Relationships

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 5

Posted on by erranteditor

Week 5 was an interesting week. It was busy, and I had a scary doctor’s appointment and a blown fuse to fix (see previous post). While there were parts of the week that sucked, I survived, and am one week closer to going back to California to welcome my nephew into the world, and be a bridesmaid for a very good friend. I’m looking forward to sunshine, warm weather and no tutoring center.

I’m especially looking forward to that last one.

But I digress. Week five is dedicated to the best part of my week. That is an easy one. The best part of my week was spending Sunday evening/night with the manpanion. We watched a really great Indonesian action film

After the movie we laid in bed and talked about books and movies we wanted to read and see, and we watched a lot of trailers on Youtube. Every time I was about to fall asleep, he’d reach for his phone and show me something else. We’d laugh, I’d make fun of him for his excitement, we’d settle in to sleep and he then he would think of something else to show me.

For me, there are a lot of reasons this was my favorite part of the week. I love any time I get to spend with him, but it was also a break from everything. We didn’t talk about my health, or my PhD, or the tutoring center, or my depression. We just hung out together and laughed. My depression and stress often effects my mood, and therefore my relationships, and unfortunately in the last few months, he has gotten a tiny bit of it. We also have very different styles of communication, which sometimes leaves me frustrated, but after a couple of really good chats, we’ve settled back into a happy medium. It was nice to have something in the week not go completely tits up. It also means that I get to start the new week on a positive, which will hopefully carry over to everything I have to get done this week.

If not, I will just pout until he agrees to a cuddle, or takes my not so subtle hint that I would like a puppy for my birthday.

I think I almost have him convinced that that last one is a good idea.

 

The Scamp and the Happiness Challenge Day 4 and 5

Posted on by erranteditor

I’d like to say that I continued with the happiness challenge, but in truth, I haven’t.

I’m about to get way more honest and way more personal than I probably should on such a public space, but in truth, writing helps me process, and I am better with the written word than I am with anything else, and this has always been about my journey, the good, the bad, and the heartbreaking.

The happiness challenge came about because I have been feeling increasingly depressed in the last few months. I’m distracted at work, neglecting school and research, and slowly spiraling into a really bad place. Yesterday it all finally came to a head. The boy ended his relationship with me. This probably should have happened months ago, but I desperately clung to it thinking that since we loved each other things would get better. I clung to the idea that I needed to be in a relationship, that I wasn’t overloaded with work, school and residual trust issues that come from jumping into relationship too soon.

I’m crushed. Not in the same way I was when David cheated on me, but in a way that makes it clear to me that I need to do a lot of work toward really healing. There is a profound sense of loss, a slight sense of failure, and the realization that I still have a lot to figure out about myself.

The one thing that I do know is that I am extremely loved. My sister sat with me until I could drive home yesterday, my mom put aside her grading to sit with me and let me cry about finding myself in this situation again, and my brother gave up his lunch time today to listen to me cry. He told me to “buck up little camper” and reminded me that sometimes shit just doesn’t work out. I made a comment on facebook about needing puppy and cat videos and my friends sent me texts, emails, and fb posts of puppy and kitten videos. No one asked what was wrong, and no one hesitated to try and make me feel better.  One person I did tell offer to come over and let me box out my aggression. One of the members of my cohort let me cry on her shoulder in the middle of a parking lot today and reminded me that I have the support system I need around me, and that I will be okay.

I know that I will be okay. I know that I didn’t date in high school, and very little in college, so dating and breaking up is normal, and I’m about ten years behind schedule from most people in this area.

My first instinct whenever something bad happens to me is to run away. I have to admit, my flight instinct is in overdrive. I would love nothing more than to run away from this and not deal with it.

Instead, I called the counseling service on campus, made a list of all the things I need to do for school and for work, and gave myself permission to cry if I need to. I’m allowing one more day of light work and homework, and then it is back to business and onto some serious and deep healing.

I am truly humbled by the love, puppy videos, concern, and unquestionable support that I get from those around me. I will never be able to say how grateful I am for that.

 

The Scamp Gets Overwhelmed

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve become THAT girl.

I’ve become that creepy girl that sits at the back of the room rocking and chewing on her hair.

Yesterday I imploded in the middle of class. One minute I was in class listening to book report presentations, and the next minute I was sobbing uncontrollably and hastily running out of my class before too many people noticed what was going on.

