Love

A Dancing Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

Everyone who knows me well knows that I hate to dance. I have no rhythm, I hate to look stupid in public, and I look like a flailing monkey when I make an attempt to dance. That being said, every now and then I forget that I hate dancing and allow myself a moment of foolishness in the privacy of my room. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I always seem to feel better.

Today I feel like crap. I’m tired, I had a rough pain day, and I think I am finally catching the flu that the freshers have been passing around. I skipped dinner, missed my little bit of social interaction with my friends, and have not been able to concentrate enough to write 500 measly words on an article that I not only understood, but feel like I can critique intelligently. The girls did stop by to see me, and that improved my mood a little, but I still feel icky, and despite it not being a very good idea, I thought maybe a little dance party would make it better. Now, there are many many many songs that I could have chosen for the occasion. My usual go-to song is the Glee version of P.Y.T. I like it, and it never fails to make me feel better. Another favorite is The Mighty Mighty BossTones cover of Simmer Down. It is my all-time favorite song, and I could listen to it on repeat all day long. I did not go for either of those songs though, instead I went for this little beauty:

Thinking about dancing makes me think of one of my favorite moments with David. It was a rare moment with just the two of us at home cooking a late dinner. We had been discussing Scotland, and for awhile, anytime the topic came up, I got sad and mopey. He found this song and played it off of his phone while we danced around his kitchen.

 

When this song ended he played my favorite love song and instead of dancing we just hugged each other and swayed to the music, me singing along to the words.

It is one of the most sappy things I have ever done (and I hate all things sappy and romantical, but it is one of the few times where I did not mind the dancing, or the sappiness. I don’t really like to admit that I did something like that because it ruins my street cred, but then I like to remind myself of all the freshers I have threatened to kick in the teeth and I know I haven’t quite lost my edge yet.

 

A Scamp Unpacked (For Now)

Posted on by erranteditor

I never realized how small the room I grew up in was until now. I suddenly have no room to move, no room to breath, and certainly no room to put all of the clothes and things that I have gathered in the last seven years of living on my own. The boxes are all stacked up in my parent’s garage and there is a layer of dust and I am sure many many spiders making residence in my boxes. Soon they will all be moved into storage (if I can get them all to fit) and I will have everything I own in a couple of suitcases and a few carry-ons. I think it is really starting to hit me that I can’t take call of this stuff with me and I will have to pick and choose what I take and what I leave behind. I’m starting to see the beauty of my roommates plan to sell all of her stuff. I have no idea where all of this stuff came from, and I have no idea what I am going to do with it if it doesn’t fit into storage.

All of the stress and the fact that the clock is quickly running out for my time in the US is leaving me with a lot of doubts. I’m starting to think that this was not the best idea I have ever had. Storing my stuff is going to be an issue, leaving my family will be an issue, and leaving David is going to suck. I’ve only been at home one day and I already miss him like crazy. I know that things will be different when I am in school and things are busy, but I am just dreading that separation. I wish that he hadn’t been so quick to turn down coming with me, and as much as I understand why he made that choice, I can’t help but think how much fun it would be if he wanted to come with me. He is constantly tempting me with the life that we will have together when I get home, and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if part of that is a dig at me because we could have that now.

I think that once I readjust to living at home, and can put some of the boxes and bags and other things away I will feel better, but in the meantime, I am very glad that my mother understands my need to be in my room by myself for long stretches of time, and that she is willing to give me that space to readjust. I am hoping that in the next few days I settle down and adjust to being home and start to process the next stage of my life.

A Scamp Exhuasted

Posted on by erranteditor

On average I take about ten pills a day. That is how many it takes to keep this scamp going. I take one pill to keep me going during the day, one pill to help me sleep at night, two pills to fight the pain, three pills to supplement my shitty diet, one to battle the depression that comes with being sick, and one to regulate my body with all of the other crazy things going on. Some days I feel like drug addict because of my complete reliance on these drugs to get me through the day. Many days I am so tired that I can barely remember what I did during the day, but overall, I feel lucky that my disease has not progressed very quickly and I am a lot better off than I could be.

The pills and the daily ins and outs of my disease are not the only things that have me exhausted. My upcoming move and the the California State Bar exam have also been pushing me to my limits. My boyfriend claims I have been very understanding and been great throughout the whole process, but the truth of the matter is I’ve been a pain in the ass. He has been great about having dinner with me or giving me an hour or two a day as well as the occasional sleepover, but I usually pout and make sad faces when  I have to leave. I know that he is trying to stay focused and I know that I am not being the most supportive girlfriend, but these 8 days can not go fast enough. He will finish the test in time for me to move out of San Diego. I’m so stressed about us not being able to see each other and what we will do when I move that I am almost too exhausted to enjoy the time we get to spend together. Hopefully when the test is over we can finally have a few seconds to have a normal relationship.

