Scotland | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 27th Year

Posted on March 7, 2015 by erranteditor

I’m going to go on record and say 27 has by far been the worst year of my life. I think I cried 300 of the 365 days since my last birthday, and I am not sad that it has come to an end. I spent the day avoiding work and judging a speech and debate tournament at the community college. It was not the most exciting day, but it was not a bad day.

Normally I would list all of the horrible things that happened to me while I was 27, but instead, I am going to choose this moment to do Week 10 of the Gratitude Challenge. It is a much better use of my time. The challenge for this week is to list 5 things that I like about myself. I’m not completely sure I can think of 5 things that go beyond the superficial, but I am going to give it a shot.

1. I like that I have found a way to make my students enjoy grammar. Last semester it was touch and go, but with a little humor (and some cat videos) I have managed to really get the concepts through to my students. They give me the courtesy laugh when my jokes are corny, and a few of them actually ask questions during the lectures.

2. I like that I can read trashy detective novels and watch bad reality TV without actually losing brain cells. I watch a lot of reality TV when I am stressed, and the last year has been extremely stressful. Despite all of that, I still feel like I have a good amount of intelligence left.

3. On the superficial level, I really like my nose. When I was younger, I thought my nose was huge. I thought that it was long and gave me a horrible profile. Turns out, my refusal to pose normally is what gives me a horrible profile.

4. I like my sense of adventure. For the past two years I have been trying to figure out why I wasn’t content to just stay in one place in the same routine. My gypsy soul has taken me to some crazy places, and allowed me to meet so many amazing people. I love traveling, and have been very fortunate lately to go all over the globe. The sense of adventure, and the constant traveling has taught me how to plan, how to be more curious, and how to be a more patient person. I used to get frustrated when I got lost, or when things did not go as planned. I would cry a lot over it. Now, I am a lot more easy going, and a lot more willing to go with the flow if there is traffic, delays, and even if I get lost.

5. I like my fortitude and perseverance. As much as this sucked (thanks to the break-up, getting kicked out of grad school, being bullied), I did not give up. I took the abuse and harassment from the program for almost a year. I was willing to stick it out to get the dumb degree and go back overseas. I tried to fight the good fight, I did not compromise my values for them. I did a lot of yoga, watched a lot of kitty and puppy videos, and shed a lot of tears in the process, but I never quit. Although they ended up winning that battle, I won the war. I am mostly emotionally intact, and I am happy to say that I am moving on to bigger and most certainly better.

I am happy to announce that starting at the end of June, I will officially be an expat again. I secured a position at a university in Edinburgh that will allow me to earn a PhD, and do some very important research. The position is fully funded, and provides a stipend that will help offset living expenses. This position could not be more perfect for me. I’m so glad that the supervisors of the project felt the same way. To them I am not a racist who plagiarized for academic gain, to them I am a capable woman with excellent research and communication skills. To them, I am the perfect member of their team, and someone that is going to help shape their research.

This position is a fresh start. I get to move back to Scotland. This is the happiest that I have felt in a really long time.

Securing this position is a pretty darn good way to end the worst year of my life.

The Scamp and the Gratitude Challenge: Week 6

Posted on February 8, 2015 by erranteditor

The city that I live in.

La Habra, California is a city with more Pitbulls than people and a liquor store on every corner. When I came back almost two years ago, it was the first time I had lived here in almost ten years. The city covers 3.376 square miles and has a little over 60,000 people. It is in the Northwestern corner of Orange County, which means I can pretend I’m Orange County cool without being Orange County ditsy.

It is hard for me to be grateful about the city that I live in since I have been trying to get out of it since I was 18 years old. Don’t get me wrong, there are way worse places to live, and La Habra did provide me with an education that was good enough to get me to a good college. The city provided me with my first job shelving books, but most of the people who live here grew up here, they work here, and they will die here….and they are perfectly okay with that.

I feel like a caged bird here. I am a flamingo in a flock of pigeons here.

While that seems to go against showing my gratitude for the city, I am in fact grateful. If it was not for the caged feeling that this city gives me, I would never have gone away to college, never moved to San Diego, and never ended up in Scotland.

Everything for me always comes back to Scotland. Scotland is the one place that I could see myself living for more than 3 years, and the one place that I really felt at home. I might never have gotten to Scotland had it not been for La Habra. My wanderlust has taken me far outside of the city limits, and has exposed me to so many great places and so many great people. I am grateful for La Habra for showing me the type of life I want to lead, and the type of place I want to live, and for being full of students that I can help with grammar and writing until I can get back there .

The Scamp Whats and Ifs

Posted on January 26, 2015 by erranteditor

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I have been off for 6 weeks, and I am not sure that I am ready for the vacation to end. The last 6 weeks have been tough. Since I cut ties with the EDD program, I have been trying to figure out what is next for me. The community college Gods are smiling on me and there are an abundance of full time English positions opening for the fall of 2015. There are 250 people applying for each of these positions, but I am hopeful that my application will stick out to someone on one of the hiring committees at one of these community colleges.

