The Scamp and Dust

Posted on April 8, 2014 by erranteditor

photo courtesy of https://www.google.com/biohazard

When I took the job as a library assistant 6 months ago, I knew I was taking a job well below my skill set. I knew that I was taking a job a monkey could do, and that it wouldn’t be long before I started to feel a bit bored and search out projects to keep me interested. Basically, I knew I was not going to love this job.

Today I started a project that makes me dread my job.

Today I started shelf cleaning.

Those of you who have worked in libraries are already feeling my pain. Shelf cleaning means taking all of the books off the shelves, wiping down the shelves with school approve cleaning products, dusting off the books and putting them back on the shelf. When done with a group of people working in different parts of the collection, it wouldn’t take long. With just one person, it will take the better part of 6 months.

The shelves have not been cleaned in well over a year. They look a little something like this:

I spent three hours today covered in dust before I threw in the towel and hid at my desk. I left covered in dust, smelling like cleaning agent and feeling dirty. The worst part of this project is the fact that there are no rules about food in the library and students where I work are pretty lazy. There will be rotted apple cores, half eaten sandwiches, trash, and who knows what other surprises waiting for me on some of these shelves. When I mentioned to my mentor that I was about to start the project, she reminded me I needed to wear gloves and a mask while working. Student already give me funny looks while I working, so there is no way I am adding to the weird.

Imagine the looks I would get in this getup while I work……on the other hand, it would keep my clothes clean…..

The project is job security since no one can be fussed to do the work if I don’t, but it is not really one of the tasks that I would like to be doing. I did a little of this at the last library I worked at, but I always had students to help, and other co-workers that jumped in and would lend a hand. I can choose to sulk over the lack of help (which I think I have done now) or I can choose to see this as a test of fortitude. How long can I make it before I grow a dust bunny in my lung or do permanent damage from inhaling cleaning solution?

I guess it is a good thing my government supplied fake insurance has kicked in.

The Scamp and a Birthday

Posted on April 6, 2014 by erranteditor

Today is Mama Scamp’s birthday!

She started out as a curious little tyke with the crazy bowl cut.

She was a crazy dare devil growing up, having broken most of her bones at one point in time. She played baseball, basketball, and has had the same exact smile since she was a little kid. Everyone who knew my grandma will see a lot of her in my mom.

My mommy has always been a hottie. I’m not sure how she managed to skip over the awkward stage that most of us have (or in my case, am still having).

She is definitely my favorite person. No matter what I do, she supports me 100%. She paid for my first degree, has helped me move to and from countless apartments, and has done her best to help me whenever I ask. She has currently given up her office so that I have a place to study and lets me live at home rent free so that I can pay off my debt from Scotland.

She really is the only one who gets me. We laugh at things no one thinks are funny, we can spend hours watching cat videos, and she supports all of my crazy ideas for back-up careers.

She lost her mom over 20 years ago and I think that made her work extra hard to make sure that all of us kids were taken care of. We know we can always come home, always call her for help, and count on her to do something to make us laugh. She spoils us rotten (but I am totally okay with that).

She is my best friend and favorite person. I pity people who do not have a mom as awesome as mine.

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on April 4, 2014 by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better. One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

The Scamp’s Happy Challenge: Day 3

Posted on April 2, 2014 by erranteditor

Today I was at a loss. It is only day three of the challenge, and I could not for the life of me think about an activity I could do that would make me happy.

I went to work and then conducted some focus groups for a research project, and while my brain was full of work mode until about 5 pm.

This is where my amazing teammates come into play. As we were walking away from an eye opening session, I made the comment about my quest for one bit of happiness a day, and told them that I was at a loss for what to do. They asked me about my favorite meal, or movie, and then suggested that we go across the street so that I could have ice cream for dinner.

The fact that they wanted to partake in my challenge meant a lot to me. I really value their friendship, and I welcome any chance I have to spend with them outside the confines of class. Instead of ice cream, we ended up at a tasty taco shop and shared stories of travels abroad, issues we have with our program, and how horrible UK Mexican food is.

I’ve realized lately that I crave human connection. I crave social activity, and time away from my own thoughts, which tend toward the negative. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the time between doing things that make me happy, and I think I am finally starting to understand what I want, who I want, and what changes I really need to make to be happy.

Some of the choices that I have to make are starting to seem like they are going to suck.

Really really suck.

The Scamp’s Happy Challenge: Day 2

Posted on April 1, 2014 by erranteditor

I had the day off from work today, so I got to start my day doing something that made me happy: sleeping in. I love not having to wake up to an alarm, and it was a rare day where I had absolutely no where to be. That is a new thing for me lately, and I loved it. I answered emails from bed, cuddled with my cat, and took my time getting dressed.

I was also able to get a bit of research done for the case study project, and although it really only amounts to about half a written page, it is a start, and I feel a bit better about it.

