Author: erranteditor

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 10 and 11

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I’m home. I’m very happy about it. I loved every second of my time in the States, but I feel like the best version of me when I am in Edinburgh, so it feels really really really good to be home. I can’t believe it will be 365 days before I see most of my family again, but I cannot wait to celebrate my 30th birthday, and my nephew’s 1st birthday. That will be worth all the little things I miss being so far away from him. I’ve managed to miss a week of the writing challenge since I spent the end of my trip in Texas, where writing was not my top priority.

Week 10 is dedicated to my favourite quote. That is an easy one.

“Travel changes you. As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly, you leave marks behind, however small. And in return, life – and travel – leaves marks on you. Most of the time, those marks – on your body or on your heart – are beautiful. Often, though, they hurt.”
― Anthony Bourdain, The Nasty Bits: Collected Varietal Cuts, Usable Trim, Scraps, and Bones

I live my life punctuated by the trips that I get to take. It took me ten years to be comfortable with my wanderlust ways, and once I did, life became infinitely better for me. I take in all of the things I learn when I am traveling (or when I’ve moved to a new place) and let it become a part of me. Some of those things hurt, and they hurt a lot, but more often than not, what I take away from my wanderlust ways is beautiful. Even though I have just come back from the States, I am already itching to plan my next trip….I’m thinking Norway, or Paris, or Malta…or all of the above. Someone is going to have to monitor my credit card.

Week 11 is dedicated to something that I think is holding me back.

This one is a little bit harder to nail down. I think my fear of what others think holds me back a lot. I still have some unresolved PTSD and crazy abandonment issues, and until I really sort through those, I think I am very hesitant to make certain choices in my life. My writing is stalled, conferences and travel options aren’t always taken, and I spend a lot of time trying to please others. With the PhD, and a lot of exciting opportunities coming my way, the fear that holds me back could really hurt my timeline. I need to really learn to stop thinking about what others think and start making choices that are best for me. I did it once when I packed up and moved back to Scotland, but I’m not sure I can keep that trend going.

Although I have been 29 for 10 days, I have yet to make my list of 30 things I would like to do before I am 30. I’m stilling working on that, but I promise it will be done soon so I can start ticking things off of it. I think the first one might be to go back to therapy and work on some of my obvious issues.

The Scamp Writes a Letter

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Letter to the Spoiled Bulkhead Brat:

I realize now that you think you are the only one on a crowded flight. I understand that because you are sitting at the bulkhead, there is no one sitting in front of you. I completely understand that because no one is in front of you you forget that there are in fact people sitting behind you. See, what you don’t seem to understand is that the people behind you do not want to have to spend nine hours with you reclined in their lap, or have to refuse dinner because they do not have enough room to get the tray table down. While it is not your fault that British Airways cares more about making money than the comfort of their economy customers, ignoring my request to get out of my lap, and acting like you are the only person who wants to comfortable is something that you can control.

You see, I would love to be comfortable. People with Lupus often have a hard time flying because of all the swelling that goes on. It often makes sitting very uncomfortable. I would love to be able to stretch out and recline, but unlike you, my mother taught me that I am not the center of the universe, and that in situations like a nine hour flight, you have to be considerate of those around you.

I’m ashamed to admit that although my mother taught me manners and the art of basic human courtesy, and my seat has remained in the fully upright position for the comfort of the woman behind me, I have spent the better part of the last 5 hours with my knees pressed into the back of your seat to keep you from being able to recline. I’ve pushed extra hard on the screen to watch movies, shift and readjusted my knees every 20 minutes, and generally tried to make you life miserable. I’ve made passive aggressive comments while standing in front of you waiting for the toilet. After ignoring my request, you have called the stewardess to ‘mediate’ the situation. When she asked me if I was okay with you reclining, I practically shouted “Fuck no! I didn’t pay to have her in my lap” because I knew that you would hear, and so would the people around us.

I’m sorry. Not to you. You can suck my metaphorical dick….in fact, I hope you choke on it. No, I am apologizing to my mother who not only raised me better, but would be ashamed of the way I acted. I’m a 29 year old adult, not a 10 year old child. With two hours left in the flight, and no sleep or comfort in sight, I am going to try and be considerate of those around me and keep my knees to myself.

Yours with eternal scorn and hate fire,

The girl in 27H

The Scamp’s Last Day of Her 28th Year

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Tomorrow (Well, today in Scotland and Australia) I turn 29. The last year of my 20s. The year before I become a real adult. The year I finally get my shit together.

This time last year I had just found out that I had been awarded the position in Scotland, I was getting ready to jump out of an airplane, and I was finally starting to see some hope for my future. Let’s face it, 27 was a really shitty year. The upside of hitting rock bottom though is that you have nowhere to go but up.