Of course, talking to a lot of my friends who are also applying for these positions, I am starting to worry a bit. A lot of them have great relationships with their professors and with the people that they teach for now. I do not have this. I have a very strained relationship with the college I last attended, and I am too new in my job for anyone to really know my name. I’d much rather that my application was judged based on my skills, qualifications, and relevant teaching experience, rather than what someone who I worked for a couple of years ago. This further showed me that I am not good at the game of politics that exists in the field of higher education. I just want to be in a room teaching students how to write and help them progress in their academic career. The application process, the way I have to “sell” myself is very hard for me.

This whole process, and the last 6 weeks has caused me to utter two words over and over: What if?

As Romcom Letters to Juliet notes:

“What” and “If” are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What if? What if? What if?”

what

(h)wət

pronoun

1.

asking for information specifying something.

“what is your name?”
2.

the thing or things that (used in specifying something).

“what we need is a commitment”

determiner

1.

asking for information specifying something.

“what time is it?”
2.

(referring to the whole of an amount) whatever.

“he had been robbed of what little money he had”

adverb

1.

to what extent?

“what does it matter?”
2.

used to indicate an estimate or approximation.

“see you, what, about four?”

if/

conjunction

introducing a conditional clause.

synonyms:

on (the) condition that,provided (that),providing (that),presuming (that),supposing (that),assuming (that),as long as,given that,in the event that

“if the rain holds out, we can walk”

2.

despite the possibility that; no matter whether.

“if it takes me seven years, I shall do it”

Noun

a condition or supposition.

“there are so many ifs and buts in the policy”

What if I do not get one of the full time positions? What if I do not get a position in Scotland? What if I never get to finish my PhD? What if I do not make enough money each month to pay all my student loan payments? What if I can’t find full time work and have to live with my parents for the foreseeable future?

These what ifs are starting to stress me out. They are keeping me up at night, making me doubt myself, and keep me in the doom and gloom that I have been trying so hard to get myself out of for the last two years.

Tomorrow I get to go back to the job that I love. I’m excited that I get to spend another semester doing what I love, and once the papers start coming in, I know that it will keep me from all the crazy “what ifs?” that are floating around in my head.

One thing that I would like to note: I was able to take the countdown of my time in the program off of my phone. I feel like I’ve been released from prison, or that I have been rescued from a deserted island. Deleting that countdown from my phone allows me to put countdowns for fun things, like my upcoming trip to Boston and the summer trip to Spain.

Celebrating the little things.

The Scamp at the End of the Year

Posted on December 30, 2014 by erranteditor

There are two days left in 2014. The universe spent most of the this year shitting on my face, and with my possible expulsion from the doctoral program pending review; it does not appear that 2015 is going to get off to a good start.

I have spent almost a year of my life depressed and stressed in a program that literally broke my spirit, I have spent many an hour in my therapist’s office trying to figure out what I should do about my degree. I had big big plans for this degree. It was my ticket to a full time university gig, and my ticket to improving basic skills writing programs at the community college level.

This degree was my ticket out of the United States. With those three fancy letters behind me, I was going to set off on my next grand adventure to the land of Kiwis and beautiful beaches. I wanted to finish off my prison sentence here and then go be a happy healthy adult in a country that feels okay about dual citizenship. I know that it is foolish to say that the degree is the only way to fulfill this dream, but it is almost impossible to get a university teaching post without with a doctorate.

While I love my job at the community college, and feel like I am reasonably good at what I do there, I do not know if I can be happy in this area after all that has happened. While I was in Estonia, I had decided to stay in the program, tough it out, get my degree, and move on. Now with a trumped up charge of academic dishonesty, and the supervisor who processes my time card withholding mine so I do not get paid on time, I am thinking that it is time to move on.

I have decided that I am going to see about transferring back to the University of Edinburgh. I am going to email the lovely woman who supervised my dissertation (she just so happens to be the same person who runs the PhD. program) and see if there are funding options that would allow me to stay loan free, and if some of the work that I have completed here could save me some time on completion there. It is a long shot, but, that’s what I thought of my chances getting in the first time. Right now, anything would be better than staying in this program, so I am going to try and get 2015 off to a good, or at least, hopeful, start.

Right now, even the thought of being able to go back and finish my degree from a world ranked university rather than a school I am embarrassed to admit that I attend, sounds pretty darn good to me. I spent the last few months trying to salvage my education here and not give up because I thought that it would mean that the horrid people I am forced to be with once a week would win. I thought I would look like a quitter if I admitted defeat and didn’t finish out the program. I thought that I could put my head down and lay low for the next 214 days in hell.

