gratitude

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 30

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve hit a wall this week. The never ending edits to a 10 page paper are killing me, the statistical data I collected this academic year show an overwhelmingly neutral attitude towards assessment and feedback practices, and the only thing that I want to do is read a trashy romance novel while curled up in my bed.

This is not a new feeling for me. I have not felt all that productive for months. The less productive I feel, the more overwhelmed I feel, and the less work that I actually get done. The frustrating thing about all of this is that I know that I am stuck in this loop, know what I have to do to get out of it, and yet, I’m not actively working to try and stay out of it. One of the hardest things about my depression, and my crazy good self awareness, is that I can often see the mistakes I am making, and even understand why I am making them, but I can’t always stop them. Right now, because I am feeling a little bit stuck with my research, it is keeping me in a nice little depressive loop.

The challenge for this week is to write about what I love about this season of my life. I thought that this would be a hard one to write, but really, it is pretty darn easy. I’m currently sitting in the waiting room of my 30s (thanks Kelsey for that one), and I have to say, despite my ongoing battle with depression, this season of my life is pretty darn great. Once I started thinking about all of the things that I love about my life right now, the list got pretty dang long.

  • I’m sitting on my couch, in a flat that is perfect for me, in Edinburgh. Two years ago I was sitting in the office at my mom’s house studying for the qualifying exam for the EdD programme. I was stressed, but knew that I would pass that hurtle and be that much closer to finishing my degree. This time last year I was filling out customs forms and trying to ship off three boxes of my stuff to meet me here. Yesterday, the sun made a rare appearance and I sat in my window box and soaked up the heat. I wore my bathing suit in hopes that the really white parts of me would get some much needed colour. I’m one year down on my PhD, and although lately the process has led to more tears than smiles, I am really proud that I have made it this far

 

  • I’ve finally figured out how to maintain friendships. I always joke that I am a shitty friend but an excellent pen pal. I spent a lot of time in California by myself, but wasn’t exactly a social butterfly. Most of the time I couldn’t be bothered to go out or do the things that many of the people I had been friends with for a long time wanted to do. Here, I am surrounded by people who also think tacos, beer and movie nights are a good thing. People who will go to the symphony with me, laugh at my puppy videos, and keep me away from chocolate. The few friends I still have in the US have sent me care packages, Skype with me regularly, and text me all the time. I love that technology is so easy to use now that I can text and send pictures as often as I want, and see their faces just about whenever I want. They never make me feel bad about the time difference, and they are always willing to fit me into the schedule.

 

  • I’ve stopped apologising for my personality. I used to get really defensive about wanting to live in Scotland, my love for traveling and cat videos, the fact that I love flamingos and ultra bright yoga pants. I like to crack jokes when making presentations, I think sarcasm and passive aggressive comments fix everything, and I have shoes for every occasion. I love bad reality TV. I’m a little bit weird. People seem to like that. Even the boy humours me on occasion with the puppies, the yoga pants, laughing at my own jokes. It took awhile, but I am finally comfortable with who I am.

 

  • I’m a more honest person. I’ve been working on this blog for 6 years. In that time I’ve discussed my struggles with money, the horrible relationships I’ve been in, my lupus, and more recently, my ongoing battle with depression. 6 years ago I wouldn’t have admitted to the world that I was struggling. I wouldn’t have been open about what I was going through. I would have bucked up and pretended everything was okay. I would have worked hard to maintain friendships and relationships with toxic people, and I would never do anything that would show any form of weakness. Now I cry a lot, ask for help, and let people in a little bit so they can help. I’m really trying to make progress with therapy and I’ve set ridiculous goals for myself to try and stay out of the dark and twisty.

