Writing Challenge

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 45

Posted on by erranteditor

I’ve just eaten an entire large chocolate bar that is making me sorta want to barf, and I am about to say something that I never ever ever ever thought I would say:

I’m ashamed to be American right now. As a general rule, I try not to talk about politics on social media, but in this case, I have to say something. Look, Donald Trump is not my idea of a president. Hilary Clinton wasn’t either. But, democracy has made it so Mr. Trump is now the president, and as much as I may not like it, it isn’t going to change. My shame is not about that. My shame comes from the way people have been acting for the past few days. I’ve been staying off social media for the most part because all I see are hateful people spewing hateful rhetoric. My liberal friends are now assuming that anyone who did not vote for Mrs. Clinton is of the mindset of Trump, that white people can’t be sympathetic or afraid of the possible changes in the country, and chants of ‘not my president’ when four and even eight years ago if someone would have said that then they were racist. My conservative friends are getting resentful of having to defend their choice, of trying to get people to see beyond who they cast a vote for. They are starting to be hateful about people being upset over the results, and being afraid for the future. I am sick to my stomach over the stories, from my friends and in the media, about racial slurs, religious insults, and homophobia running rampant. No one should have to give a fake name at Starbucks because they are afraid of what people would do if they know they are from the Middle East. I’m equally as disgusted with the rioting, looting, and violent protest. Do you really think that is going to help your cause? Destroying your city, making people look at you like you are an idiot instead of a person who is worried about the future of the country and the people in and want to make sure their voices are heard?

The worst is universities cancelling exams, offering pizza and other forms of comfort rather than giving students a space to grieve, and then making sure that they educate them on the  election process and the system, and remind them of the ways they can be helpful and productive in this time of crazy uncertainty. This is what happens when you give everyone a participation trophy. They don’t learn about hard work, fighting for what they believe in, or how to be gracious winners or losers. Right now America looks ignorant, spiteful, mean, and to be honest, is getting exactly what they deserve.

But it still leaves me sick. I’m an expat. I do not plan to move back to the States, but I have never been ashamed of where I came from until now. I’m hoping that people settle down and focus on the things that matter, and that maybe Mr. Trump will not be as bad as people seem to think given that he hasn’t done anything yet. I’m hoping that people remember that showing love to others, volunteering time, and maybe money to programmes like Planned Parenthood and other federally funded programmes of that nature is what is going to help get through this.

On to something better….the writing challenge for the week. This week is dedicated to the job I would have if money was no object. I can talk about this all day. I would love to be a travel writer. My dream is to spend my life living in different places for three or four months at a time and writing about what life is like there. I would also like to be able to start my nonprofit literacy foundation and help people learn to read. I always saw it as an organization that helped people learn to read and write in their native language, and then learn to read, write, and speak English (or another language that would allow them to interact with people around them). I would love to work with different cultures and different people helping them enjoy books as much as I do. I also want to bring the Reading with Rover to more libraries. Everyone should get to read to a puppy. My wanderlust is always there, and so is my love for books and learning, so being able to do all of those things at once, and maybe even make some lives better in the process sounds all right by me.

So, who is going to judge me if I find a sugar daddy to help fund some of these projects? Anyone? No. Good.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 44

Posted on by erranteditor

Last night I broke my bed….like the leg of the bed snapped off. For those who don’t know me other than through my writing, I am not a big girl. I’m 5’3 and 126 lbs. But, sat down on my bed, and broke it. If I wasn’t aware of what I looked like, I would seriously think I was fat. Even worse, there isn’t a cool story behind it. I’ve decided though that if anyone asks, I am going to tell them it was a wild night with the boy. He’s 6’5 220 lbs, so it is less of a stretch to imagine that. The thing that has me in a huff though is that when I called the landlord she told me she didn’t care about the bed, but she wasn’t in a position to replace it. She acted like she had no idea what I wanted her to do about it. She finally agreed with much suffering that she would try and replace it by the weekend, but that I shouldn’t expect anything fancy.

Like I am a super high maintenance person who needs a massive four poster bed that costs hundreds of pounds….seriously. I told her I neither expected, nor needed anything fancy. I just need a bed frame that keeps the mattress off the floor and is high enough for me to keep my shoes and giant suitcase under. (Edit, she got me a bed, and apologised for coming off as huffy. She lost her job and hasn’t been working steadily and was a bit freaked about money….which now makes me feel bad for being miffed at her because they really are good landlords and I love my flat).