I cried for the next 40 minutes. I cried so hard I gave myself the hiccups. I cried on the phone with the boy, and while he was nice about it, it was not exactly what he should have been doing at 7 pm on a Tuesday. I was a mess. This has been building for months, and it sure chose the worst time to come through. I’m not exactly good with my feelings and emotions. I like to keep things bottled up and pretend that things don’t bother me when they do. For the last few months I have been trying to juggle three jobs, school, homework, a social life and the boy, and my juggling skills have finally run out.

There is a reason that the program told us at the beginning to not be in relationships, to take a sabbatical from work, and to kiss our social lives goodbye. This program sucks the life out of you. It will consume you. The reading, the studying, the writing, the prepping for the qualifying exam, and then for my dissertation….it never ends. I expected it. I knew that I would be busy, I knew that it would be hard, but to be in the middle of it now while trying to juggle other things. While the program was slowly sucking the life out of me, I let myself fall into old habits. The sucky thing is, when I get into these bouts of depression, I tend to ruin relationships. I can already feel myself doing that. Without insurance though, I cannot afford to see a doc, and some of the affordable options have not been a good fit (I guess that is a good enough reason to sign up for insurance).

The problem is, I’m selfish. I may want to quit the program at this very moment, but I am not going to. I may want to quit one or two of my jobs, but I am not going to. The library pays my bills for the moment, I love working with the junior high kids, and the professor I work for is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is also giving me the opportunity to publish, learn, and immerse myself in research. I should not go to SD and see the boy, or hang out with people for happy hour, but I am not going to give those up. I love my friends and family, and I love the boy the best way I know how, and I don’t want to let any of that go.

The problem is, instead of doing everything that I learned to do while I was in therapy in Scotland, I reverted. I don’t know how to keep that from happening. I don’t know how to reconcile what I know I need to do with what I am doing.

Luckily I have some amazing friends and family to help see me through. My BFF has been giving me just the kick in the pants I need (and enough daily reminders that I am not in fact a broken toy) to keep me from crawling too deep into the hole. I’m also getting to the gym and getting some weekly yoga classes that are helping me work off some of the tension, and I am really hoping that I can make a lasting change, rather than just a change I thought was lasting.

I hate admitting that I failed….well not failed, but suffered  a setback. I like to think of myself as strong and perfect, completely capable of taking care of myself, but I am slowly learning in my old age that that might not be the case.

….and that is completely okay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LhGRjWvnkD0

The Scamp and a Present

Posted on by erranteditor

I like giving presents.

Well, that’s not true. I like giving meaningful presents. I love finding the perfect gift for someone and seeing their face when they open it.

Then there was this boy. I found two presents I thought he would like, and after I bought them, he told me that he is hard to buy presents for, and I shouldn’t get my hopes up. He had me worried. I talked to my mom, my sister, and my best friend about to make sure what I got him wasn’t stupid or cheesy. It is not like me to second guess my choices, but when he told em he wouldn’t like it, I was really thought there was a chance that he wouldn’t.

These are the presents:

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This one is pretty self explanatory. He is a scientist, and he has worked his way into my heart, so I thought this would be a fitting piece of art for the wall in his room.

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This picture is different. It made me laugh. We have exactly one picture together:

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and while it is a great picture (I mean, come on, look at the windows in his living room!), the picture of the two skeletons speak to us as a couple. I am always threatening to punch him in the face, and he is always trying to get in my pants. The picture makes me giggle, and I was hoping that every time he looked at it, he would giggle too.

Score one for me though. He loved the pictures. I got a real smile, a very nice kiss, and a “well done” (which is the same thing he said to me when I told him about the A on my dissertation. It is not so much the words, but the tone of voice…..like the guy in Babe, when he says, “That’ll do pig.” and Babe knows he succeeded).

This just reaffirms my love for giving meaningful gifts, and it gives me some hope that even after heartstompapoloza, I can be a part of a functional human relationship.

 

Should anyone be interested in the artwork, the lovely artist can be found here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/frenchprints?ref=l2-shopheader-name. There are almost 700 prints to choose from, all of them beautiful.

