Love | The Scamp Abroad

The Scamp and a Wedding

Posted on August 18, 2014 by erranteditor

Yesterday I watched my college roommate get married.

After a 12 hour round trip drive, I am pretty much fried, so I will leave my corner of blogging heaven with these

This girl mailed me baklava to Scotland when I was depressed about David, sent me puppy videos when Brian dumped me, and let me snark with her at her own wedding. Despite not having physically seen each other since I graduated in 2009, it was like no time passed at all. The hug I got, and the little bit of one on one time was great. Next time I am shooting for a less formal reunion though. I felt honored that she let me share her special day with her and her new husband. I knew 5 years ago that they were going to get married, and I know that they are going to have babies that love the Dodgers and hate football. I cannot wait to see what the future brings for them.

Mazel you two crazy lovebirds!

I’ll get back to the regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow.

maybe.

The Scamp Unloads a Burden

Posted on April 9, 2014 by erranteditor

I’ve been pretending I’m fine for months, thinking that if I pretended I wasn’t depressed again, it would go away. I said I was fine so many times that I created, and then destroyed a relationship I had no business being in. I said I fine so many times that I eventually was consumed by the word and didn’t know how to say I was unhappy, or that I needed help beyond what anyone I love could objectively give me.

I’m an avid freshly presser. I love reading what people have to say on subjects I am interested in (and one day secretly hope to grace the page). Today I came across a blog that perfectly captured how I feel (You can find the owner of the words that so perfectly capture what I am sure many people struggling with depression feel here: http://blackdogrunner.wordpress.com/)

BDR writes:

When you’re in the clutches of depression, it requires an enormous amount of energy. Many a day I’ve gone to work, said nothing except a couple of ‘fine thank yous’ , and come home utterly exhausted. Which has a knock-on effect on my ability to do it all over again the next day.

But there’s another problem – a more insidious problem – with lying. Every time you tell someone you are ‘fine’ – when you’re not – you buy into the belief that it’s not acceptable to be depressed. In other words, the act of concealing your true mood, sends a subconscious message that it needs concealing, that it’s something to be ashamed of.

I’m exhausted. I spent so much time anxiously worried about the state of my relationship, or how busy I was, or how behind I fell with school work, that I could literally crawl in bed and sleep for days. In fact, I would like nothing more than to pull the covers over my head and not resurface until all of these feelings have passed.

I saw a therapist on campus…..I didn’t like her (I have since made a new appointment with a different person in hopes of finding a better fit).

I have three jobs and no insurance, so I didn’t look for an affordable option.

I have phoned it in at work and school, and not many people would have ever known something was wrong until last week when I lost control of my tear ducts and cried in oddest of places.

My self-worth at this moment is severely lacking. It is the one thing that I need to work on figuring out. It is one of the reasons I jumped into a relationship, it is one of the reasons I hide behind school, and it is one of the things I am constantly reminded of, but am somehow unable to see.

Today was my lucky day in class though. I got two cards from two of my favorite cohort members. One was a great note thanking me for being me, and listing qualities that she enjoyed about me. She has been doing this every week for the different members of our group, and mine just so happened to come at a time when I needed a reminder to look at all the good about myself.

The second card came from a woman that I love. he is one of the bravest, warmest, and inspired people I have ever met. She has a passion for people that is beyond anything I can hope to have, and she constantly reminds me what it means to fully invest in your dreams. She was a strong comforting shoulder for me last week, and the card she gave me tonight will be one I keep close for a good long while.

It says:

It isn’t always easy to make changes, but there’s no better advice than this: just do your best. Make sure you stay strong enough to move ahead, because there are some wonderful rewards waiting for you.

It won’t all make sense right away, but I promise you; over the course of time, answers will come, decisions will prove to be the right ones, and the path will be easier to see. Here are some things you can do that will help see you through….

You can have hope. Because it works wonders for those who have it. You can be optimistic. Because people who expect things to turn out for the best often set the stage to receive a beautiful result. You can put things into perspective. Because some things are important and others are definitely not.

You can remember that beyond the clouds, the sun is still shining. You can meet each challenge and give it all you’ve got.

You can count your blessings. You can be inspired to climb your ladders and have some nice long conversations with your wishing stars. You can be strong and patient. You can be gentle and wise.