All in all, I feel pretty darn lucky to be in this stage of my life. It’s not perfect, and right now it isn’t as much sunshine and roses as I would like, but it is pretty darn good. Speaking of crossing things off my list of things to do before I turn 30, I was able to cross another one off the list. I just about completed a book that is more than 500 pages. I’m at page 900 of a 1200 page Stephen King book about the assassination of President Kennedy. I’ll eventually finish it, even if I find it really strange, but for now, I am going to say it meets the requirement.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 29

Posted on by erranteditor

Scottish summer came and went this week. It was a good Tuesday. I wore a sundress and flip flops. I sat in the park by my house until 8pm. My nose got sunburned and my legs look a little less white.

Not a bad summer.

The challenge this week is to write about the last person I said I love you to. I say I love you a lot to a lot of people in my life….okay, to be fair, the only people in my life in any real meaningful way are people that I love.

I think the last person though was my BFF. Because of his super secret spy job I am not allowed to post pictures of him on the internet, but we met here in Scotland and have been besties ever since we went to Belfast a few years ago. He supported me through two bad break-ups, exile from the US, and has offered to marry me so I can become a Scottish citizen if they are successful in gaining their independence from the UK. He worries a lot about my depression, so he drags me out of the house and takes me on adventures around Scotland so I don’t sit around and mope.

Last weekend we took the train to Linlithgow and spent the day walking around the birth place of Mary Queen of Scots and soaking in some culture. We pretended that we were hip and watched golf, and laughed our way through the ridiculousness of my love for puppies and my efforts to touch a swan (or a duck, or goose, and any dog that came close to me).

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We’ve made plans for other excursions around Scotland, and even though he is ditching me for Leeds Leeds Leeds and a PhD, we’ve made plans to meet and explore England as well. I’m not exactly sure why he puts up with me, but I love him all the same.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 28

Posted on by erranteditor

It is raining again. Shouldn’t be a surprise. It has been raining off and on since I moved here. The rain is starting to drive me crazy. When the sun does come out it is for about five minutes, maybe ten, and then the clouds blow back in and the rain starts.

I need a weekend away. I need lots of weekends away. I’ve been avoiding the office for two weeks. I went in yesterday for a couple of meetings and today I went back to hiding out at my house. I had a meeting with the supervisor I can relate to the most, and she said that the main supervisor asked her to have a chat with me because the last time he gave me bad news I didn’t take it well. My report has been turned in and hopefully it won’t be kicked back, which means I can be an official PhD student.

We shall see though.

I felt a lot better after the chat with my supervisor, she is really good at making me feel better, but by the end of the second meeting, my main supervisor dashed my hopes again by telling me that the paper I have been working on since November is nowhere near ready to be considered for publication. After all of the edits, the comments, the back and forth between the four of us, now he tells me that the paper needs a lot of work to be good enough. Where was this 4 drafts ago?  I have no idea what is expected of me, or what I can do to read their minds.

and the sucky part? It is starting to make me doubt my ability. I have this horrible problem of attaching my worth to the things that I create. These papers, they are a part of me, a measure of me….and right now, they are not good enough….which means I am not good enough.

But I digress. The challenge for this week is to write about 5 major goals I have for my life. No big deal.

Goal 1: I want to get healthy. I am having a tough time staying mentally and physically healthy. I’m trying to get a handle on my Lupus, and so far, things have been pretty good. I’m hoping that in the next 6 months or so I can go off some of the medication. I would like to get down to less than 10 pills a day. I want to be able to overcome the dark and twisty and the self doubt and CSUF and be able to enjoy my life and all the good things around me.

Goal 2: I want to stay in the UK. Okay, by UK I mean I want to stay in Scotland. This is the only place I have ever felt at home. Leaving once almost destroyed me, and I am sure leaving a second time would. I love it here. I love the people, I love the way of life. I love that I can walk almost anywhere, and take the bus when I can’t. I love that the buildings are old and have a history, love all of the different accents that I get to hear on a daily basis.

