PhD Craze

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 7

Posted on by erranteditor

It is currently a crisp 41 degrees in Edinburgh, and probably not much warmer in my flat. I leave for California in two days and I have yet to pack. I have a laundry list of things to do (including laundry), but it took me over an hour and half to get out of bed.

Right now the cold weather is not my friend.

The writing challenge for this week is based around thinking about something that I could be doing right at this moment that will help me get to where I want to be in the future. Given what I have said for the last three years about needing to break up with the United States, this is going to seem really strange, but I believe that the best thing I can do right now for my career and my future is go to California.

I’ve made no secret about the sneak attack of the dark and twisty. I’ve mentioned more than once that I miss the sun, and that I need a break from the cold. The research, my job, and my motivation have been tough. I’m not focused, not interested, and not the easiest to be around right now, so this mini vacation is coming at the perfect time. It will allow me a break from work, a break from the cold, and a chance to maybe get some much needed tan lines (seriously, I am scary white. If the power went out, we’d be fine because I glow in the dark). This three weeks will allow me a chance to recharge and destress a bit.

California has my cat. California also has my wombmate and my nephew who has been kind enough to wait until I am there to make his debut. I’ve missed the entire pregnancy, so at least I might be able to be there for the most important part. I am a little nervous about being back in California though. I am worried that I will feel out of place while I am at my parents’ home, and that no one will want to see me while I am there. All of those are silly thoughts, but they still creep in from time to time. Hopefully some time at the beach and some authentic Mexican food will cure that.

I guess it is time to get my giant suitcase out and get to packing.

The Scamp Walks a Fine Line

Posted on by erranteditor

Positivity is not my strong suit. I’m a glass half empty, bird shit on the face, permanent bad day kinda gal. It is something I am trying to work on it, but struggle a bit when life throws me some curve balls. At the end of this week I have my 6 month review and determination of title for my PhD. I have been feeling pretty great about the work I have been able to do so far, but I am still a little nervous about presenting it to my supervisors and my new external chair. I still have a little doctoral program PTSD, and I am in a constant worry that I am going to screw up my chances here the way I screwed up in Fullerton.

I am starting to feel the effects of the fear in a big way.

I was hired to be the first educational pedagogy PhD at the university. Along with the PhD, I was going to run a university wide project to help update and improve the assessment and feedback practices of the degree granting programs. I thought I would be able to pull data from the project to use for my own research, and be able to do both tasks in well balanced harmony. Long story short, I was told that someone more senior than me needed to be in charge of the project, but as the resident TESTA expert, I would have a role to play in the project, and be there to offer guidance and support. I have strong feelings for the project and what can be done with a fresh approach to feedback, but my ego is also healthy enough to not have to be “the leader”. I understand the underlying politics that go along with a university-wide project, and my position as someone who is not quite an employee, but not quite a member of staff in the Department of Learning and Teaching Enhancement (I know, I work for a department called DOLT….when I started 6 months ago was ASPEN, which I was way more fond of). Now that the project is underway, it has become more apparent than ever that I do not have a strong presence yet on campus.

I have been trying to walk the fine line between standing up for what I want to do, and playing the political game. I am so traumatized with what happened at CSUF that I have almost become a doormat. I’m not being treated fairly, and because I am not trying to rock the boat, I have not been speaking up. In a meeting today, when I was disrespected in a room full of important people at the university, I didn’t correct the insult. I’m so afraid to make waves, so afraid that I am going to repeat the mistakes of last year, that I am in serious danger of becoming a doormat. Finding the right balance is hard, and trying not to equate this program with the program from hell is even harder.

Luckily I have some amazing friends who let me talk out out my feelings, a manpanion who celebrated my victories with me, and a mommy who is not afraid to give me a gentle kick in the ass to get off the floor and stand up for myself.  I’m really the luckiest girl in the world. It is nice to be reminded of that when I am trying to stay out of the dark and twisty.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 6

Posted on by erranteditor

In 30 days I will say goodbye 28 and hello to 29. I’m excited about it. 28 was an amazing year for me, and I am finally headed in the right direction. It took me ten years to become comfortable with who I am, and every year I get closer to 30, is a year I figure my shit out.