And you can believe in happy endings. Because you are the author if the story of your life.

Douglas Pagels

I’m going to look to the strong and patient, gentle and wise parts to get me through.

As per my usual, I have been way too emotionally open and honest about being a hot mess. This blog was supposed to be my adventures in Scotland, and then my adventures in the doctoral program. It has become my outlet for all of the thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to voice in my everyday life. I don’t hide behind the anonymity that the blogosphere offers since I post the link to my Facebook, and I am sure one day I will cringe about all of the things I have put out into the world, but right now, in this moment, I feel a little bit better about getting this off my chest.

The Scamp and a Birthday

Posted on April 6, 2014 by erranteditor

Today is Mama Scamp’s birthday!

She started out as a curious little tyke with the crazy bowl cut.

She was a crazy dare devil growing up, having broken most of her bones at one point in time. She played baseball, basketball, and has had the same exact smile since she was a little kid. Everyone who knew my grandma will see a lot of her in my mom.

My mommy has always been a hottie. I’m not sure how she managed to skip over the awkward stage that most of us have (or in my case, am still having).

She is definitely my favorite person. No matter what I do, she supports me 100%. She paid for my first degree, has helped me move to and from countless apartments, and has done her best to help me whenever I ask. She has currently given up her office so that I have a place to study and lets me live at home rent free so that I can pay off my debt from Scotland.

She really is the only one who gets me. We laugh at things no one thinks are funny, we can spend hours watching cat videos, and she supports all of my crazy ideas for back-up careers.

She lost her mom over 20 years ago and I think that made her work extra hard to make sure that all of us kids were taken care of. We know we can always come home, always call her for help, and count on her to do something to make us laugh. She spoils us rotten (but I am totally okay with that).

She is my best friend and favorite person. I pity people who do not have a mom as awesome as mine.

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on April 4, 2014 by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better. One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

The Scamp and a Repost

Posted on March 19, 2014 by erranteditor

This is a post that I wrote a year ago to the day. It still holds true, and it was written at a critical moment in my life, so rather than try to recreate the words, I am just going to share them again.

Today my grammy would have turned 75. I say would because she was killed in a car accident in 1996. She would never start her car until all of us had our seat belts on, but she herself refused to wear one. That choice ultimately cost her life.

While she battled many demons (drugs, weight and addictions) I was too young to know any of that, so to me, she was just my grammy. She was fun, told the best stories and had zebra print carpet in her TV room.

Frances Ann was only 20 when my mom was born. I’m not sure if it was hard for her or not, doing the single mom thing before she married my grandpa, but pictures like this make me think she did the best she knew how.

That adorable little creature is me circa 1988. It is clear that she loved being a grandma. Some of my favorite memories as a child involve swimming in her pool in Palm Springs or having milkshakes at Hamburger Hamlet. She was a horrible secret keeper and she used to ask Kelly (who is also a horrible secret keeper) to trade secrets about Christmas gifts with her (it usually worked).

I think this picture best sums up how I remember her. She never took that necklace off, she was always wearing big glasses, and she always smelled like Red Door. For awhile my mom had a garment bag that belonged to my grandma. I used to open it up because every time I did, it smelled like her. My mom finally got rid it when it stopped smelling of her.

One of my favorite memories of her was one weekend we spent in Palm Springs I got a horrible ear infection. While we were waiting in the emergency room, she drew a picture of me getting a shot in the butt with a very large needle. She had my brother and sister rolling, and had me in tears scared to death. I don’t know what happened to that picture, but I wish I still had it.

On the 15th anniversary of her death I got a showgirl tattooed on my back with her initials. My grammy loved Vegas, and loved to gamble, but the tattoo had to be a showgirl. One of my favorite pictures was one that she took on a weekend trip. It is a picture of her head superimposed on a showgirl’s body. She loved that photo and used to joke with people that that was her in a former life.

I spent the day eating a club sandwich, drinking a Coke and watching Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. It is a tradition that my family shares every year on this date. It is a tradition that I take comfort in, no matter where I am or how I am feeling. She may not have been perfect, but she was my grammy and I love her.

This day is hard for my mommy. Those of you that know her, give her a hug, or send her a text reminding her how amazing she is and how proud her mom would be of her.

The Scamp and a Moving Castle

Posted on March 5, 2014 by erranteditor

Howl: I feel terrible, like there’s a weight on my chest.

