The Scamp’s New Favorite Word

Extension.

I now have two more weeks to work on a literature review I should have finished a week ago.

Thank the Sweet Baby Jesus for kind stats professors.

It is just about time for finals. I’ve got a mountain of work to do, but am procrastinating. I’ve managed to edit two pages of my paper. Just two pages……

In the meantime, people have been sending me funny pictures relating to finals. Here are a few of them

funny-finals-20-0

 

FINALS-MEME-10

 

tumblr_mxtjxeNr8m1rxbkobo1_500

 

tumblr_lvvf13cpa01qb8f71o1_500

I am determined to finish editing the paper before bed….or I will watch Top Gear and daydream about getting a teaching job in New Zealand.

The Scamp at 200

And here we are. 200. A big number. It has been almost a year since I wrote number 100 (you can find it here: https://ascampabroad.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/the-scamps-100th-post-or-what-ive-learned-from-my-journey-so-far/). I’d like to say that the last 100 posts were as exciting as those first 100, but I am not sure that they were. Life in the States seems mundane and boring compared to the life I was living in Scotland, and the adventures I have here are few and far between. It has also become painfully apparent to me that a lot of the things that I learned in the first 100 posts did not carry over to the second 100. Instead of a thoughtful piece on the last two hundred, I thought it would a better use of the post to show the world what 100 posts looks like in pictures. I’ve decided to share some of my favorite pictures from each of my adventures.

 

My first post was in March of 2012. I had known that I had a spot in the program for three weeks at the time of the first post. I did not take a picture of the moment I found out, and now I wish I had. I told everyone who came to the desk at USD that day that I got accepted overseas. That weekend I celebrated my 25th birthday and began to plan a trip to Scotland for a campus tour.

431209_10150550337841887_784463526_nI told my family and friends of my choice to go at a family party.

 

March saw the first trip to Scotland.

423116_556769848655_473765897_n

 

April saw only one post about me being very worried about becoming irrelevant once I left. To counter that, I spent time with my family to try and forget that feeling.

561204_10150612942766887_384919595_n

 

May of 2012 was one post about falling in love with a boy who had no idea I was in love with him. It was also the month where Kelly graduated.

546386_10150800672041887_635995895_n

June of 2012 saw a family trip to Ireland.  It was one of the best trips I have ever been on. There was only one post from that month, and it was about my struggle to find housing, my worry about money, and the boy telling me he loved me.

295388_10150850791826887_1607862510_n

 

July was the first month I posted more than one entry. This month was about being tired, getting overseas insurance, and moving from San Diego back to my childhood in Orange County. The photo for this month is one of the last nights out in San Diego with two people who I spent the most time with there.

416435_565572552965_954947459_o

August was a crazy month for me. I was stressed about all the plans I still needed to make, how hard it was going to be to leave the boy, and reality of what the next year was going to look like for me. The picture for this month was taken a few days before I left. I hadn’t finished packing, but I spent the day in the sun napping.

240197_571755522245_383062634_o

September 2012 marked my first month in Scotland. The posts were about finding my way through the city, going on hikes up Arthur’s Seat. I started to make friends with the people that lived around me, and the people that I was in class with.

290269_572174502605_1969486223_o

This was the view from the hotel I stayed at before I moved into the dorms.

483136_572790478185_473163610_n

In true Scottish fashion, it started to rain during the hike

423809_572230969445_1871464209_n

 

The view from the window of my dorm. Not a bad scene to wake up to.

 

October was all about traveling and seeing Scotland, learning to live with 18 year olds, considering what life would be like in my relationship if I stayed to do my PhD, and how to deal with staying on medication that was helping me control my depression and anxiety. 197235_576042665775_1745096337_n

I celebrated Halloween with these two

561753_574503699875_1964720700_n

 

Tried to find the Loch Ness Monster

576512_574503849575_998767529_n

 

and explored castle ruins.

November saw me complete the first half of my program, worry about upcoming holidays when I had no job, and no money coming in, and what harvest meant to me. I was able to come home at the end of November. I was reunited with the boy, got to sleep in my own bed, and got to eat real food. The best picture from this month is my first taste of Mexican food when I came home from the airport.