28 was a pretty darn good year. I jumped out of a plane, I moved back home to Scotland, started my PhD, reconnected with some of my best friends, made some pretty incredible new friends, and spent more of the year than not really loving life. I got to visit Spain and Portugal, went to England, and got to return to Ireland. I laughed more than I cried, cooked my first Thanksgiving dinner, and finally moved into my own place after two years of living with my parents. I learned the delicate art of negotiating bus timetables, worked on improving my Spanish, and pushed forward as an academic.

Today I started the day with waffles and puppy love by the beach. I got to snark with truly one of the greatest women I know, and the walk along the beach was just long enough for my face to get sunburned. I then spent the rest of the day with my nephew. He’s perfect. I cannot gush enough about this little guy. He let me feed him without a fuss, he slept solidly for a few hours and let his parents get some sleep, and he went for a walk in the sunshine without much of a complaint. I left them before the next feeding and enjoyed a big piece of chocolate birthday cake (I am an adult after all).

I’m looking forward to all of the things that 29 has to offer. I’ve decided that I would like to do 30 new things before I turn 30. I want to make sure that I stay out of the dark and twisty as much as possible. I want to make great strides with my PhD. I want to be a better friend, and a better girlfriend. I want to see some more of the world. Luckily I have 365 days to make these things happen.

 

 

The Scamp and the 28th of February

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February 28th is fast becoming my favorite day of the year. Exactly one year ago today I listened to my supervisor Mark as he told me that he would be more than happy to offer me a fully funded position in the Department of Learning and Teaching at Edinburgh Napier University. That Skype call literally saved my life

Today I got to hold my nephew for the first time.

He’s perfect. He sounds like a goat when he cries, only wants  to be with his mama, and I swear, he already knows how to smile. While I have no desire for one of my own, I am totally in love with this little tiny human. I cannot wait until he gets the all clear from the hospital to come home so I can teach him the finer art of snark.

I can’t wait to see what the 28th if February brings me next year (hopefully it is a puppy).

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 8 and 9

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I’m currently sitting in my sister and brother-in-law’s living room in California. It is warm. I’m in shorts and a tank top. I have a belly full of Mexican food.

I am now an aunt.

Since I am a bit behind on the writing challenge, I thought now would be the perfect time to catch up. Week 8 is dedicated to a person that I love.

Let me tell you about the new love of my life Brandon Davis Rodriguez. He made his debut on the 26th of February at 2:22pm. He was 7 lbs 7 oz, and absolutely perfect. He held my hand, and I am pretty sure I melted into a puddle of goo.

He is perfect. He looks like his daddy. Because he decided to cook an extra five days, he was born with some fluid in his lungs, so he is being monitored by the NICU just to make sure he didn’t contract an infection. I haven’t gotten to hold him yet, but him holding my hand for a bit is enough to get me through the 17 hours I waited for labour to work it’s magic, and for all the work that I have put off doing for the last week while I have been in California. I wish that I had more time to spend in California to be with him, but for now, I am going to wrap that baby up in a moby and carry him everywhere with me.

Ughhh. I’m hopelessly in love with this little Branmuffin.

Week 9 is dedicated to something that I would like to learn.

There are a lot of things that I would like to learn. I want to learn how to get past my PTSD. I want to learn how to be a master of SPSS and knock my data analysis out of the park. I want to learn how to be a good partner in romantic relationships, and a less selfish person in friendships. I want to learn how to speak Spanish fluently, and be able to use it in conversation comfortably.

Most importantly, I want to be able to really get a handle on my depression and stop feeling like I live day to day not knowing when or if I am going to fall into a funk. People keep telling me that happiness is a choice, that I can just wake up every morning and choose not to be miserable. I wish it was that simple. I mean, duh, if I had the choice, I would much rather wake up happy and carefree. I like getting out of bed, being productive and enjoying life. I hate that not everyone understands the seriousness of my depression. The one thing I do know is that while I cannot necessarily erase my depression, I can learn how to keep the dark and twisty at bay, and learn to find more joy in the everyday. Therapy will be a big part in that, and daily photo updates of the new love of my life will also help. Once I get a handle on this nonsense, you can best believe I am going to tackle the rest of my list.

On the plus side, since I have been in California I have not felt the least bit out of place, the least bit lost, or the least bit upset. I’ve slept better than I have in months, am getting plenty of family time, and am avoiding people and things that might make me feel bad. I’ve also taken the last week off from anything academic related, so I am feeling pretty relaxed. I like the feeling of being here on vacation, but still feeling like I am part of the day to day happenings with my family. This trip definitely came at the perfect time, and will make me feel really really good when I get back to Scotland and can start kicking ass on my research and data collection.

