A Scamp and Some Words
The Scamps Confronts Some Uncomfortable Feelings
We called her Dragon Lady.
We mocked her love for ugly rooster adorned objects. In fact, we had a rooster tile that we use to pass around the family at Christmas time and laugh when she didn’t get the joke.
She once told a room of strangers that the best way to tell me and Kelly apart was to look at our faces. Mine was fat.
She used to ask my mom what her and my dad possibly had to talk about since he never went to college (as revolting as the thought is, I always wish my mom had said that they don’t need to talk during sex so it didn’t matter).
She belittled my family as often as possible, and constantly bragged about how wonderful her children and grandchildren were.
She lied about her age. She subtracted 10 years from her age, and it wasn’t until almost 20 years later that anyone knew how old she really was.
She got cancer, and then got incredibly ill. She had round the clock nurses, and my granddad was forced to care for her because her family was nowhere to be seen. He himself is in his 90s and dealing with stomach cancer, but put all of that on hold to take care of her.
Today she died.
I would love to say that I was sad when I heard the news. I would even love to say that I was surprised. We all knew that this was coming, and the first thing that I thought of was, “Now granddad is free! Now he can take care of himself. Now he can go see the Crazyhorse monument because he doesn’t have to be tethered to her care.”
In truth, I felt nothing. I am glad that she is not in pain anymore, and not miserable. I am glad that the stress and suffering that came with taking care of her is over, but other than that, I felt nothing about hearing the news. I am having a large internal debate today on whether or not I should be more sad, and whether or not my reaction to her passing is okay. I did not like her, and in the last five years have seen her maybe twice. Should I be sad? Should I offer to do things for my dad should he need it?
Feelings. Sometimes they suck.
The Scamp Reaches
Today I sound like a strangled goose. The cold came out of nowhere, and I feel icky. I think the boy gave it to me, but in truth, I am sure the stress of the last few weeks didn’t help. I tried to muscle through work today, but I did not get as much done as I would like.
The problem with feelings like this is I tend to get sucked into the negative. I throw a little pity party, and wallow in my feelings until they drive me crazy. I’d like to say that it is just the winter blues, but since California has yet to have a cold day.When I was in Scotland, I recognized that I needed some help, and I was strong enough in my surroundings to get the help. The little wellness center tucked between the walls of a souvenir shop and an Indian restaurant helped me discover that not only was I not crazy, but I wasn’t broken either.
I don’t have that support system here. Sure, I have my family and a few really good friends here, but without insurance, I have been reluctant to seek the help, even just for a check in and a reminder that I am not as batshit crazy as I think I am.
My class being cancelled, lapses in planning and organization, and the overwhelming urge to stick my head in the sand has made me rethink that reluctance.
Luckily I am surrounded by people that encourage me to do what I need to do to get through the days. Two of my best friends have been more than willing to talk to me about the benefits of professional help, and that hiding in bed all day is not a good idea.
In the meantime, a little snuggling with my cat will have to get me through.
A Scamp and the Inappropriate
I’m pouting about the fact that I have to go back to school tomorrow, and had to spend a lot of money on textbooks that I know I will never read again. In an effort to make myself feel better, I am going to post books that I wouldn’t mind seeing as part of the reading list.
*Read at your own risk…..a lot of these titles are massively inappropriate. There is no offense intended by the language, pictures, and cultural implications of these. I simply find them funny and helpful in fighting my post vacation blues.
A good introduction to anatomy and physiology.
A touching tale about love and loss.
Let’s face it, farts are funny.
Because sometimes, “follow the leader” is boring sober.
Helping little girls feel better about themselves since 1951!
Truer words have never been spoken
A good introduction to nontraditional career paths
For the days when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed
I would definitely be okay with these titles on my bookshelf. As part of being an adult though, I guess I will just have to settle for Introduction to Organizational Theory, APA style guides, and books on how to conduct mixed methods research.