I’m not a quitter, but there is a big difference between getting my soul crushed for a meaningless degree, and walking away to get the education I deserve, and should have had all along. The biggest mistake I have ever made was turning down a chance to stay in Scotland to come home for a boy.

It has taken me two years, and a lot of pain, but it looks like I finally have a chance to correct it.

The Homesick Scamp

Posted on March 29, 2014 by erranteditor

I’m homesick.

Horribly horribly homesick.

Considering I am sitting on my couch watching my TV, this presents a bit of a problem.

The last couple of months I have been pretty mopey. I’ve been a lot busier this semester between classwork and the third job, which means I have had less free time, and less time to see my friends. I feel tired all of the time, and I’ve now entered that sad restless state that has me convinced that not only am I going to die alone as a spinster cat lady, but I am going to do it stuck in a job that I hate, surrounded by people that I hate.

The last time I felt like this I was in a dead end night job, in a miserable relationship, and spending more time alone than interacting with people.

The last time I felt like this, I applied to the University of Edinburgh and moved to Scotland 6 months later.

That was still the best choice I have ever made, but I now find myself incredibly homesick for the life that I had there. I wasn’t working, I lived two doors down from my friends, and a quick walking distance from the others. I walked everywhere, explored everything, and even though I had my heart broken there, I healed there, and really took my time to find myself. It was my first time completely on my own in a new place, and it was just the sort of adventure that I needed.

I can’t seem to recreate that adventure here. I have great friends (some old, most new, some back in my life after a long absence, some who will be in my life for a very long time), but it just isn’t the same. I have to get in my car to see them, try and find time between work, school and homework, and the busy lives and schedules of those around me.

The problem is, I am locked in here. I am making money now, but not enough to pay my bills and live alone, and the program does not allow for study abroad. I have a year and some change before I can actually start working on my dissertation, and the more time I spend alone, the more I wish that I was completing this research in Scotland.

For the last couple of weeks I have been daydreaming about dropping out of the program, packing a bag and my cat, and moving to New Zealand. I miss accents, miss the sense of adventure, miss the person that I was when I was overseas.

This restless, mopey energy has led to drastic changes (haircut anyone?), a lack of sleep, and an intense desire to sleep all day.

I have a lot of good things ahead of me. I have a great research opportunity that will lead to a publication, I am employed (and can almost pay all of my bills), I am making great connections that may lead to a teaching gig, and despite not having insurance, I have been in reasonably good health. The problem is, I can’t seem to focus on all the good stuff. The only thing I can focus on is how badly I want to run away and start a new adventure where no one knows me (preferably a place with free healthcare). Depression is a messy thing, and being run by my stress and depression is even worse.

I’m glad that spring is here and I will be able to sit outside more. Maybe the Vitamin D will help my mood. I’m also going to actually sign up for insurance this weekend. I tried the website, and that didn’t work, but hopefully an agent will be more successful.

Then it will be doc appointments and check-ups galore.

and the hunt for a new therapist….because a few more sessions couldn’t hurt, could they?

*On a completely unrelated note, in the middle of typing this there was a small earthquake. I’m home alone, and while the earthquake was small, I am still shaking (pun intended). Looks like the cat and I will be sleeping under the solid wood table tonight, just in case.

A Scamp and Sunsets

Posted on February 18, 2014 by erranteditor

I miss this sunset

I’m behind on my goal to get to 200 posts by my birthday, and the only thing I can think about right now is Scottish sunsets.

The Scamp Graduates!

Posted on December 3, 2013 by erranteditor

Never have I been more excited for a graduation. This wasn’t just a celebration of my accomplishment, but it was a chance for me to get to return to Scotland and recharge my batteries.

This was by far the best graduation ceremony I have ever participated in. Everything about the check-in and seating was easy, the hall was beautiful, and the pomp and circumstance was brilliant. Luckily I was seated next to one of my best friends in the program, and the good banter and the laughs through parts of the ceremony made the hour and half go quickly.

This day almost didn’t happen. 10 months ago I convinced myself that I didn’t need to go back for graduation. I knew that I would be just about done with my first semester of my doctoral degree, and I figured I couldn’t afford to take the time off. I told my mom I had been through enough graduations, and didn’t need to sit through another one. After I finished my dissertation, I decided that I needed to go back and fully celebrate the hard work and everything that my nine months meant there. She was on board from minute one, and was overjoyed that my graduation fell over Thanksgiving weekend and she wouldn’t have to take any time off of work. Since I only got two tickets for the ceremony, I decided that Kelly needed to go. She has been to all of my graduations, but she had yet to visit Scotland and experience the magic of one of my favorite places in the whole world.

The week we spent there was perfect. I got to show Kelly all of my favorite places, got to see a lot of my friends, and got a much needed break from school, work, and all of the stress of the last few weeks.