Goal 3: I want to start my literacy foundation. I want to spend part of my days helping people learn how to read. I want to travel the world and set up programmes that teach kids to love books and allow them to be opened to a whole world of possibilities. Libraries are dying. Bookstores are dying. Curiosity and storytelling are dying. I want to bring that back. I want to bring it all back with paper books and not tablets and e-readers. I’m also going to make Reading with Rover a mandatory thing. Because nothing is better than books. Except puppies and books.

Goal 4: I want to get out of debt. This one speaks for itself.

Goal 5: I just want to be happy. All of the other goals are really to meet this one. I want to be one of those people that makes you sick she is so happy. If I was in a cartoon the sun would shine when I walked outside and flowers would bloom and sing.

And I want a puppy. Someone get me a puppy.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 25

Posted on by erranteditor

It is raining. It is cold. It is the end of June. I’m not happy. This weather is making me sad. On the upside, my last shift at the tutoring centre is tomorrow. I’m terrified. The money situation had gotten better, and I would be able to pay my loan payment and for therapy. Now, who knows. My mommy told me she will help me pay my bills, but I cannot ask for that amount of money every month. Hopefully something else will come along….or I will win the lottery.

But, me crying about money is not the point of the writing challenge. This week the challenge is dedicated to three rules that I live by. I’ve been thinking about this one all week. I know what my little moral compass says, but I am not always sure I can label it as a rule. I’ll do my best to try and put some things down though that cover the way I live.

Rule 1: Don’t be a shitlord

Although it is really difficult for me sometimes, I try to be compassionate to those around me. I’ve been working really hard over the last two years to be nicer to people and really try to be clam when dealing with situations that are stressful. This one is really hard, and this rule is a work in progress, but so far I have noticed that when I am nicer to people, they are nicer to me. I also have way less headaches. It has made my recent dark and twisty more bearable as well. My friends and family have been amazing at checking in, sending me care packages, and skyping with me. My friends here have let me cry to them, met me for dinner and drinks, and have offered to celebrate my last shift at the tutoring centre. I am a lucky lucky girl, and I think that part of it is because I am trying my hardest not to be a shitlord….and I am I willing to say I am sorry when I fuck up.

Valuable lesson: When in doubt, do yoga. Yoga helps keep you from being a shitlord.

Rule 2: Be a Flamingo in a flock of pigeons

I like cat videos. I love flamingos and trashy romance novels. I have a lot of tattoos and I love a liberal use of the word fuck. I am overly sarcastic and cynical. I moved 5,000 miles away from my family because the only place I have ever felt at home happens to be in Edinburgh, Scotland. I’m not really a fan of night clubs and public drunkenness. I think mustard should be its own food group, and I believe hot chocolate is a cure for just about anything. I love books. I love education. I love being a student. I have Lupus. I suffer from depression and crippling self doubt. I got kicked out of a programme for being a racist….some days I think I might be racist. People think I am weird and dorky, and you know what, I probably am.

But that’s okay. It took me ten years and a lot of therapy to be okay with who I am. I used to spend a lot of time wanting to please people and worrying about what people thought about me. I drove myself crazy for almost two years when I moved back to California trying to be happy there and feeling defensive about my gypsy soul. Since I have embraced my flamingo ways I have been to some amazing places and met some amazing people. The thing is, the weird is what leads to some of these friendships, and to some very interesting conversations. Learning to be happy with myself was hard, really hard, but I think by the time I turn 30 I will be a really good flamingo.

Rule 3: Always ask for help

This one speaks for itself. It doesn’t make you weak, or cause people to think less of you. In fact, most people will respect you more if you ask for help.

This week is going to be a doozy. I have the end of the tutoring centre, my transfer of title meeting to become an official PhD student, a conference in Manchester where I am presenting a paper, and a meeting with the other folks in Scotland who are using the same methodology.

I want a hug, and a puppy. or a puppy that gives hugs.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 24

Posted on by erranteditor

It is going to be hard to top yesterday’s hilarious story from the kids, but I dedicated to the weekly challenge.

Like last week’s challenge, I am having a hard time thinking of what to write for this one. This week’s challenge is to write about the last new thing that I tried.