414957_10151084160091887_1612587513_o

December of 2012 was a hard month for me. The posts were about my struggles with being home and wanting to be social vs having work to do, juggling my family with the boy and his family, and getting robbed on Christmas. I spent most of my time in San Diego and managed to write 2 very good papers despite not having any of the books and not having my computer.

31543_10151118103136887_916871486_n

 

January 2013 started off on a great foot. I got to move out of the room in the Freshman hallway, got to experience snow for the first time, and settled into a very interesting class about children’s books. I was happy to be back with my friends and wandering around the city that I love.

868_10100557630296555_191015242_n

 

Reunited with the gang.

67442_582962263845_321110089_n

Snow changed the view outside my window. Luckily it did not snow enough to really be a problem. I can still remember the first time I walked home in the snow. I wasn’t properly dressed for it, but I loved every minute of it.

February 2013 was a rough month for me. This was the month my relationship fell apart. I tried to hide it as best I could, but it eventually came out. I admitted to the world through my blog that I was depressed, admitted that I was no longer going to marry the boy I thought was the love of my life, and that I was going to seek help to deal with all of these issues. I was sad, but hopeful. This month was not all bad though. I got to go to Belfast, and that was quite an adventure. I loved it (well, maybe not the Titanic part, but the rest of it)

524923_585782791485_405019258_n

 

485327_585783105855_560598203_n

 

March of 2013 saw the start of my 26th year, a new tattoo, the end of my coursework in Scotland and posts that ranged from celebrating the birthdays of my brothers, my grandma, and my sister to all of the love I felt from people all over the world about the break-up. I got care packages from friends at home, home cooked meals from the girls in Scotland, and positive thoughts from the world of blogging.

407_587719350605_1387513252_n

A birthday present to myself

59709_587025935215_747889587_n

 

71967_587719625055_1326713815_nA proper St. Pats celebration

April of 2013 saw a visit from my parents and real healing. I really started to explore and enjoy the city, spent a lot of time outside of my room with my friends, and showed my dad why I loved the city so much.  April also marked my 100th post.

010

 

027

This is my favorite picture taken in the course of this journey.

012

DSC_1896

 

May 2013 saw the end of my journey in Scotland. I really did not want to leave. I spent as much time as I could with my friends, made a plan of how to tackle life when I returned to the States. I went to Dundee, visited Rosslyn Chapel, and started work on my dissertation.

178631_429792543752411_627755363_o

 

DSCN2492

 

DSCN2518

 

935898_592491347485_2113779516_n

 

954759_592491377425_1166579673_n

 

June of 2013 saw a mini vacation to see some of my friends and a lot of work on my dissertation. I got a job interview for a teaching position, and attempted to adjust to being back in the States. I only unpacked what was necessary, and spent 8 hours a day writing.

 

Onward ho! Thanks to my awesome navigational skills we found everything we needed

Onward ho! Thanks to my awesome navigational skills we found everything we needed

 

942064_913609452256_1202632955_n

2013-06-01 15.11.45

 

July of 2013 saw my struggles with writer’s block, my fear that I would never finish my dissertation, and my struggles to readjust to life at home. I was still talking to my friends from Scotland on a regular basis, and I was gearing up to start school at CSUF.

By August I finally finished my dissertation. I was very excited of the work I produced. I went to a wedding and reconnected with an old love, and realized that my wanderlust was not going to go away. I started the doctoral program, and was hopeful about the academic journey I was about to embark on.

Look mom, I'm wearing heels!

Look mom, I’m wearing heels!

tumblr_lhag75q8OH1qdu79bo1_500

September was stressful for me. I was still waiting to find a job, and saw my bank account quickly emptying. I got the chance to babysit for my cousins, got to see two of my favorite people from college marry, and learned how to get in touch with my inner philosopher.

She feeds herself,  allowing me two hands to hold my textbook open

She feeds herself, allowing me two hands to hold my textbook open

2013-09-21 18.12.48

October of 2013 was the month results for my dissertation was released. I got an A and was on top of the world. I fell in love again, and thought I was in a really solid relationship. I learned how to navigate race and academia, and felt like I was finally getting the hang of being a doctoral student.

1276660_10151563221106887_1281569889_o

November 2013 was my favorite month since being home. I got to return to Scotland and celebrate my graduation. I got to take Kelly with me so she could finally see the beauty of the place. I finally had a job, and was making a little bit of money, and I got the idea to make a literacy group that allowed kids to read with puppies.

