The Scamps Confronts Some Uncomfortable Feelings

We called her Dragon Lady. 

We mocked her love for ugly rooster adorned objects. In fact, we had a rooster tile that we use to pass around the family at Christmas time and laugh when she didn’t get the joke.

She once told a room of strangers that the best way to tell me and Kelly apart was to look at our faces. Mine was fat.

She used to ask my mom what her and my dad possibly had to talk about since he never went to college (as revolting as the thought is, I always wish my mom had said that they don’t need to talk during sex so it didn’t matter).

She belittled my family as often as possible, and constantly bragged about how wonderful her children and grandchildren were.

She lied about her age. She subtracted 10 years from her age, and it wasn’t until almost 20 years later that anyone knew how old she really was. 

She got cancer, and then got incredibly ill. She had round the clock nurses, and my granddad was forced to care for her because her family was nowhere to be seen. He himself is in his 90s and dealing with stomach cancer, but put all of that on hold to take care of her.

Today she died. 

I would love to say that I was sad when I heard the news. I would even love to say that I was surprised. We all knew that this was coming, and the first thing that I thought of was, “Now granddad is free! Now he can take care of himself. Now he can go see the Crazyhorse monument because he doesn’t have to be tethered to her care.”

In truth, I felt nothing. I am glad that she is not in pain anymore, and not miserable. I am glad that the stress and suffering that came with taking care of her is over, but other than that, I felt nothing about hearing the news. I am having a large internal debate today on whether or not I should be more sad, and whether or not my reaction to her passing is okay. I did not like her, and in the last five years have seen her maybe twice. Should I be sad? Should I offer to do things for my dad should he need it?

Feelings. Sometimes they suck. 

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6 comments

  1. mjadez · February 6, 2014

    You shouldn’t feel sad if you’re not. You should also want to do things for your father because you love him, and you care about what he’s going through. Stay strong 🙂

  2. Michelle Davis · February 6, 2014

    I guess it’s not what you take when you leave this world behind you, It’s what you leave behind you when you go. May we all learn the importance of our individual legacy. No matter what people think of me, I know I will have left behind three amazing people.

  3. Nathan Mizrachi · February 6, 2014

    Kim, your Dragon Lady grandma sounds exactly like my grampa. He was angry all the time–and not the type of person who was angry from alcohol, because he never drank. He beat my two uncles for no reason and although he didn’t touch my mom he was the most callous, unfeeling person I have ever encountered in my life. Two years ago he finally died alone in a nursing home. I felt nothing. I’m not sure if this woman was actually related to you by blood or just by marriage, but either way, if someone treats the people that you care about like shit (not to mention treating you like shit), you owe them nothing. There is nothing to be remorseful about. Live your life happy that your granddad has time to enjoy himself, and forget about this woman.

    • erranteditor · February 7, 2014

      I think I needed to hear that. I am glad that I am not the only one, and I am even more glad that it doesn’t make me a heartless person.

      • Nathan Mizrachi · February 7, 2014

        No way does it make you a heartless person! You feel the sort of emotions that this person, if she felt them at all, was incapable of expressing. Now get back to work! 😛

  4. Marla · February 11, 2014

    You shouldn’t feel bad or sad.. I felt the same way when my father passed. I never liked him, I think I loved him just because he was my father. He was a rude, ugly (inside) person, he was so unhappy and truly disliked, he wanted everyone around him to be unhappy. He died a lonely old man, no one came to his bedside, and no one wanted a funeral… I know I’m a better person, and not because of him, because of a wonderful loving mother who gave me all I needed to become who I am. Don’t feel bad.. It is what it is…

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