So, now that I feel like a jerk, it is time to get to the writing challenge this week: where do I see myself in five years?

I’m not going to lie, this question freaks me out a little. One of my biggest fears is that I will wake up in ten years and be doing the same thing every day like a robot. I’m worried that I will wake up and nothing has changed and I won’t have noticed that all that time has passed. I do not like the idea of being stagnate, can’t stand the idea of some sort of boring routine. It was recently pointed out to me though that that is exactly what I am doing with my depression and the cycle of negativity that I sometimes find myself in. I did not have a reply for that.

So, here is my best shot for where I see myself in five years: I hope that since I will be post PhD (oh good lord, I hope so anyway) that I am working for a university designing curriculum, and fingers crossed, in the classroom teaching. I’ll be well into my 30s, which means I will be in the prime of my life. I hope that I am making enough money to pay all of my bills on my own without the help of my mother. I’d like to have a puppy. and a kitty. and a bunny. and a goat. and a penguin. I would love it if I was still living in Scotland, but if I wouldn’t be opposed to living in Australia or New Zealand. I don’t see myself living in the US again, unless there is a serious emergency that takes me back…or the wombmate has triplets. I see myself spending as much time as I can with my muffin over Skype and with visits to California. I hope to have a nice little social circle of people that makes me laugh. I see a lot more stamps in my passport. There are so many places to visit, so many beaches to lay on, so many tattoos to get. I don’t see myself giving up traveling, but hopefully in the next five years I can cross a lot of places off my list. I see myself having a lot better handle on my depression (I hope).

The one thing I know for sure is that my MSc will be paid for. I have about a year left to pay on that, and man oh man am I getting excited about seeing that balance drop every month. I’ll be starting to make payments for CSUF, but I’m trying not to think about that right now.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 42

Posted on by erranteditor

October is over next week. Really? I have no idea where this month went, and I am not sure that I got everything done that needed to be done. All of the commuting has pulled me off track, and the cold weather just makes me want to stay in bed and watch old movies all day….or drag queens. I love me the drag queens.

The writing challenge for this week is to write about the last time I broke the rules. I’ve been trying to think about this for the last few days, and I really can’t think of any rules I have broken. I’m too afraid to break rules here because I don’t want to get deported and have to go back to California. I did get pepper spray into the country, and had a mini moment of panic at the airport over a year ago when I thought TSA would find it and I’d be arrested. I had another moment of panic on my first date with the boy when I mentioned it to him and he told me he would have to arrest me because it was illegal. I really only dated him so that I could bribe him with my wares and stay out of jail (at first I was kidding, but now I am not so sure that that isn’t the reason).

Lately though, I toe the line a lot better. There is only one rule that I can think of that I really broke, and that rule comes from my therapy sessions. I overshare here way too much, but this one I am going to have to keep to myself. Partly because I am ashamed that it has to be a rule for my life, and partly because it is one that I was quick to break in a moment of weakness. It is really easy for people to tell me to be strong, and that I can just choose to be happy, but what I don’t think people understand is that part of my illness keeps me comfortable in my self destructive behaviours. I like being here. I’m comfortable here. I know what to do and what happens here.

I’m not proud of the slip, but tomorrow is another day, next week is a new week, and next month is a new month, all chances for me to keep moving forward and stop breaking rules that don’t need to be broken.

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 42

Posted on by erranteditor

Ten weeks left in the year 2016. I for one can’t say that I will be sad to see it go.

I spent a majority of this week on the bus commuting between the campuses to see the students I tutor, so I am a little grumpy about the lack of my own work that got done, a little tired from all the time on the bus, and now that the weather is getting colder, I am finding it hard to get out of the house without a few layers.

But, I’m trying to stay positive, and trying to see the good in things, so I will not get bogged down in some of those things. The challenge for this week is to describe my day in five words. Because Sunday is the day I don’t get out of bed until I absolutely have to, and then clean my flat from top to bottom, I will write about my Friday….I meant to write this on Friday anyway.

