (I know a lot of that revolves around a lot of sarcasm, bad jokes, and cat videos, but it is there, trust me).

I still have some fears though. I worry about jobs, what my social circle will be like when I move home, and how well I will adjust to living at home again. Luckily I am also learning how to tackle some of those fears and not let them drive me crazy.

David sent me this song a couple of weeks ago because he thought I would like it. I had heard it several times on the radio here, and think it is an appropriate song for the moment.