Today was not a day of work for me. It should have been, but because I finished my last paper yesterday, instead of fixing it and making sure it was ready (or working on my thesis proposal) I laid in bed and read a book all day. Truth is, I’m tired. I’m too tired to want to write or think, or do anything more than just lay in my bed. The cat made his way into my room today, and I played with him, let him sleep, and kept his belly full of tuna. He is currently sitting on my chair, mocking me by dragging his tail across the books I should be reading.
I’m glad he is here though. I think he knew that I needed a bit of a cuddle. Last night my subconscious decided to kick me in the face by giving me a night full of dreams about David. When I woke up this morning, I had the terrible urge to delete any post from this last year that had him in it. I wanted to edit out the parts where I gushed about how much I loved him, and how torn I was about leaving him. I wanted to get rid of the post where I was beating myself up thinking I had ruined our future while he was at home sleeping with other girls. I wanted to edit him out of my life. I still want to edit him out of my life.
I realized though that I can’t change the past. At the time, I thought he was worth it, and I thought I was in love….a forever kind of love. If it hadn’t been for him, I would not have spent the last few months working so hard to make myself a better and stronger person. If he hadn’t told me I drove him to do what he did, I would have never taken a good long look at myself and figured out what I could work on to make myself happy, and make myself a better person to be around. I’m not giving him the credit for the new and better me that I am creating, but walking away from him gave me the courage to do it. If I erased him from these posts, then I would be erasing all of the work I have been doing for the last year. My journey was about more than just the pursuit of another degree, and like it or not, he was a part of that,
One of the blogs that I read regularly just made posted its 588th post. He made the comment on his that he wishes there were quite a few posts he could go back and edit, but that each post got him to where is he now. He said that he rarely, if ever, goes back to read any of the previous posts, but he knows that he has some followers (mainly family) that will go back through and read some of his earlier work. I’d like to think that sometimes my seven readers click through and read the older posts, and that sometimes someone random from the world of blogging stumbles across my blog, and if they do, I guess it is only fair that they get the complete picture.
I’m not sure if I will ever go back through and read any of the earlier posts, but for now, I will leave them untouched in all of their emotional, messy, and sometimes funny glory.