 

A Scamp and Focus

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve seemed to have lost my focus. I have been staring at an article for the last hour and a half, and it took me almost an hour to motivate myself to get off Facebook and actually read it. That seems to be a common problem lately, my lack of focus. I know that part of it is the rain and my desire to just curl up in bed with a good book, and that I have been feeling a bit homesick since my mom bought me a ticket home for the Christmas holiday. While that should be motivating me to get my work done so I can spend all of my time at home enjoying myself, I am finding it hard to sit down and focus on what I am reading. I find myself reading two or three paragraphs and then Facebook stalking people I know.

The Facebook stalking is pulling my focus from other important matters. Facebook recently alerted me to a birthday of a guy that I knew in college. I knew him through my ex-boyfriend and the guys that he lived with. I was going to ignore it, but I clicked on his page anyway, and after leaving a quick “happy birthday, hope life is treating you well message” I fell into the trap of browsing his pictures and comments, and of course, they were all from the ex-boyfriend that I have not thought about in years. He broke my heart. Stomped all over it with a text message break-up and a fear of my illness. I fell into the second trap of clicking on his page. Of course the picture that came up is him with a girl, and all I could think about was him saying that he needed to be single because he had to focus on his tier four law career. I couldn’t help but think that it was me. I wasn’t good enough. He used to tell me that I was the love of his life. I didn’t know that what he was really saying was that I was the love of his life from ages 1 to 22. I am pretty sure I cried for weeks, and then did some very reckless things for months after he left me.

I hate that he pulled my focus from work, but hate it even more that I let him pull my focus from what is important. If I was still miserable with him, then I would not be happy with David. I would not be enjoying his attempts to send me old timey love letters from his typewriter, would not enjoy the trip that he planned for us as a thank-you for bar study time, would not actually know what it means when someone tells you you are their heart, and they actually mean it. Everything about my future with David is better than a future I would have had without him, but I let my lack of focus get the better of me. On the one hand, I could be sad that I am no longer part of a family that sees nothing wrong with day drinking, with parent’s who don’t love each other and put their only child in the middle of it, or I can have a life with a loving family who is very supportive of one another who I adore. Man….now that I actually look at it, it is a very tough choice to make. I have no idea how I will be able to do it. I just let myself be pulled away from that for a moment, although I’d like to think that I am a logical creature, I had a completely illogical moment.

I have to say, it was a long overdue conversation with the bestie (and the threat of a ghost with a plunger that still has me giggling) that reminded me that I would be an idiot to live in the past and not enjoy what I am  building for the future. That might be just enough to help me refocus and figure out why someone would suggest stressful adventure activities as a way to cure high stress and anxiety in people….seriously, if anyone wants to help me write 2,000 words on this, I am open to suggestions.

A Dancing Scamp

Posted on by erranteditor

Everyone who knows me well knows that I hate to dance. I have no rhythm, I hate to look stupid in public, and I look like a flailing monkey when I make an attempt to dance. That being said, every now and then I forget that I hate dancing and allow myself a moment of foolishness in the privacy of my room. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, I always seem to feel better.

Today I feel like crap. I’m tired, I had a rough pain day, and I think I am finally catching the flu that the freshers have been passing around. I skipped dinner, missed my little bit of social interaction with my friends, and have not been able to concentrate enough to write 500 measly words on an article that I not only understood, but feel like I can critique intelligently. The girls did stop by to see me, and that improved my mood a little, but I still feel icky, and despite it not being a very good idea, I thought maybe a little dance party would make it better. Now, there are many many many songs that I could have chosen for the occasion. My usual go-to song is the Glee version of P.Y.T. I like it, and it never fails to make me feel better. Another favorite is The Mighty Mighty BossTones cover of Simmer Down. It is my all-time favorite song, and I could listen to it on repeat all day long. I did not go for either of those songs though, instead I went for this little beauty:

Thinking about dancing makes me think of one of my favorite moments with David. It was a rare moment with just the two of us at home cooking a late dinner. We had been discussing Scotland, and for awhile, anytime the topic came up, I got sad and mopey. He found this song and played it off of his phone while we danced around his kitchen.

 

When this song ended he played my favorite love song and instead of dancing we just hugged each other and swayed to the music, me singing along to the words.

It is one of the most sappy things I have ever done (and I hate all things sappy and romantical, but it is one of the few times where I did not mind the dancing, or the sappiness. I don’t really like to admit that I did something like that because it ruins my street cred, but then I like to remind myself of all the freshers I have threatened to kick in the teeth and I know I haven’t quite lost my edge yet.