Young Sophie: A heart’s a heavy burden.

Truer words have never been spoken. This particular gem comes from Howl’s Moving Castle, a 2004 Japanese animated fantasy film scripted and directed by Hayao Miyazaki. The film is based on the novel of the same name by English writer Diana Wynne Jones. It is a visually stunning film, and quite a sweet love story

The attention to detail in the animation is stunning

This is Howl’s castle. It is propelled by fire and magic

I needed the sappy sweet love story, and the reminder that a heart is a heavy burden, but when you find someone who is willing to share that burden with you, then you should accept it, and do the same for them in return.

Because I let three jobs, a full class load, homework, and a penchant for afternoon naps, I will not reach my goal of 200 posts by my birthday. I can tell you though that I am working on a fun filled photo journey through the last 26 (almost 27) years of birthdays for the big day, and I am hoping that I will have some time for the next couple of days to get some of the thoughts out of my brain and into the world.

The Scamp and a Present

Posted on October 18, 2013 by erranteditor

I like giving presents.

Well, that’s not true. I like giving meaningful presents. I love finding the perfect gift for someone and seeing their face when they open it.

Then there was this boy. I found two presents I thought he would like, and after I bought them, he told me that he is hard to buy presents for, and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. He had me worried. I talked to my mom, my sister, and my best friend about to make sure what I got him wasn’t stupid or cheesy. It is not like me to second guess my choices, but when he told em he wouldn’t like it, I was really thought there was a chance that he wouldn’t.

These are the presents:

This one is pretty self explanatory. He is a scientist, and he has worked his way into my heart, so I thought this would be a fitting piece of art for the wall in his room.

This picture is different. It made me laugh. We have exactly one picture together:

and while it is a great picture (I mean, come on, look at the windows in his living room!), the picture of the two skeletons speak to us as a couple. I am always threatening to punch him in the face, and he is always trying to get in my pants. The picture makes me giggle, and I was hoping that every time he looked at it, he would giggle too.

Score one for me though. He loved the pictures. I got a real smile, a very nice kiss, and a “well done” (which is the same thing he said to me when I told him about the A on my dissertation. It is not so much the words, but the tone of voice…..like the guy in Babe, when he says, “That’ll do pig.” and Babe knows he succeeded).

This just reaffirms my love for giving meaningful gifts, and it gives me some hope that even after heartstompapoloza, I can be a part of a functional human relationship.

Should anyone be interested in the artwork, the lovely artist can be found here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/frenchprints?ref=l2-shopheader-name. There are almost 700 prints to choose from, all of them beautiful.

The Scamp Falls in Love With Brilliance

Posted on October 7, 2013 by erranteditor

The Scamp Healing

Posted on April 1, 2013 by erranteditor

I was lucky enough to be able to Skype with my mom yesterday. I talked to her for almost an hour with bunny ears on (it was Easter after all). She made the comment at the end of the conversation that I looked great. I thought that was funny considering that I was wearing a sweatshirt, trackies and my hair had not been washed or brushed in well over 24 hours. I’m not even sure I had brushed my teeth at that point in the day. Her comment made me feel good. Our conversation didn’t involve tears, didn’t involve me stressing about David, but instead revolved around all of the things that I have planned for her visit next week. To be honest, it is the most relaxed and best I have felt in months.

I owe most of this change to the my friends and family. The amount of support, check-ins, food and funny cat pictures have reminded me that things suck in the moment, but that doesn’t mean I am a broken toy or unlovable. They have reminded me that it is okay to be sad, okay to be angry, and okay to feel like I got emotionally hit by a car. The guys and gals here have been keeping me busy which really helps me from going to the dark and twisty places in my mind.

One of the best surprises, and one of the strongest motivations to make myself a better person is the unexpected ways I seem to help others. One of my favorite people here recently shared her blog with me. One of the entries was from my birthday. She made my blog into a book and seemed shocked that I could see so much value in something that she saw as effortless to make. She wrote that she felt she had connected with me the most since she had been in Scotland because I understood writing down my emotions, and understood the importance of words. I was honored enough that she felt comfortable enough to share her blog with me, but then to read that she felt connected to me through my blog and my openness really made me feel good about myself. When I was younger (heck even until a few months ago) I had a good sense of self, and good self esteem. For some reason I let David take that from me. Seeing these little reminders that the person I thought I was is still there is really nice.

