I wish I was a fortune teller. I wish I had a shiny crystal ball that I could look into that would tell me everything will be alright. I have a picture of the future in my head. I know what I want it to look like, I know what I want to be in it. A few months ago, I was sure that picture was becoming a reality. A few months ago, I had it all figured out. This week my hopes for the future fell apart. This week my crystal ball broke and now everything is dark and murky.
I am now about to be more honest than I ever have on here. I’m not doing it because I want attention, I am doing it because I think it is time that I let people in and ask for help.
For the last few months I have been sliding into a deep depression. I’m in a dark and twisty place. Very dark. I’m sure that my seven readers have noticed how negative these posts have gotten, and the people around me have realized how moody and hostile I have become. I’m stressed about finding a job, stressed about losing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, stressed about my loans and my mother’s health. I’ve been racked with guilt about how selfish I was for coming on this adventure, for being so far from my mom in case something really bad happens, and for asking my better half to wait for me for a year. I’ve slowly been spiraling in thoughts of negativity and doom and gloom, and no matter how often I am reminded that I am not alone, I started to get resentful of those who love and care about me the most. I have prided myself on being strong and independent, for being able to take care of myself and any problem that life throws at me. I know now, after repeated failures that that just isn’t true.
This week I lost the one person I care about most in the world. I lost my heart. The problem is, I was so stuck in my depression that I didn’t see how much I had destroyed him. I am trying my best to respect his wishes, but it is killing me that he is not a part of my day and I can no longer share my life with him. It kills him that I won’t have his shoulder to cry on, or his texts and emails telling me things will get better and I am almost home. I have so many things that need to be said, but can’t say any of them. I want to work and rebuild toward our future, but as it stands, I don’t know if that can happen. Right now, that is all I want to happen. I hope he reads this, and if he does, I hope he knows that letting me into his life was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I hope that he doesn’t give up on me, and on us, even though I have given him no reason not to.
I have decided that I can no longer do this alone. I need help. I need someone to throw me a rope so I can climb out of the dark and twisty place.I no longer want to be defined by my depression. I consider myself to be the luckiest girl in the world though. I have family and friends that are doing their damnedest to help me. Some of them are doing it in the form of pulling away, to show me what that I need help before I ruin everything, and the rest of them are calling, texting, and chatting with me. They check up on me, keep my mind busy on happy thoughts, and make sure that I am not alone. The amount of support that I have gotten from the girls here is much more than I deserve, and for that I will be eternally grateful. The amount of love and support I have gotten from my friends and family at home is also much more than I deserve. Even though my mind is telling me that I ruined my future happiness and now have to be alone, I can see from all the concern that I am not alone.
What I ask now from my followers, friends and family is a little understanding and some patience. I’m not going to be fixed overnight. I know that I will still have some dark and twisty days, and I will still be snappy from time to time. I assume that it may take me the rest of my time here to figure out how to heal. I’m struggling, a lot, but your continued support, good thoughts and occasional cat videos/puppy pictures are much appreciated.