A Scamp and the Future

I wish I was a fortune teller. I wish I had a shiny crystal ball that I could look into that would tell me everything will be alright. I have a picture of the future in my head. I know what I want it to look like, I know what I want to be in it. A few months ago, I was sure that picture was becoming a reality. A few months ago, I had it all figured out. This week my hopes for the future fell apart. This week my crystal ball broke and now everything is dark and murky.

I am now about to be more honest than I ever have on here. I’m not doing it because I want attention, I am doing it because I think it is time that I let people in and ask for help.

For the last few months I have been sliding into a deep depression. I’m in a dark and twisty place. Very dark. I’m sure that my seven readers have noticed how negative these posts have gotten, and the people around me have realized how moody and hostile I have become. I’m stressed about finding a job, stressed about losing the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, stressed about my loans and my mother’s health. I’ve been racked with guilt about how selfish I was for coming on this adventure, for being so far from my mom in case something really bad happens, and for asking my better half to wait for me for a year. I’ve slowly been spiraling in thoughts of negativity and doom and gloom, and no matter how often I am reminded that I am not alone, I started to get resentful of those who love and care about me the most. I have prided myself on being strong and independent, for being able to take care of myself and any problem that life throws at me. I know now, after repeated failures that that just isn’t true.

This week I lost the one person I care about most in the world. I lost my heart. The problem is, I was so stuck in my depression that I didn’t see how much I had destroyed him. I am trying my best to respect his wishes, but it is killing me that he is not a part of my day and I can no longer share my life with him. It kills him that I won’t have his shoulder to cry on, or his texts and emails telling me things will get better and I am almost home. I have so many things that need to be said, but can’t say any of them. I want to work and rebuild toward our future, but as it stands, I don’t know if that can happen. Right now, that is all I want to happen. I hope he reads this, and if he does, I hope he knows that letting me into his life was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I hope that he doesn’t give up on me, and on us, even though I have given him no reason not to.

I have decided that I can no longer do this alone. I need help. I need someone to throw me a rope so I can climb out of the dark and twisty place.I no longer want to be defined by my depression. I consider myself to be the luckiest girl in the world though. I have family and friends that are doing their damnedest to help me. Some of them are doing it in the form of pulling away, to show me what that I need help before I ruin everything, and the rest of them are calling, texting, and chatting with me. They check up on me, keep my mind busy on happy thoughts, and make sure that I am not alone. The amount of support that I have gotten from the girls here is much more than I deserve, and for that I will be eternally grateful. The amount of love and support I have gotten from my friends and family at home is also much more than I deserve. Even though my mind is telling me that I ruined my future happiness and now have to be alone, I can see from all the concern that I am not alone.

What I ask now from my followers, friends and family is a little understanding and some patience. I’m not going to be fixed overnight. I know that I will still have some dark and twisty days, and I will still be snappy from time to time. I assume that it may take me the rest of my time here to figure out how to heal. I’m struggling, a lot, but your continued support, good thoughts and occasional cat videos/puppy pictures are much appreciated.

 

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4 comments

  1. mjadezde · February 28, 2013

    It will take time, no one knows how long it will take either. But instead of focusing on the help you ‘don’t deserve’ (according to you), realize that you are not the only person who has gone through this. Everyone goes through a depression at various points in their life. Sometimes it’s just for a few days, other times it’s something that lasts for years. But at the end of the day, realize that you haven’t embarked on a selfish journey, but rather one in which you have gained new insight and experience that will help you conquer what lies in the future. Strength is not about fighting a battle by one’s self; strength is about confidence. To not ask help is to shy away; to ask for help is to realize what your strengths and weaknesses are, what they are in others, and combining those areas so that you can learn how to come out on top.

  2. Michelle Davis · February 28, 2013

    Once there is a bottom, there is only one direction to go. I will be waiting for you at the surface. In fact, I am right beside you.

  3. Matt Siordia · March 1, 2013

    That picture sums up what I want to say, but I will expand a little more. I think the fact that you just let people in via this post is a the hardest thing you have to do. It is tough to let people in, at least that is what I know from my own experience. I’m just going to throw this out and feel free to throw it right back but I would venture to say your mom is probably incredibly proud of you for taking the chance and opportunity you took to go study abroad and get out of your comfort zone. Neither of us are parents but I think a parent is happiest when their children do succeed and you are succeeding. I don’t know the extent of how you are feeling but I can relate in some aspects, having picked up and moved from one coast to another, away from all my family and 99% of my friends. Hang in there and don’t be afraid to reach out.

  4. Marla · March 1, 2013

    Hang in there my love….I know it’s hard and I have been in the same place..Depression is a terrible thing and you think that you are all alone…It takes time, and patience..But the end result is so wonderful and beautiful…Your surrounded by so much love, near and far. I’m not sure if this note helps at all but do know that I think of you each and ever day and so look forward to your wonderful smile and a hug…..Your family is so proud of you, and this adventure your on is a once in a life time experience……Embrace it, as we all embrace you, I love you so !!!!!

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