Nothing comes to mind. My life right now is pretty boring. An all work and no play type of thing. I’m currently in the middle of trying to finish a draft of a paper up for publication, write a report that will advance me to a proper PhD candidate, and work on two separate papers with two other research assistants to bolster my CV and hopefully get accepted at a couple of conferences (one of which is in Wales. I’ve never been to Wales.). All I can think about is the amount of work that needs to be done, and the amount of time that I have spent watching cat videos on YouTube because I’m looking for an excuse not to write.

I think this post would better suit me in a couple of weeks when I get my first solo presentation at a well respected academic conference. I am so excited for my three minute ‘nano presentation’. The paper being presented will be done by then (hopefully) and I will get a chance to razzle dazzle the crowd in sunny Manchester. This is an extension conference from the one that I attended almost a year ago, and this time when I get there, I will already know some people going. Seeing the familiar faces in the crowd will make it easier to present as well.I got a bit of practice in short presentations this week when another research and I presented a poster at the 2016 Edinburgh Napier Research Conference. The poster we presented is not what I will be presenting at the end of the month, but it was good to practice talking with people and trying to be short and sweet about it. My supervisor liked the poster we made as well, which was an extra cherry on my phone little academic sundae.

This month has been a real struggle for me. The weather has me feeling down, a lot of deadlines are fast approaching, and it has been a long time since I had an adventure, so I am starting to feel very antsy.

Maybe the weather will improve for next week and I can write all of these reports and finish all of these drafts while getting some sunshine as well. I miss sunshine.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 23

Posted on by erranteditor

The challenge for this week is to wax poetic about my best quality.

Nothing comes to mind.

I guess I am really good at putting everyone’s needs above my own. I bend over backwards for others, do everything to make sure they are happy and have their needs met, even if it means that I have to be inconvenienced.

I’m good at being negative.

I am grouchy. I’ve been grouchy for the last few days. I have a lot of work to do. I have done nothing today. My flat is clean. That is about it.

I’ve been alone too long today. I’ve been wasting all the progress in therapy by letting autopilot take over and let all the negative thoughts come through.

I want someone to come give me a hug and some chocolate and sit with me until I feel better. I want my kitty.

So now, because I am being negative, I have been given an assignment with three basic questions that need to be answered.

  1. What are the last three nice things I’ve done for someone, why I did them, and how did they contribute to their lives?

              1. Yesterday one of the kids in the tutoring centre was having an epic meltdown. He                  is autistic, no more than 7 years old, and I’m not sure why, but yesterday was not                   his day. He started throwing things, knocking over chairs and trashcans, and                           kicking up a really good fuss. I’ve never seen the centre so when the AD was just                     getting frustrated trying to calm him down, I tried to see if I could get him calm. I                   got him to sit down, and for about 3 minutes he was okay. I got kicked a few times                  and then scolded by the AD for not helping the children who I was supposed to be                  tutoring, but for those three minutes, the poor little kid was calm in the middle of                  his storm.  I’m not sure that did anything to contribute to his life, but he seemed                   like he needed someone to talk to him calmly, someone to acknowledge that he                       was having a bad day and just needed some understanding.

          2. A week, maybe two weeks ago, I made some Powerpoints for my friend/colleague. I             did because I knew that he had a lot on his plate and he needed the help. I figured it               was easy for me to do, wouldn’t take me that long, and I was majorly procrastinating            on my own work. The workshop went off without a hitch, so I am assuming that I                    made his life a little bit easier. It also means that the next time he runs the workshop            he will already have the materials ready to go.

        3. I cancelled plans with the boy so that he could relax before his set of shifts. I was                  looking forward to dinner and a movie, but he mentioned he was tired and feeling                  cranky, so I asked if I could stop by for a cup of tea and some chat instead. I did it                   because I knew he had a rough set of shifts ahead, because he would be cranky if we               went out, and because I am a codependent doormat who wants to please everyone                  happy even if it means putting my needs second. I know that it was easier for him                  because he told me it was, and I really enjoyed the tea and the chat that we had.