I’d like to say that the rest of the change is coming from me, but the truth is, the rest of the healing process is coming from the help of a professional. That is a hard thing to admit, and something I am not proud of, but I have come to realize that I need help with coping, and want to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister, and eventually one day, a better girlfriend or wife. Her methods are unconventional (she loves to draw diagrams on a whiteboard and have me read books with titles like It’s Called a BreakUp Because it is Broken), but she is really helping me undo 26 years of bad habits. I figure much the way people go to physical therapy to learn how to retrain their muscles, I can go to CBT to retrain my brain.

I’m not fixed yet though. Despite everything that has happened, I still love David. I still wonder if there is a chance to have the future we planned, still wonder if he will contact me again. I know with time those will fade. One thing I have learned from the crazy books I’ve been reading is that our relationship was never going to work. He doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be in such a serious relationship, and may not even have the capacity to love at all. I on the other hand, like to feel emotional connections, and like to know that I am loved and like to have the people around me know I love them (I know a lot of that revolves around a lot of sarcasm, bad jokes, and cat videos, but it is there, trust me).

I still have some fears though. I worry about jobs, what my social circle will be like when I move home, and how well I will adjust to living at home again. Luckily I am also learning how to tackle some of those fears and not let them drive me crazy.

David sent me this song a couple of weeks ago because he thought I would like it. I had heard it several times on the radio here, and think it is an appropriate song for the moment.

A Scamp and Focus

Posted on October 17, 2012 by erranteditor

I’ve seemed to have lost my focus. I have been staring at an article for the last hour and a half, and it took me almost an hour to motivate myself to get off Facebook and actually read it. That seems to be a common problem lately, my lack of focus. I know that part of it is the rain and my desire to just curl up in bed with a good book, and that I have been feeling a bit homesick since my mom bought me a ticket home for the Christmas holiday. While that should be motivating me to get my work done so I can spend all of my time at home enjoying myself, I am finding it hard to sit down and focus on what I am reading. I find myself reading two or three paragraphs and then Facebook stalking people I know.

The Facebook stalking is pulling my focus from other important matters. Facebook recently alerted me to a birthday of a guy that I knew in college. I knew him through my ex-boyfriend and the guys that he lived with. I was going to ignore it, but I clicked on his page anyway, and after leaving a quick “happy birthday, hope life is treating you well message” I fell into the trap of browsing his pictures and comments, and of course, they were all from the ex-boyfriend that I have not thought about in years. He broke my heart. Stomped all over it with a text message break-up and a fear of my illness. I fell into the second trap of clicking on his page. Of course the picture that came up is him with a girl, and all I could think about was him saying that he needed to be single because he had to focus on his tier four law career. I couldn’t help but think that it was me. I wasn’t good enough. He used to tell me that I was the love of his life. I didn’t know that what he was really saying was that I was the love of his life from ages 1 to 22. I am pretty sure I cried for weeks, and then did some very reckless things for months after he left me.

I hate that he pulled my focus from work, but hate it even more that I let him pull my focus from what is important. If I was still miserable with him, then I would not be happy with David. I would not be enjoying his attempts to send me old timey love letters from his typewriter, would not enjoy the trip that he planned for us as a thank-you for bar study time, would not actually know what it means when someone tells you you are their heart, and they actually mean it. Everything about my future with David is better than a future I would have had without him, but I let my lack of focus get the better of me. On the one hand, I could be sad that I am no longer part of a family that sees nothing wrong with day drinking, with parent’s who don’t love each other and put their only child in the middle of it, or I can have a life with a loving family who is very supportive of one another who I adore. Man….now that I actually look at it, it is a very tough choice to make. I have no idea how I will be able to do it. I just let myself be pulled away from that for a moment, although I’d like to think that I am a logical creature, I had a completely illogical moment.

I have to say, it was a long overdue conversation with the bestie (and the threat of a ghost with a plunger that still has me giggling) that reminded me that I would be an idiot to live in the past and not enjoy what I am building for the future. That might be just enough to help me refocus and figure out why someone would suggest stressful adventure activities as a way to cure high stress and anxiety in people….seriously, if anyone wants to help me write 2,000 words on this, I am open to suggestions.