Frustrating. I was supposed to have a meeting Friday morning, and after waiting for a week and a half for confirmation on the meeting time, I heard nothing until the moment we were supposed to meet. The email asked if we were still meeting, and said sorry if you were waiting for me to confirm…..thanks. I also got several emails from the office about my impending move into the storage closet. I’ve spent the whole week off campus, so I packed everything on Monday since I knew I wouldn’t be in. I then got an email about the fact that I still needed to pack my desk. Really it meant I had to travel an hour one way on a Saturday to create a cardboard box for my computer. It took me longer to walk up the stairs to my office than it did to do anything else. I’ve still never been told I was moving. I just got the paper that you have to fill out when you move. It really does not make me want to go into the office at all. I already know that I am not a part of the office, but the lack of communication and respect is starting to make me feel bad about myself.

Confusing. I blame the boy. He fucks with me on so many levels that running into him on my way to therapy left me confused about how I feel about him. I’ve been struggling to get out of the relationship, and making good strides to not keep getting sucked into his emotionless selfish life, but when he kissed me hello and waited for the bus with me and mentioned going on a date to the Royal Botanics like we did last year, I saw that little glimmer of hope that he could be the boyfriend I wanted, even though I know that is not true.

Emotional. I see my therapist every Friday, and the sessions always leave me feeling emotionally wiped out. I also blame the boy for this.

Unexpected. While waiting for the bus, I ran into a friend of mine who was also on his way home. We were able to ride the bus home together and trade tales of our PhD life. I don’t mind riding the bus home by myself, but it was nice to run into a friendly face. It makes me feel like I really live in the city now.

Social. I know, me, social. Crazy. One of the most lovely humans I know was celebrating her birthday. She organized a group to meet at the Royal Botanic Gardens to see the annual light show followed by drinks and dancing. I love spending time with the special special unicorn, so a chance to celebrate her birth seemed like a great idea to me. I was not disappointed. I worried a little because I am not good in social situations when I don’t know anyone, but all of the people I met on Friday night were wonderful creatures. I had a lovely chat with a police officer who let me try and convince people he was a small animal masseuse, met sweet couples, and found a partner in sarcasm. There was no awkward moments, no feelings of being an outsider, and only a little teasing when I refused to go dancing at the end of the night. It was absolutely wonderful.

I was able to end the day on a good note, able to forget about the struggles from the missed meetings, the encounter with the boy, the emotional hour in therapy.  It reminded me that I am not completely hopeless at making friends and enjoying an evening around other people, and that there is hope for me to get a handle on my depression and go back to being my lovely little flamingo in a flock of pigeons.

The Scamp at 400

Posted on by erranteditor

It has been exactly one year and four months since 300. I’m quite impressed with myself that I have made it this far in the process. I’m not very good at sticking to projects, but I have stuck to this one for the last 5 years. I do the weekly challenges to keep me writing, but truth be told, this blog has been a good form of therapy for me.

I’ve been sitting on this post for a few days because my 300th post was so full of hope and so upbeat. I wrote that post on my last day in the US. I was ready for my fresh start, ready for my life in Scotland to help me forget about the horrible two years I had in California. I was under the delusion that leaving my problems in California meant that I would be free of them.

Boy was I wrong. If I have learned anything in the last year and some change, it is that you can’t run from your problems if you really want them to be resolved. I avoided therapy for awhile, and my depression got the better of me. I’m working on getting better, but it is a slow road for sure.

So while I have been sitting here at a loss for what to write about for the big 400, I started thinking about loss. It seems like loss has been on my mind a lot lately. When I read my 300th post again, I was sad to realize that I had lost the exuberance and go-get-em attitude that I had about starting my life here. I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about how I feel, and giving into my depression. It has wrecked my productivity, my ability to socialize, and even kept me in a relationship that should have ended awhile ago.

I’ve lost that naivete that being in my favourite city means that all my problems would disappear. I realize know that while I may have worked through some of my issues, there is a lot I still need to work though, and just like the meds I take to keep me going, I can’t stop going to therapy when I feel better.

I feel like I have lost a lot of time.