2. What are three nice things that people have done for me lately? Why did they do them and how do they contribute to my life?

         1. My mom sent me a care package full of goodies that I miss from California. I got tortillas and peanut butter snacks and trial mix. She also included a card that told me she was proud of me and that she loved me. I know she did it because I have been having a rough go with my depression. It made me feel great, and now I have tortillas to make quesadillas with when I am sad. It is the little acknowledgement that she cares about me that is the nice part.

2. I got a Skype call yesterday after work. This is one of my best friends. She called me because she was feeling a bit blue, but she let me rant, be cranky, and never once told me that I was being silly or irrational. I got to listen to her, and by the end of the conversation both of us were feeling better. It was nice because it was acknowledgment that someone cared about me to check in, and someone thought of me when they wanted some comfort.

3. My friend/colleague/partner in hijinks let me invade is flat this week so that I could make margaritas and quesadillas to work on a paper. He also got approval for me to work with him on a project that finally allows me to do something in the office other than be the token PhD student. Maybe I might eventually get paid for doing the work. For now though, I am grateful for the chance to work on a fun project and do something useful.

3. What is something that I care about that I regularly contribute to.

      Ummmmmmm…….this one is a tough one. I think this blog is the one thing that I contribute to regularly. I make sure that at least once a week I sit down and write something. A lot of time the posts are meant to make me feel better. Last year I did the gratitude challenge to help with the dark and twisty, and a lot of the post for this challenge are also meant to remind me of the good things in my life. Usually by the time I finished writing I feel a lot better. Even when the posts are sad or mopey, usually I get a comment or a note from one of the readers saying something nice or sharing a similar experience. I enjoy that moment of connection with people I only know through writing.

Reflection: What is the strongest conclusion that I can objectively come to based on the answers that I provided.

I guess what I could say is that my best quality is probably that no matter what, I seem to be a magnet for really great people. My friends and family are pretty great, even when I get into one of the dark and twisty moods and only see the negatives. These are the people that send me care packages and cat videos, pay my bills so I can quit my job, and remind me that despite the best efforts of my brain, I am not a broken toy.

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 22

Posted on by erranteditor

Sunshine! There is actual sunshine. I’ve seen the sun every day this week. I wore shorts on Tuesday. I brought only a light jacket with me today. I might actually get to see summer. My legs might actually get a tan.

This has been a long week of avoiding work as much as possible. I’m in the middle of interview transcription, and I hate it. I hate listening to my own voice, and it will take me about 6 hours to transcribe a 1 hour interview (okay, a lot longer than 6 hours because I am slow, I get bored, and often can only work ten minutes at a time before I get frustrated).  I am trying to keep things with the PhD progressing, and for the moment, things are a bit slow, but still moving. I’ve got a meeting set up for the end of the month to officially grant me PhD status, so now the draft of the paper I am writing needs to really be completed, and I have to write up everything that I have done for the last year, and hope that the committee feels that it has been enough to demonstrate that I am capable of completing two more years of study. In 17 days I will celebrate one year of living in Scotland, and in a little less than two months, I will have officially completed my first year of study.

I’m not sure where the time has gone.

The challenge for this week is to write about the place I currently call home.

If only I hadn’t sat down to write this with only 20 minutes before a meeting on what it is like to be an international student at Edinburgh Napier. I could write pages and pages and pages about Edinburgh, and what it means to live here. I’ve said it many times, both when I lived here three years ago, when I went back to California for a bit, and now that I am here: Edinburgh is the first place I have ever felt at home. For someone who spend a lot of time with words, I’m not really sure there are words that really cover how much I love it here. Moving here has been the most selfish thing I have ever done, and it is a choice that I would make over and over again. This city saved my life.