The Scamp and a Mockingbird

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“Mockingbirds don’t do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don’t eat up people’s gardens, don’t nest in corncribs, they don’t do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird.”

Today the world lost a literary great. One of the great American novelists, Harper Lee has died at the age of 89. Lee rose to literary fame in 1960 with the publication of one of my favorite books, To Kill a Mockingbird. The book would win her the Pulitzer Prize in 1961, and be adapted to the big screen with Gregory Peck as the great Atticus Finch. Lee was never comfortable with the fame that came with her literary masterpiece, and for more than 55 years, it remained her only published work. In 2015, Go Set the Watchman was published, much to the dismay of diehard Lee fans. The novel was meant to be a sequal to TKAM, and featured Scout as an adult, and what happens when the illusions of childhood are stripped away. (I’ve written about it here https://ascampabroad.com/2015/07/21/the-scamp-sets-a-watchman/)

Lee was born in Monroeville, Alabama in 1926, and spent most of her life guarding her privacy. It is clear that the novel served as the backdrop for her novel, and that she was deeply affected by her life there. Although she moved to New York in 1949, she always remained a small town Alabama girl. She had a deep and powerful friendship with another great American author, Truman Capote. He served as the model for her character Dill, and she served as an assistant of sorts while he researched and wrote In Cold Blood. She all but disappeared from the spotlight until President Bush honored her with the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 2007. He called her novel a gift to the world.

He was not wrong.

Harper Lee has always been one of my favorite authors. To Kill A Mockingbird is a book I read over and over, and every time I do, I learn something new about myself, and about the characters I love so much. While I no longer have the naive hero worship of Atticus Finch that I did when I was younger, I am now better equipped to appreciate  what Lee did with her characters, and with the story that she was trying to get across. Her death is a huge loss for the literary world, but her novels will continue to make people think, make people talk to one another, and hopefully, make people have a greater appreciation for what it is like to walk in someone else’s shoes. She may not have really believed in her ability, and the good she did, but millions of people all over the world would tell her otherwise.

“People in their right minds never take pride in their talents.”
― Harper Lee

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 7

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It is currently a crisp 41 degrees in Edinburgh, and probably not much warmer in my flat. I leave for California in two days and I have yet to pack. I have a laundry list of things to do (including laundry), but it took me over an hour and half to get out of bed.

Right now the cold weather is not my friend.

The writing challenge for this week is based around thinking about something that I could be doing right at this moment that will help me get to where I want to be in the future. Given what I have said for the last three years about needing to break up with the United States, this is going to seem really strange, but I believe that the best thing I can do right now for my career and my future is go to California.

I’ve made no secret about the sneak attack of the dark and twisty. I’ve mentioned more than once that I miss the sun, and that I need a break from the cold. The research, my job, and my motivation have been tough. I’m not focused, not interested, and not the easiest to be around right now, so this mini vacation is coming at the perfect time. It will allow me a break from work, a break from the cold, and a chance to maybe get some much needed tan lines (seriously, I am scary white. If the power went out, we’d be fine because I glow in the dark). This three weeks will allow me a chance to recharge and destress a bit.

California has my cat. California also has my wombmate and my nephew who has been kind enough to wait until I am there to make his debut. I’ve missed the entire pregnancy, so at least I might be able to be there for the most important part. I am a little nervous about being back in California though. I am worried that I will feel out of place while I am at my parents’ home, and that no one will want to see me while I am there. All of those are silly thoughts, but they still creep in from time to time. Hopefully some time at the beach and some authentic Mexican food will cure that.

I guess it is time to get my giant suitcase out and get to packing.

The Scamp Walks a Fine Line

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Positivity is not my strong suit. I’m a glass half empty, bird shit on the face, permanent bad day kinda gal. It is something I am trying to work on it, but struggle a bit when life throws me some curve balls. At the end of this week I have my 6 month review and determination of title for my PhD. I have been feeling pretty great about the work I have been able to do so far, but I am still a little nervous about presenting it to my supervisors and my new external chair. I still have a little doctoral program PTSD, and I am in a constant worry that I am going to screw up my chances here the way I screwed up in Fullerton.

I am starting to feel the effects of the fear in a big way.

