In the last couple of days my choice to publicize my break-up on my blog has come under attack. There are those who have felt the need to contact me and tell me I am publicly shaming David and how dare I do that. I was told I should grieve in private. I was made to feel like I am a bad person for the choices that I have made. There was no respect for my process, or my feelings.
None of that was my intent. I am not trying to make David seem like the bad guy. I am by no means saying that I was an angel in the relationship and that my actions, words and the like in no way contributed to this falling apart. All I am doing is telling the truth. The good, the bad, and the messy. When I started this blog a year ago, it was with the expressed intent to chronicle my life here and everything that happens. I was making the choice to become an open book. I’ve written about my stress over money, how horribly I handled living near the undergrads, how scared I am of the future, and I told the world that I was suffering from depression. I’ve admitted mistakes, admitted defeat, and I think, given my readers a glimpse of me in my truest form. When I wrote about what happened, I was not publicly shaming David, I was publicly shaming myself. I admitted to the world that even after I heard that, I was willing to try and work it out. I was admitting to the world that I got so wrapped up in him being my happiness that I now feel worthless and empty. If anything, I am showing people that the constructed image most people have of me as a tough, strong girl who can handle anything goes out the window when it came to the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
What I don’t like is that I actually was upset and felt guilty about my choices and what I was doing with this blog. I’m choosing to make my grief public because this is where my support system is. The responses I have gotten from people are what helps remind me that I am not empty, or horrible, or the monster that I am being painted as in some camps. This helps me cope. I also like to think it helps others. So many people from all areas of my life have reached out to me, and shown me the value in my words.
My mother sent me a card that says, “Sometimes the prettiest flowers grow from the biggest pile of shit”
I shared my pile of shit so that everyone I love and value, and that love and value me can watch and be a part of the flowers that grow.
That said, if you have a problem with what I write, don’t read my blog…..duh.