That wasn’t the only loss I have been thinking about though. We are fast approaching the one year anniversary of my step-brother’s death. While his death was actually a release from his alcoholism, and something that the family had been expecting for a few years, it was still a shift in the family dynamics. My dad is the only person who was still in contact with him, I gave up on him five or six years ago, and it broke him. I think my mom still feels some guilt that she was in Edinburgh with me when it happened, but because my dad doesn’t talk about it much, it is hard to really say how he is doing. When I think about Eric, there is not one memory I have of him that did not involve him being drunk or strung out on drugs. I remember him ruining toasts at a wedding with his drunken shouting, being carried out of another wedding because he kept falling and knocking things over. I was always embarrassed by him. Always. I chose not to mourn his loss, even though it destroyed my dad.

family 1

This is the last picture that we have all together, and we are still missing our oldest brother. Eric is behind me on the right. This photo was taken seven years ago. He was drunk. This year my mom and I will be taking my dad to Paris so that he doesn’t have to spend Thanksgiving alone thinking about the death of his middle born son.

I can only hope that it works.

When I think about not mourning the loss of my brother, I think about a loss that I mourn everyday. 20 years ago my grandma died in a car crash. I can’t remember the sound of her voice, but I can remember that I had gone out to get the mail and by the time I got back my mother had heard the message from my grandpa that she was gone.

2014-07-16 15.56.58-12014-01-16 15.38.12

She was fashion plate. She loved everything in excess. She was a drug addict, compulsive gambler, and constantly obsessed over her weight, but to me she was just Grammy Fran. She was the one who took us to Hamburger Hamlet and had zebra print carpet in her TV room. She was the one who shared her love of Hummingbirds with us, and made sure that my mom could keep  roof over our heads when my biological father abused her and took everything but the $25 dollars she had in her wallet, and my brother, the wombmate and me. I have some of her purses and jewelry, and I cannot smell Red Door without thinking about her, but there is just so much I wish she had been around for. She would have loved coming to visit me here, would have had some very creative suggestions for how to handle the dude who cheated on me and broke my heart, and probably would have tried to set me up with the son of one of the women in her Mahjong club. Chances are he would have been a nice Jewish boy, most likely a doctor,and probably close to retirement age.

I still remember when she tried to set my mom up with a really creepy old guy that lived in the same conodo complex in Palm Springs….my poor mother. She was maybe 37 and this dude was 60 with a beer gut and hair in his ears. I’m sure she meant well though.

There is another loss that I feel quite hard all the time. That is the loss of my family. I am not around them all the time, I miss out on dinners, holidays, and moments with my little man.

14642125_10211123365340277_3660393190022638059_n

I mean, I was pretty dumb for moving 5,400 miles from this face. When I was in California for the wedding at the end of September, I did not even notice my depression. Granted, I had something planned everyday, did not get as much work done as I wanted, and was on major holiday mode, but it was nice to be around everyone again. I still have lingering feelings that I will become irrelevant in their lives, and end up here alone a crazy cat lady….minus the cats.

I think what I can learn from the last year and change is that I still have a lot of work to do, and I still have time to make some real changes before I turn 30. In just five short months I get to close the door on my 20s, and I cannot wait to be able to say that I survived a very trying ten years of my life. Who knows where I will be when I get to number 500.

Hopefully I’ll be on a tropical island with a fruity drink that has an umbrella with a hot cabana boy fanning me with a giant fan.

Hey, a girl can dream, right?

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 41

Posted on by erranteditor

I have countless posts detailing the numerous reasons why I love living in Edinburgh. I fell in love with the city four years ago, and returned to it like a beacon in the night when I hit rock bottom. Now, as I sit on my moderately comfy couch in my nice and tidy little flat watching the rain fall and the leaves change colours as Autumn blooms, I remain happy with my choice to return.

There is a lot to love about this city, but here are a few of the highlights;

    1. The people. This is a highly international city, and for the most part, people are really friendly. I’ve never felt unsafe living here, and have had some really nice conversations on bus rides to and from work. People here are polite, they let old people on the bus first, will stand to give them a seat, they don’t hesitate to give directions to lost tourists (something I still don’t like to do). If you go into a shop, a cafe, or even the grocery store, people will smile, ask how your day is, and are quick to offer help should you need it. I know that a lot of it is hospitality training, but since I live far enough outside the toursity part of the city, I feel that it is genuine.

     

    1. The culture. This city is dripping in culture. Between the museums and monuments, the castle and old buildings, you can see history everywhere you look here. Even the building I live in has a history. It used to be a warehouse hosing goods that did not pass customs inspections. Now there are warehouse conversions from 1 bedroom cozy flats to three bedroom really spacious top floor flats. I am constantly learning new things and finding new places to visit. I’ve been to the castle many times now, and spent many a rainy afternoon in the art galleries and museums, and have never been disappointed.