Or, at least, that is what I tell myself.

The challenge for this week is to write about something I would like to change about myself. I think that on any given day there is a lot that I would like to change about myself. I’d love it if I wasn’t so tired all the time. I’d love it if I had a little more motivation to sit down and write without super strict deadlines. I’d love it if I wasn’t swimming in debt. That last one isn’t really something that I can change about myself. Plus, that debt got me to Scotland, so as much as I stress about it, it really is a good thing.

I guess the one thing that I would change about myself is my negativity. When I’m tired, when I am stressed, when things don’t go the way I want them to with other people, I go right to the dark and twisty. I automatically think the worst, and those thoughts spiral out of control every now and then. I know that I am a major pain in the ass for my friends, family, and the boyfriend every now and then. I would love it if I could override the part of my brain that automatically makes me see the world as glass half empty. Therapy has done a lot to help with it, but for some reason my brain is resisting the new programming. I hope that it is one of the things that I can change before I turn 30. I think I am going to need a lot more therapy to help with that though.

While I ponder the nature of my negativity and how to fix it, I have 12 days before I head back to the United States for the birth of my nephew and the wedding of one of the besties. I’m excited for those events, and to see my family, but I have no real desire to be back in the United States. A seven month break just does not seem to be long enough. It will be interesting to see how I fare once I am there. Hopefully I don’t take the wind and rain with me. I could really use some sunshine.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 5

Posted on by erranteditor

Week 5 was an interesting week. It was busy, and I had a scary doctor’s appointment and a blown fuse to fix (see previous post). While there were parts of the week that sucked, I survived, and am one week closer to going back to California to welcome my nephew into the world, and be a bridesmaid for a very good friend. I’m looking forward to sunshine, warm weather and no tutoring center.

I’m especially looking forward to that last one.

But I digress. Week five is dedicated to the best part of my week. That is an easy one. The best part of my week was spending Sunday evening/night with the manpanion. We watched a really great Indonesian action film

After the movie we laid in bed and talked about books and movies we wanted to read and see, and we watched a lot of trailers on Youtube. Every time I was about to fall asleep, he’d reach for his phone and show me something else. We’d laugh, I’d make fun of him for his excitement, we’d settle in to sleep and he then he would think of something else to show me.

For me, there are a lot of reasons this was my favorite part of the week. I love any time I get to spend with him, but it was also a break from everything. We didn’t talk about my health, or my PhD, or the tutoring center, or my depression. We just hung out together and laughed. My depression and stress often effects my mood, and therefore my relationships, and unfortunately in the last few months, he has gotten a tiny bit of it. We also have very different styles of communication, which sometimes leaves me frustrated, but after a couple of really good chats, we’ve settled back into a happy medium. It was nice to have something in the week not go completely tits up. It also means that I get to start the new week on a positive, which will hopefully carry over to everything I have to get done this week.

If not, I will just pout until he agrees to a cuddle, or takes my not so subtle hint that I would like a puppy for my birthday.

I think I almost have him convinced that that last one is a good idea.

 

The Scamp Blows a Fuse

Posted on by erranteditor

The universe was certainly not throwing me any bones this week. I had to spend one day this week learning how to be a salesmonkey for the tutoring centre, and got sent home from the same centre after the care inspector came to accredit the centre and it was discovered that I still had some pending paperwork, and I spent the better part of Friday at the doctor’s office having half my blood drained from my body, and having to expose myself to a nurse so the UK can be sure I don’t have cervical cancer.

Usually I have a two dinner minimum before someone can get that up close and personal with my cervix…..just saying.

In my rush to get the doc appointment sorted, get to the tutoring centre on time, and generally not be a cranky pants, I blew a fuse in my flat. I was lucky enough to only blow the ones that control the overhead lights. My power, heating, and cooking appliances all still worked.

The bad news is that I only have overhead lights.