I had two fears before I left: the first was that I would get no work done (which I didn’t…unless you count the 500 words I wrote in the airport the day we left) and that I would return to the States depressed that I was no longer in Scotland. While I was extremely happy to be in Scotland, and didn’t exactly rush home, I came home feeling recharged, and ready to finish the semester strong (of course, I still have one paper to work on, and have no idea how to finish it, so we will see how long those good feelings last). The only sad thing about coming home this time is I am not sure when I will get to see my friends again. Video chats with them are great, but do not compare to being able to see them face to face.

While this is not my last graduation, I am sure that it will be my favorite.

A Scamp and Thanksgiving

Posted on November 29, 2013 by erranteditor

I have been in Scotland for three days now and have yet to write anything down. I have been so excited about being here, that I have not been glued to my computer. I’ve walked Kelly all over this city. I showed her the tourist areas, the not so tourist areas, and all of my favorite spots in the city.

Today is Thanksgiving. Today, I have a lot to be thankful for. Last year at this time I was in Scotland, and after going to class, I shrugged off a Thanksgiving party to stay in and Skype with my mom and the asshole. I was thankful for the new friends I had made, the boy I loved, and the family that allowed me to go on a crazy adventure that turned out to be the best decision I have ever made.

This year, I am lucky enough to be back in Scotland, this time to graduate. This year, I am thankful for second chances, learning how to find what will make me happy, and the family that allows me to continue all of my crazy adventures.

In the last year, so much has happened to me (all of which is chronicled in these posts), and while not all of it has been sunshine and roses, I feel like I have come out on top.

Today I spent Thanksgiving wandering around my favorite place in the world with my two favorite people, and then sat in my favorite pub with two more of my favorite people watching karaoke. It was the perfect way to spend the day (minus being with my entire family). Tomorrow I graduate , and get ready to properly close this chapter of my life.

My wish for all of my wonderful readers is that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving, and that you all continue to have much to be thankful for.

A Scamp Gets Welcomed Home

Posted on May 20, 2013 by erranteditor

Nothing says “I love you” like a sign that says WELCOME HOME SHITHEAD in Scots Gaelic. The sign is currently holding a place of honor in my bedroom. It speaks to my family as a whole, but more importantly it was made by my mom and my sister, both of whom came to get me at the airport. It was a really long day of travel. Really long. I have never been more happy to get off a plane. Never so happy to see my family.

I had a horrible headache when I landed, but that didn’t really dampen my excitement for being home. I slept in my own bed with real pillows, ate warm food that was properly cooked, and am back in texting range with the people here. It was very surreal. Even after being here for almost two days, I still haven’t processed the fact that I am not going back to Scotland. It doesn’t feel real yet that I am now living here again. I feel bad because I blew off everything yesterday, including a chance to see my OMGBFF. I got a new American phone, got some unpacking done, and drove my car around a little. The sun was out, I was wearing a dress, and the small breeze moved the air around just enough to make the day extremely pleasant. Despite all of that, all I really wanted to do was curl up in my bed and hide from the world. Even now, I am putting off reading and work in favor of sitting by the pool in the sun and surfing the internet.

I keep thinking about my friends in Scotland. I wonder what they are doing, I miss eating breakfast and dinner with them, having random movie nights or dinner parties with them, and I feel much the same way that I did when I first left here in September, I am now out of sight and out of mind. Their worlds will continue on like I was never there. While it feels good to be home, I feel really out of place. On the one hand, I am very comfortable here, everything feels familiar and inviting, but on the other, I feel like I don’t belong here yet. It still feels a bit like a vacation. I’m hoping that feeling goes away so that I can settle into a work schedule and start to get things back on track.

For right now though, a nap in the sun is just what I need.

A Scamp and the Blind Poet

Posted on May 17, 2013 by erranteditor

Seems legit

My favorite pub in San Diego is called Blind Lady, so it makes perfect sense to me that my favorite pub in Scotland would be called the Blind Poet. The pub is near main campus, and besides being a literary themed pub, it has one of the best Thursday night karaoke madness in the city. We have gotten in the habit the last few weeks of meeting there on Thursday nights to hang out, have a few drinks and enjoy the regulars who grace the stage and sing everything from Evanescence to heavy metal. Some of the people are really good, some are really bad, and some are just really entertaining. I spent my birthday there, met the lads there for drinks after David turned out to be a liar, and both the Texan and I thought it would be a fitting place for a sendoff. I have to say it was one of my favorite traditions in Scotland. I loved any time I got to spend with my friends, but making fun of singers, singing along with the songs we knew, and just being able to hang out in one place all together was a lot of fun. Thursday nights will never be the same.

Here are a few of the photos from my sendoff:

They sang “I Wish They All Could Be California Girls” just for me