I was hired to be the first educational pedagogy PhD at the university. Along with the PhD, I was going to run a university wide project to help update and improve the assessment and feedback practices of the degree granting programs. I thought I would be able to pull data from the project to use for my own research, and be able to do both tasks in well balanced harmony. Long story short, I was told that someone more senior than me needed to be in charge of the project, but as the resident TESTA expert, I would have a role to play in the project, and be there to offer guidance and support. I have strong feelings for the project and what can be done with a fresh approach to feedback, but my ego is also healthy enough to not have to be “the leader”. I understand the underlying politics that go along with a university-wide project, and my position as someone who is not quite an employee, but not quite a member of staff in the Department of Learning and Teaching Enhancement (I know, I work for a department called DOLT….when I started 6 months ago was ASPEN, which I was way more fond of). Now that the project is underway, it has become more apparent than ever that I do not have a strong presence yet on campus.

I have been trying to walk the fine line between standing up for what I want to do, and playing the political game. I am so traumatized with what happened at CSUF that I have almost become a doormat. I’m not being treated fairly, and because I am not trying to rock the boat, I have not been speaking up. In a meeting today, when I was disrespected in a room full of important people at the university, I didn’t correct the insult. I’m so afraid to make waves, so afraid that I am going to repeat the mistakes of last year, that I am in serious danger of becoming a doormat. Finding the right balance is hard, and trying not to equate this program with the program from hell is even harder.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who let me talk out out my feelings, a manpanion who celebrated my victories with me, and a mommy who is not afraid to give me a gentle kick in the ass to get off the floor and stand up for myself.  I’m really the luckiest girl in the world. It is nice to be reminded of that when I am trying to stay out of the dark and twisty.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 6

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In 30 days I will say goodbye 28 and hello to 29. I’m excited about it. 28 was an amazing year for me, and I am finally headed in the right direction. It took me ten years to become comfortable with who I am, and every year I get closer to 30, is a year I figure my shit out.

Or, at least, that is what I tell myself.

The challenge for this week is to write about something I would like to change about myself. I think that on any given day there is a lot that I would like to change about myself. I’d love it if I wasn’t so tired all the time. I’d love it if I had a little more motivation to sit down and write without super strict deadlines. I’d love it if I wasn’t swimming in debt. That last one isn’t really something that I can change about myself. Plus, that debt got me to Scotland, so as much as I stress about it, it really is a good thing.

I guess the one thing that I would change about myself is my negativity. When I’m tired, when I am stressed, when things don’t go the way I want them to with other people, I go right to the dark and twisty. I automatically think the worst, and those thoughts spiral out of control every now and then. I know that I am a major pain in the ass for my friends, family, and the boyfriend every now and then. I would love it if I could override the part of my brain that automatically makes me see the world as glass half empty. Therapy has done a lot to help with it, but for some reason my brain is resisting the new programming. I hope that it is one of the things that I can change before I turn 30. I think I am going to need a lot more therapy to help with that though.

While I ponder the nature of my negativity and how to fix it, I have 12 days before I head back to the United States for the birth of my nephew and the wedding of one of the besties. I’m excited for those events, and to see my family, but I have no real desire to be back in the United States. A seven month break just does not seem to be long enough. It will be interesting to see how I fare once I am there. Hopefully I don’t take the wind and rain with me. I could really use some sunshine.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 5

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Week 5 was an interesting week. It was busy, and I had a scary doctor’s appointment and a blown fuse to fix (see previous post). While there were parts of the week that sucked, I survived, and am one week closer to going back to California to welcome my nephew into the world, and be a bridesmaid for a very good friend. I’m looking forward to sunshine, warm weather and no tutoring center.

I’m especially looking forward to that last one.

But I digress. Week five is dedicated to the best part of my week. That is an easy one. The best part of my week was spending Sunday evening/night with the manpanion. We watched a really great Indonesian action film

After the movie we laid in bed and talked about books and movies we wanted to read and see, and we watched a lot of trailers on Youtube. Every time I was about to fall asleep, he’d reach for his phone and show me something else. We’d laugh, I’d make fun of him for his excitement, we’d settle in to sleep and he then he would think of something else to show me.

For me, there are a lot of reasons this was my favorite part of the week. I love any time I get to spend with him, but it was also a break from everything. We didn’t talk about my health, or my PhD, or the tutoring center, or my depression. We just hung out together and laughed. My depression and stress often effects my mood, and therefore my relationships, and unfortunately in the last few months, he has gotten a tiny bit of it. We also have very different styles of communication, which sometimes leaves me frustrated, but after a couple of really good chats, we’ve settled back into a happy medium. It was nice to have something in the week not go completely tits up. It also means that I get to start the new week on a positive, which will hopefully carry over to everything I have to get done this week.

If not, I will just pout until he agrees to a cuddle, or takes my not so subtle hint that I would like a puppy for my birthday.

I think I almost have him convinced that that last one is a good idea.