I think one of my favourite things about living here is the people that I get to meet. This is such an international city. I’m constantly surrounded by accents….and not just Scottish ones. It seems like this city is a magnet for people from all over the world. Everyone sounds different, and I love meeting people who have been living here for many years and have started to develop a hybrid Scottish/home accent. I hope that I live here long enough for that to happen to me. Even in the last year I notice that I have picked up vocabulary and phrases that are only said here.

4 years ago I got off a plane with my mom for a four day adventure that would determine the rest of my life. I applied and said yes for a position at the University of Edinburgh (but waited until I got to Scotland to tell my mom that I accepted), and scheduled a campus tour. I knew when I stepped off the plane that I was going to move here and love it. We went to the zoo, navigated the bus system, and realized that it would be very easy (and very safe for me to live here on my own. I spent the next four months preparing for the move (and starting this blog). Once I was here I made friends, learned how to walk everywhere and anywhere, and explored every inch of this city.

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PRC and I had a lot of good times here, and I wrote the best piece of academic work I have produced to date from the education that I got here. Anyone who has been a long time reader knows that returning to California was the hardest thing I have ever done, and that my transition back to American living did not go well at all. A lot of times the only thing that kept me going was the thought that I was getting the EdD with the soul intention of coming back here to live and work.

This time around I’m living in a great flat near the water, I’m dating a nice guy (although cultural communication brings its own fun challenges) and have made some lovely new friends to go along with the ones I have loved so dearly for the last four years. Many of the people that stay in contact with regularly are the ones that I have met here and have moved to other parts of the world.

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This is my front yard as it were. I catch the bus from here, and it drops me off at night right in front of my building. While there are some days that I miss driving, I can walk or take the bus to everything that I need or want. I’m already planning some trips that will take me around Europe, and even on my worst days here, it is still happening in Scotland. I’m hoping that in 6 years when my student visa runs out I will be able to get a work visa, or at least apply to become a permanent resident. I’m not leaving unless the government forces me to.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 22

Posted on by erranteditor

I saw a bit of summer yesterday.

For about ten minutes.

Today it is cold again. It will probably rain. I will be sorely tempted to crawl back in bed and not be a productive member of society (okay, it is 2 pm here and I am tempted to do just that). I’m sitting in the local library working on a draft of my paper, writing a speech for a lecture I am hosting on Thursday, and generally avoiding work that needs to be done but I know will be boring and tedious.

I think it may be time for me to stop talking about planning a short trip somewhere and actually plan that short trip somewhere.

The focus of the challenge this week is to write about the last bad day I had. There are many ways I could take that. The last bad day in regards to my health, the last bad day at work, the last bad day I created….the possibilities are endless.

I think the last bad day I had was a month ago. The dark and twisty had gotten really dark and really twisty. I was sad, really tired, and just not feeling like myself. I was getting no work done, making the boy’s life miserable, and generally just being doom and gloom.

That day was horrible. I spent the day working from a friend’s house. I say working, but really, I spent the day crying, being sad, and just wanting cuddles. I didn’t eat, barely slept, and spent the day trying to figure out why I was such a horrible person. Turns out, that bad day was also a very good day for me. It was the universe smacking me upside the head and telling me it was time to stop being a baby and get some real help. I found a therapist that did not have an 8 week wait list, made a list of things that had to be done, and projects that were not as dire, and had a long talk with the boy about my depression.

The outcome of that bad day led me to a good doc, and some appointments with the GP to make sure there isn’t something more serious going on, a really good cry, and not only a good chat with the boy, but some major effort and understanding on his part to be a better boyfriend. The fact that the last bad day was a month ago also makes me feel that I am taking the right steps to get healthy, and that so far, things seem to be working out.

Now, if only I could use that feeling to motivate me enough to transcribe a 2 hour interview with a guy who started every answer with ‘there are two parts to my answer’ without ever actually answering my questions.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 19

Posted on by erranteditor

The sun is out. The sun is out and I am outside writing while the boyfriend studies for his exam. I am in a dress. My legs are exposed and getting some much needed colour. I’ve taken the last few days off of really doing anything work related, partly because I am lazy, and partly because I am tired and needed the break. Eventually I will get along to doing some work, but for right now, I think that enjoying the sunshine is the most important thing I could be doing for my health.

