You know you are getting old when your friends are having babies on purpose. It has been exactly one month since heartstomppedapoloza, and in that time 3 of my friends have announced they are pregnant or had a baby, and 7 of them have gotten engaged or married. My Facebook is constantly reminding me that I am not anywhere near that life path. I have been in a constant state of compare and despair, which is seriously harshing my mellow in the land of whiskey and kilts. A few months ago I was on that life path. A few months ago I had my future figured out. Now I have to go down a new path, and that is scary.
The other thing that I am having a problem with is the idea of moving home. It has been about 8 years since I have lived in Brea full time. The moving back to Brea part is not so bad, but the idea of moving back into my parent’s house has me feeling like a loser. Part of growing up is moving out of your parent’s house and living on your own with a job and your own bills to pay. Up until now, that was how I was living. I had my own apartment, my own income, and a sense of independence. I didn’t have to worry about waking anyone up if I stumbled in late at night (not that I ever did that mom), didn’t have to worry about offending anyone with pantsless Wednesday, and didn’t have to worry about feeling guilty if I went to work and my books, papers, and other assorted things were left all over the place.
I’m also a bit worried about the social aspect of returning home. Most of my friends are spread out over the US (and now Europe), and I worry that I will get stuck in a work, school, home pattern of despair. The PhD cohort will be people who are older than me and at very different places in their careers and lives, so I don’t know how many friends I will make. School has always been where I make my friends, so now I am unsure how I will make friends out in the real world.
The thing is, all this compare and despair is starting to cloud my view of coming home. When I think about going home, I get a little nervous and panicky. That should not be how I feel. So, for the next 24 days I am going to work on changing my views. I am going to see past all of the negative thoughts I have formed and focus on what is important. I’m going to focus on the fact that Facebook is not even close to reality, and that just because people around me are getting married and popping out tiny humans, doesn’t mean I need to. I am in no place to take care of a child…in fact, the closest thing to a tiny human that I want right now is a puppy.
I’m also going to look past my idea of being a boomarang baby. It is not like I am moving home to sit on my couch all day and watch reality TV. In fact, my parents are nice enough to let me come home and live rent free so that any money I make from the job (that I hope I get) can go towards paying off my loan from here. I don’t have to stress about trying to find a place to live that I can afford, and worry about only eating pb & j for the next five years while I try to manage all of my bills. I feel extremely lucky that I have parents that are willing to let me come home and take over their space again so that I can get my work done. The next three years are going to be intense, and having my support system on hand is going to be a huge help. Plus, living at home comes with a pool, so I can workout and tan in comfort.
The social aspect is the only thing I still need to work out. I think I will look into a yoga class, or some sort of thing like that that can get me out and about, and as more than one person has felt the need to point out to me, there is always internet dating.
…..yeah, like that will ever happen.