DSC_2449

DSC_0135

DSC_2498

 

December saw the end of 2013, and the end of my first year as a doctoral student. I was struggling with juggling work, school, family and the boy, and a wonderful Christmas with my family

1476300_10151719745581887_1446714067_n

1526473_10151719744781887_1229325932_n

1176181_10151719765271887_103149115_n

 

January 2014 saw a new year, and what I hoped would be a new attitude. I started a happiness challenge, tried to make the relationship with the boy better, and made inappropriate posts that made me laugh.

1501728_677433155613521_121211273_n

 

brutally-honest-12-4

 

In February I found myself sliding back into old habits. I was growing increasingly depressed, tried to figure out how to deal with my doubts, and dealt with some uncomfortable feelings about the death of a woman that I did not like. I found myself very homesick for Scotland, and wanting to run away again. I got a new tattoo to celebrate my upcoming birthday.

IMG950218

1461419_610663869605_325938111_n

20140222_204835

 

March of 2014 passed in a blur. I turned 26, let the depression get the best of me, and spent all of my free time working . The posts were mostly other people’s words, or pictures of me from my youth. I couldn’t really find my own words well enough, and was doing all that I could to pretend I wasn’t miserable. I did enjoy my family, and the support they gave me.

1932331_619667546165_1117782021_n (1)

 

1977003_10203483904958542_194569167_n

 

1979467_619658933425_1303787221_n

 

And now we are almost through with April. It has been an interesting month to say the least. Another love finished, another good long look in the mirror, and another month of being incredibly busy. The good thing about this month is that I recently found out that I have been given two classes to teach in the fall. My class from this semester was cancelled, but now I can quit the job I took to pay my bills in favor of a career. I am very excited about that.

10170859_10203665818986279_8364189466255311899_n

All in all, this blog has been very good to me. It has allowed me to chronicle one of the best years of my life, and allowed to me learn and grow, and process life after that. I will keep it up for the next 100 posts and see where the road takes me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Scamp and Passover

This week marks the Jewish celebration of Passover.

For those who don’t know anything about the holiday, here is what Chabod says about it:

After many decades of slavery to the Egyptian pharaohs, during which time the Israelites were subjected to backbreaking labor and unbearable horrors, G‑d saw the people’s distress and sent Moses to Pharaoh with a message: “Send forth My people, so that they may serve Me.” But despite numerous warnings, Pharaoh refused to heed G‑d’s command. G‑d then sent upon Egypt ten devastating plagues, afflicting them and destroying everything from their livestock to their crops.

At the stroke of midnight of 15 Nissan in the year 2448 from creation (1313 BCE), G‑d visited the last of the ten plagues on the Egyptians, killing all their firstborn. While doing so, G‑d spared the Children of Israel, “passing over” their homes—hence the name of the holiday. Pharaoh’s resistance was broken, and he virtually chased his former slaves out of the land. The Israelites left in such a hurry, in fact, that the bread they baked as provisions for the way did not have time to rise. Six hundred thousand adult males, plus many more women and children, left Egypt on that day, and began the trek to Mount Sinai and their birth as G‑d’s chosen people.

So now that you’ve had a history lesson, you can get the Scamp’s interpretation of Passover. For me, it is a chance to get together with my family and take pictures like this one:

538794_10150612941996887_30445657_n

Plague sandwich anyone?

Last year I didn’t celebrate Passover in Scotland. I was trying to deal with heartstompapoolza, and trying to make the most of the time I had left in the city. This year, I am spending the day in class. I spent the first night at a baseball game, and accidentally ate a hot dog. While I am not kosher, I’m sure that eating pork on a Jewish holiday is frowned upon somewhere. I was appropriately greeted with locust. We laughed and had a great time at the game, and with the fact that I am a bad Jew, and that would not have happened if we were at a formal seder.

10150726_622551172355_1735319754318978126_n

I’m spending the second night in class. I fact, I am writing this from class when I should be paying attention to leadership styles and human resources.

While I am not spending the holiday at a big family dinner the way we usually do, I have to admit that I am not sad about it. I often feel a little fake at the family dinners because I do not consider myself religious in the traditional sense, and lately, I have not been feeling particularly interested in mixing with more than my immediate family. In fact, I didn’t feel bad about being passed over on the invite list for the family dinner. I have four weeks left in the semester and have enough on my plate.