The boy keeps trying to remind me that this is all temporary and that everything he is doing now is so that he can get himself a good solid career that will take care of us and our munchkins for the next 60 years, so what is a couple of months of being tired and cranky when the rest of our lives will be great. I just hope that I am not too tired to enjoy it when it finally comes around.

A Home for the Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

Today I got my official letter of acceptance for accommodation on campus. This both frightens and relieves me. I’m relieved to know that I have a place to live, but I am stressing out about paying the high cost of renting a room. The Lee House, a subsection of Pollack Halls, is right next to the pool, near a park, and the building next to the dining commons. If nothing else I will be able to buy breakfast on my way to class every morning. I have no idea where the dorm is in relation to my classes, but I have a feeling it is not very close. I don’t think I will mind walking though. I could use the exercise. It will be more than I am getting now.

The fact that now I have an official home makes my journey a little more real. I am leaving in three months, and I have yet to finish some the important things, like secure funding, and fill out my visa. The visa is on hold so that I can go to Ireland for ten days, but the funding part still has me stressing. I have started the paperwork for a loan, and the staggering amount of $30,000 is looming over my head. I’m starting a college fund for the kids I don’t have yet so that I can send them to college. Hopefully by the time I have babies and they are ready to go to college I will be a college professor somewhere nice and they can go to that school for free. Tuition remission is such a good idea. Too bad that can’t work for me in Scotland.

On the brightside, somewhere between me worrying about money, and me fighting with the manager of the apartment I used to live in, the boy told me he loved me. Weeks ago I called him an idiot and told him I was in love with him when he questioned what I thought of him as a boyfriend, and after he got over the initial shock of what I said, he told me that he had been having those feelings for awhile, but wasn’t quite ready to verbalize them. He did start to talk about doing long distance, and what the next year would be like for the two of us, and I started to see a little bit of hope for the future. He looked shocked when he actually said the words out loud, and he told me he didn’t know how or when it happened, but he did. Every time he said it, he seemed to believe it a little more. It was very strange, but kinda awesome at the same time. I’m the first person he has ever said it to, and while that makes me a wee bit nervous, I am very competitive so I like the idea of being first. Now he tells me all the time, and I feel a little bit better about everything,

If only I could find the money fairy, and convince the boy to go with me, life would be so much easier.

Tramp Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

There is a running joke in my life that I am a stripper. It started years ago when I became a librarian. People used to joke that if that career didn’t work out, then I could always become a stripper. People love stripper librarians. The joke resurfaced years later when my 90 year old Jewish neighbor asked me if I was a stripper when she saw me come home from my morning job and after seeing me leave the night before for my night job. My mother always said that she would support any career choice that I made as long as I didn’t become a crack whore, and I have to say, now that I am trying to find the money to pay for school, stripping doesn’t seem like such a bad idea.

Of course, I am a 25 year old nerdy Jewish girl with no rhythm. Now, there might be a market for that in Scotland, but I highly doubt it. I also know that there is no way that I can find my inner dance goddess between now and then. In the meantime, it looks like I will be hinting down student loans. At this point, I have settled into the idea of a loan. A loan will be paid back. I found out the other day that I got accepted into Cal State Fullerton’s Ed.D program. If I can delay that for a year, then I can get back into teaching and work towards being able to pay the loan off. Of course, I may need another loan to finance that career choice, but at this point, what is a little more debt?

There is another reason I could never become a stripper (not that I would ever seriously would). I fell in love and I know he would not approve of that career choice. While he has no idea I am in love with him, and I have no idea what will happen in the next few months, I know that there is no way I would do something to compromise what I have with him. Being in love terrifies me. I have no idea how he feels about me. I know that he cares about me, and that he likes me, but I don’t know if he is on the love boat, and frankly, I am too scared to ask. We are a clusterfuck of bad ideas and yet, he is the positive magnet to my negative one. I would never ask him to move, he would never ask me to stay, but I can’t help but wonder if he will change his mind about not doing a distance relationship. He changed his mind about giving me a second chance, so really anything is possible, but I do not want to get my hopes up.

In the meantime, I am going to try to stop putting off my visa application and the other scholarship applications, and I am going to pretend that I am not running out of time to be around the people I care about.