Have you ever tried to pee in pitch black? It is scary.

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A little mood lighting on a Friday night.

The problem with my flat is that it does not have a circuit breaker box. It should have been as simple as flipping a switch, I could flip a switch. I’m embarrassed to admit that I had to text my landlord to actually find out where the circuit box was. I have been starring at it for months without actually knowing what it is….because it was outdated in the 1960s.

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Luckily the circuits were labeled, so I knew what needed to be fixed. I wasn’t super comfortable with fixing it on my own though. I text my landlord, and she basically told me I was on my own and to have fun fixing it.

I did what any self respecting girl does when she is tired, ill, and doesn’t know what to do with electrical problems: I called my mom and cried. Luckily she was nice enough to let me cry, and reminded me of some things to do to make sure I didn’t blow up the flat.

I then used my research skills to find a hardware store near mines, and set off this morning on a trip to find a new fuse. The first place I went did not have what I needed. The guy who runs the store laughed when he saw the fuse because no one uses them anymore. He suggested that I might need a man to help me out, and then pointed me in the direction of a vacuum repair shop that he thought might have what I needed.

I love that vacuum repair shop. When I walked in I was greeted by a woman in her late 50s. She laughed when I told her I was a fish out of water and not really sure what to do. She was super nice and explained that I needed to replace the fuse wire, and how to do that before sending me on my way. She told me she had faith that I would be fine.

I made it home with a mission. I checked Youtube for a video just in case I forgot anything, and then I got to work.

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I was surprised that once I had the fuse wire I actually had all of the supplies that I needed to restring the fuse.

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I was able to get the wire into the fuse and trimmed and wrapped appropriately.

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Viola! A fixed fuse!

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And then there was light!

Considering I cried when I was told I had to do it myself, I was all about the victory dance when I got the lights back on. In the end, it wasn’t a hard thing to do at all, but it was the fact that I was able to do it on my own without screwing anything up really made me happy. I was expecting it to take more than an hour to fix. While I was at work my landlord dropped off some fuses, and while it was too late, I appreciate the gesture.

I also have a new found appreciation for lamps. I am going to invest some lamps.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 4

Posted on by erranteditor

Rain. Three days of rain. Today I made the rookie mistake of forgetting my umbrella, and by the time I got to work, I was a wet soggy mess.

I came to the office for a meeting, but the guy I have the meeting with did not show up to work today….and I still have to go to the tutoring center…the place that is slowly stealing my soul.

So, because the day started out a bit pish, I decided that a look into the next week of the challenge was not a bad idea. This week is dedicated to the last thing that I celebrated.

Last week I celebrated the new beginning for one of my friends from the university. She is off to New Zealand in a week to start a PhD. While I am really sad that she is leaving (for purely selfish reasons), I cannot wait for her to get settled into her life there. She has packed up all of her stuff here and shipped her entire life overseas. I know that she is nervous, but I also know that she will rock it when she is there.

We celebrated the best way we know how: Mexican food. We went to a little place tucked down an alley, and although I was initially skeptical, the food was amazing.

photo: https://www.facebook.com/elcartelmexicana/
photo: https://www.facebook.com/elcartelmexicana/

Along with the good food was an amazing hip hop playlist, and excellent company. I am going to miss dinners with the four of us from the office, and all the laughing and ridiculousness that comes with our nights out, but I think it will be fun to try and recreate these night via Skype. I’m not always a great friend, but I am an excellent pen pal. Luckily technology will keep us from feeling the distance too much.

I cannot wait to hear all about her research, see all of the pictures from a place that I would love to visit, and eventually inviting myself over for a bit of a holiday!

The Scamp and a Play

Posted on by erranteditor

For the last 12 weeks some of the kids at the tutoring center have been participating in a Wednesday night creative writing class. This session was devoted to learning about plays. The kids learned about different types of plays and what components are unique to drama, tragedy, and comedy. I came into the session during week 8 to fill in for another tutor, and I got to work with the comedy kids.