I got to spend last night with my family, and at the end of the day, whether we did it around a table with a formal seder, or in the bleachers at a baseball game, so I consider the holiday a success.

Chag Sameach everyone.

Scamp Rant

I should be working on a paper that is due next week, but I am mad.

Really really mad.

My mom works hard. Really hard. She spends a lot of time developing curriculum, planning, scheduling, and running events, and making sure that her students leave her room at the end of the year better people. She does most of this as a committee of one, and often does it without ever being thanked or acknowledged for all of the work, time and effort that it takes to run the events, develop the curriculum, and make sure that her students are getting where they need to be academically. She works in an environment where she is belittled by the administration, singled out for mistakes she is not making, and often taken advantage of by some of the other members of the staff.

Today was no exception. She has spent this year learning how to use IPads in her classroom. She has learned how to use programs that would allow her students to make movies, presentations, and other creative activities in class. She has some pretty talented kids, and the projects they have made are pretty great. Her students have a chance to present at an upcoming technology showcase, and today another teacher told my mother’s students that they will present for her at the showcase instead. As of now, the principal is allowing this, putting my mom’s students in a difficult position, and causing my mom to pull out of the showcase and not get recognized for all of the work she has done with her students.

The problem is, this makes my mom doubt her value. She feels that she is not good enough to go to bat for, or to be allowed to showcase all the work that she and her students have done this year.

Everyone who knows her, knows that is complete and utter bullshit.

Here is my rant:

What message is that sending to the students? In the golden age of entitlement that we currently live in, the kids are now being shown that it doesn’t matter who worked hard to put together the presentation, if you think it is something that will make you look good, go ahead and take it. There is no value in doing your own work if you can take it from somewhere (or someone) else, and if you are not one of the popular pretty people, you are not worth defending.

Of course, most of the kids are so self entitled that they won’t even notice this is happening, but it still makes me angry to think that this is what students are being taught. One day these kids will be running companies, working as doctors and lawyers, or raising their own kids. I don’t want a doctor that cheated his way through school, a business owner who stole from someone else, or a lawyer who thinks they are entitled to all of my money without doing any work for me. I know that it is easy for me to sit on my high horse and judge people just because I wouldn’t do any of this to others, but I really worry about what life is going to be like when I am older and need to depend on people who don’t understand the value of being honest, working hard, and acknowledging those around them who work hard.

mini rant over.

 

The Scamp and Her Addiction

Hi, my name is Kim and I am addicted to cute animal pictures, videos, and posts.

 

Taken from http://dontpkethebear.com/

The 30 Happiest Animals Of All Time

1. This gorilla that just discovered its favorite season

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (7)

2. This goat that is just happy to be a goat
the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (18)

3. This duckling that won’t get left behind

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (6)

4. This corgi that is ready for takeoff

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (4)

5. This ostrich that hits that dougie

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (1)

6. This dog Skyping with his owner for the first time since he was deployed overseas

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (17)

7. This quokka that is the cutest marsupial possible

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (11)

8. This smug little piglet all wrapped in blankets

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (20)

9. This penguin that loves the snow

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (5)

10. This wide-eyed puppy that is ready for anything

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (4)

11. This Galapagos seal chillin’ in the shade

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (5)

12. This party animal shopping for a wild night

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (16)

13. This kitty that just discovered the heater for the first time

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (2)

14. This old rascal jumping up to greet his owner

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (14)

15. This German Shepherd that wants to be a puppy again

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (22)

16. This Husky going for a quick dip

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (12)

17. Elmo, who is just happy to be a sheep.

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (7)

18. This poofball that loves to play patty cake

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (3)

19. This curious little guy that will make an excellent guide dog

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (15)

20. This furball who is ready for a walk

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (13)

21. This cuteness overload

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (19)

22. This goose that is ready for seconds

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (21)

23. This seal having the ROFL of a lifetime

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (9)

24. This little guy who is on the way home from the adoption center

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (1)

25. This fox that wants to be your pet dog

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (2)

26. This pig enjoying its first pumpkin

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (8)

27. This alligator who is positioned for the perfect scratch

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (3)

28. ”Ooooh, right there, human.”