The activity for that I designated for the day though was a shopping trip with my mom. I really wasn’t expecting to buy much, but the day seemed to be made for me. I ended up with some nice shirts, new yoga clothes, two dresses, a bathing suit, and three pairs of shoes.

My favorite purchase of the day is the new flamingo print dress. I’m nuts about flamingos, and the white dress has a fun cut and great pink flamingos all over it. I cannot wait to wear it in public. I even have the perfect necklace and a cute pair of shoes to wear with it.

While finding joy in material things is not really something I do often, there is something to be said about some fresh new styles for the coming summer. I think the best part of the trip was the first bathing suit I tried on. It was awful. The cut of the top made me look like I was trying to separate and bind my boobs. I looked horrible. So horrible in fact that the only thing I could do was laugh hysterically at it. My mom hasn’t laughed that hard in awhile, so I am pretty sure it looked even worse than I thought it did.

I have work and focus groups tomorrow, so I am not sure what my happiness activity is going to be yet, but I am looking forward to the night off from class and being home and at a decent hour.

The Scamp and a Shake-up

Posted on March 31, 2014 by erranteditor

For the last 48 hours there have been 2 really strong earthquakes and about 100 aftershocks. I’m really over the earth moving. The really strong quake scared the beejezus out of me. It was a 5.1, which although not seriously deadly, was centered in the street outside my house, so it felt more like a 7. All of the pictures flew off the walls, all of the drawers and cabinets opened, books fell off the shelves, and I call my mom crying like a baby begging her to come home from their place in the mountains. No one was hurt, only one glass was broken, and after a bit of clean-up, everything was back in proper working order.

While the quake shook me up, it also gave me an idea.

I need to shake up my routine. I’ve spent the last few months wallowing in my depression. That is enough time. Considering I didn’t like the therapists at school, and I won’t have insurance for a couple more months, I need to do what I can for myself to make it better.

I am on spring break from the university this week, so I have decided that I am going to do one thing every day this week that makes me happy. Sunday to Sunday, I will pick something new every day that makes me happy.

Sunday I did a couple of things that made me happy. I started the day with a Skype chat. I have not been very good about talking to my friends from Scotland. I was spending every weekend with the boy, so I was not following through with the regular Sunday chats. Being able to hear their voices was so amazing! I missed them more than I realized, and it was nice for a bit of a catch-up with them. It has not quelled my need to get up and move from here, but it did make me feel a lot better hearing their voices.

The next thing I did was have dinner with my sister. She got me some amazing prints of pin-up girls that I am going to slowly frame and hang up in random places. We ate yummy food and watched ridiculous TV. I got my social fix, and in a way that makes me happy.

I have Monday off from work, so I am going to sleep in, get ready for the week of focus groups, and make a list of all of the things that I want to do this week to make me happy. I’m also going to do a bit of spring cleaning….of both things and people that are making me miserable and not adding anything to my life. Without some of the clutter, physical and emotional, maybe I will be able to get myself feeling better before I can see a doctor.

The Homesick Scamp

Posted on March 29, 2014 by erranteditor

I’m homesick.

Horribly horribly homesick.

Considering I am sitting on my couch watching my TV, this presents a bit of a problem.

The last couple of months I have been pretty mopey. I’ve been a lot busier this semester between classwork and the third job, which means I have had less free time, and less time to see my friends. I feel tired all of the time, and I’ve now entered that sad restless state that has me convinced that not only am I going to die alone as a spinster cat lady, but I am going to do it stuck in a job that I hate, surrounded by people that I hate.

The last time I felt like this I was in a dead end night job, in a miserable relationship, and spending more time alone than interacting with people.

The last time I felt like this, I applied to the University of Edinburgh and moved to Scotland 6 months later.

That was still the best choice I have ever made, but I now find myself incredibly homesick for the life that I had there. I wasn’t working, I lived two doors down from my friends, and a quick walking distance from the others. I walked everywhere, explored everything, and even though I had my heart broken there, I healed there, and really took my time to find myself. It was my first time completely on my own in a new place, and it was just the sort of adventure that I needed.

I can’t seem to recreate that adventure here. I have great friends (some old, most new, some back in my life after a long absence, some who will be in my life for a very long time), but it just isn’t the same. I have to get in my car to see them, try and find time between work, school and homework, and the busy lives and schedules of those around me.

The problem is, I am locked in here. I am making money now, but not enough to pay my bills and live alone, and the program does not allow for study abroad. I have a year and some change before I can actually start working on my dissertation, and the more time I spend alone, the more I wish that I was completing this research in Scotland.

For the last couple of weeks I have been daydreaming about dropping out of the program, packing a bag and my cat, and moving to New Zealand. I miss accents, miss the sense of adventure, miss the person that I was when I was overseas.

This restless, mopey energy has led to drastic changes (haircut anyone?), a lack of sleep, and an intense desire to sleep all day.