I loved it. I know that I hate working at the tutoring center, but working with the kids and listening to their crazy ideas was fantastic. I helped them write dialogue and stage directions, but for the most part, the entire play was their doing. Tonight we performed them for the parents, and I am crushed that I cannot have a copy of the video of all four of the plays because I honestly haven’t laughed that hard in a long long time. I did sneak a copy of my script home so that I could share the magic with the rest of the world.

Enjoy.

The 3002 Beijing Olympics

Scene 1:

(the athletes are all warming up and stretching in a room. Flace Sun, a cat, is not there yet. A banner that reads “3002 Beijing Olympics” hangs above them. The narrator walks on stage

Narrator: Welcome to the 3002 Beijing Olympics! Competing today in swimming we have Flace Sun and Sabdy Doom. In the 50cm dash we have PeterBread Sandwich, Rhythmic Gymnastics we have Adriana, and the twins Holly and Molly will compete in the three-legged race!

(Flace Sun enters)

SD: ( A nervous rabbit with a habit of running into walls. He angrily pointing at FS) YOU FLACE SUN, YOU WILL NEVER WIN!

FS: (scared, crawling away) Not him again!

PBS: (A hamster, he is wearing slippers that are four sizes too big. As he is stretching, one of his slippers flies off and hits Adriana)

A: (A gymnast who suffers from Narcolepsy. She is sleeping near a chair. She wakes up when the shoe hits her and starts yelling at the chair) HOW DARE YOU?! You can never compete with me! (Starts to stretch)

PBS: (looking relieved) Looks like I got away with that!

A: (Finds slipper) Wait a second….(looks around)

PBS: (nervously laughs) Hey, I have a slipper that looks like that!

Scene 2

Narrator: Our first even today is swimming! Competing we have the favourites to win, in Lane 1: Flace Sun, in Lane 2: Sabdy Doom. These two are fierce rivals who have competed many times before…

FS: (pushes SD and he falls, bumping into the other competitors who fall down) Hehehehehe!

SD: (Getting up) You think you are going to win? I am WAY faster than you! I’ve been practicing my diving into my rabbit hole at home!

FS: (Crossing her arms) Uhhhh…. We’ll see about that. (Licks paws to get ready).

Narrator: On your marks! (FS and SD stand on blue boxes) Get set! (Competitors put arms up in diving position) Go!

(Other competitors mime swimming and take the lead)

FS: (Jumps in water) MIAOW!! I forgot cats like me HATE water! (Starts cleaning herself all over to get off the water)

SD: (Looks back at FS) YES! I’m beating Flace! (Bumps into wall) OW! (Rubs head) I feel dizzy…. (Starts swaying around)

Medic: (Leadingn SD away by the arm) Come on Sabdy Doom, let’s get you sat down.

Narrator: In a drastic turn of events, hot favourites Flace Sun and Sabdy Doom are out of the running!

Scene 3

(Runners lined up at the starting line)

Narrator: (Loud and excited voice) Our three runners are ready for the 50cm race and our hope is that one of them breaks the world record of 20 hours and 51 seconds today. (Runners start elbowing each other for a better position)

Narrator: Runners, on your mark….get set…go! And they’re off! Steven takes an early lead, followed closely by Amy. It looks like Peter Bread Sandwich is having a hard time running in his slippers (PBS trips over a slipper as it falls off. He goes back to try and put it on) Look at that! Amy just overtook Steven! Now Steven has caught up with Amy! (concerned) Peter Bread Sandwich is still 15 cm behind. It looks like he has lost his chance to win this race! (PBS huffs and sits down in the middle of the track)

Scene 4

Narrator: Welcome everybody to the three-legged race! Can I have all contestants to the starting line please?

Molly: (Looking around nervously) I lost my twin! How am I going to race?

Contestant: Tie her legs together!

(Everybody laughs)

Narrator: That’s a great idea! (ties Molly’s legs together) Racers, on your mark…get set….go!

(Contestants all start running for the finish line. Molly instantly falls on her face)

Molly: I’m stuck! (She gets to her feet, but falls again after one step)

Narrator: It looks like one leg is not as good as three! Molly is not going to be able to finish the race!