 

A Scamp on a Hike

Posted on by erranteditor

or, A Scamp in the Rain

Today seemed like a good day for a hike. I wore a dress for the first time, was able to find a place to study in the library, and even found a job that I am qualified for and would make me enough money to live off of while I am here. All that good karma had me feeling good about myself, so when the girls asked if I wanted to go for a hike up Arthur’s Seat, I jumped  at the chance. The view from the top is supposedly amazing, and I thought it would be a great way to spend my last day before classes start.

The walk from the dorm to the base of the mountain is about three minutes, and it was windy, but only slightly overcast. The hike up the mountain is rocky steps and steep turns. It is medium to hard in some places, and if you are not ready for it, it can be quite difficult. About halfway through the hike it started to rain. Not just a light sprinkle, but a full rain. A proper Scottish rain. I got wet real quick, and suddenly my sweatshirt, leggings and trainers were not enough to keep me warm. The wind was blowing the rain sideways, so there was not much I could do to keep myself from getting drenched. Despite the wet and the cold, I enjoyed the climb. A year ago I would not have been able to make the trek. I didn’t weigh enough to support myself through the climb, and thanks to the Lupus, I probably would have died about a third of the way up. I am proud to say that had the weather not crapped out, I would have made it to the top of the mountain.

On my way up the mountain I was able to do a lot of thinking. I thought about the last hike I had been on. It was sometime in April. I was with a guy that I attempted to date the previous summer. He can be an asshole, and he tended to treat me like crap more often than not, but he was one of the easiest people to talk to, and he was also great for a deep and meaningful conversation. I thought a lot about that hike because their were two things that were very very wrong with it: 1. I was trying my damnedest to get back together with David. He wasn’t having it, but I had no business hanging out with a guy who only really wanted in my pants when I was fighting tooth and nail for a second chance with a boy who didn’t want a whole lot to do with me. I was using the boy to make myself feel better because I was not making any strides with David, and that wasn’t fair to anyone involved. 2. Dude knew how to get under my skin. He told me on this hike that my feelings of irrelevancy that I was starting to feel as my moved to Scotland became more real were completely justified. He told me that the world was going to go on without me, and that I made it almost impossible for being to want to love and connect to me so I would be gone and forgotten in no time.

Now, before you all start feeling sorry for me and thinking that I let his words have any effect on me, don’t worry, they didn’t. Everyone who I really care about has reached out to me at some point or another, and a few people that I know through school, but not quite on a personal level have reached out to me and offered me tips, hints, and a friendly ear with my woes of living abroad. I talk to my best friends everyday, and everyone keeps sending me fun cards and care packages. Granted, I have only been gone for about two weeks, but I feel loved and that is all I care about.

Tomorrow is my first day of school. It is strange to think these days were behind me, but I am excited to wear my new dress and awesome shoes and take on the world of academia yet again.

A Scamp and Balance

Posted on by erranteditor

I can’t believe that I have only been here for a week. I feel like I have been here for a lot longer than that. Some of it is because of the horrid schedule of the week, and some of it is due to the fact that I just love the city. I can walk everywhere, my sense of direction has never been so good, and I have made a lot of friends here (I know, everyone is shocked by that last statement, but I decided that when I got here I would do the opposite of what I normally do, and it has been working). I love the fact that I am not spending every night alone in my dorm room, but I am having a hard time staying connected to everyone at home. I’ve seen my mother’s face once, talked to Kelly briefly, and have yet to see my partners in crime. I get regular chats with David, but even then, I feel like I am keeping him from his work. The time difference is still a tricky thing. I’ve made a few appointments to chat with Kelly, but then failed to do it because I went out with my friends here. I wanted to talk to Kelly, but I had a lot of fun going out and about. I know that once my coursework starts I will not be out and about as much and will be able to make a better schedule, but for the next few days, I will feel a bit torn between here and home.