I have a lot of good things ahead of me. I have a great research opportunity that will lead to a publication, I am employed (and can almost pay all of my bills), I am making great connections that may lead to a teaching gig, and despite not having insurance, I have been in reasonably good health. The problem is, I can’t seem to focus on all the good stuff. The only thing I can focus on is how badly I want to run away and start a new adventure where no one knows me (preferably a place with free healthcare). Depression is a messy thing, and being run by my stress and depression is even worse.

I’m glad that spring is here and I will be able to sit outside more. Maybe the Vitamin D will help my mood. I’m also going to actually sign up for insurance this weekend. I tried the website, and that didn’t work, but hopefully an agent will be more successful.

Then it will be doc appointments and check-ups galore.

and the hunt for a new therapist….because a few more sessions couldn’t hurt, could they?

*On a completely unrelated note, in the middle of typing this there was a small earthquake. I’m home alone, and while the earthquake was small, I am still shaking (pun intended). Looks like the cat and I will be sleeping under the solid wood table tonight, just in case.

The Scamp’s Motivational Poster

Posted on March 27, 2014 by erranteditor

I love this poster. I’m a huge fan of the F word, but I am also a huge fan of little reminders to keep my fucking butt in gear.

If you should feel the need for your own motivational poster with a lot of fucks on it, you can find it here: http://shop.tapiture.com/collections/buyers-picks/products/classic-advice-print-in-black

I have a lot to do to get ready for this weekend. I’m drafting questions for my dissertation, working on a literature review, and getting ready for focus group sessions. I’m going to need all the fucking motivation I can get.

The Scamp Enjoys Someone Else’s Wisdom

Posted on March 25, 2014 by erranteditor

This was posted on LifeBuzz. I’m afraid to say I am guilty of a lot of these (especially lately). Number 8 is the one that I have the most trouble with, and number 15 is one that the boy and I disagree on. He thinks competition between people is good.

It gives me something to ponder and some things to work on. Maybe they will give someone else something to ponder too.

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself. #10 Is An Absolute Must.

Marc and Angel, two passionate writers, life-hackers and “admirers of the human spirit,” have come up with an amazing list of 30 things to stop doing to yourself. If you like their list, make sure you check out their site and sign up to their amazing newsletter.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

#2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

#3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.

#4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

#6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.

#7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.

#8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.

#9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

#10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.

#11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.

#12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.

#13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen – in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.

#14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.

#15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.

#16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: “What’s something I have that everyone wants?”

#17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.

#18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the answer… let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.

#19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

#20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

#21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.

#22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.

#23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.

#24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.

#25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either – cry if you need to – it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.

#26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility – you give others power over that part of your life.

#27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.

#28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: “Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?” If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.

#29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.

#30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Credit: marcandangel.com

This is such a beautiful list, and we all are guilty of some of these. The best thing to do is just remember each day to appreciate and reflect a bit, even if it’s only a few minutes. Share this amazing list by clicking below.

A Scamp and the Springtime

Posted on March 21, 2014 by erranteditor

Today marks the first day of Spring (well, not really in California since it has basically been like summer since last summer). Spring is a time of rebirth, a time to clean out the old and make room for the new.

It is a time for change.

But who gets to determine where the old ends and the new begins? Is it a day on the calendar? A birthday? A new year? Is it an event?

That change, ideally, should be something that gives us hope. It gives a new way to view the world, a new way to view our world. It is about letting go of old habits, bad memories. It becomes vital that we never stop believing that we can start over, that we can create a new beginning. It’s important to remember though that sometimes, amongst all the shit, bad habits, and bad memories are a few things worth holding on to.

I have been saying for the better part of a year that it is time for a change. I’ve been saying it, but the change I am seeking has yet to really happen. I’ve been trying different things, figuring out what works and what doesn’t. I am now one year removed from heartstompapolooza, but I am not quite sure I have changed and matured enough. At times, for every one step forward, I took three steps back. For every little mountain I climbed, I tripped and rolled off a cliff. I’ve been lucky enough to have a good support system to help me through the backsliding, but it leaves me to wonder: why is permanent change so scary?

I was recently asked why I constantly say I am going to change some of the more negative aspects of my personality. but then fail to really do so. That made me think of a quote from one of the Grey’s Anatomy episodes I continually binge on:

Change… We don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I hate hurting. I take a lot of medication to keep myself from hurting. I avoid emotions and keep myself closed up to keep from hurting. I stubbornly refuse to change aspects of my personality because I do not want to go through the pain that comes with breaking down old habits, and trying to build new ones (for me, that usually involves a lot of tears, and let’s face it, I am a messy crier).

A year ago, I weathered the pain to make some very necessary changes. I spent the last few months in Scotland happier than I had been in years. I had the help of a professional, but I was finally (and somewhat painfully) learning how to break old habits and change my way of thinking.

Spring means the fast approaching deadline to sign up for insurance. Even though I am less than thrilled about my options on that front, I am looking forward to having the option to see a professional for more than the four sessions the school gives me to put me back on the track I was on in Scotland.

Because in the end

The Scamp Abroad

The musings of a wandering expat

Ed.D Phase