     

    1. The pace of living. Things are a lot simpler here. People move slower, relax more. I walk most places, and can take the bus most everywhere else. While the commuting sometimes gets to me, the fact that people here enjoy walks in the park or a cup of tea in the middle of the afternoon makes me feel more relaxed. I’m usually burning the candle at any end that can burn, but there is something nice about living in a place where just about everything is closed on a Sunday.

     

     

    1. I feel like me here. I’m not really sure what it is about this city, but it is the first place in eleven years that has really felt like home. I feel like I fit here. It is not something I can totally put into words though. It is just a settled feeling I have when I step off the plane in Edinburgh. I’ve had this feeling since my very first visit just before my 25th Even on my lowest days (and there have been a lot of them lately) I am still happy that I am here trying to sort myself out. I hope that when my visa is up and I can stay here and really make this place my home.

The Scamp Crosses One Off the List

Posted on by erranteditor

Technically I get to cross two things off the list. The first is number 17: Create something original. I have been working on a draft of a paper on programme focused approaches to feedback, and it is finally approaching that point where it is ready to be sent out for publication. I guess I can’t really cross it off the list yet since it hasn’t been published, but it makes me feel good that it is almost there. I’ve been working on the paper for almost a year. I’m ready for it to be done.

The other activity that I can cross off the list is seeing one of my favourite bands in concert. While I am still holding out hope to see the Mighty Mighty BossTones or the Fratellis, I was able to go to Glasgow this week and see Less Than Jake! I haven’t seen them live since I was 17 years old. I remember that I was with two of my friends, Lori and Mallory, and we drove to the House of Blues at Downtown Disney. I don’t remember any of the opening bands, but I remember it was raining really hard and after the show we drove through Del Taco and got snacks. This time around I took the train and some buses to get a little ska nostalgia in my life. We had tickets to be on the balcony so that I would not get overwhelmed by all the people, and from 6pm to 11pm Errol and I enjoyed the strange tendency of Scottish people to stand still at concerts, and three interesting bands before being rewarded with Less Than Jake.

The first band was awful. They didn’t know if they wanted to be a metal band or a pop punk band. I have no idea what they are called. The assault on my ears was bad enough.

The second band is called The Bennies. They describe themselves as ‘Australia’s #1 party band playing Psychedelic Reggae Ska Doom Metal Punk Rock from hell!’ Errol described them as:

Ok. So, The Bennies – Australian herb loving hair band that’s basically Andrew WK meets Saves the Day. I’m pretty in.

I’m not really into smoking weed, but they sure are, and they were the happiest band I’ve seen live that wasn’t geared for kids. They completely love what they are doing, and they are having a really good time doing it. It doesn’t hurt that they are from Melbourne. The lead singer was wearing these really crazy red yoga pants and a hat covered in pot leaves.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hgpiGUcjZg
The next band hails from my original neck of the woods. They are called Marachi El Bronx. I really enjoyed them. They are a hardcore punk band from LA, that has a side project where they do their hits set to marachi music. I felt like I was a Sonora High School dance while they played. I wasn’t mad about it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YpnSbHtHDg
The last band that played before LTJ was the worst. They are a London based reggae band. They are all fake instruments and show. The lead singer is white and from London. He speaks like he was born in Jamaica, and wants to be black. He rubbed me the wrong way.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NgOTFQHh8s
When Less Than Jake finally came on, Errol and I were ready to party. I really haven’t listened to them past their album Hello Rockview, but that did not stop my enjoyment of the show at all. Errol went down to the pit, while I enjoyed the show from the balcony. I sang along, danced like an idiot (afterall, I have two left feet and vertigo) and remembered my days as a ska kid. I miss those days. I didn’t get home until 1:30, and I was a mess of a human on Monday, but it was worth it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYIx0sFNDH4
Now to work on having a solid draft of my thesis chapter completed, and creating a sleep schedule that doesn’t involve me not falling asleep until 3am and not waking up until 1 pm. I am also now just two posts away from 400! I have to really start thinking about what 400 will look like.
  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries (1/3 done with my trip to Malta, next up, France in November and Hungary in December)
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and Her Philosophical Approach

Posted on by erranteditor

I did not get out of bed until 2 pm today.

I slept. I moped. I stressed over all of the things that needed to be done, what I’m doing with my time and energy, and trying to figure out why I just don’t want to get out of bed.