A Scamp and Poetry
The Scamp and the New Year
With three days into the new year, I don’t think it has really sunk in yet that it is 2014. The last year went by in a blur of good, bad, and everything in between. I got to live in Scotland, fell in love, got my heart broken, and learned how ask for help while I heal. I earned a degree, wrote my best piece of academic writing, and started the process of earning a doctoral degree. I made a lot of new friends, got the chance to reconnect with old ones, and learned to let go of a lot of negative energy (and people for that matter).
I’d say 2013 was pretty darn good to me.
I have high hopes for 2014. So far it is off to a good start. I got to start the year bowling with the boy and our friends, and then lay by the pool and soak up some sunshine while they nursed hangovers. I am more relaxed then I have been in awhile, and although I have not gotten as much homework done as I should have, I am feeling quite accomplished. The only thing I have yet to tackle is the financial aid issue that has been plaguing me since October. By Monday I hope to have that resolved. I have a teaching job that will hopefully lead to something more permanent, and fate is being kind to me while I don’t have health insurance.
In an effort to keep this year in the positive, my mother and I have taken up a challenge.
At the end of the year we will crack a bottle of rum and read all of the funny/wonderful/memorable things that happened to us. So far my notes have yet to be awe inspiring, but since it is only day 3, I am optimistic about the quality of notes that will go into the jar.
In the meantime, ,I will continue to drive my parents crazy, drive the boy crazy, and work my butt off in my program and with my students and get ready to embark on my crazy research adventure. I look forward to all that 2014 has to bring.
The Scamp and Gertrude Stein
NOTHING ELEGANT
A charm is a single charm is doubtful. If the red is rose and there is a gate surrounding it, if inside is let in and there places change then certainly something is upright. It is earnest.
Tender Buttons, 1914
Gertrude Stein saved my date and my failed attempt to woo my boyfriend.
Thank you Ms. Stein.
The Scamp at Christmas
This time last year I was giving up my family traditions to stay in a failing relationship. I spent Christmas day driving to San Diego to spend the day with the weasel’s family. This time last year I was locked in a viscous battle over a Christmas tree, and whether or not it was really necessary for me to pursue a doctoral degree. This time last year, I made the choice not to apply to stay in Scotland. To top it off, at this time last year I was being robbed. I lost books, a necklace of high sentimental value, and my laptop. The laptop had three years worth of research that had been sorted, coded, and parceled out to make changes for my dissertation. This time last year I was trying to figure out how I was going to write a final in two days that I had been working on for a month. I had no money, no job, and no clue how to deal with all of the stress.
This time last year, I was miserable.
What a difference a year makes.
This year I got to spend Christmas with my family. I didn’t have to look at a clock, didn’t have to force myself to drive to someone else’s house, and did not have to give up any of my favorite traditions. I decorated a tree, was vastly inappropriate at the dinner table with my cousins, and didn’t have to skip on seeing a movie with my parents. This year I was able to get a teaching job on top of my library job, and successfully completed my first semester of the my doctoral degree. This year I was not stressed about money, about deadlines, or about making someone else happy.
This year, I got exactly what I wanted for Christmas.
My hope is that the people around me are getting exactly what they want for Christmas as well. I have more than 7 readers this year from all over the world, so I hope that everyone is enjoying their day, however they choose to spend it.
Happy holidays everyone, from one wanderlust filled scamp to all of the amazing people that interact with my ramblings.
The Scamp and a Christmas Tree
I’m procrastinating. I have a final in 2 days, and I can barely focus on the outlines, notes , and other materials I have compiled to aid in my studies. I know that I should be locked in my office, blocking out the noise of my parents and really focusing on the study material, but I am still bone deep tired and weary, so it makes it hard not to fall asleep in the middle of the California Master Plan. I’m stretched out on my couch (a couch that I tend to fall asleep on more often than not), and I have the nasally rant of Adam Carolla in the background to comfort me while I try to figure out how I am going to remember the difference between SB 1440 and SB 440, and how the Student Success Act of 2012 actually helps students. The ranting doesn’t help with any of that, but since my own rant on why this is pointless is not going to help, I will find solace in someone else’s problems.