Another balance I am trying to make is the balance between friendly and too friendly. For some reason in this country I am a novelty. I’m assuming it is the tattoos and snark presented in a the librarian esque package. I’ve learned that the Irish love me because I like boxing, the Canadians love me because of the cultural similarities, and the Scottish love me because I say dude. I have to admit that I love the attention. San Diego was rough on me, and it is nice to feel like I am being appreciated for my better qualities. My problem is, I don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea. I love David, shoot, I am going to marry that boy whether he wants to or not. While I enjoy the boys that I have met here, there is nothing short of Kelly Slater offering to be my love slave that will even tempt me away from David. I find a way to mention him in every conversation I have (which I am sure people are getting tired of) but I have a feeling that most of these boys wouldn’t mind being invited to my room (yeah, like that is going to happen). I usually do better being friends with guys, but I do not want to do anything that will make these boys think they have a snowball’s chance, and I certainly do not want to make David uncomfortable.

My last struggle with balance is balancing the adventure that I want to have for me, and the adventure that I should have as part of a dynamic duo. This is my mother’s biggest fear. When David and I got back together, she was worried about what that would do to the way I lived here. She was worried that I wouldn’t enjoy myself, or that I would somehow short change myself because I just wanted to be with David. She loves David, but she was worried before she spent a lot of time with him what he would do to my adventure. For his part, David feels the same way as my mother. I had to work very hard (and shed a lot of tears) to convince him that I was in no way going to change my plans just because I was madly in love with him (I’m pretty sure I called him an idiot at one point). I mean that. There was no way that I was going to give up this chance, short of some serious complications with the Lupus….even then I would have hobbled my tired ass over here. I am at the point though where I have to decide if I am going to stay for another couple of years, or come home at the end of this program. If I can get funded, I am staying. No question about it. I’d love to stay even if I can’t get funded, but I do not want to go into anymore debt. I also miss being with David everyday, texting Kelly whenever I want and generally not being depressed when I look at Facebook. Although my original plan was to move here and never come home, I am thinking that maybe living here for three (maybe four) years total will give me the adventure that I need before I go home and settle into a life of big girl jobs and financial responsibility.

A Scamp and Stress

Posted on by erranteditor

When I get stressed I turn into a monster. I try not too, but it always seems to happen. I start to get crabby and cranky, and I pick fights and generally become a pain in the ass.

Right now, I am being a pain in the ass. I have things I need to do, people I want to see, conversations that need to be had, and I have neither the time or the energy to do any of these things. With less than a month before I leave, I still do not have my passport back, I still haven’t purchased a plane ticket, and I still have no idea how I am going to get everything I want/need with me to Scotland. I should be spending my time figuring all these details out, but instead, I am sitting on my couch watching TV, or hiding in my room watching TV on my computer and picking fights with my boyfriend because he refuses to acknowledge that I am leaving soon. I need a telaportation device, the visa fairy, and the money fairy to come through for me so I can continue to be lazy and not feel bad about it.

Until then, I will clicked through old TV episodes and lay in the sun and try to get a little bit of a tan. I hear vitamin D is good for stress.

A Scamp Unpacked (For Now)

Posted on by erranteditor

I never realized how small the room I grew up in was until now. I suddenly have no room to move, no room to breath, and certainly no room to put all of the clothes and things that I have gathered in the last seven years of living on my own. The boxes are all stacked up in my parent’s garage and there is a layer of dust and I am sure many many spiders making residence in my boxes. Soon they will all be moved into storage (if I can get them all to fit) and I will have everything I own in a couple of suitcases and a few carry-ons. I think it is really starting to hit me that I can’t take call of this stuff with me and I will have to pick and choose what I take and what I leave behind. I’m starting to see the beauty of my roommates plan to sell all of her stuff. I have no idea where all of this stuff came from, and I have no idea what I am going to do with it if it doesn’t fit into storage.

All of the stress and the fact that the clock is quickly running out for my time in the US is leaving me with a lot of doubts. I’m starting to think that this was not the best idea I have ever had. Storing my stuff is going to be an issue, leaving my family will be an issue, and leaving David is going to suck. I’ve only been at home one day and I already miss him like crazy. I know that things will be different when I am in school and things are busy, but I am just dreading that separation. I wish that he hadn’t been so quick to turn down coming with me, and as much as I understand why he made that choice, I can’t help but think how much fun it would be if he wanted to come with me. He is constantly tempting me with the life that we will have together when I get home, and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if part of that is a dig at me because we could have that now.

I think that once I readjust to living at home, and can put some of the boxes and bags and other things away I will feel better, but in the meantime, I am very glad that my mother understands my need to be in my room by myself for long stretches of time, and that she is willing to give me that space to readjust. I am hoping that in the next few days I settle down and adjust to being home and start to process the next stage of my life.