The Scamp Doesn’t Wanna

Today the sun came out. Not only did the sun come out, but it was 63 degrees! My legs saw the sun today. I wore my toms instead of boots and tights. I walked around without a jacket. I felt great.

Until I didn’t.

I only have ten days left of my adventure here and I have come to the realization that I do not want to go home. I like the safety of my Scotland bubble. There are no painful memories here, no worries about a social circle and friends, and in my little fantasy land, there is no worries about bills, my lack of job and paying for school next semester. I ran out of time to travel, and was unable to see some of the other parts of the UK that I thought I would get to. The end has snuck up on me. I’m not ready. I still have yet to hear from my supervisor about a meeting and have to wait until tomorrow to get the paperwork signed for my leave of absence. I know that I pushed a lot of this to the last minute, but I am a little disheartened at the lack of support from the professors. I hope this isn’t a pattern that will be repeated for the next four months. It will be harder for me to get things done when I am more than 5,000 miles away.

Today I was up at half 6. I read 3/4 of a Stephanie Plum novel before I finally got up and decided to start the day. I’mm not sure what has been disrupting my sleep pattern, but it is on the fritz lately. I have been having nightmares about David which leave me feeling sad and empty, and I am worried about my dissertation and the research that I am doing. I know that these two things are just a product of stress, but I am worried that they will take over and I will go back to being dark and twisty. I don’t want to be dark and twisty.

Last night I packed up parts of my room to ship home. That made the end of the journey seem more real. Today I took the first box to the post office to send on home. While that doesn’t seem like a hard task, I had to carry the box and walk the 10 minutes to the office. The box didn’t seem heavy, but by the time I reached my destination, my arms wanted to fall off. I still have two more boxes that have to be walked and shipped. I’m thinking I am going to wait until Thursday to do the second box and I will take care of the third one on Monday. In the meantime, I am going to do some pushups and work out my little chicken arms.

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I need a pint….or maybe three.

A Scamp Conflicted

Lately I have been having dreams that I have become irrelevant. There is nothing worse than feeling like you no longer matter. In the dreams my friends and family stop talking to me, stop inviting me places, and generally disappear from my life. Now, I am not dumb enough to think that the world is going to stop turning just because I have decided to move to the UK, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling of “out of sight, out of mind”. This lingering feeling is making what time I do have left here difficult. I am definitely moody and suspicious of the motives of people around me. I act like a sullen teenager when someone says, “Oh, but you are moving to Scotland” when they mention a concert, trip, or some other event that will take place when I have left. It’s as if their efforts are wasted on me because I won’t be around much longer.

I have only shared this fear with a couple of people. While two of them told me I was crazy and all would be fine, the only comment I can seem to focus on is the one asshole who told me that fear is completely justified. He went on to tell me that I should not expect to stay in contact with anyone other than my immediate family because I made it virtually impossible for people to want to emotionally connect to me and show me any type of affection. I realize that I am not the easiest person in the world, but I had no idea I was that difficult. For some reason that is the comment that is stuck in my head, and that is making me question all of my choices. While there is nothing short of a health crisis that is going to keep me from going, it does make me question whether or not I should come home. Once I finish my degree I will be more than qualified to work in the UK, and I could see myself staying there and deciding not to come home at all.

At the end of the day I know that I could never be that far from my family, but if I don’t find a way to snap myself out of this mindset, it is going to put a real big damper on the excitement of the upcoming adventure.