To further help my procrastination, I decorated the Wilder-Davis House of Chaos Christmas tree. For the last ten years it has been my job to string the lights, pull out everyone’s favorite ornaments, and make sure the tree is decorated in such a way that the kitties cannot get to any of them. This year I was home alone when I decorated the tree, and even though I chose the exact moment to decorate in order to put off studying, decorating the tree this year was really important to me.
Last year at this time I faced the possibility of not being able to decorate a tree ever again. He who shall not be named is a strict conservative Jew, and his mother was completely against the idea of a Christmas tree in the household during this time of year (completely disregarding the fact that the tree is a pagan tradition and has nothing to do with Christ, and that my Christmas ornaments are not Nativity scenes or little baby Jesuses). At this time last year, the rat and I were discussing traditions that we would have as a family, and how we would divide our time between families. His mom’s birthday is on December 25th, so that day was always going to be spent with her, no matter what I had to say about it. I was fine with that for the most part since my family has been celebrating on the 24th, but I was sad about having to give up the tradition of going to the movies and having popcorn for dinner. He informed me that there would be no Christmas tree, and that his kids would not partake in Christmas related activities. His kids would be Jewish, and a Christmas tree is not Jewish.
I was raised Jewish. I consider myself to be Jewish (although I am by no means a good Jew or very religious). My dad (and my biological father for that matter) are not Jewish. Neither is overly religious, but they celebrate Christmas, so we have always had a Christmas tree in the house at Christmas time. It is how I grew up. It is not a religious symbol, and it basically becomes a little mini forest for the cats to sleep under. I like the tradition, and I was looking forward to it no matter where I lived. When he took it off the table, it hurt me. This was an argument for weeks. I cried on a date in the middle of San Francisco. I ultimately one the debate because I asked what else I was going to have to give up to be with him. I was already giving up school in Scotland, living in a place other than San Diego, and my family tradition on Christmas day, and I wasn’t sure I could give up one more thing. He only agreed to end the argument.
Right after we broke up, the only thing I could think about was that I would get to have my Christmas tree. I would get to have my family traditions, and I no longer had to give up things that I enjoyed to be with someone. It seems silly, a pine tree decorated with lights and funny ornaments from places we’ve traveled, or representing interests and hobbies. This tree is a small victory. While I decorated the tree this afternoon I thought about all of the other small victories I had this year. I have been extremely lucky, even with the sucky bits, and this tree is a small victory that I get to stare at while I lay on my couch and try to muster some energy to study for my final. I may be tired, but the multicolored lights and Scooby Doo ornaments are there to remind me of how lucky I am.
Bring on the education legislation. I’ve got my Christmas tree.
The Scamp is a Shitty Juggler
I’m tired.
Not the tired of going to bed too late and getting up too early. Not the tired of a good long workout, or the completion of a paper. No, this is the bone deep, weary tired of having too many balls in the air at one time. It is the tired of someone who has every second of the day scheduled. I’m juggling two jobs (one of which I really like, and one that pays my bills), school, homework, and a paltry attempt at a social life. I’m not doing very well at any of. I’m distracted at work, distracted in class, and haven’t put in nearly enough effort into my homework or relationships. I have a student loan to sort out, and have yet to pay my tuition or register for next semester. I still do not have insurance. Lately the only thing that I am doing well is sleeping and putting off work.
The end of the semester cannot come soon enough. I have one final separating me from the completion of my first semester of the doctoral program. I’m not sure if I have learned a lot, and the final next week will certainly answer that question, but I am happy to be standing near the finish line.
I did not do nearly enough writing while I was in Scotland, and have yet to do any since I have been home. The trip was a good recharge, but coming home and then jumping right back in to school and work has left me with a cold (well, that could have come from the boy, who has been sick for a couple of weeks). The boy told me that I tend to be fatalistic about my disease, and while I don’t agree, he asked me what would happen if I spent one day not thinking about how tired I was, or how much pain I was in. In theory, that would be great. I would love it if I could find a way to shut off that part of my brain. I have decided that I will try that while I am tied up in study groups this weekend preparing for the final.
Today though, I am just going to take some meds, go to bed early, and hope that I wake up tomorrow a little less tired.
The Scamp Abroad 