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (6)

29. These three who are BFFs

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (10)

30. This bulldog who just found its life-calling

the-happiest-animals-of-all-time (1)

The Scamp Unloads a Burden

I’ve been pretending I’m fine for months, thinking that if I pretended I wasn’t depressed again, it would go away. I said I was fine so many times that I created, and then destroyed a relationship I had no business being in. I said I fine so many times that I eventually was consumed by the word and didn’t know how to say I was unhappy, or that I needed help beyond what anyone I love could objectively give me.

I’m an avid freshly presser. I love reading what people have to say on subjects I am interested in (and one day secretly hope to grace the page). Today I came across a blog that perfectly captured how I feel (You can find the owner of the words that so perfectly capture what I am sure many people struggling with depression feel here: http://blackdogrunner.wordpress.com/)

BDR writes:

When you’re in the clutches of depression, it requires an enormous amount of energy. Many a day I’ve gone to work, said nothing except a couple of ‘fine thank yous’ , and come home utterly exhausted. Which has a knock-on effect on my ability to do it all over again the next day.

But there’s another problem – a more insidious problem – with lying. Every time you tell someone you are ‘fine’ – when you’re not – you buy into the belief that it’s not acceptable to be depressed. In other words, the act of concealing your true mood, sends a subconscious message that it needs concealing, that it’s something to be ashamed of.

I’m exhausted. I spent so much time anxiously worried about the state of my relationship, or how busy I was, or how behind I fell with school work, that I could literally crawl in bed and sleep for days. In fact, I would like nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and not resurface until all of these feelings have passed.

I saw a therapist on campus…..I didn’t like her (I have since made a new appointment with a different person in hopes of finding a better fit).

I have three jobs and no insurance, so I didn’t look for an affordable option.

I have phoned it in at work and school, and not many people would have ever known something was wrong until last week when I lost control of my tear ducts and cried in oddest of places.

My self-worth at this moment is severely lacking. It is the one thing that I need to work on figuring out. It is one of the reasons I jumped into a relationship, it is one of the reasons I hide behind school, and it is one of the things I am constantly reminded of, but am somehow unable to see.

Today was my lucky day in class though. I got two cards from two of my favorite cohort members. One was a great note thanking me for being me, and listing qualities that she enjoyed about me. She has been doing this every week for the different members of our group, and mine just so happened to come at a time when I needed a reminder to look at all the good about myself.

The second card came from a woman that I love. he is one of the bravest, warmest, and inspired people I have ever met. She has a passion for people that is beyond anything I can hope to have, and she constantly reminds me what it means to fully invest in your dreams. She was a strong comforting shoulder for me last week, and the card she gave me tonight will be one I keep close for a good long while.

It says:

It isn’t always easy to make changes, but there’s no better advice than this: just do your best. Make sure you stay strong enough to move ahead, because there are some wonderful rewards waiting for you.

It won’t all make sense right away, but I promise you; over the course of time, answers will come, decisions will prove to be the right ones, and the path will be easier to see. Here are some things you can do that will help see you through….

You can have hope. Because it works wonders for those who have it. You can be optimistic. Because people who expect things to turn out for the best often set the stage to receive a beautiful result. You can put things into perspective. Because some things are important and others are definitely not.

You can remember that beyond the clouds, the sun is still shining. You can meet each challenge and give it all you’ve got.

You can count your blessings. You can be inspired to climb your ladders and have some nice long conversations with your wishing stars. You can be strong and patient. You can be gentle and wise.

And you can believe in happy endings. Because you are the author if the story of your life.

                                                                                                Douglas Pagels

I’m going to look to the strong and patient, gentle and wise parts to get me through.

As per my usual, I have been way too emotionally open and honest about being a hot mess. This blog was supposed to be my adventures in Scotland, and then my adventures in the doctoral program. It has become my outlet for all of the thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to voice in my everyday life. I don’t hide behind the anonymity that the blogosphere offers since I post the link to my Facebook, and I am sure one day I will cringe about all of the things I have put out into the world, but right now, in this moment, I feel a little bit better about getting this off my chest.

The Scamp and Dust

 

When I took the job as a library assistant 6 months ago, I knew I was taking a job well below my skill set. I knew that I was taking a job a monkey could do, and that it wouldn’t be long before I started to feel a bit bored and search out projects to keep me interested. Basically, I knew I was not going to love this job.

Today I started a project that makes me dread my job.

Today I started shelf cleaning.