When I did get out of bed, I moved my pj bottomed ass to my couch. I put on Drag Race and attempted to sort through emails, and maybe get a little writing done.

It is 20 after 5. I’ve written seven words on the ethical considerations of my research, and spent a long time staring at the empty section of my philosophical approach to research.

Which is odd considering the writing challenge for this week is to sum up my world view in one page. This is something that my supervisors asked me to do almost a year ago. I have what I wrote, but trying to say that in academic terms is really difficult. Here is what I wrote a year ago:

Epistemology

Here is what I can say about my world view in non-academic terms: I believe in justice. I believe that those with a voice, those with any sort of power have an obligation to use that power to help those in need. I believe that reality is not a fixed thing, and will not be the same for everyone. My reality as a middle class Cuban-Jewish woman who grew up in California is going to be different than my best friend’s reality While we share common interests and some views on the world, it is impossible for us to understand the world in the exact same way. I believe that we all interact with the world in which we are a part of, but that interaction is different for all people. The way that we process knowledge, and the way that we understand the spaces that we inhabit, is based on the way we grew up, where we grew up, and how we grew up. Because of that, I do not think it is possible to make blanket statements that truth is universal for everyone. I believe that the best way to figure out what everyone’s “truths” are is to talk to them, interact with them, and not try to make their truths the same as my truths. If epistemology is meant to ask questions like: “What is knowledge?”, “How is knowledge acquired?”, “What do people know?”, “What are the necessary and sufficient conditions of knowledge?”, “What is its structure, and what are its limits?”, “What makes justified beliefs justified?”, “How we are to understand the concept of justification?”, “Is justification internal or external to one’s own mind?”, then the best way to describe my approach to the world would be somewhere between camp pragmatist and camp constructionist. I am constantly trying to make sense of the world, but try to do so in terms of how those around me come to their understanding of ‘truth.’ I believe that it is dependent on convention, human perception and social experience. Within that though, I am also interested in the importance of practical consequences, and how the theory, and the ideas that we generate from our research, really affect people. I’m also concerned with what those consequences mean for moving forward with new research. It is my hope that practical and useful knowledge can come from social inquiry.

Ontology

            This one is a hard view to pin down. I believe that our perceptions are what shape reality. More importantly, since I believe that knowledge is constructed it would be impossible to get to the ‘true’ nature of reality, since that reality is created by each individual. I guess this would make me an interpretist or relativist. The pragmatist in me doesn’t really worry about the ontological issues because I am more concerned with real world applications and have always felt that if I had a clear epistemological position, then my ontological point of view would not be as important.

My main supervisor said it was pithy. It’s still the nicest thing he has ever said to me. Really, I am not sure that that really explains my worldview. I think that bad things happen to good people. I think that sometimes life sucks. I think that family, however you choose to define it, makes everything better. I believe that the world will never be a peaceful place until people learn how to have a real conversation, and how to actually listen to what is being said. I believe that animals make everything better. A puppy makes a world of difference on a bad day.

I believe that the only way I will truly be a good educator is through seeing the world and learning about people. I believe that everyone should be able to get an education if they want one, whether it be university, a trade, or learning through doing. I believe that therapy is a girl’s best friend, and there is nothing wrong with admitting that sometimes I cheat on my diet and eat an entire large chocolate bar by myself. I believe that the world would be a better place if people put down their phones and pick up a book. Reading is after all, fundamental.

I believe that as I get older my worldview will change. I think that is a good thing though. I think my worldview should change as I change. I’d like to think that as I meet and interact with people, as I learn more and experience the world that I will become a better person with a better world view.

 

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 39

Posted on by erranteditor

I came home to books. There is nothing better than coming home after 11 hours of travel than coming home to books in the mail. A few weeks ago I joined a Facebook thing where you get 6 people to like your status and start a book tree. If all goes well, you get 36 books. So far, I’ve gotten three. I really hope it keeps going and I get more.

Today I have been on my couch for most of the day. I never get jet lag when I fly to California, but flying back home knocks me on my ass for the first few days. I needed the ten days in California though. Seriously needed them. When I left here I was sad, I was tired, and I was not getting much work done. I went to California and got time with my muffin and my family, I got sunshine, and I got to see a lot of people who I had not seen in awhile. I may be tired right now, but since I was able to get some work done and recharge, I know that the rest of the week will be a good one (fingers crossed).