Scene 5

Narrator: Our final event for the evening is Rhythmic Gymnastics! Up next in this event is Adriana. (Shouts Adriana’s name 5 times, getting louder and more annoyed each time)

A: (wakes up and runs on stage. Twinkle Twinkle Little Star starts playing. Adriana starts humming along and twirling in circles. She hits her leg) Ouch!

(As she grabs her leg, she falls asleep on stage. When it is clear that she is not going to wake up, she is dragged off the stage)

Narrator: (Awkwardly) Well, that was Adriana.

Audience: (Awkwardly clapping) BBBBBBBBOOOOOOOO! That was horrible! I paid money for that?! I want a refund!

A: (running back to the stage) That was uncalled for! How dare you boo me? (Stomps her foot and scrunches her face)

Narrator: Oh well….that was certainly interesting to say the least.

Final Scene

Narrator: Thank you everyone for coming today! That concludes the 3002 Beijing Olympics. Congratulations to all of the winners!

(All of the characters pack up their bags. They are all quite mad and upset)

Adriana: This is the worst day ever!

Molly: That’s not fair!

(Everyone agrees)

Adriana: Hey guys, I think since we were so rude to each other today we got what we deserved.

Flace: MIAOW! Why don’t we all go out and get some pizza together?

All: (Shout) That’s a great idea!

(All walk out together-Molly gets some help from the others because her legs are still tied together)

 

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 3

Posted on by erranteditor

Week 3 and I have managed to get everything written on during the week it was meant to be written….there is hope for me yet. Week 3 is dedicated to the little things that make me happy.

Honestly, this list is endless. I really enjoy the little things.

I had a minor PhD setback last week, and it really threw me. I have been working really hard to try and get myself out of my dark and twisty, and thought I was making it work…kinda. I feel like the last two months have been consumed by my depression. I’ve been spiraling down into the dark and twisty, and because it is always a thing, I feel like it has dominated my life. It permeates everything  from my work, to my friendships and relationships, and even my sleep patterns. My work, while it has been getting done (Well, minus the two week break I took at Christmas) it has not been getting done very well.

Last week it all caught up to me. I applied for a research position on campus that would allow me to quit the tutoring center and pay off my loan faster. Because people in the office were so excited about it, I had gotten very excited by the idea of having the job. My supervisor pulled me into his office though and ripped the skin off my hide for not telling him that I had applied for the job, and for the fact that working part time would take away from my PhD and I would not become an expert in my field if I was not devoting 100% to my work. He questioned me about my financial situation, and I was forced to admit that I need the job to pay my loan payment. I do not like admitting that I am in debt.

I also hate the feeling of failure that I left that meeting with. I do not like to fail at anything….especially when I know that I have been putting in a lot of effort, and trying my damnedest to produce something that will make people proud. I’ve already been stressed about the work that I am doing, and already feeling down, so when I cried in the break room over a cup of tea last week, no one was surprised (okay, so my colleague who had to deliver the bad news that I wasn’t eligible for the job was surprised, but she was really really lovely about it).

I wanted to curl up in bed and just call it a day.

I wanted to sign up for sugardaddies.com and find some rich old man to pay my bills.

I wanted someone to give me a hug and tell me everything would be alright.

I wanted someone to make it alright.

So this is where the challenge comes in. The little things that make me happy.

Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate makes me happy. A little cup of hot chocolate makes me everything better. I had a small cup today while I had my PhD supervisory meeting, and even though I had to rehash the job situation again, I managed to do it without crying this time.

I like that my friends and family check up on me. I get texts and messages asking after me, or sending me funny pictures. I love that. It makes me feel appreciated, and it makes me laugh.

I like it when my favorite song comes on my ipod. In the same line, I love finding Spotify playlists  that have songs I loved when I was younger, or ones that relax me while I am trying to do yoga.

I love puppy and kitten videos. Seriously, that is the only reason that the internet was invented as far as I am concerned.

