It is raining. It is cold. It is the end of June. I’m not happy. This weather is making me sad. On the upside, my last shift at the tutoring centre is tomorrow. I’m terrified. The money situation had gotten better, and I would be able to pay my loan payment and for therapy. Now, who knows. My mommy told me she will help me pay my bills, but I cannot ask for that amount of money every month. Hopefully something else will come along….or I will win the lottery.
But, me crying about money is not the point of the writing challenge. This week the challenge is dedicated to three rules that I live by. I’ve been thinking about this one all week. I know what my little moral compass says, but I am not always sure I can label it as a rule. I’ll do my best to try and put some things down though that cover the way I live.
Rule 1: Don’t be a shitlord
Although it is really difficult for me sometimes, I try to be compassionate to those around me. I’ve been working really hard over the last two years to be nicer to people and really try to be clam when dealing with situations that are stressful. This one is really hard, and this rule is a work in progress, but so far I have noticed that when I am nicer to people, they are nicer to me. I also have way less headaches. It has made my recent dark and twisty more bearable as well. My friends and family have been amazing at checking in, sending me care packages, and skyping with me. My friends here have let me cry to them, met me for dinner and drinks, and have offered to celebrate my last shift at the tutoring centre. I am a lucky lucky girl, and I think that part of it is because I am trying my hardest not to be a shitlord….and I am I willing to say I am sorry when I fuck up.
Valuable lesson: When in doubt, do yoga. Yoga helps keep you from being a shitlord.
Rule 2: Be a Flamingo in a flock of pigeons
I like cat videos. I love flamingos and trashy romance novels. I have a lot of tattoos and I love a liberal use of the word fuck. I am overly sarcastic and cynical. I moved 5,000 miles away from my family because the only place I have ever felt at home happens to be in Edinburgh, Scotland. I’m not really a fan of night clubs and public drunkenness. I think mustard should be its own food group, and I believe hot chocolate is a cure for just about anything. I love books. I love education. I love being a student. I have Lupus. I suffer from depression and crippling self doubt. I got kicked out of a programme for being a racist….some days I think I might be racist. People think I am weird and dorky, and you know what, I probably am.
But that’s okay. It took me ten years and a lot of therapy to be okay with who I am. I used to spend a lot of time wanting to please people and worrying about what people thought about me. I drove myself crazy for almost two years when I moved back to California trying to be happy there and feeling defensive about my gypsy soul. Since I have embraced my flamingo ways I have been to some amazing places and met some amazing people. The thing is, the weird is what leads to some of these friendships, and to some very interesting conversations. Learning to be happy with myself was hard, really hard, but I think by the time I turn 30 I will be a really good flamingo.
Rule 3: Always ask for help
This one speaks for itself. It doesn’t make you weak, or cause people to think less of you. In fact, most people will respect you more if you ask for help.
This week is going to be a doozy. I have the end of the tutoring centre, my transfer of title meeting to become an official PhD student, a conference in Manchester where I am presenting a paper, and a meeting with the other folks in Scotland who are using the same methodology.
I want a hug, and a puppy. or a puppy that gives hugs.