And this. This bit of writing is good for me. If nothing else, I can say that I did do some writing today. This week the challenge is fun. It is dedicated to a dream that I just can’t give up on. I have a few dreams that I am not ready to give up on, and seeing how I am only 29, I still have loads of time to make them happen.

The first one is making a living traveling. I would love to b paid to write and travel. I cannot think of a better way to spend my days than going on adventures in new places, meeting new people and experiencing the world. I was having a chat on the bus ride home last night with one of the assistant managers of the tutoring centre. We got to talking about traveling and why we want to see the world, and it turns out we both really just like to learn as much as we can about the world by actually being a part of it and interacting with it. It is nice to meet people like this. One of the things I struggled with the most when I first returned to the States three years ago was that people did not really understand my need for adventure and my love of living overseas. Some people that I had been friends with for years just couldn’t understand why I wanted a life outside our little city. It was tough. I struggled a lot with my identity, and the expectations I thought I had to live up to by returning. Through therapy I was able to come to terms with my janky thinking, and really love this adventurous part of me. Now I can’t wait to ride an elephant in Bali, spit off the Eiffel Tower in Paris, and swim in the crystal clear water of the Maldives. I have this incredible thirst to go everywhere and see as much as I can, and I don’t see that dream dying anytime soon.

The other dream that I am not going to give up on is starting a literacy foundation that helps kids all over the world to read. I already know what I would call it (thanks Soon-Ah), and I know that Reading with Rover would be a thing (because seriously, who doesn’t want to read with a dog?). I have a degree to finish, and some student loan debt to pay off, but once I manage that, then I am seriously going to figure out what it would take to start helping kids love books as much as I do.

In other exciting news, I officially get to cross another thing off my list. Today marks the 3 month point of making my bed every day. It is a habit now, and not just something I am doing to cross off the list. I am hoping that because I was able to make this a habit, that things like a solid exercise  routine will now be easier to manage.

Here’s to hoping.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge:Week 18

Posted on by erranteditor

The weather forecast for the weekend promises warm weather for the weekend.

Well, 53 degrees, which is warm for Scotland. I am working all day Saturday, but you can bet your butt that I will be spending a part of my Sunday outside enjoying the warm weather. I might even wear leggings that end just below the knee (although that might scare people, so I may have to reconsider that option).

I’ve been in a serious funk for the last few weeks, and today I finally get to see the therapist and get back to feeling better. That makes this week’s writing challenge all the more fun. Week 18 is dedicated to something that I like I about myself. While I tempted to say I like my sarcasm and call it a day, there is actually a lot I like about myself.

I think the one trait or feature that I like most about myself is my self-awareness. It took a lot of therapy, and a long time to develop, but now that it is a part of me, I am grateful for it. While I do not always focus on the things that I know, and deal with the problems or the issues that I recognize in a timely manner, I am glad that I can at least spot them. I made the mistake of letting my depression go unchecked here for almost a year, and while I pretended it wasn’t that bad, in the back of my mind I knew that it was something that I needed to take care of.

I would have to say that another thing that I like about myself is that no matter how bad I get, how negative, how sick, or how sad, I seemed to have found a way to make some really strong connections with people. I have some really amazing friends and family that make me own my shit, that sit with me when I cry, and tell me that I don’t have to do anything by myself. My mom is helping me pay for therapy (seriously, my one complaint with health insurance is that it is hard to get mental health covered, and see a doc is expensive), my sister sends me baby pictures and videos everyday, and I get Skype dates as often as I can. I know that says more about them than it does about me, but I like that I was able to make those connections, and that there is something about me that keeps those people from throwing in the towel when I get to be a pain in the ass.

I guess I’m not so bad after all.