I like that I have moments when I forget to be sad. I’ll laugh at a joke, watch a dumb movie, or read a trashy romance novel and not get stuck in the dark and twisty.

I like dinners out with my friends. I may not want to share my tacos with you, but I want to share my bubble.

I like that when I do posts like this, I laugh a little, and remember that all in all, things in my life are pretty freaking fantastic.

That makes everything worth it.

The Scamp at 20 Years

Posted on by erranteditor

20 years is a long time to miss someone. I can’t remember what her voice sounds like, but when I smell Red Door I instantly see my grandma’s face. I was only 8 when she died, but I remember the night we got the phone call, I remember bits and pieces of the funeral, and I remember her best friend, who was in the car with her when it wrecked, told my mom the story of what happened.

Francis Ann. Grandma Fran. Auntie Fran. Franie. Mom. Sister. She was a lot of things to a lot of people, and because she refused to wear a seat belt, the world has had to be without her for the last 20 years.

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She battled drug addiction. She battled her weight. She battled a shopping and gambling addiction. She was a complicated woman, sometimes almost impossible to be around. I didn’t know any of that. I only knew her as my grammy. She had zebra print carpet, took us for hamburgers and milkshakes whenever we went to visit her and my grandpa in Palm Springs, and never let her hummingbird feeders run out of food. I can remember being in Louie the Lebaron with my brother, sister, and our two cousins Jodi and Sivan when we were really young. I don’t remember where we were going, but while we were in the car, she started a sentence and we all took turns adding to the story. I can’t remember what the story was about, but I remember laughing and the story getting more and more ridiculous the longer we went around.

This is always a hard time for my mom. She has had 20 years of health issues, awards, major projects, and amazing life moments that she did not get to share with her mom. I can’t go more than six hours without talking to my mom, so I have no idea how I would survive 20 years. I’ve struggled a lot in the last two years, and my mom has tried her best to shoulder the burden so I didn’t have to.

The one comfort that I had when I lived in California was a hummingbird that comes to hang out at my parent’s house. There is no real reason for the hummingbird to hang out, but it comes every day, sometimes right to the door. My last night in California, it hung out for over two hours and got close enough for me to touch. I like to think that that little bird has the soul of my grandma and hangs out with us to see what kind of shenanigans we get up to. There are no hummingbirds in Scotland, but if I ever see one, I will know why it is there.

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So, until I figure out what happens after you die, I like to think of her the way my aunt thinks of her:

I like to think of her winning at heavenly Mahj Jongg, Bridge, Canasta. She still is one of the smartest, funniest people I have ever known. Do they have Jeopardy in Heaven?

Those of you who see my mom, or know how to get a hold of her, be sure to send some love her way.

And go hug your mommys. Right now.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge:Week 2

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve got the rainy day blues. I did not go into the university today, and now my writing is slow going. I think my mistake is that I am wearing trackies and my UC Merced sweatshirt rather than jeans and a t-shirt.

I need yoga. I need a nap. I need some inspiration.

The writing challenge for this week is to focus on making a list of what I am grateful for. I laughed because I just spent the last year doing this every week. I feel like I have done nothing but write about what I am grateful for. People are probably sick of it.

Right at this moment I am grateful that life goes on. This time last year I was a mess. I was headed to a disciplinary hearing over the plagiarism charge, and I saw my whole life falling apart. Today, even with the rainy day blues, I woke up next to my manpanion, had a lazy morning doing a crossword puzzle while he studied Scottish laws for work, and even though my writing is slow going, I have research, I’m collecting data, and I am working toward my PhD. In a little more than a month I am headed to California for the birth of my nephew and then on to Texas to watch one of my besties get married.

All in all, I’m really happy with where I have ended up. The dark and twisty is still looming in the background, but it is getting better.  I am still worried about making my loan payment, still negotiating my role in my job, and still trying to balance my need for adventure with my adult responsibilities, but with every day that passes, I think that I am doing a little bit better with each of those things.

Now if someone will send me so motivation to get my writing done, I will be a very very very happy girl.