Those of you who have worked in libraries are already feeling my pain. Shelf cleaning means taking all of the books off the shelves, wiping down the shelves with school approve cleaning products, dusting off the books and putting them back on the shelf. When done with a group of people working in different parts of the collection, it wouldn’t take long. With just one person, it will take the better part of 6 months.

The shelves have not been cleaned in well over a year. They look a little something like this:

clean 023

 

I spent three hours today covered in dust before I threw in the towel and hid at my desk. I left covered in dust, smelling like cleaning agent and feeling dirty. The worst part of this project is the fact that there are no rules about food in the library and students where I work are pretty lazy. There will be rotted apple cores, half eaten sandwiches, trash, and who knows what other surprises waiting for me on some of these shelves. When I mentioned to my mentor that I was about to start the project, she reminded me I needed to wear gloves and a mask while working. Student already give me funny looks while I working, so there is no way I am adding to the weird.

download (1)

Imagine the looks I would get in this getup while I work……on the other hand, it would keep my clothes clean…..

The project is job security since no one can be fussed to do the work if I don’t, but it is not really one of the tasks that I would like to be doing. I did a little of this at the last library I worked at, but I always had students to help, and other co-workers that jumped in and would lend a hand. I can choose to sulk over the lack of help (which I think I have done now) or I can choose to see this as a test of fortitude. How long can I make it before I grow a dust bunny in my lung or do permanent damage from inhaling cleaning solution?

I guess it is a good thing my government supplied fake insurance has kicked in.

The Scamp and a Birthday

Today is Mama Scamp’s birthday!

vcm_s_kf_representative_640x480 (7)

She started out as a curious little tyke with the crazy bowl cut.

 

539661_10150614435051887_1969823729_n

She was a crazy dare devil growing up, having broken most of her bones at one point in time. She played baseball, basketball, and has had the same exact smile since she was a little kid. Everyone who knew my grandma will see a lot of her in my mom.

548496_10150614434796887_1395758824_n

 

1655524_10152016908857253_1740120867_o

 

537990_10151206606151887_1138374613_n

 

My mommy has always been a hottie. I’m not sure how she managed to skip over the awkward stage that most of us have (or in my case, am still having).

She is definitely my favorite person. No matter what I do, she supports me 100%. She paid for my first degree, has helped me move to and from countless apartments, and has done her best to help me whenever I ask. She has currently given up her office so that I have a place to study and lets me live at home rent free so that I can pay off my debt from Scotland.

Kimmy's pictures 352

 

 

Kimmy's Pictures 183

 

She really is the only one who gets me. We laugh at things no one thinks are funny, we can spend hours watching cat videos, and she supports all of my crazy ideas for back-up careers.

 

10003362_10151843283321887_2054048463_n

 

vcm_s_kf_representative_640x480 (8)

 

557297_10151118103296887_60246554_n

 

She lost her mom over 20 years ago and I think that made her work extra hard to make sure that all of us kids were taken care of. We know we can always come home, always call her for help, and count on her to do something to make us laugh. She spoils us rotten (but I am totally okay with that).

She is my best friend and favorite person. I pity people who do not have a mom as awesome as mine.

 


The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better.  One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

 

The Scamp’s Happy Challenge: Day 3

Today I was at a loss. It is only day three of the challenge, and I could not for the life of me think about an activity I could do that would make me happy.

I went to work and then conducted some focus groups for a research project, and while my brain was full of work mode until about 5 pm.

This is where my amazing teammates come into play. As we were walking away from an eye opening session, I made the comment about my quest for one bit of happiness a day, and told them that I was at a loss for what to do.  They asked me about my favorite meal, or movie, and then suggested that we go across the street so that I could have ice cream for dinner.

The fact that they wanted to partake in my challenge meant a lot to me. I really value their friendship, and I welcome any chance I have to spend with them outside the confines of class. Instead of ice cream, we ended up at a tasty taco shop and shared stories of travels abroad, issues we have with our program, and how horrible UK Mexican food is.

I’ve realized lately that I crave human connection. I crave social activity, and time away from my own thoughts, which tend toward the negative. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking in the time between doing things that make me happy, and I think I am finally starting to understand what I want, who I want, and what changes I really need to make to be happy.

Some of the choices that I have to make are starting to seem like they are going to suck.

Really really suck.