The challenge for this week is actually something that I have already started: A tradition that I would like to start with my family one day. The tradition that I would like to start with my family is to travel for the holidays. I have not been home for a Thanksgiving in five years. I usually take that week off to travel somewhere. Scotland, Estonia, Paris. That is something that I would like to continue doing. I am happiest when I am traveling, and it is something that I would love to share with my own little family one day (and my own little family will be my dog). This also allows me to cross something off of my list of things to do before I turn 30. I love new traditions, and I especially love new traditions that allow me to travel.

  1. Learn how to drive in the UK.
  2. Present at an academic conference
  3. Start a new tradition
  4. Go back to therapy
  5. Visit three new countries (1/3 done with my trip to Malta)
  6. Ride in a hot air balloon
  7. Quit the tutoring centre
  8. Volunteer for a literacy programme
  9. Read a book that has more than 500 pages
  10. Make my bed everyday for at least three months
  11. Have a solid draft of my thesis completed
  12. Master scorpion pose
  13. Attend the symphony
  14. Learn a rap song from start to finish
  15. Host a dinner party
  16. Create a  budget so I can pay down my student loans
  17. Create something original
  18. Create a solid workout regime
  19.  Go on a long hike (6 miles or more)
  20. Learn to dance
  21. Eat an exotic meal
  22. Learn to cook a fancy meal
  23. Yell at a football match
  24. Go horseback riding
  25. Master British spelling and punctuation
  26. Create a good sleep schedule
  27. See my favorite group in concert
  28. Fall in love
  29. Stop holding grudges
  30. Let go of my expectations

The Scamp and the Writing Challenge: Week 38

Posted on by erranteditor

I’m in California. It is 35 degrees. I’m wearing shorts, my feet are bare, and today I shaved my cat.

While my Odie is mad, I am happy. This weekend I got to be a part of my best friend’s wedding. She has never looked happier. I got to reconnect with old friends, hang out with people I haven’t seen in years, and spend some quality time in LA traffic. I started my time here with my Muffin. You can’t be mad when you are around that kid. I love when I get to Skype with him, but man, being in a room with him is so much better. I’m feeling a lot better than I have in months. While I am not getting as much writing done as I would like, I am making some progress, and I am counting that as one for the win column.

The writing challenge for last week deals with my bad habits. Let me tell you, I have a lot of them. I’m trying to work through them, and break them, but it is an uphill battle. I see my therapist once a week and she is helping me break the worst of them (I’m not sure anyone can break my love of cheese).

The  bad habits that really get me in trouble are my unreasonable expectations and my penchant for negative thoughts. I go into most situations thinking I know exactly what is going to happen, and when something bad does go wrong, I feel justified to have my negative feelings. I also get really upset when I have an outcome or scenario in my mind and then people do not meet my expectations. I do it all the time. I can feel myself doing it, I know it is wrong, but I can’t seem to stop myself. When people don’t meet my expectations I get upset, I blame myself, and I let my negative thoughts get the best of me. It is a viscous cycle.

The worst thing about having these unrealistic expectations is that it often keeps me from wanting to do things. Before I went to the wedding this weekend, I had concocted a whole scenario where I was going to be out of place, not have any fun, and have to confront someone who I hadn’t seen in three years, someone who was like a sister to me. I saw myself sitting alone, not really participating, and not enjoying myself.  I had convinced myself that it would be better to stay home, and that maybe I was doing something wrong by wanting to take part in this special day. I had convinced myself that I was no longer a part of life here and that no one would care if I was there or not.

That literally couldn’t be farther from what actually happened. I was greeted with hugs and laughter. I got to have a very special conversation with the groom, some good chat and some really good karaoke moments with the bride, and I got to see a lot of faces that I haven’t seen in years, but treated me like they just saw me yesterday. I got to share in a magical moment with people I love, like to think that I saved the bride by taking one for the team and getting stung by a bee, and had the chance to recharge a little bit.

And I was actually going to give that up because of the expectations I had built up in my head. That’s the thing though. The dark and twisty doesn’t go away overnight, and as hard as I am working to break these habits, it isn’t always successful. I’m lucky that I am surrounded by wonderful people who will Skype with me, visit me in Scotland, drive up to visit me while I am in California, and don’t make me feel guilty about sometimes forgetting to be a good friend.